Exciting News....Spirituality, Health and Divine Alignment!

So many of you have been so supportive of my articles and columns over the years, it is with GREAT EXCITEMENT and GRATITUDE that I share this story and announcement with you!

About six years ago, a dear friend Rev. Heather Mueller gave me a subscription to Spirituality and Health Magazine as a house warming present when we first moved to the property that is now The Sacred Garden.

I was delighted with the gift as the magazine resonated with my heart in every way. It was visually beautiful; it emanated peace through its pictures, words and even its advertisements. I never threw away a single copy, rather I kept them in out hoping to share them with anyone visiting who might be sitting with a moment to read.

And every time it happened to be me with a moment, I would pick up a copy, flip through the pages and exclaim some variation of or all of the following thoughts: "This is such a beautiful magazine," "I love this magazine." "I want to write for this magazine." I wonder how I would go about writing for this magazine." This internal commentary has been going on for six years.

In February of 2011, I was pondering the next steps of my career as this is something I do with pretty great regularity. As I pondered what was next, I realized that two large things were on my "list." One was to redo my web site and update it and the other was to get my column (that I had been writing for a local newspaper on Maui) into a national publication. I then considered some of my industry friends' websites and wondered if that was the direction I should take. I pondered several magazines that I could approach for my article. For both I came to the conclusion that I wanted the energy of my work to be "branded" with the same energy that The Sacred Garden held. I wanted to have an alignment of my work, my message and my presentation to the world.

At that point, various magazines began to flash through my head. I could feel my ego pull at the idea of "O" Magazine as every author knows what happens when Oprah is behind you. But one after the other my heart said, "No, that isn't it." Then, I remembered my Magazine Mantra for the last six years as Spirituality and Health came into the view of my mind's eyes. I felt internally at home. I felt the "yes" resonate throughout me. Yes, that is the "brand" of energy that matches my own. I held that clarity, put it in queue to pursue some day when I had some time and went to work on my normal daily routine.

A day or two later, I was sitting in The Sacred Garden behind the counter when a man came in. He walked straight to my book, How to Love Your Marriage, and picked it up. I watched and then greeted him. He looked over as if I had surprised him and said, "Are you Eve?"
I said, "yes" and he said, "You are who I came here to see."

He then walked over and plopped 4 issues of a magazine on my counter. The first thing I thought was that he wanted me to advertise in it. Then, suddenly, it registered that I was looking at THE magazine of my mantra. I picked up one of the copies of Spirituality and Health, hugged it and said, "This is my favorite magazine!" To which he replied, "My name is Paul and I own this magazine. "

I proceeded to gush (not my most controlled, professional moment, I'm sure!) and excitedly tell him the story of my Magazine Mantra. I explained that I have wanted to write for this magazine for six years but had never done anything to make that happen. He looked at me sweetly and said, "Well, apparently you have. I'm looking for a relationship columnist. That is why I'm here."

Within a matter of months my first column was submitted and accepted. I received an email at one point along the way from one of the publishers saying that, "It is our goal to have you write for our magazine." I felt like blowing up those words. How could it be that the magazine for which it was my goal to write would also have a goal of me writing for them? Divine Intervention.

SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE support Spirituality and Health Magazine and go buy a copy of the July/August Issue, or better yet get a subscription and have it delivered to your home....

AS THE JULY/AUG. ISSUE HAS MY DEBUT COLUMN IN IT!

Also, I am now blogging on their website so check it out for weekly (if not more frequent!) Q and A blogs. Feel free to send me your questions: Eve@HeartPath.com

And yes, while not quite finished, I have made major headway on updating my website HeartPath.com, so if you haven't been there recently, check it out!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!

Contagious Gratitude

When I walk through The Sacred Garden right after we have watered, there is a tangible energy in the air. Everything feels different. When I stop to be observant and consider what it is that I am feeling, I realize that the feeling is oozing and emanating from the plants—it feels like gratitude and joy fill the entire greenhouse. Then I discover that gratitude is contagious. I feel different. I feel joyful.

I have to then ask myself, does this lesson from the garden translate to life—and love? What if we all decided to ooze gratitude? How would our relationships be different? How would we be different?

Okay, so I can hear some of you wondering what to be grateful for. We are facing one of the most challenging economic times ever, one of the most challenged health times ever, one of the most challenged environmental times ever and simultaneously we are facing the most relationship challenged times ever. Never before have we been so poor at making relationships work. We have changed the times, the means and the technology of relationships, but we have not changed our relationship skills to match these changes. Our divorce rate and unhappy marriage rate reflect our inability.

So, in the face of all that bad news, let’s start simple.
Make a list of the 100 littlest things you can think of to be thankful for—a glass of water, a bite of sushi, petting your dog or cat, a dream-filled sleep, a beautiful sunset, the ability to read—list things that you take for granted because the blessing is so common place that you have forgotten to notice. Be sure to add the workings of your body to the list—the ability to swallow, breathe, eliminate waste, dance, walk, smile, cry, taste…

It is my belief that if you take any one of the “little” things that you are grateful for, and then move the microscope in a bit on that one thing to see all the miracles or efforts of others that had to take place in order for you to have that one thing or experience, you would have no choice but to ooze gratitude. There really are no "little" things; everything has a huge network of people or events behind it, making it so.

Take a glass of wine or sparkling juice that you might raise a toast with this Thanksgiving and microscope your awareness in to all that the people and processes that had to take place in order for you to enjoy it. The grape farmers, the wine/juice makers, the tasters, the label makers, the bottle designers, the shippers, the sellers—I’m sure I am leaving many out. If, when you raise your toast this Thanksgiving, you stop to send thanks to everyone that had something to do with every sip and every morsel that you are blessed with, you will discover miracles to be thankful for. Even if you find yourself at McDonalds this Thanksgiving, the same miraculous process holds true. We can all practice oozing gratitude, everywhere, all the time.

Einstein said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." When you see everything as a miracle, the gratitude comes flooding in—and flowing out.

Once you have the simple steps of gratitude mastered, see if you can extend the exercise into the more difficult realms. What are you grateful for in your family, friends, coworkers and sweethearts? What are you grateful for in yourself?

Then move on to the Master’s Level of Gratitude…Can you offer thanks and discover the blessing in everything you have experienced—even the death of a loved one, an illness, the loss of a job, the loss of a home or a broken relationship? Can you reach into your soul and find the lesson, the growth, the strength, or the new perspective that came from every experience and be grateful?

This is my personal exercise—can I continue to feel blessed, as if the universe is out to do me good, even when I face huge challenges and deep emotional losses? Can I ooze contagious gratitude, no matter what?

