My Girlfriend Cheated On Me

Dear Eve,
My girlfriend and I were happily dating for two years. I didn't tell her that I loved her, but I showed her constantly. Then she lost her job, moved in with me for a few months to save money and then went to live with her sister in Florida, which I helped her do. We have since been having a long distance relationship. We talk on the phone once a week and I intended to marry her when my finances are stronger. Now she tells me she had an intimate encounter with someone else and I'm devastated. She says she loves me, she'll never do it again, and she wants to be my wife, but I keep thinking “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I can't understand why she did this, I have been so good to her. Help me, please.


Aloha,
Please know that what I am about to say is going to make it sound like you are the one who has to make all the changes. I am a firm believer that we are only able to control ourselves, not other people. If I told you that your girlfriend had to change something, you would be rendered powerless, because her behavior is out of your control. When you take responsibility for your situation, you will be empowered to make changes.

The first thing that struck me was that your girlfriend was undoubtedly starving to hear how you felt about her. Even though you showed her, you wouldn't tell her. Some people have to hear it to believe it.

The other consideration is that you let her go-you even helped her pack, when what she wanted was “for better for worse,” “for richer for poorer.” Even if it was more logical for her to be at her sister's, letting her go without any attempt to keep her with you undoubtedly caused her to question how serious you were about the relationship. She probably wanted to hear that you couldn't stand the thought of her moving so far away-especially since she was living with you.
Then, my friend, you only called once a week. When in long distance relationships, in order to help the other person feel connected (and loyal) across the miles-you need to increase your verbal contact, not decrease it. With phone cards available at three cents a minute, you could talk to her for ten minutes a day and still keep your long distance phone bill under $10 a month. She needed to know that you were really in love with her and even though you felt like you were showing her, the message wasn't getting through. You, my friend, need to start communicating in the language your girlfriend understands- audio.

Now, as far as her having an affair-yes, this is a bummer. Yes, she shouldn't have done it and I am not trying to excuse that. However, she came clean, told you the truth and has vowed not to have it happen again. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliché is just your ego's way of justifying it's stance. There is no reason to think that she will do this again. She told you because she wants honesty, trust-and change-between you.

The only thing that has been hurt here is your ego. (And yes, that is painful!) But, you didn't lose your girl. You didn't lose your love for each other. You didn't lose anything. Other than scaring your ego, nothing else happened to you.

With that knowledge, you have a choice-to honor fear and pride, or honor love and trust. If you choose to honor fear and ego, you are also choosing to honor being alone because, even if you stay together, this choice will lead you to continuously question her, throw this mistake in her face, make her feel unloved and unlovable. Unless she is a glutton for punishment, this choice will cause you to lose your lady. Your girlfriend flagged a huge problem in your relationship- stagnancy. Now, you have a second chance to make it better, to let her know that she is loved-and let her show you how much she loves you too.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Which do you choose to honor in your life-love and trust, or fear, hurt and drama?

Love Tip: Whenever you feel pain over a partner's actions, take a deep breath and move from ego to soul. Your soul is not concerned about ego issues and can offer you great strength when letting go, problem solving and moving on.

My Girlfriend Won't Have Sex With Me Anymore

Dear Eve,
How much money and effort should I put into dating? I live with a woman and we've been compatible for many years-the only problem is that this woman has cut me off from sex, but I manage to take care of myself. So how hard should I try to extricate myself?

