Skill One: Remember Who You Are

This is part one of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills.

Through the course of twenty-years of personal and spiritual growth study and my own personal work, I have identified five essential life skills that are critical for creating a joyful life and healthy relationships—with your loved ones, coworkers, yourself and with Spirit. The steps are: remembering who/what you really are, self-observation, letting go, realigning with your authentic self and choosing actions in alignment with who you are and what you want. Over the next few weeks I will explain more fully each of these skills, beginning now with Step One—remembering who/what you really are.

In my experience, your true essence is one and the same as Spirit’s essence. We think we are the ego—our personality, our body, our looks, our roles, our jobs–when in actuality, we are Spirit—loving, lovable, creative, wise, compassionate, forgiving, adventurous, capable, beings who have egos, personalities, bodies, roles and jobs. The challenge is that most of us either forget this about ourselves, or we never knew it in the first place. Thus for some, “remembering” who/what you really are may actually seem more like “discovering” who/what you are for the very first time. Merely setting the intention of discovering this aspect of our selves sets step one into action.

The more you pay attention and look for the evidence, the more likely you will be to start noticing the signs of spirit at play. The signs may show up in serendipitous moments during which you are surprised by your intuition’s accuracy, or the manifestation of something you were just thinking about, or a prophetic dream, or the clear answer to a prayer. It may show up in your talents or creativity or problem solving abilities or with a great idea. A sense of who you really are may emerge when sitting quietly in nature or in a moment of clarity or laughter. Our authentic selves are always with us, trying to serve us, and when we have a moment of getting out of our own way, we are able to experience this aspect of ourselves. I call it “Divine Indigestion”—that gnawing feeling that magic is in the air, that there is something more to life, and more to each of us than what meets the eye.

Scuba Diving is a great metaphor for this in that no matter how rough the surface conditions of the sea are, if you just drop down a few feet below the surface, a diver is treated to calm and tranquil waters. From this vantage point, the diver can look up and see the surface and watch the waves breaking above—without being a part of the chaos. Our true essence is the same. No matter how much drama we have going on in our lives—love problems, money or health challenges, work issues—simultaneously our spirit is calm, connected and capable. Our spirits are unaffected by our ego dramas.

When we become adept at recognizing the true essence of our beings, we also become adept at recognizing that which is not us. It is said that when Michelangelo was asked how he managed to carve the statue of David out of a huge block of marble, he explained that he simply visualized David and then carved away everything that was not David.
Getting to know ourselves as divine spirits having a human experience allows us the opportunity to begin to “carve away” everything that does not truly belong to us, and that which doesn’t truly serve us.

How do we get to know this authentic aspect of who we are? Through self-observation, which is the second step and the focus of next week’s article, but if you want a head start, simply begin to pay attention to the difference between who you really are and who you pretend to be. Notice your self-talk. Notice what you say to yourself, to others and how you say it. Notice the blessings and gifts that are bestowed upon you daily. Notice your talents and creative abilities. Notice your feelings. Sit in silence and simply listen. Invite your true essence to come forward and create the space for It to do so. You just may be pleasantly surprised.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When you think you are a sinner, it is natural for you to sin. When you know you are a divine being, you hold yourself to a higher standard.

Skill Two: Self-Observation

This is part two of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills. The first of the skills covered previously is Remembering Who You Really Are.

The second essential life skill of Self-Observation may well be the most important. It seems so obvious and so simple and yet, we are extremely unskilled and unpracticed at paying attention to our own thoughts and feelings. We tend to operate on “automatic pilot,” as if we have no control. The reality is that unless we know what we are doing, we have little chance of changing it and often, the simple act of becoming aware causes us to do something differently.

When we practice self-observation—noticing what we are thinking, feeling, doing and imagining—it allows us to become self-aware. When we are aware of what we are doing, we realize that we have choices and choices are what make us powerful.