Can I walk through the greenhouse of life and “water” the world with my own joy and appreciation?
I invite you to try it too.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who in your life needs to know your gratitude?

Love Tip of the Week: Catch someone doing something right and let them know you are grateful.

Purifying our Actions…

Our egos have an interesting way of camouflaging our intentions. What may appear on the outside to be a nice gesture may actually be a self-serving ego at work. This concealment of truth not only affects those outside of us, but our ego’s motives are often equally hidden from ourselves. In other words, we often lack the self-awareness to see through our own ego games and don’t even know we are being manipulative. Then, we can’t understand why the world responds to us negatively.

Our spirit essence is all about being loved and being loving. We are here—on a spirit level— to love, learn, laugh, create and serve. Our egos, however, get the concept of being loving and being loved all confused and think that these are something we NEED to do, missing entirely the reality that we don’t “need to get/do” that which we already have and are.

Instead, the ego sets out on a mission to fulfill a perceived need love and be loved. This ego agenda, ironically, completely blocks our ability to do so with purity. Rather than just being loving and loved, we become manipulative in order to give and receive love. Our need to love others becomes a manipulative effort to control them (so that they will become lovable to us). Our need to be loved by others becomes a manipulative effort to gain approval. When we operate instead from a pure place of authenticity, people can’t help but love us and we are filled with love, understanding, empathy and compassion for them, as well.

The difference between operating from the ego or the spirit can be quite subtle and from the outside may look identical, but it doesn’t feel the same. Let’s look at this with what I call the “Tissue Issue.”

When someone is crying and we offer them a tissue, we can do so from our own ego-need for control, in which case the simple act of offering a tissue can actually (energetically) say, "Stop crying...I'm uncomfortable with your tears...." Our ego wants them to stop so that we can more easily love them.

Or, if we offer it from our need for approval, the tissue can really say, "Aren't I wonderful and caring? Notice how loving I am." In this case, we are not really the caretaker, rather we are hoping that the crying person will then acknowledge us (taking care of our need for approval). This will satisfy the ego’s need for love.

Or, we can offer a tissue from a place of authentic purity in which there is no expectation or need for the person to stop, and no need for acknowledgement. This is the purified state of authentic living, doing what needs to be done without an ego agenda of manipulation.

When I walked the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral, I unexpectedly found myself sobbing overwhelmed with the devotion of 800 years of people walking the labyrinth and the amazing effort of those who built the labyrinth (and the cathedral). As I sat in the center sobbing, I saw an anonymous set of shoes move past me and suddenly there was a much needed tissue on my knee. The tissue said neither "stop crying", nor "look at me." It was simply a pure offering of love and a practical solution to a need with no ego attached.

I share this with an invitation to practice the concept of self-observation and inquiry. Begin to notice what you are doing, saying and thinking and begin the process of awareness as to the motive. Ask yourself, Is this about my need for approval or control? is this pure/authentic? Notice that it may not at all be the action that is the problem, but the source of the action that needs to switch.

Often, the action or words used may end up being exactly the same, but when the energy motive from which they come is different, the action is received very differently, as well.

I invite you to become adept at what I call the Five Essential Life Skills* as a means of getting back to center when they are out of alignment.
The five skills, in a nutshell, are
1) Remember who you really are (spirit/love),
2) Self-Observe (what are you doing, saying, thinking, imagining?),
3) Let go of that which you aren't (The ego needs of approval and control)
4) Realign with your authentic self and
5) Choose actions in alignment (with who you really are and what you are trying to create.)

As you practice this level of self-mastery, you will begin to notice the world responding to you differently. Ironically, the ego camouflages our false motives (control/approval), and underneath those is actually the pure motive of love. It is time to purify our actions.

**I have a longer description of these 5 skills on my blog www.AskEveAdvice.com (look on the right hand side and it will show you where) if you are interested. My books, "Way of the Winding Path," and "How to Love Your Marriage" both speak to these as well.

Trained for Love

I just got the world’s most adorable puppy and since he is destined to be BIG…(and I mean GIANT big because he is a St. Bernard Rotweiller/ mix with, at 8-weeks old, paws as large as my own hands) I figure I better start training him now. As I read article after article on dog training, the funny part is the realization that I am the one being trained. The dog is just “following my lead.” Literally. As I change my behavior, he changes his.

I can’t help but think that people follow our lead too—for everything from how to treat us to how to live with us to how to love us. Wouldn’t the same dog training logic—changing what we do to illicit a certain response—do wonders when we are raising children or establishing a relationship?

First of all, dogs need to know what is expected of them and we, as “owners,” need to be consistent. Isn’t that true of people, too? This is not as simple as it sounds. in order to let others know what we want, we have to know ourselves.

Last night, I laid down on the floor to play with the puppy and he climbed on top of me—which is exactly what I wanted him to do; it was adorable. That is until I fast-forwarded in my mind to his destined-to-be-150+-pound-body and realized immediately that I had just let him be “top dog.” Someday, that would surely come back to haunt me if I didn’t stop immediately. The dog was not “wrong” for climbing on top of me, I was wrong for letting him. I was, essentially “training” him (poorly) with my behavior.

When we are confused, inconsistent or misguided ourselves, we confuse or misguide others (canine and human) who are looking to us for direction. It was a bit of a rude awakening when I realized that I had “trained” my husband in exactly the same misguided manner. I inadvertently communicated to him that he didn’t have to do dishes by jumping up to get them from him every time he went to take them to the sink. After he heard me say, “Oh let me get those,” 100 times as I took them off his hands, he was officially trained by me that I am the household dishwasher. He probably even thought that I wanted it that way due to my insistence. (This is really “funny” when you hear yourself blame your spouse for something that in reality you were responsible for creating—sigh.)

In my reading I also discovered that dogs feel insecure when they don’t know what is expected of them. They want to know the rules. Apparently, any lack of consistency and guidance from me could cause my adorable little puppy to have anxiety and stress. The same is true with the people in our lives. Our own clarity, consistency and confidence actually relieve stress in those wishing to be in a relationship with us. The clearer we are, the easier it is for them to love us—and be loved by us.

To me, it represented my own growth in asserting how I expected to be treated when I was clear with the pup that biting me was not okay. I know for sure that a couple of years ago I would have just let him bite me to pieces thinking he was just “playing.” I have had to learn to assert the same boundaries in some of my personal relationships with people, too.

