10-10-10 A Day of Love

They say on Oct. 10, 2010 more weddings were performed internationally than any other day in history. According to the NY Times, somewhere in the vicinity of 39,000 couples tied the knot in the US alone…and that is just one country! All around the world the same phenomenon happened.

I performed several of them myself. One couple I performed the marriage for both shared 110/10 as their birthday and now too their anniversary. Another couple got married after 16 years of being together. I joked with them about saying “I did” instead of “I do.”
I have to admit, at first, it sounded kind of cheesy to me and as I stood on the beach watching couple after couple flaunting their wedding attire, it seemed kind of comical.

As the officiant, I felt like yelling, “Next!” just for fun.

But as the sun set on kissing couples with cameras flashing all up and down the beach, I noticed that I was walking away from the day feeling absolutely joyful. I could feel a a tangible energetic high. I felt like we had all taken part in a historical event and rather than one about war or terrorism, the event was about love and hope and commitment and devotion.

If the theory is true that the energy expelled when a butterfly flaps its wings can impact the path of tornado faraway, one has to wonder when thousands and thousands of couples hold the intention of love on a single day, what does the energy of million kisses send across the planet?

Ah, the power of love.

Start planning, 11/11/11 is only a year away!

Sex Without Responsibility? Not.....

Dear Eve,

I’ve been married thirty years. My wife has several health ailments, because of which our love style has changed. We are no longer having sex.

I’m in very good health, approaching my sixties and am not ready to stop having romance. I don't want to leave my wife as she needs me and we’re good partners. She has consented to me finding someone to have some intimacy with. I would tell the other person right away to be sure this would work for them. However, if there is someone out there in the same situation, looking for just a romantic friend with no strings attached that would be great.

We both realize this is somewhat of a gamble, but in life you have to take chances and we have thirty years of understanding. Am I looking at a pipe dream or is this possible?

Aloha,
While I am certain that there are other people in similar situations, and that this scenario is physically possible, there are several issues that need to be thought through before you proceed.

Let’s start with semantics. While it is romantic to think this is a “romance” issue, you are talking about sex. Romance is sharing the mysteries and celebrating the beauty of life. Romance feeds love. There is no reason you can’t still be romantic with your wife. Sex is another issue. I am pointing this out about this because, it is important you are really clear about what you are planning on sharing with someone else. Are you looking to start up a romantic relationship—one that includes looking deep into each other’s eyes, holding hands, calling each other all the time, etc. or are you looking for someone to have sex with—or both?

There are a lot of couples (a lot more than most of us think) that are having sexual encounters with people other than their spouses—with their spouse’s knowledge and blessing. So, obviously, it can work. However, it isn’t always as simple as one might hope.

In your case, if you and your wife were monogamous for thirty years, I can guarantee this isn’t likely to be comfortable emotionally—even if logically it makes sense to both of you. After thirty years, I’m guessing you don’t have a clue how to go about having sex without romance, love and commitment (strings). It may not be in your D.N.A.

Here are some scenarios to consider: Your wife says, “go for it,” thinking that it isn’t fair that her physical condition is keeping you from having a satisfying sex life. Then, when you do, she suddenly feels jealous, betrayed, and abandoned. She compares herself to this new woman and starts thinking that for the last thirty years, this type of woman is what you have really wanted and starts questioning everything. She didn’t expect to feel this way, nor did you, but there it is—emotionally deep and murky waters.

Or, you think you can have sex with no strings attached. You start having intimate encounters with someone who has agreed to this scenario, but since sex also tends to “make love,” you suddenly find yourself falling in love with this other woman and wanting to spend more and more time with her.

Or, she starts falling in love with you and wanting more. Suddenly there are strings attached, what do you do?

Or, you are happily having sex with this other woman and going home to your wife. Do you talk about it? Do you do it quietly behind her back? Now that she has given her blessings, is she going to be constantly wondering and suspicious?

There are undoubtedly other people who are in a similar situations. Hey, there may even be a web site for making matches just like these, but before you leap, you and your wife need to really be sure you can navigate the floodwaters that may rise.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Have you considered how you would feel if the tables were turned?

Love Tip of the Week: Strings are attached to everything. They are called “responsibility.”

Affair or Marriage—Which Way to Go?

Hello Eve
I am in a marriage that has been falling apart for some years now. My husband has had many affairs. Two years ago I began having an affair with an old boyfriend who is also married and unhappy. I'm staying in my marriage for financial reasons; he stays with his wife because of his kids. I feel this is no excuse for either of our actions, but he tells me he loves me and I love him, too. I don't know what to do; I'm so confused. I shouldn't be doing this. I’m insecure!!! This the reason why I cling to him— he accepts me in all ways—my weight, everything. I need help!!!

Aloha,
I invite you to consider that it isn't your sweetheart or your husband that needs to "accept you in all ways," it is YOU. As you are happy with and accepting of yourself, the world will treat you differently. You are letting your "happiness/security compass" be an external reference (your husband, your lover) rather than using your inner-self and your connection to Spirit/God as your guide—your internal reference.

One of the biggest things that blocks our self-love is when we are behaving outside of integrity. This causes extreme discomfort and guilt and makes it hard to feel good about ourselves. It becomes a downward cycle. The more insecure we are the more out of integrity we get. The more out of integrity we are, the more insecure we get. It is time to do some self-strengthening and self-loving exercises.

