Jealousy—The Green Monster

Dear Eve,
How do I deal with jealousy? I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and he does nothing to ever make me feel anything but loved and adored. The problem is that I am in constant fear that he is going to leave me or cheat on me. My jealousy and insecurity is going to destroy this relationship if I don’t do something about it. Can you help me?

Aloha,
The good news here is that your fear and concern doesn’t seem to be coming from anything your partner is actually doing. This is very good news because you are 100% responsible for what you are experiencing which means that you are also 100% powerful over doing something about it

First, rather than looking at what you are afraid of happening, look at what you are trying to protect. What is it that you treasure? This is critically important because when you approach the problem from your fear, you are possessive, jealous, suspicious and controlling—all behaviors that are most likely to push your sweetheart away. In other words, when you operate from your fear, your actions are likely to cause the very thing you are afraid of happening.

If you operate from a place of wanting to maintain the loving, harmonious relationship with your partner instead, you are likely to be loving, kind, appreciative, and affectionate with him. These behaviors are likely to keep him engaged and far less likely to desire being with anyone else. This is not to say that if he strays, it is because of something you’re doing, rather only that you can ensure he strays if you continue to operate from your fear.

There is a great Native American story I want you to consider: An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Note that the one you feed is entirely your choice. One will cause you and those you love pain, one will not.

The other thing I invite you to consider is your self-esteem. Consider the reality that the only reason you are in fear about this relationship is because of some personal belief that you either don’t deserve to be loved or aren’t worthy of love. If you truly had a sense of your own value and what you have to offer, then you wouldn’t be operating from the constant fear that he will stray.

Turning this around requires that you build and strengthen your relationship with yourself. Start assessing and acknowledging your good qualities, Pay attention to your self-talk and consciously choose to tell yourself loving and affirming thoughts rather than destructive, critical thoughts.

I recommend that you do the “mirror exercise” on a daily basis. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and start telling yourself what you like, love, admire and respect about yourself. Start small if this is difficult. If you have a hard time finding things, make it a point to start doing things in your life that make you appreciate yourself more—random acts of kindness, taking responsibility, time in nature, accomplishing goals, service to others, volunteering, etc.

As you begin to see your own goodness and loving yourself, you will be far better able to believe that your partner truly loves you, too.

Lastly, know that it isn’t your partner that you actually need to trust. You need to trust yourself and God. Trust that anything you are faced with in life is designed to make you a stronger, healthier person and trust yourself to be able to handle it. When you can truly trust yourself, you will no longer be a victim of other people’s choices.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Which “wolf” do you feed?

Love Tip of the Week: When wanting to improve a relationship, always start with your relationship with yourself. You may well find that the other relationship improves automatically.

Is this Trust or Foolishness?

Hi Eve,
I met a man online and we’ve been together about six months, I am in my fifties, he is in his forties; we live about 15 minutes apart. His job requires that he travel a lot and I understand that. He is often gone a week or two at a time. The first two months we were together the sex was good, but now we are only having sex once every two months. Whenever he leaves town I take care of his house and his dog—who he refers to as “our daughter.” He used to come home on Friday and leave again on Saturday, now he comes home on Saturday and leaves again on Sunday.

When he is home, his cell will ring but he won’t answer it. One time he answered it and took the phone out into the garage to talk. I could hear a lady’s voice telling him that she loves him. I don't know what to do; I care about him. I told him when I met him that the only thing I don't like is cheating, drinking and lying. Now, I am starting to wonder if something is going on but he’s not telling me because he needs someone to take care his house. I need your advice, please ,,,

Aloha,
I know that you know that something isn't right here. Have you asked him what is going on? What does he say?
While it is important to have a conversation with him, it is even more important for you to listen to your intuition. My impression is that you believe he is lying and cheating, and that he is using you to take care of his house and his dog while he is away (with another woman?) It sounds like he strings you along by saying nice and encouraging things every now and then to keep you playing along. From the way it sounds, for four of six months, you have felt him pull away from you physically (and emotionally?).