The funny thing here is it isn’t so much what I say as what I do that communicates my expectations to the pup. Isn’t it true that we find myriad ways to communicate to people what we will tolerate that speak even louder than our words? People—and dogs—only treat us the way we allow them to. The clearer our boundaries are about what is okay with us, the more respectful and responsive they are.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you training the people in your life to treat you?

Love Tip of the Week: How you behave determines how others behave toward you. Big love requires big responsibility—to learn to behave so that others will, too.

A Question of Love

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, “Which direction do I go from here?” He responded with another question, “It depends, where do you want to be?” Alice, thinking for a moment said, “I guess it really doesn’t matter.” To which the Cheshire Cat replied with a grin, “Then it doesn’t really matter which way you go.”

Much like trying to “get there” without knowing where it is that we want to go, we spend our entire lives searching for answers, but seldom do we really stop to consider that perhaps we haven’t been asking the right questions.

As the author of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be, you can imagine that I am an extreme advocate of asking questions of the people you are dating (or considering dating) as a means of determining whether you have anything in common and establishing a firm foundation for a relationship. The unfortunate reality is that many of us tend to ask more questions about a car we are buying or a house than we typically do about a guy or gal we are going to be intimate with—one whom we may become parents with, or vow our entire lives to.

One of the challenges reported to me is the concern that the questions go both ways, “If I ask them questions, they will ask me questions. I don’t know what to say.” Sometimes we don’t want to answer questions or reveal aspects of ourselves due to unresolved shame or embarrassment over things that have happened or choices that we have made, but often it is just a lack of self-awareness that causes us to be unsure of what to say.

Consequently, I am also an extreme advocate of self-inquiry and self-awareness. Asking questions of yourself and seeking the answers through meditation, contemplation, journal work, dream work or conversations will all guide you to a deeper understandng of yourself. Intimacy, in-to-me-see, is enhanced with deeper communication. A deeper look into yourself is required in order to share yourself more deeply with another.

The art of questioning actually seems to be a theme throughout the ages, and throughout the sages. The Benjamin Disraeli, a British Prime Minister said, "The fool wonders, the wise man asks." Businessman Claude Levi-Strauss said, "The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions." Voltaire said, “Judge people not by their answers, but by their questions.” And Decouvertes said, “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” Albert Einstein urged us with his thoughts, “The important thing is to never stop questioning.”

Some of the sages were kind enough to help us pose the questions, Ramna Maharshi urged society to ask, “Who am I?” James Twyman, author of Troubadour of Peace, suggested, “"How would you act and what would you do if you knew you were the Emissary of love?" and one of my favorites was from Martin Luther King Jr., ““Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” And from yours truly, “The question isn’t whether the glass is half-empty or half-full, rather do you know how to fill it back up?”

I invite you to begin (or continue) a personal practice of self-inquiry. Feel free to start simple rather than tackling the big questions that have haunted humankind since the beginning of time. Just start with tackling the moment and simply noticing, What am I doing, saying and thinking right now? Then, move on to: What do I love? What do I stand for? What are my non-negotiable issues in a relationship—(the things I must have, or must not have)? Do my thoughts serve me or hinder me? Do I know my beliefs are true? The more you know yourself, the more authentic you will be. The more authentic you are, the more loved.
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are the key questions that, if we asked them, would lead us to peace, love, and happiness?

Love Tip of the Week: Ask others questions not to find out if their answers are right or wrong; ask just to find out who they are. Their answers are right for them. Your job is to determine if they are right for you.

What is Your Soul Purpose??

Recently I attended a workshop on Awakening your Soul Purpose. While I was there in part as a facilitator, I was also attending as a participant to get a better understanding of the process. At the end of the workshop the facilitator bounced around the room seeking the answer to the question, Who are you? And the participants eagerly offered up their powerful statements of soul purpose—why they are here and what they are here to do in the world.

One ten year old boy stood up in a room full of adults and shared that his soul purpose, “I am a powerful being of light, here to uplift and inspire others…” He went on to share how at school, if someone teases him, he simply remembers who he really is and thinks, “How can that be true? I am a powerful being of light….”

As I listened, I couldn’t help but wonder how awesome it would be if the whole world were equipped with a deep knowing of who we are, and why we are here. Can you imagine when you were enduring the trials and tribulations of being a teenager, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt who you are? How differently our lives would have been!

It is said that in Africa, in a certain tribe, when a woman is pregnant she and her friends gather to pray and listen for the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration and as they listen, they discover the unborn child’s personal song. As the child grows up, the villagers sing the song to the child to remind him or her of who they really are. When someone does something wrong, the whole village gathers around them and sings them their soul song to get them back on track. They realize that when someone really knows/remembers their soul purpose, they behave very differently than when they forget. Simply punishing them merely reinforces the memory lapse. Instead, they sing the song to fill the person with love and reconnect them with the truth. The village takes responsibility for helping each other remember who they really are.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what your soul purpose is? If not, I encourage you to take a deeper look. What are your passions? What are your roles? What are your gifts and talents? What are your interests? What do you love? As my friend and mentor Joel Roberts says, What has your life been a perfect laboratory for? What themes do you see in the course of your life?

One of our homework assignments was to send an email to 20 people asking them to reflect to us what they saw in us, what they thought our talents and gifts were, what they felt we were here to do. This was a powerful experience as emails came in from long time friends, new friends, family, clients, and associates sharing what they saw. I encourage everyone to do this exercise. If it seems scary to you, it may be a sign that you need to realign with your soul purpose. Perhaps it is time to go into silence and listen for the song of your soul to be revealed—or replayed, so that you know that what others see is exactly what you are authentically sending out to the world. (If you have an interest in a Soul Purpose workshop, let me know!)

By all means, when you figure it out, tell the ones who love you about your soul purpose mission so that if you fall off the path, or your soul goes back to sleep, your “village” can sing to you and wake you back up to your mission.

So…it only seems fitting that I share with you mine, just in case:
“I am a protector of love and an instrument of peace. As I authentically walk my heart path, I guide others to unleash the wisdom of their own spirits. The Divine is the destination, and the journey. Compassion lights the way.”
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When you think you are a sinner, it is natural to sin. When you know you are divine, sinning is totally unnatural. Align your words, thoughts and actions with the truth of your spirit.

I Surrender

Dear Eve,
I am so frustrated I feel like giving up. I am struggling in so many areas of my life. My relationship is sort of “so so,” nothing horrible, but nothing to write home about either. I’m barely making it financially cause business has dropped off so much at work. Every time I turn around there is something else that happens, something else that needs my attention, some other problem. I feel like I can never get ahead. It isn’t so much like there is one awful thing happening, just a bunch of little things that are piling up and I’m not so sure I can take it. Really, I surrender. I don’t even have a question for you. I guess I just want you to convince me to hang in there. Thanks.