Ask this: Where is this leading? Do you imagine that you will really leave your spouses to be together? Are you happier having the affair or does it create more difficulty for you? How long are you going to continue this way? If you left your husband, and your lover did NOT leave his wife, what would you do? Is there a happy ending ahead or are you both avoiding doing what you need to do to truly be happy (whether that be staying with your spouses or leaving)?

Sometimes we blame things like money for staying, when in actuality, that is just an excuse. I invite you to really ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage. You may find that it really is because of fear or money or embarrassment or you may find that you are unwilling to let go of the possibility that you and your husband can actually love each other in a healthy way.

Do a bit more soul searching. If you had the money, would you leave right now? No? If the kids were on their own, would you move out right now? Start peeling back the layers of your reasons and excuses to see if you can unveil the truth. If indeed, you would leave right now if it weren't for the money... recognize that no one wants to be used for money and no one feels good about letting money rule their decisions. Do everyone a favor and do something different.

Once you decide that you really want to leave, you will see options for solving the money problem. I just don't think you are convinced that you have truly done all you can do to make your marriage work—starting with enhancing your own self-esteem.

I encourage you to read "How to Love Your Marriage." Even if you decide to leave your husband, the book will guide you in loving yourself and prepare you with skills and tools that will assist you in all relationships. If being self-directed through reading is not "your thing," then I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist who can help guide you to make new choices that are in alignment with your integrity and your goals.
I wish you the best...
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay question of the week: Why are you really staying in the situation you are in?

Love Tip of the Week: When the universe can find no other way to help us to forgive or understand the actions of others, we find ourselves in the midst of the same situation or drawn to the same temptation. There is nothing like this experience to lead us to compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Embracing Change

Hi Eve,
I have been married for a few years and I am started to get a little concerned. For the most part, everything is going okay, but I am starting to see him change his interests and the way he spends his time. What if he keeps changing til I don’t recognize him any more?

Aloha,
I’ve come to the conclusion that we have (at least) three types of love—past love, present love and future love. Past love is when we are attached to and in love with what was. The problem with past love is that it is all based in memory and not in current realtiy. Future love is based on our hopes and dreams of what may be and again, not necessarily reality at all. Present love is the real deal and the only one that can actually bring you satisfaction, so I invite you to see if you can pay attention to who your partner is on a daily basis and allow yourself to continuously fall in love anew.

Ironically, while we can’t go into a relationship expecting to change the other person, we should go into a relationship expecting that he or she will change. The difference is the emphasis on who is implementing the change. We cannot make our partner change, but the forces of nature, as well as their own impetus, will cause them to change.

Their bodies will change. Their hormones will change. Their libido will change. Their weight may change. Their health may change. Their physical appearance may change. Their friendships may change. Their careers may change. Their hobbies may change. Their athletic activities may change. Their alcohol consumption may change. Their levels of confidence and self-esteem may change. Their minds may even change. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

Then there is the marriage or relationship itself, which will change as a separate entity from either partner. Frequency of “date nights” may change. Level of financial comfort may change. Houses and communities may change. Time available for recreation may change. Family support may change. Number of family members will change. Children (who are always changing) will change the marriage. More children will change it more. Children growing up and moving out of the home will change the marriage again. The loss of family members will change the dynamics. Sexual frequency and ability may change. Skills for problem solving and communication may change. The way you spend your time together—and how much time you spend together—may change. Retirement will change the marriage again. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

The love is probably what we want to stay the same, but even the expression and experience of love changes. While the core essence of true love is unchanging, as it filters through our egos it appears to change over time. In my experience, love doesn’t go away, but it does get blocked with ego; so our experience of it ebbs and flows. Love can deepen over time, moving from infatuation and becoming more secure. Love can be more passionate or less passionate. Love can be conditional or unconditional. Love can be expressed or withheld. Love can be given and not received. The intensity of the love in a relationship can wax and wane, as can the level of intimacy.

If we want to be successful in our relationships (and in our lives), we have to become comfortable with change—both managing it when it happens and creating it when it is needed.

Ultimately, you will probably find yourself more at peace in the relationship if you expect change, and just as you learn more and more about yourself over time, enjoy the process of discovering more about your husband each day. Rather than trying to recognize some semblance of who he used to be, see if you can fine-tune your ability to see—and love—who he is now.

Otherwise, it is a bit akin to trying to see the handsome young man every time you see Robert Redford, rather than seeing and appreciating the talented, handsome older man he currently is.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you imagine will stay the same?

Love Tip of the Week: Growth is not possible without change. Nor is true love possible without the acceptance of change. Otherwise, your love is like a snapshot—only captured for that moment.

ReCreate your Marriage

Dear Eve,
I love my husband so much; we have been together for a long time, but I feel like we are in a rut where we are just going through the motions. We do all the things that we have to do to keep our lives going, but it is starting to feel like partnership, not a romantic connection. We have a strong foundation, and a deep respect, but honestly, I think we have both gotten a little boring. Do you have any suggestions for what I can do to revitalize our marriage and romance?

Aloha!

I think you share a dynamic that is extremely common to couples to have been together a long time. In my experience, relationships can have a cyclical nature…alternating between being really close and connected and then not so much so...and then, hopefully back again. Rather than giving up in the lulls or resigning to them, there are definitely things that we can do to turn the cycle toward closeness. I have found that usually more talking, more touching, playing more and/or introducing a creative project can make a huge difference.