The very act of noticing how we are feeling can allow us to release or let go of a stuck or stagnant feeling or a self-sabotaging habit. I once worked with a student who denied everything she was accused of by friends, teachers and her parents. One day I said, “I want you to simply observe yourself and just notice that you deny what you do.” Of course, her immediate response was, “I do not.” To which I laughed and said, “Notice what you just did!” I assured her that this was not an assignment to change what she did or even judge what she did, but rather to simply notice what she did. Her task was to become conscious so that she was aware of and choosing her behavior rather than operating unconsciously. From that day on, I never heard her deny her behavior again. Just the act of awareness, released her from the habit.

The more observant we are, the more we realize that there is a difference between the observed and the observer. I remember once when I had just gone through a break up with a boyfriend and was lying on the couch sobbing, I heard a little voice in my head saying, “Wow, you are really crying. You haven’t cried like this since you were a little girl.” There was no judgment of my behavior, only an observation. Even in that moment of despair, I was aware that there was a part of me that was not sobbing or even feeling my pain. It was hard to keep crying and feeling sorry for myself once I knew that there was a part of me that was not buying into my drama at all.

Remember, the first essential life skill is remembering who you really are—a powerful wise, loving, creative, connected, compassionate, spirit, —or inviting that aspect of yourself to become known. When you practice self-observation, you will begin to recognize that the part of you doing the observing is your true self. When you stop to observe your anger, you realize that the part of you doing the observing is not the same part that is angry. This is very important. Our true, authentic selves are not caught up in our ego dramas. Our true self stays calm and capable throughout everything that we go through. When we know this aspect of ourselves, or watch for it, we can learn to tap into that strength when we need it the most.

Practice self-observation, it allows us to see when we are behaving in alignment with our goals and our values, and when we are not. We notice when we are putting on a show for someone rather than aligning our behavior with the truth. We notice when we are smiling when we are actually sad, or when we say we are fine, when we are not. We may notice when we are pretending to be mad when we really aren’t, just to manipulate someone else’s behavior. Or, we may notice that we are thinking negative thoughts about ourselves, making us feel insecure. We may even notice when we are truly content, peaceful and joyful.

The goal is to begin to familiarize yourself with your authentic self, and your inauthentic self. As you learn to tell the difference, you will be better able to align your choices with who you really are and what you really want to create.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you feeling now?

Love Tip of the Week: As you become adept at practicing self-observation, you will begin to notice that your thoughts create your feelings. When you feel bad, or hurt, or angry or jealous, trace those feelings to what you are thinking. You will likely discover that your thoughts, even more so than reality, are what are creating the way you feel.

Skill Three: Letting Go

This is part three of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills. The first two skills were: Remembering Who You Really Are and Self-Observation.

Step three of the five essential life skills is “Transcending the Ego and Letting Go” This concept always brings up the question, “what are we letting go of?” The answer is, “anything that is not in alignment with your true essence, your values and your goals.” It isn’t really that the ego is “bad,” rather it is misguided and unfortunately, most of us think we are our egos, rather than recognizing a deeper, more substantial aspect of our beings. The ego is the part of us that gets jealous, possessive, anxious, judgmental, fearful and self-conscious. In reality, the ego wants to protect us, but it manages to do so in unhealthy, often painful and inauthentic ways.

The ego manifests in our personalities in the form of a need for control or a need for approval. In my experience, “who—or what—we really are”” is love. We are here to love and be loved. However, we have allowed our egos to define what that means, instead of our souls. Our egos get a hold of the concept and turn it into a need to be loved and a need to love, rather than just being love. When we think we need love, we are suddenly feel lack or scarcity and thus, we turn into energy vampires trying to suck approval out of everyone we meet in order to fill that need. When we think we need to be loving, we try to change everyone around us so that we can fulfill our need and love them. While we all experience both the need for approval and the need for control, we tend to make one of them our “home base,” and ironically, we attract partners with a the opposite need. We form the perfect approval/control dysfunctional relationships.

