How—and WHO— do I trust online?

Dear Eve,

I feel like I'm putting myself out on a limb with online dating. I tend to believe whatever people tell me, whether I know them or not, I was raised that way. I'm not insecure or paranoid or delusional, but, I don't know if I should put my faith in someone I don't know at all, that I have met online. Please give me a little insight into this online dating and relationships. I'm very new to this. All I want is to meet a good lady that I can be happy with. I'd really appreciate your advice. Thank you!

Aloha,
The Internet is definitely a difficult arena to fully trust, and yet, if you don't trust you can seriously sabotage a great relationship. I think the key is "cautious optimism." What I mean by that is that you should hope and assume they are telling the truth, but cautiously watch for signs that they may not be. While the following tips apply specifically to online dating, you will find they apply equally well to people you meet face-to-face. The Internet is certainly not the only arena where dishonesty takes place. It is just one of the easier arenas.

1. Watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what the person says in from email to email, (or on phone call or in person). Also, watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what he or she says and what he or she does.

2. Ask a similar question more than once, altering it only slightly so it doesn't feel repetitive. You will find when someone is being deceptive, unless they are professionals, they forget what they have already told you. Pay attention to the answers.

3. DON'T SEND MONEY. There are whole operations of “women” particularly from Nigeria, who ask for money for ill family members, or plane tickets, only to prey on kindhearted (and desperate) men. Don't be fooled. Yes, some real women may not receive your help, but some real bad guys won't either.

4. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position by revealing too much or offering too much.

5. Don't assume that you are feeling love for a PERSON, (that you haven't met) when you are likely only feeling love for who you are HOPING that person is....

6. Aim to meet face-to-face as soon as possible when you feel you have been introduced to someone you may have an interest in. Meeting early will keep some of the fantasy and illusion to a minimum and it will save you a lot of time if the other person is not on the up and up or if there really isn't a physical attraction to each other.

7. Notice how you feel in your body as you read someone's email or talk with them. If in your gut you feel uneasy, or pushed away, TRUST YOUR INTUITION.

8. Use your head. If it sounds like it could be a problem, either don't do it or strategize to make it safer and smarter.

I have found that people on the Internet are either way more honest, revealing to perfect strangers things they would be hesitant to reveal face-to-face, or they use the opportunity to tell lies, or half-truths. Your task is to try to tell the difference.

Remember, being trusting is an honorable trait. Being untrustworthy is the dishonorable trait. Be careful that you don't get confused and decide that you no one out there is trustworthy. It is never the “love lesson” that you should stop trusting, but it may well be discriminating about who and what you trust. Most importantly, begin with trusting your own inner voice that warns you of impending danger.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does your intuition tell you?

Love Tip of the Week: We often tend to try to make a relationship work because we want A relationship, not because THAT specific relationship is necessarily right for us. Really pay attention to whether you really enjoy the particular person you are interacting with...or if you just enjoy interaction, period.

In Love With an Illusion

Dear Eve,
I have been in love with a guy for over three years now, but we have never met in person. Every time we get a chance to meet, something comes up so we can't. I don't know whether I should give up on him and move on or keep trying. He is the only man who accepts the fact that I am a single mother of two kids and I don't know what I should do. Please help me.

Hi,
It is important to understand that the love you feel is for who you HOPE this man is, not for the man himself. You are in love with the things you TALK about doing together, but you are not doing them. You are in love with the VALUES that you talk about; you are in love with the IDEA of being in love; you are in love with the DREAM that you are in a relationship with a man who accepts you as you are. However, you don't actually KNOW this man, or whether he is married, or if he has misrepresented himself. And, what exactly is your evidence that he is “accepting” you as a mother? He hasn't had to even meet your children, much less help you with them, comfort them when they're sick, teach them when they make mistakes…. You, my dear, are living in the ILLUSION of a relationship.

I'm guessing that right about now you are thinking I am wrong, that you have spent, literally years talking with him and that your love is real. I hope you are right, however, time and time again I have seen people proclaim their undying love for someone they have never met only to find upon meeting them that they don't feel the “spark,” or worse yet, that they actually feel repulsed in person. Until you meet him face-to-face and spend some time with him, you won't know. At that time, it is very possible that the foundation you have built over years of talking to each other will immediately translate into love; it is also possible that you will immediately never want to communicate with him again.