When I say “talking” I don’t mean talking at, I mean talking with—which means asking questions, sharing thoughts, ideas, goals, visions, dreams, values, and listening without judgment to the other person. It is enticing to have someone want to know more about you and share deep conversations, but when we have been with someone who already knows us so well, and us them, the curiosity and conversation may be jeopardized. Often in a daily relationship our conversations drastically reduce to “did you take the trash out?” and “what’s for dinner?” But when we first meet, the conversations are full of curiosity and interest in each other.

There was actually a study done on how much time families spend in dialogue. They found that parents only spent between eight and twelve minutes a day talking with their kids and out of that eight to ten minutes are spent directing tasks. That only leaves between two and four minutes a day for talking about what really matters, what you love, spirituality, creativity and fun. I suspect many spouses talk even less than that and those that talk more are also talking about what needs to be done. Bringing a higher level of conversation into the house can help. Also, the more you keep learning and growing the more new there is to discuss, so reading books, taking classes, trying new things can add to the intrigue of a long time relationship.

Touching is also critical to an adult romantic relationship and ultimately is the element that separates a romantic relationship from every other kind. Without intimate touch, your relationship can transition quickly into a business relationship or more like siblings or friends. While these are still worthy relationships, they are not usually what most of us signed up for when we got married or involved in a romantic relationship. Consequently, a little more (or a lot more) attention to physically expressing your appreciation of each other can go along way in rekindling the connection.

Creativity is also a very stimulating process and co-creating something of beauty or functionality or service can be a very bonding experience. This is true not only of spouses or sweethearts, but also with your children or other family members.

Recreation, re-creation, is something we are usually much better at in the beginning of a relationship than after years and years. See if you and your husband can reintroduce fun and activity into your lives as a means of re-creating your relationship (and not being quite so boring). Go for hikes, go snorkeling or diving, try the ziplines (they are a BLAST). Do what the tourists do.

What is most important is that you recognize the deep respect you and your partner have and can even simply relax into the sweetness of sharing a silent moment together.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What can you do today to raise the bar in your relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Bring some “Intellectual foreplay” back into the relationship. Ask deeper questions. Talk about things that really matter. Listen and pay attention. Make your love overt.

Reputation or Integrity?

Dear Eve,
I’m a married man, but unhappily so. I have started to get sexually involved with other women. I didn’t think much about it until one of them got upset when I told her I was married. I suddenly realized that she knows a lot of people who know a lot of people on the island. This kind of rumor could ruin my credibility and my business, not to mention my marriage. I know you aren’t going to approve of what I did, but do you have any suggestions on how I can keep her from ruining my reputation?

Aloha,
First, let’s straighten out a couple of things. A rumor is a story passed around with uncertain facts or a total lack of truth. This would not be a rumor, as you clearly state the truth of the matter: You had sex with a woman who you led to believe you were single and interested in a relationship with her. You didn’t tell her until after she got intimately involved with you that you were married. You deceived her, got what you wanted and then hurt her. The story going around would simply be the truth.
Let’s take a look at what might actually ruin your reputation—you or her. Yes, she could tell the truth to people about what you did to her—and to your wife, but keep in mind that her actions aren’t what would ruin your reputation, only your actions could do that. A reputation based on a lie is only that, another lie. If you care about your reputation, start aligning your behavior with what you want people to say and think about you.

Another issue that concerns me in your letter is the apparent lack of concern over how your actions have impacted this young woman. I would feel way better if you had asked me what you could do to help her heal from the pain that your deceit had inflicted rather than how to save your reputation.

Of course, there is also your wife to consider here. Are you also lying to her or does she know you are out getting involved with other women? Does she know you are planning to get a divorce?

I highly recommend that you clean up one relationship before starting another. Either put some time and effort into improving the relationship you are already in, or get out. Staying married and sleeping with other women is only going to cause everyone pain—and yes, damage your reputation. If you are unwilling to stop seeing other women, at the very least tell them you are married before you get intimate with them. Then if they choose to have a sexual relationship with you, at least they know what they are choosing. Your wife ought to be given the same information so she can choose whether she wants to continue being with you as well.

While we all have to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, we are all also custodians of each other’s hearts. We have an unspoken integrity agreement with every other person on the planet that says, “I will not hurt you.” This implicit integrity agreement is the reason that we can walk down the street and assume that the drivers of the cars will try not to hit us. It allows us to turn our backs to someone and be able to assume our safety. Integrity agreements allow us to inherently trust each other not to harm each other, lie to each other or deceive each other. They are the juice that makes the world a relatively harmonious place. Unfortunately however, they are broken all the time and when they are, we need to mend them.

The best way I know for you to save your “reputation” is to mend your integrity agreements. First with yourself and Spirit, secondly with your wife and thirdly with any women you have harmed. Take responsibility for your actions, reset your integrity agreements and work to keep them in tact.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay: How do your choices impact other people?

Love Tip of the Week: If people knowing about your actions would bring you shame and embarrassment, change your actions rather than trying to cover them up.

The Total Truth of Anger

A woman recently told me that she had just informed her husband that she wasn’t in love with him any longer.