Aloha,
First of all, take a deep breath and tune into what is actually happening right now. Breathe again. So often when we slip into this level of overwhelm, it is when we look toward the future and try to handle all of time simultaneously—which is impossible. The result is serious overwhelm, frustration and despair. Instead, realize that all you can handle and all you need to handle is what is happening right now.

Most of us think the word “Surrender” means that we have succumbed to defeat, that we have allowed another (or circumstances) to win and thus, ourselves to loose. But surrendering can be a far more empowering act if we switch the way we look at it. Rather than “giving up” we can choose to surrender as an act of “offering up.”

In my experience, when I truly surrender my belief that I know, or I control, or it has to be my way, and offer it up to a higher source of power than my ego mind can manage, I am able to switch into acceptance and allowance, and peace becomes all-pervading instead of struggle. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I encourage you to recognize that there is a higher source of power within you than the ego mind (that is usually in charge of problems). As we align more and more with our authentic selves, we are better able to access our intuition, our wisdom and ability to identify solutions rather than just dwell on the problems.

Now, take another deep breath and let’s get practical. Another thing that makes us go into overwhelm is inaction. We leave things exactly the way they are, complain about them, blame other people for them, and allow the situation to work us into despair when really one action can make a huge difference and help us to get unstuck. It is hard to believe how huge of an impact one small action can make, but let’s take a look.

Let’s start with your relationship. The good news is that according to your own assessment, there is nothing horrible happening. So bumping a so-so relationship up to a good one, and then up to a great one may not take much effort at all. Let me ask you this: If you could do one thing that would spark your relationship up a level, like say 5% more fun, what would it be? What would happen if you made a point of hugging your partner when he/she got home from work? What would happen if you put down whatever else you were doing and showed genuine interest in your partner’s day? What would happen to your relationship if you reached out and initiated intimacy with your partner? What if you called during the day to just say hello? What if you planned and went on a date?

You may find that the same is true in every area of your life. Just start with one action in the direction you want the situation to move.

So often I hear people express their despair and a desire to give up only to discover that “just around the next bend” there is a much happier, healthier scenario. So avoid making permanent decisions for temporary problems and yes, definitely hang in there.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is one thing you can do, in each area of your life, that would make it work better?

Love Tip of the Week: Sometimes the simplest action is choosing gratitude. Being thankful has a funny way of turning things around.

Handling Life’s Twists and Turns

I find myself again and again feeling called upon to provide guidance in the arena of “self-strengthening.” Whether it is in private coaching or casual conversations, I keep hearing a theme in our society: a lack of belief in our own resilience to survive—the economy, a divorce, illness, death, loss, tragedy, difficulty or even simply change, good or bad.

This simply must change. We must take it upon ourselves to discover whatever it is we need to know, whatever it is we need to do, whoever it is we need to be, to see us through difficult times in a healthy, productive way.

One of the means that I have found for my own self-strengthening practice is walking the labyrinth. As a facilitator I guide people on labyrinth walks as a path of self-discovery. The process is a metaphor for taking a pilgrimage, but rather than journeying outward, the exploration is internal. A labyrinth is not a maze, instead it consists of a single path that leads to the center—the sacred destination. The same path leads you back out.

One of the ways that the labyrinth works for self-discovery is through metaphor. Whatever one experiences while walking the labyrinth is what, metaphorically, one needs to look at in his or her life.

As you walk you will encounter twenty-eight 180-degree turns, both going in and coming out. Paying special attention to how you feel as you encounter the turns can reveal a lot to you about how you deal with change. Often people share that they didn’t like the turns, that the turns emerged just as they were getting their rhythm. Or they share that the turns made them feel “off balance.” Metaphorically, this is usually true-to-life in terms of what they are going through outside of the labyrinth.

I have found that by the time most people get through twenty or thirty turns, they begin to “make friends” with the turns. They start spinning and dancing on the turns and noticing who they come face-to-face with; in other words, they start finding creative ways of managing the turns as they begin to recognize that the turns (changes) are inevitable and that the only way past them is through them. Often they even start looking forward to them. For some, the turns become the “fun part,” breaking up the monotony of walking in a single direction.

There is something to be learned from this process as it relates to our relationships and our lives. Since we know that we will inevitably encounter turns and changes in our relationships, in our spouses, and in ourselves, achieving a sense of acceptance, rather than resistance, about these changes will serve us greatly. And although we can aim to minimize some changes—by staying fit, eating healthfully, communicating honestly and regularly, and maintaining intimacy—many changes are not within our control. Thus, our ability to choose how we respond to the changes becomes imperative.

What usually causes us the most pain when we come to the 180-degree turns in relationships are (1) attachment to expectations or dreams of what we wanted, and (2) fear of the unknown and made-up stories about what is yet to come. In other words, our attachment to the past and our expectations for the future (projections both good and bad), throw us off balance in the present.

Whether you choose to discover more about the ways you encounter and deal with change by walking a labyrinth or simply by paying attention to your current behavior and patterns, I invite you to take the time to notice.

See if you can adopt an attitude of excitement over the new direction. Make it a habit to offer thanks to Spirit for everything and trust that the opportunity (for growth, for love, for strength, for forgiveness, compassion, understanding, etc.) will be revealed to you.

Change and challenge are inevitable. We need to make our trust in our ability to handle those changes and challenges equally, if not moreso, certain.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you welcome change or resist it?

Love Tip of the Week: The root of Emergency is Emergence. Always look for the emergent blessing in every experience, change and challenge.

Recession Proof Your Love Life

Nationally we are facing what many are calling the worst recession in the last 100 years. And yet, when you really think about it, most of us have experienced a myriad 'personal recessions" for numerous reasons. Whether it was from personal illness or that of a family member, investing in technology that swiftly became defunct, losing a job, having a marriage fall apart or being caught in a hurricane or other natural disaster.

While this global recession is unique in that so many of us are "in the same boat" so to speak, one thing can be sure: When this challenging time passes, and it will, each of us will have to face more challenges, whether regional, national, global, or personal.

Just like our finances go through challenges and threats, both circumstantial and self-inflicted, so do our relationships.

We can be cruising along, reasonably content with the sweetness of our love lives when something major happens that sends us reeling, everything from illness to infidelity to mood swings to death.

So, since that is a known reality, the question is, what are you doing to self-strengthen? What are you doing to make yourself and your love life "recession proof?" What are you doing to be sure you are able to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move boldly toward whatever is next?