Aloha,
You raise two questions, which are directly related; how you handle one dictates how you should handle the other. However, there are some other questions that you need to answer first. 1) Are you willing to continue living in a “compatible” situation with no sexual involvement? 2) What is the verbal agreement between you and this woman regarding your sex lives, monogamy and your relationship? How does she feel about you dating other women? 3) Do you know why she has cut you off from sex and is there anything that you can do to resolve it? 4) Do you want to end the relationship with the woman you are living with? You should also take into consideration how old you are and assess how easily you feel you will be able to meet someone with whom you get a long better.
If you are not willing to continue living as is, you have two choices: either rekindling the relationship you are in or getting out. Unless the two of you have explicitly agreed that it is acceptable to date other people, you should put no time and money into dating other women until you have finalized the relationship you have with the woman you live with. If you think getting out of the relationship is too complicated now, just wait until you bring a third party into it!
Since you are implying that you do, indeed, want out of the relationship, you should not have to “try hard” to extricate yourself; as Nike would say, “Just Do It!” Breaking up with someone isn't something that you attempt and may not actually succeed at doing. It is something you either do or don't do. Granted, it may be both emotionally and financially challenging, but it is still possible.
If you have reservations about breaking up, then I suggest you try to make the relationship work as your hesitation may mean that you have not done all you need to do to make the relationship vital. If you want to save your relationship, I suggest you pretend (just for the sake of the exercise) that all the problems in your relationship are your doing. Then take 100% responsibility for transforming the situation. This doesn't mean trying to get her to have sex with you again, this means amending whatever it is that made her stop wanting to have sex with you. When you change how you are showing up In the relationship, she will change the way she responds to you.
Keep in mind that if the reasons she cut you off from sex did have something to do with you-the quality of your sexual interaction, your attention to foreplay, your ability to make her feel cared for outside of the bedroom, your hygiene, your willingness to communicate and resolve issues totally unrelated to sex, but from which the emotions flow into the bedroom-you will bring these same issues into the next relationship.
My feeling is if you are in a compatible long-term relationship with someone, “try hard” and invest your “time and money” into healing that relationship and restoring its health before you try hard to get out and spend your time and money on dating.
I with you the best.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What have you done for your love life lately?

Love Tip: Did you ever put a house up for sale, clean it all up, put on new paint and do the yard work only to find yourself thinking, “Why didn't I do this while I lived here?” The same holds true in relationships-spend the money, time and effort you would put into finding and courting someone new into the love you already have and you will be amazed at how good it can look.

Dreading Sex?

Aloha Eve,
I've been married for several years - my husband and I have an excellent relationship - we love each other dearly and we both find each other very physically attractive. We are best friends and spend as much time together as we can. When we first met, we had fantastic sex. We then went through a rough period for about 9 months where our relationship was rocky. During this time, he was verbally abusive to me, I started dreading sex because I was hurt, felt unloved and disrespected and he'd pressure me into it even though I didn't want to. We eventually worked out the verbal abuse thing and for the last 2 years, he has been a wonderful loving husband, yet I still dread sex, which he wants all the time. I've been trying really hard to give it to him every other day, although I'm not an enthusiastic participant.
My husband and I are so very much in love, and yet I know this sex issue is going to build up and damage us very soon. He wants me to want it and be into it. I want to want that too, but something about the way he approaches me just turns me off. Sometimes I think it might be a control/power issue. Can you please help me?
Thanks!