I encouraged her to look deeper into her emotions as “no longer in love” doesn’t give her husband anything to work with and isn’t the full truth. I explained the stages of anger, “Underneath anger is hurt, fear, responsibility, understanding, want, appreciation, and love. Once the total truth is explored, then you can work together to make new agreements.”

Using this woman’s scenario as an example, the total truth might sound like this:

I am really angry that you spend so much time away from home. I feel that you have clearly prioritized work over family, and I feel that I—we—just don’t matter that much to you. I get so frustrated having to raise the kids myself and having to explain to them again why their dad isn’t home for dinner, or for the weekend, or there for the school play, or why we are going on vacation without you.

I am hurt because I thought that “I do” meant that “you would” be more involved with the kids and me. I ache from loneliness, and it makes me sad to think that I would be so lonely within my marriage. I am sad that so many other emotions besides love come up when I think of us. I feel like my sadness is drowning out the love.

I am afraid that our marriage is going to fall apart. I am afraid that the damage is going to become so great that we aren’t going to be able to rescue it. If I’m really honest, I am afraid that I won’t be able to resist when someone else offers me love and attention because I miss being intimate with you.

Responsibility: I realize that I have not always made our home an emotionally safe place for you to come home to. When I am unhappy or wanting something more from you than you have to give, I can see that I actually make your work a more desirable place to be; even with all the stress there, the stress at home leaves you with no safe place to just let down your guard. I apologize for not expressing my gratitude more for all you do.

I understand that you are working hard to ensure our financial security. Without that, our family would suffer far greater stresses than just missing you. I know you work as hard as you do in part to please me, and it must be really frustrating to you to feel as though I am not appreciative. I know your work is extremely stressful and that adding the stress of my unhappiness only makes everything harder for you. I realize that you are doing the best you can with the current set of circumstances.

What I want is for us to have a loving marriage again. I want us to be a happy family—with both parents present. I want for the two of us to spend time alone together again, falling back in love, being romantic, laughing together, and enjoying life—like we used to. I miss you. I want us to make our relationship a priority so that it doesn’t just slip away unconsciously. I want to feel fully alive and in love with you again. I want to grow old with you, in love.

I deeply appreciate all that you do for our family and how great an effort you put into everything you do. The truth is that I love spending time with you, or this wouldn’t even be an issue.

I love you and cherish you as my husband, my friend, and my lover.

I’m sure you can see that this is a far cry from “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Once the total truth of this woman’s emotions has been expressed, her husband is far more likely to be able to “hear” her and to make agreements.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is underneath your anger?

Love Tip of the Week: Sometimes just thinking through your emotions by yourself will move you to resolution, and you will have no need to discuss the matter with your partner. You may be able to gain understanding, take responsibility, achieve forgiveness, and let go of the anger just by becoming aware of all that you are feeling. If a discussion and agreement are necessary, the total truth will be far easier to work with than just the anger.
*Excerpted from How To Love Your Marriage

Should I Stay or Go?

Hi Eve,

I dated my husband for several years on and off before marrying him a few years ago. We have both concluded that we got married because we were comfortable with each other and not because we were "in love." We now have two kids.
During my pregnancy he cheated on me, and I am sure that there are new women lined up. I used to trust him 100%. He must have thought I was a fool. He constantly comes home at all hours of the morning, each time with a different excuse... "I'm stressed and needed time alone,” or he tells me he was working or with friends or drinking so he couldn’t drive. Most of the time he is lying and hanging out with different women. I feel like its all another excuse.
I was going to get a divorce, but I have been home taking care of my children and have no savings, nothing. I am not in a position to leave. I have tried to be the bigger person and step up, but can't you only do but so much?
I'm worried about my sanity (can I take any more of this?) and my health (what if he brings home something he caught?). He doesn't respect or love me. He can't!! His actions speak loud and clear. And he can't truly care about his children, because to aid in ruining my life is to ruin theirs.
I just feel like if I leave him, I'll never find anyone to love me (not with two children) and his next wife will reap all the benefits of my anguish because he'll probably get his act together. I just got your book but I guess I'm just wondering should I stay or should I go?

Aloha,
I suggest that rather than deciding now whether to stay or go, you do some self-work first. How to Love Your Marriage will certainly guide you in this.
First, notice the tendency to limit yourself. You’re choosing to take on beliefs that are hurtful to you—and that aren’t necessarily or even likely true. “I’ll never find anyone…” “He doesn’t love me or the kids…” I encourage you to ask yourself if your beliefs are absolutely true. My guess is that you will see that they are not—or that you don’t know whether they are true or not. Ask yourself also if you know that he “has women lined up”, or whether that is a belief you are making up. If you don’t know it is true, choose to either seek the truth, or make up a story that feels better.
How would you feel differently if you believed (or stayed open to the possibility) that you are desirable (even with kids)! Even if you stay in your marriage, this belief will serve you. What if you decided that your husband does love you and the kids, but he doesn’t have “his act together”?
In truth, love doesn’t equal fidelity. Someone can love someone very much and still be weak when faced with temptation. My point is that his actions don’t necessarily mean anything about how he feels about you or the kids. It is possible that his actions say more about how he feels about himself, commitment, and his personal strength and integrity.
Part of your decision depends on what your husband is saying. Does he want to stay married? Is he willing to work on the marriage? Is he willing to change his behavior? The answers will certainly influence your decision. If he is not willing to change his behavior but wants to stay married, then your decision revolves around whether you are willing and able to accept his continued behavior. I know this sounds funny, but there are people who stay in marriages with the full knowledge that their partner will cheat and somehow they come to a place of acceptance about it. What you don’t want to do is to choose to stay in the relationship while resisting and resenting his behavior. This will only drive you crazy, push him even further away and kill any chance of a loving relationship.
I assure you, you will know if and when you need to leave. Until then, keep working on your relationship with yourself.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you able to accept?