You don't say how far apart you live, but to never make meeting a high enough priority is a definite “red flag.” There are three concerning issues here. One is the potential that you aren't meeting in person because one (or both) of you knows that once you do, the “relationship” is over-the illusion will end. Another concern is that the longer you go without meeting the larger your fantasies of the each other will become, making it nearly impossible for reality to match your preconceived notions. The third concern is the opportunity cost of being in an illusive relationship.

A man wrote to me once about a married woman he was in love with who lived in another country, and thus he knew he would never meet her. However, he felt like he was cheating if he went out with anyone else so he was remaining faithful to a relationship he wasn't really in. I'm afraid that you may be doing the same thing. Rather than dating and meeting someone in person who may actually be able to be a true companion, and who may actually provide a good role model for your children, you are sitting on your computer, taken.

I invite you to take a look at how your own thinking is sabotaging your love life. For instance, “He is the ONLY man who accepts that I am a single mother.” The only one? Your belief that no other man on the planet will accept that you are a mom, is keeping you in the illusion of a relationship, rather than sharing true companionship for both you and your children.
What to do? Either meet him and find out for sure, or start meeting people in person and taking the steps to create a real relationship.
I wish you the best.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Is your thinking serving you and your love life or sabotaging it?

Love Tip of the Week: Question the truth of your beliefs. Taking the time to separate your

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Am I Too Picky?

Dear Eve,
I'm a thirty-five year old woman who has been dating online. Society has taught me that I can have anything I want and do anything I want and now I am wondering if that philosophy is making me to picky. I have found on the Internet that there are so many choices that I don't know what to do. There are so many variables, it is hard to know what is important. It is really easy to dismiss someone and say, “Next.” When problems happen or quirks in their personality arise, it is easy to just move on to someone else, but I can see how easily this could become a pattern or a cop out of not wanting to deal with any issues. I'm wondering if you can help me figure out when to stay and when to run.

Aloha,
You've raised a really interesting point, in that we have access-literally at our fingertips-to people of all kinds, from all over the world. This definitely opens our eyes to all the options, but if we don't take the time to do some values clarification so that we know what is really important to us, we could easily get snared in the trap of making choices on superficial characteristics, rather than those of true substance. The reality is that everyone has quirks and traits and issues or moments that are challenging to a mate. Everyone. So, you are right, if you train yourself to run every time an issue arises, you will definitely set a pattern. On the other hand, we as a society also have the equally challenging pattern of staying in relationships way too long that are seriously unhealthy-without doing anything to improve them.

I highly recommend that you take some time to examine your values and know what it is that you want, what is important to you and what you have to offer. This extends to what kind of life you want to live-do you want to be a workaholic, to you want to have a spiritual life, do you want to travel, what do you value most? Imagine lying on your death bed looking back over your life, What kind of life would you want to review? Somehow the viewpoint from that end of life seems to offer a bit more clarity than the viewpoint from the earlier vantage point.
Then, brainstorm your list of personal values and identify the ten most important. These are your core values, and they will guide you when making decisions. Keep in mind that it is not necessarily important that you and your partner have the same values, but it is important that you have complementary values.

I often hear people say, “relationships are a lot of work,” which is true, but what they don't understand is that the work is not on the other person; it is on yourself. My “rule of thumb” when encountering things I don't like in someone else is to always start with me-is there anything I can do differently WITHIN MY VALUES SYSTEM to evoke a different experience with this person? When you truly know your values, it is much easier to do this without compromising your sense of self, or your self-respect.

Also, be aware of whether the behavior you are encountering actually affects you or interferes with your value system or lifestyle, or whether it is just your judgment that is bothering you. For instance, if you really like the guy, but don't like the way he eats or the way he flosses his teeth, notice that neither of those things actually really affect you. What is really affecting you is only your belief that he should do it a different way. On the other hand, if he is unkind, verbally or physically abusive, or drinks or gambles heavily, these behaviors have the absolute potential to affect you and violate your values. Knowing the difference is really important in deciding what to do about it-staying or running.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What really matters to you?

Love tip of the Week: Remember that while “staying” and “running” are both options, so is “doing something different.” Always start with evaluating your own words, thoughts and actions.

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