Aloha!
We humans are a bit complex. In addition to our rational adult self, we also have a whole host of other sub-personalities-like our inner child, inner teenager, inner critic, …and we have sexual sub-personalities, as well. Imagine for a moment we are like a school bus and our rational self is the driver and our sub personalities are in the seats behind us giving us their two-cents on which way our lives should turn. When we are mentally healthy, we can listen to the input of our sub-personalities, but still remain in the driver's seat as we make decisions. When we are mentally unstable (which can be in any given moment due to sleep, food, etc), we let the sub-personalities drive the bus.
While your rational self has made peace with your husband, there is likely a sub-personality that was deeply hurt (or re-injured, triggering old pain from something else). In my experience, ongoing resentment and hurt has to do with unexpressed or unheard feelings. Since you and your husband have made peace, my sense is that this isn't so much stuff you need to express to your husband as stuff your rational self needs to listen to from your injured sub-personality, and heal. There may be things left unsaid between you and your husband, but the issue sounds to be more internal than external. When your sub-personalities don't feel heard, they self-sabotage. Then you find that “you cut off your nose to spite your face.”
I recommend that you do some journaling with yourself and dialog between your rational self and your sub-personalities and find out what is going on. Lucia Capacchione has a great book called “The Power of Your Other Hand” that explains how you can dialog between your rational self (with a pen in your dominant hand) and your sub-personality (with a pen in your non-dominant hand). It may be that a sub-personality is mad at you (rather than at your husband) for choices you have made and thus doesn't feel safe. Allow your sub-personality to express to you what it is angry about, how it is hurt, what it is afraid of, what part it plays in your situation, what it wants and what it appreciates about you, your marriage, husband and sex. Then, just like you would with an external person, go about problem solving and coming to agreement so that you are on the same team with creating a dynamic and healthy sexual relationship with your husband.
Here is the good news, in addition to your injured sub-personality, you also have a sexual self that still finds your husband attractive and who enjoys sharing intimate time with him. Your sexual self didn't go away, she just got sent to the very back seat of the bus. Your job is to invite her into the driver's seat when opportunities for intimacy arrive. If you don't like the way your husband approaches you, try approaching him and thus beating him to the punch.
I am quite certain that you can restore the sexual health in your relationship as you learn to manage your internal power struggle between different aspects of yourself.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Who is in your “driver's seat”?

Love Tip: Power and Control issues are not usually between us and another person, they are between one aspect of ourselves and another-between our head and our heart, our ego and our spirit. As we learn to heal our internal relationships, our external ones heal, as well.

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When Is It Right to Start a Sexual Relationship?

Hello Eve,
Can you tell me when is the right time to start a sexual relationship with a man?
I'm not a teen, but never felt comfortable with this.
Thanks.

Aloha,
This is a difficult question to answer because there isn't a set recipe of “right or wrong” timing. This decision depends entirely on each individual's own values, interests, attractions, etc. It is actually easier to tell you when starting a sexual relationship is likely to lead you to difficult consequences, rather than when it is okay to go forward.
It is unwise to start a sexual relationship when:

• It goes against your spiritual or moral convictions.
• You are too young (or too vulnerable) to handle the potential consequences.
• He (or she) is married or otherwise involved-or you are.
•You haven't spent enough time together to know whether there is any attraction beyond the physical.
• When substances are influencing your decision.
• You don't know what having sex with him means…does it mean you are exclusive and monogamous, having an affair, having a one-night stand? It is important to know so that you can determine whether that is all right with you.
• You aren't really interested in him, but giving in is easier than turning him down or loneliness is influencing your decision or you are saying yes in order to keep him in your life.
• You don't have protection from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
• You would be embarrassed to tell your best friend.
• You will feel bad about it in the morning and have less self-respect than you would if you didn't have a sexual relationship with him.
Know that every decision has a potential set of consequences and you need to be sure that you can accept and take responsibility for the consequences-physical and emotional-that may come about. Ask yourself the “what if” questions-what if you have sex and then you don't hear from him again? What if you were to get pregnant? What if you then found out he was dating other people? Ask yourself how you would feel under these circumstances and then see if you know yourself and him enough to begin a sexual relationship.
I know I am making all this sound very logical and sexual involvement with someone seldom has much logic to it. So ultimately, the best way to know is to trust your gut instincts and do what feels right and what you know you will be able to love yourself for the next day.
So, what did I just say? For some people it may work to be sexually involved right away (however, seldom is that a wise decision.) For others it is the right time after spending a month or two dating. For others it isn't right until there is an exclusivity agreement. For others it isn't right until they are married. The ultimate question is, when is it right for you?
With much aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you need to know, or feel, before it is right for you to begin a sexual relationship?

Love Tip: Typically we pick our partners by “looks good” or “feels good” only to get involved too quickly, discovering that the relationship really isn't “good.” Rather than letting your body decide, use your head, along with your heart to make decisions that are in alignment with your goals and values.