Love Tip of the Week: Stay in a marriage until you know that you have taken 100% responsibility for your part in the situation. Leaving without doing so will always to haunt you.

Wife wonders why she should change for him?

Dear Eve,
I recently read your column in the Maui Weekly on boredom in marriage. I think my husband is bored with me. We have been together for ten years, have a two-year-old daughter and I love him very much. But, he goes out with his friends, cheats on me (three times that I know of) and says he feels trapped. I don't understand why I should “transform” for him. He is the one who is messing around and who refuses to talk. Please help me.

Aloha,
If you look at your relationship from the viewpoint of your ego, the answer to the question, “Why should I change for him?” is “You shouldn't! He's the one screwing up. He's the one damaging the relationship….etc.” From this viewpoint you will be very justified in blaming him and expecting him to do the changing. However, you will also be very disappointed in the results, as you have no control over making him change. The only result will be the death of the love in your marriage.

If instead you look at your relationship as your very own personal/spiritual growth class then the answer to the question is transformed into a very different question. If your goal is keeping him, the question becomes, “In what ways do I need to transform in order to meet my goals?” It may seem like you are doing it for him, but you are really doing it for you. Your personal goals may be around learning, establishing and protecting your boundaries. In which case, you need to determine the kind of treatment you are willing to accept and take action in alignment with that goal. It may be that your goal is to practice unconditional love and forgiveness, in which case you are smack dab in the middle of the perfect situation. If your goals don't involve keeping him, you still have to transform yourself, but the transformation will likely lead to you leaving the marriage. Ultimately, what you need to do is decide what you want. Then, do a careful self-analysis to see if your actions, words and thoughts are in alignment with those goals.

I encourage you to consider what you want from several different viewpoints. Ask, “What does my ego want?” Egos tend to “put people in their place,” “teach him a thing or two” or prove that we are “right.” Egos are also the number one obstacle to love, so exploring your ego's thoughts will be very helpful in recognizing what may be damaging your relationship. Also ask, “What does my heart want?” Then explore, “What do I want as the mother of my child?” Then, “What do I want (or need) in the way of my spirit's well-being or from my self-esteem's perspective?” From this view point you may find a part of yourself that is begging you to make a stand for yourself or to make some sort of life change like going back to school or to joining the gym or to taking up a hobby or to becoming more dynamic (for yourself, and as a by-product, your husband.)

If you pretend that you are the only one in the marriage capable of making changes and that the entire marriage can transform if you figure out what needs transformation in yourself, you may find all kinds of things that you weren't aware of that would be powerful to master. For instance, you may discover an attitude that you want to alter, a tone of voice, a negative or blaming mindset, a possessive or mistrusting quality that doesn't serve you-or your marriage. While making these changes for yourself may or may not transform your marriage, they will transform you into living a more powerful, joyful, masterful, purposeful life. There is very little chance that a marriage would not be affected by such a shift in you. After all, you are a primary ingredient in your marriage!
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you need to shift in you to become truly happy?

Love Tip: Sometimes we will be happy because of our marriage or relationship, sometimes we need to be happy in spite of it. Find happiness internally, regardless of your external circumstances. Your internal happiness will affect your external circumstances, but your external circumstances should not affect your internal happiness.

The EROS Equation

Dear Eve,
My marriage is falling apart. Everything my husband does is driving me crazy, so we end up fighting over stupid little things all of the time. At this point, I'm thinking more and more about divorce. Please help me, and don't tell me to "get counseling" cause there is no way he'll go.
Thanks....
Love Lost

Dear Love,
First, I want you to consider what you would do if divorce were not an option. Would you continue on the way you are, or would you do whatever it takes to make your relationship workable...if not thriving?! I'm hopeful that the option of continuing on a downward spiral is not of interest to you, which leaves you with the alternative of transforming your relationship.
So, in lieu of sending you off to counseling (although, don't kid yourself that your husband has to participate in order for you to benefit...), I'm going to offer you a mini-lesson on relationship transformation via the EROS (love) equation. I am going to assume that your goal is to create a healthy, lasting, loving relationship with your spouse.

Consider this equation, Event + Response = Outcomes and Solutions (E+R=OS). What this means is that the Events that happen in our lives do not create the Outcomes we experience, rather it is the addition of our Response to those Events that creates the Outcomes. By changing the way we Respond, we are able to create Solutions.

In terms of your situation, your husband is the "event." It isn't what he says or does that is "driving you crazy," rather, it is how you are choosing to Respond to what he says and does is what is causing your feelings. When we think the source of the problem is the other person or the event, we feel completely powerless and like victims. When we shift the source of power to our Response, we are then capable of creating something new. The good news about taking this "Response-Ability" is that you can transform how you are feeling, and potentially save your relationship. The "bad news" is that you have to take total responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions.

Let me dive a little deeper here. When you encounter a problem in a relationship (an event you don't like), you basically have four choices in how to respond.