Things will likely always come our way that will knock us off our feet, but the key is to be sure we don't stay down for the count. We need to be able to pick ourselves back up again and get back in the game.

So, how do we self-strengthen?
Start paying attention to your language to see if the things you say to others and things you say to yourself are serving and strengthening you. You may hear yourself saying things like, "I can’t live without…." Or "I need…." Or "This is to die for….." (rather than "This is to live for!")

It is remarkable that even the lyrics to songs that we listen to (over and over) pummel our brains with defeated belief systems. Much of our music features codependent relationships feeding the mentality that, "I have nothing to live for without you in my life." Be sure that the messages you are telling yourself are serving you rather than serving to defeat you. While you are at it, watch out for the use of words like "always," "never," "everyone" and "no one." These generalizations are rarely ever true and usually only serve to feed our fear and sense of defeat.

Identify your values and strengths. Pay attention to what you do right. We tend to spend far more time "beating ourselves up" for our shortcomings and weakening ourselves emotionally than building our strengths. Then, we go out into the world from this weakened state and try to create powerful results. In difficult times it is imperative that we not only know our strengths and talents, but are also able to draw upon them to help us get through.

At the end of each day either make a mental note, or actually make a list of what you did right that day. While you are at it, make a list of what you are thankful for as we also spend a lot of time thinking about what is wrong in our lives, rather than what is right.

Strategize for your success. Many of us just watch what happens in our lives and react or respond accordingly. However, if you listen to the most successful people, most of them actually put systems and strategies in place to achieve their goals. This means making a plan of action. Inactivity in difficult times is what makes us feel stuck.

Breathe. As silly as that sounds, we have a tendency to hold our breath when difficult things happen. Breathing deeply and consciously can help to reduce stress and release it from our bodies.
There are a lot of things we cannot control, but we can take a lot more responsibility both for how we prepare ourselves and how we respond to those things that do happen.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the first step you can personally take to self-strengthen?

Love Tip of the Week: Knowing your ability to not only survive but also to thrive will help you tremendously as you face challenges.

Returning the Love

I was petting one of my cats the other day and enjoying how much he was appreciating the attention. He was purring loudly, rubbing up against me and making it very clear that he loved the love. I was equally happy sharing the moment with him.

The thought then occurred to me how different it would be, how less pleasurable it would be, to pet him and love him if he didn’t respond so appreciatively. If I petted my cats and they were indifferent, if they didn’t purr, I would get far less pleasure out of loving them.

Of course this is true of my human friends too and caused me to wonder, if it is “in giving that we receive,” perhaps what we receive is that satisfaction of helping another to feel loved.

This thought leads to what it is like to love when the object of the love shows no appreciation or satisfaction or pleasure or response. We can probably all relate this to someone we have showered affection on only to be met with a lack of enthusiasm. On the flips side, one of my cats was so needy of my attention that I nicknamed her “the appendage” as she wouldn’t leave me alone. This is equally unappealing and we’ve all known people like that as well. For some, it seems no matter how much time, love and attention we give, it is simply not enough. In my experience, the hole that is trying to be filled with the attention of another is a hole that can only be filled with self-love and god-love.

Of course, we can see these behaviors in others—the lack of appreciation and the over zealous neediness—but have we stopped to consider when we are the ones who are not responding? Have we pondered if we are trying to get someone else to fill a need only we can satisfy ourselves? Have we stopped to wonder what it is like for others to love us?

As you ponder your New Year’s goals and resolutions, I invite you to ponder what it is like to be loved by you and what it is like to love you.

Imagine what it is like for someone to ask you out. Imagine what it is like to share a meal with you. Imagine what it is like to wake up with you. What is it like to make love with you…or want to? What is it like to give you a gift? What is it like to be sick around you? What is it like to drive in a car with you? To share a home? What is it like to co-parent with you? What is it like to be your child? Your teenager? Your parents? Your siblings? Your neighbor? Your spouse? Extend that awareness to beyond your close loved ones—what it is like to serve you in a restaurant? What is it like to live on the streets you drive down? (Do you pass peacefully or are you disrespectful or completely oblivious to your impact?) See if you can spend just one day in awareness of your impact and your response to those around you.

This is an excellent meditation for the New Year. This level of self-observation will bring about some self-awareness. Self-awareness affords you the opportunity to determine whether the way you are showing up in your relationships is serving you (and them), or not. You then have the opportunity to make new choices (if you so desire) and this makes you powerful.

As we saw when 9-11 happened, all the things that we thought were so important prior suddenly lost importance when our world was threatened. As you make your list of resolutions and goals, it is easy to remember to list the health of our bodies and fitness, the health of our finances and careers, perhaps even the cleanliness and organization of our home….But this year, remember to make the health of your relationships a high priority. (If you need help, I’m offering a Creating Powerful Relationships workshop on Jan. 18, 10am-4pm at The Sacred Garden on Maui!)
May you have a Happy New Year and gloriously powerful relationships.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is it like to love you?

Love Tip of the Week: In this time of economic uncertainty, our relationships will become ever more important. However, our level of skill and awareness must also increase in order meet the demand.

What are your Charms?

Several years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to buy a home in a really nice part of Maui. The house we chose was all glass and wood and had a beautiful ocean view. We set our hearts on buying this house, but there was one problem. We didn’t have enough money for a house of that magnitude. Consequently, we did what all young people do who want something they can’t afford — we called mom and dad.

Of course, my parents were not terribly impressed with the idea of us buying a house that was so far out of our financial league. Unbeknownst to me, after we hung up the phone, my parents spoke with a swami in India who was a dear friend of our family and shared their concerns about what I wanted to do. That night I had the most amazing dream.

I dreamt that I was sitting in this swami’s office in India, he on one side of his desk and I on the other. The overhead fan rattled in a vain attempt at cooling the humid Indian air. After looking into my eyes — and I suspected into my heart as well — he quietly said, “I want to show you something.” He rose from his chair while I ventured toward him, meeting him halfway.

He gently lifted his coral-colored robes to expose his ankles and waited for me to pay full attention. Beautiful gold and jewel-encrusted charm anklets hung on each leg. Gasping slightly, both in surprise and in delight, I looked up, seeking an explanation.

Somewhat matter-of-factly, as if everyone should have anklets of this splendor, he explained, “Each of these charms represents a magical moment in my life or a special connection I have shared with another human being.” He proceeded to show me the charm that represented my place in his life and the ones for each of my family members, who were also family to him after forty years of a heartfelt association. He then simply held up his robes and let me examine the intricacy and beauty of each charm. As if they had somehow captured the emotion, just gazing at each evoked the feelings that were generated by the original event or relationship they symbolized.