Here is the challenge, as long as you know all of this and still allow it to continue, he is going to allow it to continue, too. He is in the middle of a win/win situation, while it appears you are in the middle of a lose/lose situation. YOU are the one who has to stop allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if he isn’t really taking advantage of you (which you’ll only know from talking to him), you feel like he is and your needs are not being met in this relationship. You need to either talk to him about what is bothering you, or simply stop being the maid and house/pet-sitter, and see what he says and does. If that is the only reason he is keeping you around, it will become apparent quickly when you let him know that you can no longer do so.

I suggest you go find a nice soothing, quiet spot in nature and ask yourself: what do I deserve? What am I settling for? What do I know in my heart of heart's that I am pretending not to notice? What do I need to do next? I am sure that the answers will become obvious quickly and you will no longer need my advice. You will simply need to follow through on what you already know.
I wish you the best,
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you getting out of your relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Often, when we think we don’t know what to do, we really just don’t want to do what we know we need to.

Is He Looking for Someone Better?

Dear Eve,
Two months ago I met a man via an internet dating service. I have never done this before and I thought I would give it a go. I am 31 and he is 35. We have been on 8 dates, which basically means every weekend. We generally spend entire Saturdays together. Our dates are great and I enjoy his company and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. We laugh constantly, which is very important to me. Lately our conversations have been reaching a higher plateau, which to me signals that we are getting to know one another on different levels.

My issue is this - I can tell by looking at his online dating profile that he checks his account everyday. This means that he is out there looking to meet other women. After 8 dates, I think he should know if he wants to pursue just me. I can't mention it to him that I know because then I would look like a snoop. Knowing that he checks his online dating account everyday has not made me feel that he likes me less, it just makes me feel like he is looking for someone better.
What should I do?

Hi,
I suggest that first, before you talk to him about anything, determine where you want the relationship to go. A sense of competition can sometimes cause us to pursue something or someone that we wouldn't otherwise. Therefore, it is important to check in with yourself about your true motives, desires and interests before you talk to him about his. There is no point in talking to him about exclusivity and longevity, if you aren't totally sure you are interested yourself. What would you like to see happen-both in the short run and the long run?

Once you are absolutely sure about the direction you'd like this to go, by all means, ask him how he feels, and what he wants. If physical intimacy is brewing, it is a perfect opportunity to bring up the exclusivity issue. "I really like you, and I prefer to be monogamous when I'm intimate with someone. What are your feelings about that?" is a perfectly reasonable conversation to have. This could naturally lead to a conversation about whether you are both still members of the online dating site, and whether you are still interacting with others online.

Keep in mind also that when you say, "This means that he is out there looking to meet other women" that you are simply assuming an answer to your unasked questions. When we lack enough information to understand someone's behavior, we tend to make up reasons and believe that our make-believe stories are the truth. If you are going to make up stories, make up a full variety of explanations including stories with happy endings, rather than just "worst case scenarios."

While it is possible that he is still looking for other women, it is equally possible that he is logging online to politely and respectfully let anyone who has contacted him know that he isn't currently available. Or, he may be simply logging on to the dating site to check up on you and checking his account while he is in there, just like you are undoubtedly doing while you are on the site checking up on him. If that is true, he may be thinking you aren't really interested in him based on the same concerns you raise. The only way to know, is to have the conversation with him.

Good luck to you and congrats on meeting such a nice guy. Hopefully the relationship will continue to unfold in the direction you would like it to go!
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question:
Do you tend to trust until given a reason not to, or do you distrust until trust has been proven?

Love Tip: Don't fight a battle unless you are sure you want the prize. In other words, before you fight for someone's affection, or exclusivity, be sure you are willing to accept all that comes with "winning."

How Can I Trust Him?

Dear Eve,

I am writing to ask how common it is for people to encounter problems with old relationships interfering with new relationships. I am a woman in my late 40's who was involved with a man who had recently ended a relationship with another woman. He had very little contact with her for six months before he started seeing me, however shortly after, she began what seemed like a campaign to get back together with him. I did not realize she was asking him out and seeing him until about a month into my intimate relationship with him, and I was very upset when I found out. He seemed to think it was not a problem because he wasn't sexual with her, however I pointed out that he seemed to be in a private and intimate relationship with her and the only thing missing was the sex, which he was getting from me. I also felt he was secretive and deceptive with me.