1) You can "Negotiate" with the other person for change. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. However, it is certainly worth the effort to let him know, respectfully, what it is you'd like changed. The problem with this is that it is still putting responsibility for the transformation on the other person, outside of your realm of power.

2) You can "Resist What Is" and stay in the relationship. This is the choice you are currently making and it is always the choice that kills the love in the relationship. It simply doesn't work. Resistance is really an unskilled attempt to negotiate for change and shows up as nagging, fighting, arguing, being sarcastic and putting each other down. Sound familiar?

3) You can "Accept What Is" and stay in the relationship. This means that rather than trying to change the "event" or your husband, you are going to take responsibility for everything you think, say and do and consciously choose responses that are in alignment with your goal of creating a healthy relationship. Once you shift from resistance to your husband into acceptance of him, suddenly many solutions to the challenges will become obvious. As long as you are resisting, the options-and love- will elude you. This requires awareness and effort on your part, but can, guaranteed transform all your relationships and your life. (This is the part that counseling can support you in.)

Or, 4) You can "Get Out" of the relationship. If you discover that your husband's behavior is unacceptable in your life (it may be fine for him, but not for you) then you have the option of getting out. This may not be easy, but it may be necessary. However, I always recommend you work on acceptance first as it can work miracles in a relationship.

If you use the E+R=OS equation in every area of your life, you will discover your personal power for bringing out the ELATION in your rELATIONships.
Good luck to you!
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question:
What are you willing to take responsibility for?

Love Tip: When in doubt, take responsibility.

Married to a Verbally Abusive Husband

Dear Eve,
I've been married for eighteen years and in the last nine years my husband has been very, very verbally abusive to me. I was wondering how much longer I have to take it. His complaint is that we don't spend time together, but we are together -bowling, at home, etc-just about all of the time that we are not at work. He lectures me all the time; It's always what he wants and how I “better make changes or else he's going to make changes.” He cuts me down by telling me in front of others that I was a lousy mother, lousy housecleaner, lousy financier and a lousy wife. I feel so hurt that I want to divorce him. Even though I am fifty-years -old, I'm not afraid of starting a new life without him. I would really appreciate your advice on this.

Aloha,
Your story reminds me of a man I saw standing on a corner begging for money. He held a sign saying, “I need some change.” To me, nothing seemed closer to the truth, but he was missing his own message. I wanted to run over with a marking pen and cross out “some” and write “to” so that it read, “I need to change,” in the hopes he would get the irony of his own sign. You, too, are holding an “I need some change” sign. You husband is holding one up too with his blatant comment, “You need to make some changes or I will.” Indeed, one or both of you need to do just that. Unfortunately, divorce is often one of the first changes we think of trying before learning new skills and practicing new approaches.

I have a couple of questions for you-what happened nine years ago that instigated this change in the way he treats you? Did something in your attitude or lifestyle change? Is something now missing that was there previously? Have you told your husband how you feel? What else does he say to you? Does he ever say nice things? So often we only hear the mean things being said even though there may be just as many positive. Be sure to look at the whole picture, not just the negative part. For instance, he must like something about you if he wants to spend more time with you. Do you know what it is? Have you ever asked him why he wants to spend more time with you? It probably isn't so much “more time” that he is looking for, but a different quality of time. Maybe he misses time alone with you, or time having fun instead of working around the house. Another question, what kind of “changes” is he asking you to make? Are they reasonable? Are they changes you can feel good about making?

It is my experience that when there is a problem in a relationship, it can almost always be traced back to not telling your partner the truth of what you are feeling. The “truth” is not simply that you are angry and you want a divorce. If you dig a little deeper into your heart you'll find that underneath your anger is hurt and fear. You are hurt that he would say mean things to you and afraid that you two will never return to loving communication. Underneath that pain, there is something you want-to feel loved rather than threatened, for example. Perhaps what you really want is for the relationship to work. And there is something you understand or need to understand from his perspective-perhaps you understand that you have pulled away from him emotionally or that his complaints are his unskilled attempts to make the situation better. Underneath all of that is something that you love and appreciate about him. So when you decide to tell him the truth of how you are feeling and listen to the truth of how he is feeling, be sure that you explore all that you are feeling and not just the negative.
How much do you “have to take”? As much as it takes for you to be inspired to do something different.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What changes do you need to make?

Love Tip: Awareness that change is needed is the first step, but action is required for satisfaction. Sometimes the action is simply a new perspective from looking at the total truth.

Should We Say "I Do"?

Dear Eve,
I've been involved with a man for about two years, but due to our professions, the whole relationship has been long distance. We are about to see each other again for the first time in about six months and are both so excited about it! He is such a good friend-kind, honest, trustworthy, a good listener, has a great sense of humor, sensitive, flexible, understanding and he's very adventuresome. He loves to travel around the world. He is definitely very unique - one of-a kind guy.

We have talked about getting married a few times—we're in our forties and neither of us has been married before—and we are now actually thinking about going for it on this upcoming vacation. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. What do you think? I'm planning to get a copy of “How to Love Your Marriage,” too!

Aloha,
Congratulations on finding such a great partner. It is nice to hear about so many positive qualities! I'm not really sure exactly what you are asking me. Do you want to know if I think you should get married to him?

I have nothing against marriage, however I do think asking some difficult questions is really important-especially when you have lived in different states the whole time you've been dating.
For instance, if you get married, how will that change the current living arrangements? Are you willing to move to be with him? Is he able and willing to relocate? Are you planning to continue living in separate places?