Whenever you find yourself in conflict with someone else, while remembering who you really are, observe yourself and notice what you are feeling and thinking. Notice whether you are experiencing a need for approval or a need for control. If you find that you are judging or trying to change the other person, your ego is flaring in a need for control. Take a step back and realize that this is your egos misguided attempt to love them and that your ego is exactly what is blocking your ability to love them—and what is blocking creative solutions to the problem. Take a deep breath and let go of your need for control., Return to who you really are, return to love and compassion. Often we find that when we let go of our need for control, we are able to suddenly accept others and allow them their own choices and consequences on their life’s journey. However, once you have let go, if change is still necessary, you will be able to address it in a healthier way.

“Control people” often get so caught up in the need for control that they don’t take a step back to see if it is really necessary for the other person to make the changes. I remember once telling my housemate that he was putting the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, when I self-observed and noticed that this was an ego flare of control, rather than something that mattered. When I let go of control, I could see that while it isn’t the way that I would load the dishwasher, there was nothing “wrong” about it.

If instead, you are always wondering if you are doing it right (or wrong), and are concerned about what people think of you, your ego is exhibiting a need for approval. Remember, this is your desire to be loved, but your ego’s neediness actually blocks your ability to be loved. Take a deep breath and let go of your need for approval. The only approval you need is your own and Spirit’s. When you are in alignment with your higher self, truly authentic, the world will love you.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Which do you operate from most, a need for approval or a need for control?

Love Tip of the Week: Ego is always what blocks love. The solution is to realign with your authentic self where love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion dwell.

Skill Four: Realigning with Your Authentic Self

This is part Four of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills. The first three skills were: Remembering Who You Really Are, Self-Observation, Transcending the Ego/ Letting Go.

The fourth step or skill is realigning with your authentic self. This step is very similar to step number one, remembering who you really are. However, remember as we might at the beginning of our day, it won’t be long (if we are observant) before we discover ourselves acting like who we really aren’t—angry, jealous, controlling, depressed, or full of self-doubt. Once observed, we have the opportunity to transcend the ego-drama of control and approval and return to our authentic selves. So, let’s take another look at “who we really are,” that divine aspect with which we are aiming to align our thoughts, words and actions.

Consider the positive qualities of small children before they have been “contaminated” by the world around them. They are inherently playful, funny, creative, honest, imaginative, curious, wonder-filled, loving, joyful, enthusiastic, and are adventurous risk-takers. They are authentic and in the moment with their emotions; they laugh when they are happy, cry when they are sad, and forget about whatever it was that upset them as soon as it is fixed or something new happens. They are natural learners wanting to know what everything is called and how things work. They are creative and imaginative; able to build a magnificent fort out of a few blankets and chairs. Children are able to take compliments, simply knowing of their own worth and confident that the compliments are true. Small children get along with others regardless of race, religion, gender, or handicaps, as they haven’t yet learned to judge. Small children are forgiving, as living in the present moment doesn’t allow them to hold a grudge. Children are closely aligned with their esteemed-self because they haven’t yet had life experiences that have separated their egos from their spirit. Small children know their divine essence. All they do is an authentic expression of who they are.

Keep in mind that this is not only true about the children outside of you, but also about the child inside of you. You were like this as a child, too! These child-like qualities are an expression of your soul and represent “who you really are.” The good news is that these qualities never go away; access to them just gets blocked with limiting beliefs and ego dramas. With a little concerted effort, we can regain access to all these child-like, esteemed qualities again. (This is where the skill of transcending the ego and letting go comes in handy!)

If you are not familiar with this aspect of yourself, I assure you It has been trying to make itself known to you. We have all had “Magic Moments” in which we have an experience of overwhelming beauty, a powerful and meaninful dream, a deep feeling of love, an ingenius idea, a calm knowing, a deep connection with another, a moment of peace, a creative surge, or an intuitive insight in which our divine essence has been working through us, trying to wake us up to who we really are. Pay attention and the signs will be there. Get outside in nature. Sit in silence and listen. Walk a labyrinth. Work in a journal. Express yourself creatively.
As the saying goes, “Energy flows where your attention goes.” The more you practice self-observation and let go of your ego dramas, the more you will realize that your dramas are temporary, fleeting and generally self-created. Your authentic self is unwavering, steady, constant, creative, capable, compassionate and peaceful. The more you practice the Five Essential Life Skills, the more in alignment, the more powerful, the more peaceful and joyful you will become.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have your magic moments been?