He then said, “Now let us see what is on your ankles,” emphasizing “your” in such a way that I made me sensed that what was to come was not going to hold a candle to what he was showing me.

Curious to see myself, hoping to see similar charms of gold, I lifted my skirt, only to discover a shiny, multicolored plastic band on each ankle, the kind they pass out at resorts on Maui to identify you as a guest. Shocked and disappointed, I looked closer and discovered that printed on the sparkly plastic band was the address of the house I was trying to buy.

I had an instant understanding that if I were to continue on my current path and buy the house, I would not have time for magical moments in nature or intimate encounters with others, because I would be too busy trying to keep my “resort.” With one last glimpse into the holy man’s eyes, I woke from my dream, crying.

Needless to say, we opted not to buy that house but settled instead for one that was more affordable. Since that dream, however, I have had cause to consider just exactly what I choose to have on my “anklets” and I invite you to do the same.

What if we were to live our lives as if we were here to “collect charms”? What kinds of heart connections are you making? What kinds of charms do you have on your anklets so far? What are your magic moments? Think of the different people in your life. If you were to put a symbol on a charm for each relationship, what would the charms look like? If you were to string all of the charms together, would there be a common theme? Do you like what you see? Do you want to show your anklets, or keep them hidden from others? If you were to begin your “charmed life” now, what kind of charms or symbols would you like to represent your life?

Love Tip of the Week: Magic moments and heart connections stem from experiences of compassion, love, and appreciation.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What if you were to live as if each encounter was one deserving of a heart connection? How would you behave differently?

Walking in Circles—Experience the Labyrinth!

Dear Eve,
I saw an article in Hana Hou, Hawaiian Airline’s in-flight magazine with a picture of The Sacred Garden labyrinth in it. Can you tell me more about the labyrinth and what I would get walking it? I’ve heard about it, but don’t really get why I’d want to “walk around in circles” when it seems like I do that all day long! Thanks.

Aloha,
I cannot tell you what you, specifically, will get out of the labyrinth walk because it is a personal experience, different for everyone. With that said, I can tell you how to get the most out of the labyrinth walk and assist you in understanding why you might want to try it. I can also help you see how to gain benefit while you are “walking around in circles all day long!”

Without going into any of the history, the “labyrinth” I’m referring to is not a maze; there is only one path to the center and the same path brings you back out. I have found it to be the perfect “practice ground” for all of the essential life skills that I teach. The skills can be practiced and mastered on the labyrinth and then applied in your relationships and daily life.

As you walk into the labyrinth, the object is to practice self-observation. In my experience this is one of the most important skills that we can develop. Self-observation brings about awareness. When we are aware of what we are doing and thinking, we realize we have the power to choose differently if what we are thinking or doing are not serving us. When we find our minds wandering as we walk, we can practice focusing on the present moment, on the walk.

When we become aware of what we are experiencing on the labyrinth, we can look at what that represents metaphorically in our lives. For instance, if you are bored on the labyrinth, boredom is probably an issue in your life. If you judge others on the labyrinth, judgment is your issue. If you worry about what people are thinking of you as you walk, your need for approval is your issue. So the labyrinth acts as a sort of microscope shining light on the areas of our being that may need a little shifting. In addition, it serves as a place to experience peacefulness and calm, where we can quiet the busy-ness of our minds and really listen to the whisper of our hearts. We can gain clarity as we walk, receive answers to our questions, let go of stress and discover richer aspects of our being.

What does that have to do with relationships? Imagine being in relationships when one or both people are self-aware, know how to reduce their stress and access their inner wisdom when problems need to be resolved! The better we know ourselves and the better self-mastery we have, the better our relationships are going to be.

The labyrinth walk can also shine a light on various dynamics of your relationship. Perhaps as you walk, you become aware that you are more comfortable when one partner is leading. Perhaps you realize that you pay so much attention to wondering whether your partner is enjoying him/herself that you don’t pay any attention to enjoying yourself. You may find there are times where you are walking side by side, only to find moments later that you are on opposite sides, going opposite ways.

The labyrinth is a rich field of metaphor so what is revealed to you as you walk in partnership will undoubtedly be revealing of issues that could use some awareness. As we simply observe our experience in the labyrinth, we gain valuable insights into our lives and ourselves.

The same holds true when you find yourself “walking in circles” throughout your day. Simply become observant and notice what is being revealed to you.
At the very worst you will have a peaceful and pleasant experience. Perhaps that is all you really need!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How would your relationships benefit if you were calmer, clearer and more centered?

Love Tip of the Week: When what we are doing isn’t working, we have to do something different. Remain open-minded to the possibility that the “something different” is something you’ve never tried before or that won’t make sense to you until you do!

Perfect Strangers—whose hand is in your life?

Have you ever thought about your relationship with absolute strangers? Okay, so maybe you’ve thought about your relationship with strangers that you actually encounter during the day, but what about the ones you have never met? Maybe even those not even born yet?

You know how coffee commercials always target the romance of sharing a cup of coffee with someone you love—and know? These commercials have often been successful in activating the emotional tug of wanting to sit with my mom one more time, drinking coffee over a great conversation, like I see on TV. These commercials play on the power of our relationships to sell coffee and it works. How many of us have had a pleasant social moment sharing our hearts over a cup of coffee?

Well, now as The Sacred Garden is beginning to venture into coffee harvesting (yes, we’re aiming for Sacred Grounds!) and I am discovering how much work goes into coffee harvesting and production, I can’t help but acknowledge how many unknown strangers I’m involved with.

Now when I go for that morning brew, rather than just enjoying the ritual with my husband or daughter or friend, instead I’ll be forced to acknowledge how many strangers I’m actually sharing that cup of coffee with—the farmers who grew it, the people who picked, pulped, fermented, dried, packaged and roasted it. How many people put energy into the single cup of coffee that we enjoy in the morning?

Have you ever thought back even further than that to the people who figured out that coffee (or sushi, or spaghetti, or whatever), if put through this intensive process, would turn out this way? How many people were involved in the trial and error process of discovery that led to our present daily routine?

Next time you are feeling like you are all alone in the world, consider how many people have contributed to the creation of the newspaper you are reading, the computer you work on, the building you are living or working in, the car that you drive and the streets you drive on—the number of strangers we are in relationships with is mind boggling when you really think about it. They contributions others make impact every aspect of our lives.