What are the reasons for getting married (as opposed to just continuing in a relationship)? What are the benefits and what are the risks?
How do finances come into play? Does marriage impact either of your financial situations-positively or negatively? Would divorce?

Generically speaking, the tricky thing about long distance relationships is that we tend to do a lot of fantasizing about who we THINK the other person is. We often end up more in love with the fantasy or illusion than the reality. Rarely do we ever imagine the other person with morning breath or bad moods or stressed out. We usually fantasize about them at their BEST, not their “typical” or worst version. In addition, the only time you have ever seen each other is when one or the other or both are on vacation, which is really different than reality, too. Then you top all that off with the reality that in order to be together, one of you has to make a huge life change and move away from your support system and familiar surroundings. It can add a lot of stress into the mix and a lot of "Wait a minute, I thought...." (Finish the sentence with your favorite fantasy of what you thought about the other person.)

With all that said by way of warning, my husband and I met while I was here on vacation, dated long distance, spent five months on the phone, and then I moved to Hawaii to be with him and we've been together for fifteen years. So it can definitely work, but I highly recommend you get a copy of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be. This book was written SPECIFICALLY for this circumstance as we wrote it while we were getting to know each other better. It is full of the questions to facilitate your exploration of who each of you are, what each of you want, what your values and goals are-everything! How to Love Your Marriage isn't so much for the decision phase; it is full of really great skills and tools to assist you in keeping your relationship alive and thriving (regardless of whether you are married).
I wish you the best.
Much aloha!
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Would you marry your partner regardless of how the “ending of the story” was going to go?

Love Tip of the Week: If you ask too many questions, you'll never get married. If you ask too few, you'll surely get divorced.

A Call to SHOW your Love

Dear Eve,
The reason I'm writing to you is because I know that your advice column is widely read, and I just wanted to share my experience in the hope that if it touches one heart, or helps one person, that the pain I'm feeling will not have been for naught.

My husband is leaving our relationship and at this point, it is out of my hands. The finality of losing someone who has been in your life for 28 years, with whom you've birthed and raised beautiful children, and to whom you've given your life, is devastating. Rather than try to paint a rosy picture of a perfect relationship, I am coming from a place of deep regret for what could have been, but wasn't, because of some very basic, fundamental issues-those of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

I see so clearly now what I could have done better, how I could have been more loving, kinder, more compassionate, more accepting, more attentive.... Poor parental role modeling set the stage on my part for many of the errors in our relationship, and history repeated itself. I feel like I sabotaged our marriage because I didn't feel worthy of being loved, and the way this manifested itself was in my being uncaring of myself, which translated into being uncaring with his heart as well.

Through much soul searching and in depth reading about what love really is, I have come to a greater and deeper understanding of where I went wrong. I look at this man who I am about to lose, and every good quality that he embodies is magnified a hundred-fold. The irony in this situation is that over the years, as I have tried to "lead him to God"-on my terms and with my expectations-he has quietly been doing God's work. Not one to give lip service to how we should act as humanitarians as we walk through this life, this is a man who humbly sees a need and fills it, without any thought of recognition for himself. His heart is pure, and filled with kindness and compassion for the less fortunate of the world. My efforts to "lead him to God", while well intentioned, set the stage for the beginning of the end of our relationship. I see now how he's had God in his heart all along, and that I was the one who could have benefited from following his example.

Had I stayed in gratitude and appreciation over the course of our lives together, I don't believe we would be where we are now. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, because I lived so much of my life from fear-without knowing that I was-I pushed away the love that was trying so hard to break through that fear. Now that it has, it's come too late. Remorse is a pain that rips at the heart.

For anyone who is reading this, all I can say is "be good to each other. Treat your spouse with the love, care, and respect that they deserve, and always see the best in them. When you see the best in them, you'll see the best in yourself, and love will be able to flow. The pain of loss is great. Think long and hard about how much you stand to lose and weigh it very carefully."
Before this was right in front of me, I never could have imagined how much it would hurt, or how senseless it would be. Now my eyes have been opened, and the tears flow freely from those eyes. Life's tragedies must have some greater meaning. This is the only thought that keeps me going.

Aloha,
I great reminder to us all to cherish our loved ones-as is. I'm impressed at your ability to take responsibility for your situation so that you are better able to grow from it. The challenge now will be to forgive and love your self-as is. My fear for you is that you will do to yourself all the same things that you feel you did "wrong" to your husband. Please don't spend your life in that turmoil; love and accept yourself as you wish you had loved and accepted him. Forgive yourself, as you have forgiven him.
With aloha,
Eve

Love Tip of the Week: Use foresight to save your current relationship, or you'll use hindsight to save your next relationship.