I told him that it was obvious to me that she was trying to get back together with him, to which he responded it didn't matter what she wanted, it only mattered what he wanted, and he was not physically attracted to her and he had no desire to be in a romantic relationship with her again. They have a business relationship as well, so he needs to stay in touch.

My relationship with this man was doomed, and I feel that a lot of that had to do with his ex-girlfriend's behavior, however maybe it was doomed anyway due to other issues such as lack of trust. I don't know what to make of this man, and I certainly don't know what to make of this woman who knew about my relationship with her ex. What do you think?

Hi,
First of all, old relationships interfere with new relationships all the time-just as new relationships interfere with old relationships all the time. Wouldn't it be fabulous is we all respected each other's relationships and backed off when we realized that someone was involved with someone else? Unfortunately it doesn't often work like that. Rather, the human ego seems to think that there is nothing quite like a little competition to make an old sweetheart-or someone else's sweetheart-look like a good idea.

However, the reality is that other people aren't the ones who owe our relationships the honor and respect that we would appreciate, rather the people involved in the relationship are the ones we have to trust to honor, respect and protect the relationship-no matter who else wants in, or wants back in. Ultimately, your boyfriend was right about it not mattering what his ex wants; what he wants-as it relates to her- is what matters. So, with that said, it isn't what this woman did or said that “doomed” your relationship, it is what you and your boyfriend did and said that doomed it.

However, what you want is also relevant here. It sounds like you want him to be honest with you about seeing her-as friends or business associates. It also sounds like you want the “best friend” and the “lover” to be the in same relationship, not a situation in which she gets the friendship and you get the sex. I am not sure, however, that you communicated all that to him in a clean way that he could hear. Ego can cloud communication and jealousy, possessiveness and control are hard to listen to.

When you approach a relationship from a place of fear of loss, there is an entirely different energy than when you approach it from honoring what you treasure. Fear repels, honor attracts. When you communicate with others, make sure they know what you want and not just what you are afraid of, and make sure they feel your love and appreciation, not just your accusations. Let your heart do the talking instead of your ego.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Who is responsible for your comfort?

Love Tip: When you believe in yourself more, and value yourself more, you'll find that you trust others more. When you put your entire trust in yourself and in God, you'll find that it no longer matters what others do, it only matters how you respond to what they do.

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Trust After Disappointment

Dear Eve,
I would like to find out really if it is possible to really discover true love as I have had a series of disappointing relationships. I really believe that there are honest people, but I have some very strong issues with trust. Is it possible that I have some self-esteem issues that are not yet resolved?

Hi,
It is not only possible that you have some unresolved self-esteem issues, but it is virtually a guarantee (but don't worry almost everyone does!). “Trust issues” are just another term for “fear.” If you think about it a bit, you'll see that your lack of trust translates to fear that people will let you down, that they will lie to you, that you will never truly have a real relationship or worse yet, fear that you can not handle whatever life presents you and that you are not powerful over your circumstances, but rather that you are a victim of them.

The “beauty “ of fear is that, if you look “underneath” it, fear shows you what you value-what is important to you. The trust issues listed above indicate that you value honesty, loyalty, lasting relationships and that you value your own strength and well-being. Your fear also shows you what you want to protect. This realization can help you find ways to strategize to honor and protect what is important to you instead of just honoring your fear.

A big mistake we often make is that of thinking that our trust issues are about trusting other people when, in actuality, if we trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life hands us and trust in God, (a Higher Power, Universal Wisdom, Holy Spirit…whatever you want to call It) to provide the perfect opportunities for the exact life lessons we most need to learn, then trusting other people is no longer the issue. Of course, it is important to aim to be involved with people who are honest and trustworthy. However, it is virtually impossible to control other people's choices and all of life's circumstances so if we rely on their trustworthiness for our well-being, we end up victims of other people's choices. In addition, a whole host of things can happen to cause pain in a relationship like illness and death that the other person has no real control over.