There is a great story about three men who were laying stone when a man came along and asked them what they were doing. The first man said, “Laying stone.” The second man said, “Making a wall” and the third said, “Building a cathedral.” Imagine how differently the man who knew he was building a cathedral would feel about his life than the one who was simply building a wall. He knew in his heart that his work was extending beyond the moment to impact thousands of people for centuries to come.

I had a similar shift in realities when I was teaching school. I didn’t like my job when I thought I was teaching math, English, social studies and science, but when I suddenly realized I was teaching children, the whole experience changed for me.

Have you ever considered the impact that you make on others—including the strangers that you never meet and may never even know about? While many people sit around thinking that their lives don’t hold a lot of meaning, my guess is that they haven’t stopped to consider how many people’s lives they contribute to, or could contribute to, by just doing what they do for a living or maybe even by simple acts of kindness during the day. Have you ever thought beyond your immediate task to look at the “bigger picture” of what you do and the difference you make?

You can shift your experience and sense of connection with others by simply raising your awareness and appreciation of the contribution others make to your life and the contribution you make to the lives of others—even without meeting.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who does your life impact-and how?

Love Tip of the Week: They say fingerprints can literally stay on objects for decades. Think beyond the present moment and know that your reach, your touch, is much further than the here and now.

What Does Your Money Reveal About YOU?

In preparing for the imminent tax reality, and in light of a hard drive crash that destroyed two years of records (I know, I know, BACK UP!), I have been entering the last two years of finances into my computer. In the process, I found myself reliving all these memories as I looked at checks I wrote. With each check I relived all the decisions I’ve made, all the steps I have taken and how far things have come in the last two years. Oddly, it was as sentimental as looking through a photo album.

When I got to the part where I could look at the year-end summaries, I was shown clearly what I had spent my money on and to in what proportions I utilized it. While looking at finances is not usually one of my favorite things to do, I realized how much one could tell about me by looking at how I chose to spend money. All of my business choices and improvements, vacations, tragedies, even romance—everything was spelled out in my financial choices.

I remember when I was twenty-one I was looking through old records of my grandma’s from the early 1900’s and marveling over how much she spent on clothes. Back in those days, $100 was like $1000 and to me it seemed she must have been eccentric in her shopping. I didn’t get that gene. Ironically now, I look at my own records and marvel on how little I’ve spent on myself.

I invite you do a little self-analysis and simply notice what you value. Do you balk at spending $20 on a bottle of vitamins but not think twice over spending it on a case of beer, or fingernail polish? Do you cringe over spending money on exercise classes, but not think twice about spending it on trinkets? When you look back on how you spent last year’s money, which values are revealed? What does your mouth say is important versus where you put your money?

So what does this have to do with relationships? Let’s look at our relationship with money…and maybe even what your money expenditures reveal about your relationships. Have you spent money on time together? Have you spent money on gaining skills and tools that will increase the quality of the time you spend together? Have you spent money on taking care of yourself? Perhaps even more interesting, how do money issues impact your relationship decisions? Do you stay with someone because of money? Do you not date someone because of money? Does your financial stability (or lack thereof) impact the people you date? Do you and your partner agree on how money is spent?

The same holds true for time use. How do you spend your time? What does the way you spend your time say about you? Time is this incredible blank canvas that we get to paint. What does your picture look like?

As an exercise in learning about yourself, make a list of the things that you value. Then make a list of the things that you spend money on. Are they the same? What about time? Draw a big circle on a piece of paper and then divide the circle up (like a pie) for each thing you spend your time on (or money) sizing the slices proportionately based on how much time is used for each. For instance, if work is one of your slices, how much of your time do you spend working? Health? Organization? Spiritual life? Social life? What about your love life? How much time to you dedicate to that? When I say dedicate, I don’t just mean time spent in the same room together; I mean time spent dedicated to being together or sharing an experience together.

Notice how much time you spend on things that really don’t matter to you all that much.
Take note that how you spend your time and money is how you reveal what you value and treasure. If you find that what truly matters to you isn’t getting the value that you believe it deserves, that awareness is the golden opportunity to do something different.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does your time/money use reveal about you?

Love Tip of the Week: Put your time and money where your heart is.

Spring Cleaning

We are all familiar with the concept of “spring cleaning” as a time for going through our physical belongings and removing the clothes that no longer fit, letting go of things we no longer need and organizing that which we want to keep. But have you ever considered the onset of Spring to be the perfect opportunity to let go of behaviors that no longer fit, clean up loose ends in old relationships, forgiving those who have hurt us and apologizing to the those who we may have harmed? In other words, Spring is the perfect time for growth, yet growth can be stunted by the “weeds” that may have found their way into our hearts.

I invite you to take a look at your life. How is it working? How is the health of your relationships? What about your relationship with your body? With God? With Money? And what about your relationship with your living space? Your garden? Your workspace?
So often we think of our relationships as solely our romance ties, but we are in relationship with everything and everyone in our lives. Spring Cleaning on the emotional level involves a lot of self-inquiry, so I ask you again, how is it working? Have you allowed jealousy to take root? What about possessiveness? Are you judging others? Are you doubting yourself? Do these thought patterns still “fit you? Do they serve your well- being? Do they serve your relationships?

Is there anything that you can do to clean up a relationship from the past so that your energy is free to move on? Is it as simple as a phone call, an apology, returning something, paying off a debt, forgiving a debt, completing an unfinished or promised task? Is there anything you can do differently that would nudge your current relationship into a healthier state? Telling the truth, giving in a little, holding your ground, knowing your boundaries, having compassion? What would set you free?

When we find that a lot of our energy is being spent on matters of the ego, we are caught in the turmoil of suffering. Ego makes us feel like a victim. Ego believes that someone wronged us or that someone else should make things right for us. Ego believes that the other person should do the work, change…“get it”.

Spirit knows that the world won’t look any different until we choose to see it differently. Spirit knows that if we don’t like what we are experiencing we need to choose to do something differently.

Ego makes up stories to fill in the blanks of what we don’t know—stories that never ever serve us. Spirit realizes that we truly know very little and the more we stop pretending to know, the more peaceful we are.

Ego thinks everything is so very important. Spirit knows how very little is truly important—and exactly what that is.

Ego thinks that other people owe us something. Spirit knows that we are here to serve.
Notice when you are unhappy or angry or frustrated, whether it is your spirit that is upset or your ego-self. My guess is that you will find that your spirit is never really upset. Your spirit knows the bigger picture.