Love Tip: It is interesting to note that the qualities of high self-esteem and the qualities of ego often look the same—assertive, passionate, confident, carefree, but they feel very different! Behavior based in true self-esteem is never done with an intention to hurt others—only ego does that. Pay attention to how you feel when you are with other people and you will be able to tell if one or both of you, are coming from ego or self-esteem.

Skill Five: Taking Aligned Action

This is part five of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills. The first four skills were: Remembering Who You Really Are, Self-Observation, Transcending the Ego/ Letting Go and Realigning with Your Authentic Self.

A man once called me to lament how difficult it is to meet single women on Maui, so I asked how he was going about it. As it turned out, he was living from home to car to work and back without going out at all. I offered some suggestions on things he might do to get out where the single women may be, but every option was met with an excuse as to why he could not, would not, do that. Simply put, no action, no results.
Action, however, must be in alignment with what you are trying to create; hence, the fifth essential life skill is Taking Aligned Action.
Regularly in both coaching sessions and in “Dear Eve” letters, I hear people tell me that they want to create healthy loving relationships, but their actions, words and thoughts are directly contributing to the exact opposite result. You cannot create a healthy, loving relationship when you are constantly thinking judgmental thoughts about your partner—or about yourself, or when you are withholding pertinent feelings, being dishonest or seeking love and attention outside of your agreement with your partner. You cannot create healthy, loving relationships when you are trying to control your partner or when you stop being who you really are or doing what you love in an effort to get the approval of your partner. Just as you cannot get to Lahaina by driving toward Kihei, you will not meet your goal when your behaviors don’t lead in that direction. Nor will you meet your goal by doing nothing. You can pray for, wish for, and visualize what you want until the cows come home, but your prayers are unlikely to be answered without you taking action steps toward what you desire. Even if the perfect person were to miraculously show up on your door step, you still have to take the action steps to get to know them, ask them out and, if a relationship does develop, to use the essential life skills to assist in making the relationship work.
The beauty here is that when we have already gone through the other four steps, our actions are much more likely to be aligned and inspired. In fact, when we let go of our ego dramas, often solutions and resource we never thought of become obvious. I spoke with a woman once who said she and her husband were on the brink of divorce over whether the lights should be bright or dim in the bathroom; she liked them bright, he liked them dim. When you are in an ego battle of trying to prove that you are right, the only solution aside from changing your partner’s way of doing it (which we all know is unlikely) is divorce. However, when you self-observe and let go of the ego’s need for approval or control realigning with your authentic self, suddenly options beyond divorce become obvious—two bathrooms, a dimmer switch, a make up mirror, etc. When we align with our authentic self, we become resourceful—re-source-ful—once again full of source.
In review, when something is bothering you, take a deep breath and remember who you really are. Self-observe and notice what you are thinking, feeling and doing. Identify whether your ego-need for approval or control (or both) are at work. Take another deep breath (or two, or three) and consciously let that need go, transcending your ego. Realign with your authentic self and choose your next actions steps in alignment with both who you really are and what you are trying to create. While it seems like a lot of work in the beginning, the more you practice, this whole process can happen instantaneously. Rather than living a drama-filled life, your mental and emotional health and your relationships will improve dramatically!

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you doing?

Love Tip of the Week: Give your actions and words the “purpose test.” Ask yourself if what you are saying and doing are leading you closer to your goals or farther away. Consciously choose words and behaviors that move you toward your goals. Aim to have your words and actions based in love. Say and do things that make you, and those around you, feel more loving.