Is He Looking for Someone Better?

Dear Eve,
Two months ago I met a man via an internet dating service. I have never done this before and I thought I would give it a go. I am 31 and he is 35. We have been on 8 dates, which basically means every weekend. We generally spend entire Saturdays together. Our dates are great and I enjoy his company and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. We laugh constantly, which is very important to me. Lately our conversations have been reaching a higher plateau, which to me signals that we are getting to know one another on different levels.

My issue is this - I can tell by looking at his online dating profile that he checks his account everyday. This means that he is out there looking to meet other women. After 8 dates, I think he should know if he wants to pursue just me. I can't mention it to him that I know because then I would look like a snoop. Knowing that he checks his online dating account everyday has not made me feel that he likes me less, it just makes me feel like he is looking for someone better.
What should I do?

Hi,
I suggest that first, before you talk to him about anything, determine where you want the relationship to go. A sense of competition can sometimes cause us to pursue something or someone that we wouldn't otherwise. Therefore, it is important to check in with yourself about your true motives, desires and interests before you talk to him about his. There is no point in talking to him about exclusivity and longevity, if you aren't totally sure you are interested yourself. What would you like to see happen-both in the short run and the long run?

Once you are absolutely sure about the direction you'd like this to go, by all means, ask him how he feels, and what he wants. If physical intimacy is brewing, it is a perfect opportunity to bring up the exclusivity issue. "I really like you, and I prefer to be monogamous when I'm intimate with someone. What are your feelings about that?" is a perfectly reasonable conversation to have. This could naturally lead to a conversation about whether you are both still members of the online dating site, and whether you are still interacting with others online.

Keep in mind also that when you say, "This means that he is out there looking to meet other women" that you are simply assuming an answer to your unasked questions. When we lack enough information to understand someone's behavior, we tend to make up reasons and believe that our make-believe stories are the truth. If you are going to make up stories, make up a full variety of explanations including stories with happy endings, rather than just "worst case scenarios."

While it is possible that he is still looking for other women, it is equally possible that he is logging online to politely and respectfully let anyone who has contacted him know that he isn't currently available. Or, he may be simply logging on to the dating site to check up on you and checking his account while he is in there, just like you are undoubtedly doing while you are on the site checking up on him. If that is true, he may be thinking you aren't really interested in him based on the same concerns you raise. The only way to know, is to have the conversation with him.

Good luck to you and congrats on meeting such a nice guy. Hopefully the relationship will continue to unfold in the direction you would like it to go!
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question:
Do you tend to trust until given a reason not to, or do you distrust until trust has been proven?

Love Tip: Don't fight a battle unless you are sure you want the prize. In other words, before you fight for someone's affection, or exclusivity, be sure you are willing to accept all that comes with "winning."