When you tackle “inner spring cleaning,” I invite you to simply notice when your mood is coming from your ego and see if you can make the subtle shift into the spirit. Look at where your mental energy goes and see if you can simply reframe your thinking to set yourself free. Choose to run a different story, think a different thought, or ask your mind to be quiet for a moment. See if you can shift from pain to freedom, from suffering to peace.

Look at your relationships and see what you can do differently—without expecting anyone else to change—to make the relationship happier, healthier, and stronger—or to free yourself from the ones that no longer serve you.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What in your life no longer fits?

Love Tip of the Week: Spring is a great invitation to grow, to bloom, to shine and to shift.

Why Do The Work?

Dear Eve,
I read your column weekly and I really like what you have to say, however, it seems like so much work to constantly be self-aware and careful about our words, thoughts and actions. I see the value for keeping relationships functional, but there are times when I just want everyone to grow up and deal with it. Why should I be the one to do all the work in relationships?


Aloha,
First of all, relationships are indeed a lot of work, but as you have probably heard me say before, the work is not on the relationship; it is on yourself. While the bad news about that is that that means you have to do the work to take responsibility for your part as the primary ingredient in every relationship you are in, the good news is that this empowers you.

When you stop trying to change the rest of the world and all the people in it and only focus on your own personal and spiritual journey, you are free. Any other way makes you a victim. Even your desire for them to all “grow up and deal with it” disempowers you simply because they won’t or don’t or can’t. You create suffering for yourself when you hold an expectation of others that they will not meet. Consequently, if you let go of your expectation (i.e. ego need for control) and focus instead on strategizing to respond to the rest of the world in a way that is more likely to lead to your goals, you will be much happier and powerful over your life experience.

You can, of course, always just let them “deal with it”, (“it” being you) but remember that this choice will bring a set of consequences that may make your life miserable. People just “deal with it” in a variety of frightening ways and consequently, you will then just have to deal with their behavior, too.

Here is another thing to consider: All this work to transcend your ego, learn to work with/love others, discover your true inner source of joy and empower yourself serves you no matter what the results are for your relationships. It is truly my belief that our human experience is designed for us to master this process of being authentic and taking responsibility for our own joy and happiness. I believe we are here on a soul level to figure this out.

However, if that is too airy-fairy for you or too spiritual, simply consider that all this personal work is preparation. Afterlife (or next life) aside, consider it preparation for when you are old, or sick, or in an accident, or grieving, or poverty stricken or lovelorn. When everything is going well, these skills are not so critical (nor is your relationship with God, perhaps) but when life takes those incredibly challenging turns that is when we find out how valuable life as a training ground has been. That is when you will wish you had been practicing all along. That is when our skill is put to the test.

For instance, my family was originally a family of six—mom, dad, two brothers and two sisters. My dad who is now eighty, has had to endure the loss of one son who went sailing around the world and got lost at sea, his other son who died recently of a brain tumor and his wife of fifty five years to ALS. I, too, have had to deal with these losses.

As I watch my father now, he continues to teach me. I realize that all the years of meditation, studying spiritual truths, and every effort to be a good, honest, respectful, compassionate man did not stop him from experiencing these losses, but did provide him with skills and tools for dealing with them. In the midst of absolute despair, he knows where to find strength and it is not from anything outside of him—things that disappear, or change—but on that which is always there, constant, unwavering.

I promise, the work to transcend your ego and align with the truth of who you are will serve you over time—as well as those you are in relationship with.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: What are you really here for?

Love Tip of the Week: The choice to honor ego and fear will only cause you pain. The choice to honor your authentic self rather than your ego self will continuously serve you.

Mindful Relationships vs. Multi-Tasking Madness

This morning I decided to eat mindfully then, halfway through my lunch, I suddenly realized that my conscious mind missed the first half of my sandwich. I was typing unmindful that I was eating. So with the next bite, I ate more mindfully, paying attention to the different tastes as they passed over my tongue.

Then, since I was simultaneously typing this article (multitasking is surely against the mindfulness “rules”), I decided to type with mindfulness. Normally when I type my fingers fly across the keyboard and I pay no attention to them whatsoever. In fact, that is one of the things I like about typing, it is like my hands know a foreign language and they are so fluent that I don’t have to even think about what they are trying to say, rather, I just allow them to say it. But today, I decide to put my awareness in my fingertips, mindfully. I feel the smoothness of my keyboard; almost soft it is so smooth. I notice each movement of my hand.

With all my attention in my fingers, I start thinking about where the letters are and suddenly I make typo after typo, as if it is unconsciousness that allows my fingers to type, not consciousness. I take another bite and realize how hard it is to be truly mindful of two things at once. I wonder if my extremely multi-taking life could really handle mindful living on an ongoing basis. How would I drive, talk on my cell phone, navigate, drink water, plan to the next day and make my “to-do” list, if I paid true and mindful attention to everything I did. And then the thought crosses my mind, how do I truly live, if I do not? Just like the first half of the sandwich that my mind fully missed while I thought about other things, how much of our lives are we missing while we unmindfully do so much? I realize it isn’t the mindfulness I should sacrifice for the multi-tasking, it is the other way around.

I can’t help but wonder how a multitasking lifestyle impacts relationships. What if we were really present with each and every person we spoke to? I have few regrets in life but the thing I will always regret is not being more mindful when my mom called to talk. I remember that I was always happy to hear from her, but I also remember doing a lot of other things while I talked with her, not giving her my full attention nor giving myself hers. That is the one thing I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for now that I can no longer have phone conversations with my mom. But am I still guilty of doing the same thing with other people that I love! I have been known to be talking to my husband, while simultaneously opening email, instant messaging with at least two other people and watching TV at the same time.

Do we “multitask” because we have so much to do, or because we are consciously or unconsciously avoiding being truly present and mindful with someone else? What is so important that we don’t have the time to be truly present to love and communication?
While I may be mindful in one area of my life, simultaneously there are many areas that I am not; the same is likely true for you. My mindfulness seems to work more like a roving spotlight, shining on one thing then the next, seldom illuminating the whole of me—and my life at once. For some, that spotlight hasn’t even ever been turned on, no self-observation has ever taken place; the beauty, power and peacefulness of the present moment has never been experienced at all.

While it may not be possible to be mindful all day long, in every moment, the power of a mindful moment each day shared with someone you love can make a relationship strong and loving. A mindful moment with yourself can keep you peaceful and capable of being strong and loving.

Intellectual Foreplay Questions of the Week: How would the world be different if we all practiced mindful living?

Love Tip of the Week: Give the present moment, whatever it holds, your full attention for even just a few minutes each day. There you will discover peace, joy, love, and connection.