Dear Eve,
How do I deal with jealousy? I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and he does nothing to ever make me feel anything but loved and adored. The problem is that I am in constant fear that he is going to leave me or cheat on me. My jealousy and insecurity is going to destroy this relationship if I don’t do something about it. Can you help me?
Aloha,
The good news here is that your fear and concern doesn’t seem to be coming from anything your partner is actually doing. This is very good news because you are 100% responsible for what you are experiencing which means that you are also 100% powerful over doing something about it
First, rather than looking at what you are afraid of happening, look at what you are trying to protect. What is it that you treasure? This is critically important because when you approach the problem from your fear, you are possessive, jealous, suspicious and controlling—all behaviors that are most likely to push your sweetheart away. In other words, when you operate from your fear, your actions are likely to cause the very thing you are afraid of happening.
If you operate from a place of wanting to maintain the loving, harmonious relationship with your partner instead, you are likely to be loving, kind, appreciative, and affectionate with him. These behaviors are likely to keep him engaged and far less likely to desire being with anyone else. This is not to say that if he strays, it is because of something you’re doing, rather only that you can ensure he strays if you continue to operate from your fear.
There is a great Native American story I want you to consider: An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Note that the one you feed is entirely your choice. One will cause you and those you love pain, one will not.
The other thing I invite you to consider is your self-esteem. Consider the reality that the only reason you are in fear about this relationship is because of some personal belief that you either don’t deserve to be loved or aren’t worthy of love. If you truly had a sense of your own value and what you have to offer, then you wouldn’t be operating from the constant fear that he will stray.
Turning this around requires that you build and strengthen your relationship with yourself. Start assessing and acknowledging your good qualities, Pay attention to your self-talk and consciously choose to tell yourself loving and affirming thoughts rather than destructive, critical thoughts.
I recommend that you do the “mirror exercise” on a daily basis. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and start telling yourself what you like, love, admire and respect about yourself. Start small if this is difficult. If you have a hard time finding things, make it a point to start doing things in your life that make you appreciate yourself more—random acts of kindness, taking responsibility, time in nature, accomplishing goals, service to others, volunteering, etc.
As you begin to see your own goodness and loving yourself, you will be far better able to believe that your partner truly loves you, too.
Lastly, know that it isn’t your partner that you actually need to trust. You need to trust yourself and God. Trust that anything you are faced with in life is designed to make you a stronger, healthier person and trust yourself to be able to handle it. When you can truly trust yourself, you will no longer be a victim of other people’s choices.
With Aloha
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Which “wolf” do you feed?
Love Tip of the Week: When wanting to improve a relationship, always start with your relationship with yourself. You may well find that the other relationship improves automatically.
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