A Matter of Respect

A Matter of Respect
Husband is “just looking,” wife feels betrayed
Dear Eve
I feel betrayed. Not only has my husband of thirty-four years been viewing hundreds of women's profiles online, but he even put his profile on Match.com. I have a spy program and have watched him do this for the last three weeks. When I confronted him, he said he was "only looking” to compare me to other women. I don't believe him. We have been through this problem twice before, and two years ago he even met a woman from the Internet. He is saying he he didn't do anything wrong as he never had "replied" to a woman's message going to his mailbox. I feel it was only a matter of time before he responded to an email. To me, it was a violation of our marriage for him to be pretending to be "separated" and to join these dating sites. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. When I try to talk to him about it, he acts like it was nothing and tells me that he loves me and wants us to retire together. I just feel so empty inside. I was sure he would never do this to me again. Could you please write something that I could let him read to convince him what he was doing was wrong?
Hurting inside

Aloha,
My heart goes out to you, this is a really difficult situation. To your husband I would say this:
When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, WATER YOUR LAWN!
If you are not handling whatever is lacking in your relationship, you are going to enter into another relationship bringing that same inability to address issues, heal the hurts and make the relationship healthy. If you put the same amount of time into your marriage as you do into reading other women's profiles, emailing, chatting and searching for a new situation, you would be able to a higher level of quality to your marriage.

This is not a matter of “right” or “wrong,” it is a matter of disrespect. Your actions are hurting your wife. You need to make the decision to either be married and committed to your spouse or get out and be single. Doing both is killing the love and trust in your relationship.
“Comparing” your wife to other women is unfair as it will ALWAYS creates a winner (the other woman) and a loser (your wife), because we seldom compare a whole person to a whole person. You compare your wife's legs to a woman who has great legs, but perhaps not the best hair. So you compare your wife's hair to a different woman who has great hair, but who doesn't like the same activities as you do. You compare your wife's interests to someone who shares some of your hobbies, but who doesn't have the size breasts you prefer. So you compare your wife's breasts to the most voluptuous woman you can find, but who doesn't have the kind personality of your wife. If you are going to compare someone to someone else, or yourself to someone else, compare in totality, across the board. Then you may find that while there are some areas your wife may not be “the best,” over all, she may be the winner. When you compare part by part, she doesn't stand a chance and neither does your marriage.

TO YOU, I would say:
When you put your power for happiness on someone else's behavior, you become a victim. If you continue in the relationship expecting your husband to change, you are very likely going to continue to be disappointed.

If instead you take responsibility for how you feel, what you do, say and think (and even the quality of your marriage), you will discover that you have choices and that makes you very powerful. This is a great opportunity for you to take a long hard look at your marriage, your life, your choices and your behavior to see what you might need to do differently to bring about different results.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: If divorce were not an option and living miserably (i.e. with distrust, anxiety, suspicion, etc.) were not an option either, what would you do differently?

Love Tip of the Week: Rather than looking for who is right and who is wrong, look for what you can do to make the situation work for both of you.

She Loves Me but She's Not "In Love"

She Loves Me, but She's Not "In Love"

Dear Eve,
I am reading your book How to Love Your Marriage and it has helped a lot with my situation. My wife and I dated for many years before we got married. We have had intimacy issues for a long time and chose to let things work themselves out on their own, BAD DECISION. Instead, they snowballed into bigger issues. We have neglected and taken each other for granted. We haven't done the little things that made our relationship special or even spending time together. Then, I learned that she was having an affair. Unfortunately it made me realize how important she was to me and I told her that I want to work things out. She said that she loves so many things about me, but she's not "In Love." We have been going to a therapist and it has been helping, but she still feels the same. She wants to try to get back to where we were when things were good. She is trying; she has become more affectionate towards me and I have been trying to take your advice about taking it moment-by-moment and not focusing on the past or future.

We have been spending a lot more quality time together and it has been enjoyable for both of us. My issue is that it feels like we are just peacefully cohabiting.

I am unsure how to proceed, I know that I need to just keep taking it day by day and be supportive and show her I love her, but is there anything else that I can do?

Aloha,
I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. The good news here is that you and your wife WANT to try to make things better. Many relationships don't have that benefit. Remember that you don't really want to “get things back the way they WERE,” instead, you want to turn your relationship into what it can become-the best it can be. This is especially true after an affair has taken place. You often have to realize that you are now picking up the pieces, adding some new elements and creating a NEW relationship, not just restoring the old one. The two of you are making a NEW decision to be together, to recommit to the relationship from this point forward, not to resurrect the past. The difference is that one is an effort to go backwards (which is impossible) the other is to go forwards (which is hopeful and holds unlimited possibility).

This also means that rather than lamenting whether you currently have anything in common or not, you have the opportunity to create/find things that you have in common and mutually enjoy.

The one who holds the most power to transform the relationship is the person who is the least committed. In other words, all of the things you are doing and realizing are great and surely make a big difference, but you can't make your wife fall “in love” again. She has to do that. The good news is that she CAN fall in love again, because love never really goes away, it just gets covered up (by experiences, thoughts, beliefs, ego, etc.). Thus, if she is willing to do the work to clear away the obstacles, she can restore her access to love. The two of you can also restore the intimacy and passion. This may require a higher level of sensitivity to what sex is like for the other person, as men and women tend to experience it differently.

In addition, I invite you both to realize that we typically pick partners that have something to teach us. I have discovered that everything that I find difficult in a partner or that seems so different, is a GREAT teacher for me-and quite often either a quality that I need to embrace more in my life, or...one which allows me an opportunity to practice compassion, acceptance, or forgiveness, etc.

Give yourselves time and continue prioritizing your relationship highly. Remember, the development of your relationship took several years the first time and in many ways you are in that phase of relationship development again.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you believe you can fall back in love?

Love Tip of the Week: Never underestimate the value of peaceful cohabitation as the foundation on which to grow a great relationship.