Moral of the story? Strengthen yourself, your self-esteem, and set your Divine Anchor so that you know that no matter what anyone else says or does, you will be okay. Yes, you may experience hurt and pain, but when you deeply have a sense of your inner strength, you know you will heal, persevere and even thrive-and love-again.

How do you strengthen your self-esteem? Begin by looking at what you have already survived. Make a list of all the things that you have already had to endure and acknowledge yourself for the fortitude and strength required to handle the circumstances. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Take the risks to do the things that you are scared to do. Start with baby steps. Every time you survive and or succeed at something that is a stretch for you, you strengthen yourself.
Figure out what strengthens your spirit and do it regularly. Whether it is meditating, walking along the beach, walking a labyrinth, exercising, yoga, journaling, praying-whatever it is for you-do it often. Learn to recognize the voice of wisdom and strength (of God) within you and you will be able to handle anything. Trust will no longer be your issue.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you value that is hiding under your fear?

Love Tip: When a miner goes into a gold mine he must remove tons of dirt and rock to find even a single nugget of gold, yet he never, ever goes into the mine looking for the dirt. Treat yourself (and your friends/lovers) like a gold mine. Go in looking for the gold-the God-and that is what you will find.

Competing with the Not So "Ex"...

Dear Eve,
About seven months ago I became involved with a woman. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. The first time he left she begged him to return and he eventually did, promising he'd be the perfect husband. Within a few months, he left a post-it note in the kitchen saying he was leaving again and took all his stuff. He ignored her calls and abandoned her completely.

I had met her about four months after he left. We dated until one day she told me she was in love with me. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. Since then, we have gotten engaged.

When her ex found out about me, he started calling obsessively and begging her to come back. He admitted to all of his infidelities and that he had been a horrible husband and swore that he had changed. She told me she felt guilty about not giving him another chance, and eventually, I got the email saying that she was going to give it another try with him. I am devastated and now she won't answer my calls or emails. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together. Now I don't know what to think or what to do. I'd appreciate your advice.

Aloha,
You must be heartbroken. I'm really sorry.
It sounds like she has a SEVERE need for approval which means that, until she clears this need, she will continuously recreate herself to be a victim of his (or someone else's) need for control. Until then, she is extremely likely to continue allowing other people to tell her what to do and how to do it.

The big things you are fighting are her history with him (even though it sounds awful) and time (seven months just isn't a very long time vs. a marriage), but the BIGGEST thing you (and she) are fighting is her fantasy dream of what she hoped her marriage would be. Even though the reality didn't match that at all, if she gives up now, she has to let go of her dream (of happily ever after, of not being divorced, of being loved and cherished until death do they part). Of course, rationally, it doesn't look like that dream stands a chance, but clearly this isn't rational. For her to wake up, she needs to realize that the dream of what she wanted the marriage to be is not the same thing as the actual marriage.

The big word of caution for you is that you came at the perfect time to help her through this difficult time in her marriage/divorce, but not at the perfect time to be in a relationship with her. She wasn't over him, she wasn't really ready to let go and move on, and she was still married to him. Most relationships-especially marriages-suffer a relapse like this filled with "what ifs" and "if onlys."

Divorces and separations often happen because there is a severe lack of skill on one or the other side, or both. When someone immediately moves into a new relationship, they haven't taken time to discover themselves again nor to learn new skills. Thus, they fall right back into the same pattern with someone new-or they go back to the old pattern with the old person. In order for something different to happen, they need to do something different or learn something different-just switching to a different person is not sufficient.

If/when she decides she has made a HUGE mistake and wants you back, I recommend that you insist that something DIFFERENT happens first-counseling, coaching or some sort of personal growth training-for both of you. Or, kindly, just say no.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you done to gain new skills in between relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: God sends us relationships for many more reasons than “happily ever after”. Sometimes they just serve as a great opportunity for personal growth. Investigate what your part in your life experience is, what you have learned, and how you are better from the experience.