No Baggage...No Woman...What Gives?

Dear Eve,
I am 37, divorcing in about two weeks, and totally ready to move on along this glorious journey called "life"! I am upbeat, positive, confident, intellectual, forthright, honest, and not addicted to beer, drugs, or sports. I have no kids, and no "baggage." I have a good job and endless possibilities in my future. The problem seems to be that women appreciate that from afar, but will only get but so close—then they run off with some derelict with no job, no mind, and no hope, or accuse me of things I am not doing, just because "all guys are like ‘that.’" Am I just swimming in a "pool of fools", or is there something that I'm doing wrong?
Thanks in advance,
Confused

Aloha Confused,
If you are as wonderful as you say, then I can only assume that one of the biggest challenges you face currently is that you are still married and at minimum, a woman encountering you right now might fear that you are “on the rebound” and not emotionally or physically truly available. She might also fear that you seem to take divorce lightly with your “quick to move on attitude” which translates roughly to “Oh well, no biggie...” (An unfair assessment with so little information, I know.)

One of the ultimate challenges to answering questions like “Am I doing something wrong?” is that it could be something as simple as needing to brush your teeth or as complex as needing to be truly available before anyone you date will be available to you. There is no way I can assess the details without talking with you more.

I suggest you take a careful self-assessment that goes beyond the wonderful qualities that you have listed. Is there anything that you are doing that puts you in a category of “all the other guys”? You might even want to ask a female friend for her honest assessment of what she sees that might be pushing women away. In fact, what is your wife saying? While most of us want to make our spouse wrong as we go through a divorce, it is possible that she has some valid information that could serve you if you are willing to listen and consider it as the truth of someone else’s observation.

To say you have “no baggage” in the same breath as saying you are getting divorced in two weeks makes me want to ask a whole bunch of questions about why you are getting divorced and how you feel about it. I’d also ask, how long you have been assessing women’s interest in you—as a married man?

In the Book of Common Sense (which I just made up!), it would be unwise for a woman to get closer than just “so close” to a guy who is still married. If by saying that they “will only get so close” you really mean that they won’t have sex with you, you need to ask yourself what you are actually offering them. You are a married man and as such you are likely not looking for a long-term committed relationship or offer monogamy. You probably can’t receive phone calls when you are at home, or spend the night after being intimate or go on vacation. You are probably not able to acknowledge a lover’s role in your life nor able to show affection publicly. Let’s be honest here: you are not ready to go beyond just “so close” yourself. From my vantage point it would appear they are trying to avoid being foolish—and fooled.

It could also be the type of woman that you are attracted to or the type of woman who is willing to date you while you are married that poses your problem. So, ask yourself what attracts you to a woman and see if you are unconsciously choosing women who are all of a certain type. It may indeed be that you need to swim in a different pond, but if you don’t honestly assess yourself first, your challenges will surely follow you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you being fair in your expectations of others?


Love Tip of the Week: When trying to figure out what is going wrong, always look first to your own choices. New choices will undoubtedly yield different results.

Too Soon to Know?

Dear Eve,
I’m twenty-three and my (ex) girlfriend is twenty-one. We have been dating for five months. Everything seemed so perfect with us and like—after some bad relationships—we both finally found someone to feel comfortable with. I thought things were going good, but in April she broke up with me. She said that she fell out of love and couldn’t see herself marrying me. She said there were “quirks” about me that bothered her—minor and stupid ones that you learn to accept in a person, just like I accepted her quirks. A few days later, we got back together. She seemed excited and like everything was going to be okay. That was the last day I saw the best of her. She started acting different again a few days later. We talked and she told me again that she couldn't see herself marrying me. How can you define your future on us in just five months of dating? She didn't even give us a chance. She said she was excited about us!

My problem now is that she is emailing me, telling me what she is doing, and telling me to call her. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Why is she telling me her every move? Does she just want attention? I don’t want to call her because she has broken up with me twice. I’m not trying to be stubborn; I’m trying to be rational. I don't want to put myself on the line to get hurt again. Why should I be the one to make the effort to contact her? Should I call her or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own even though she thinks that it’s my turn to talk to her?
Please help. Thanks.

Aloha,
One of the funny things about relationships is that people almost always tell us what isn’t working (or what won’t eventually work) early in the relationship—but we don’t want to hear it so we try to keep the relationship anyhow. Later, it always comes back to haunt us. Your girlfriend is telling you clearly that she can’t imagine marrying you or staying in a long-term relationship with you. Listen carefully!

The mixed messages that you are hearing from her are likely that she cares for you, considers you a friend, misses the closeness, is concerned about you, and wants to be there for you if you need a friend. She wants to be in love with you (which is why she got back together with you), but she isn’t in love with you. She might have been telling you where she was every day, because for the last five months that is what she did. It becomes almost habitual to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend where you are, what you are doing, and check in on them, and when that relationship is over, it is kind of hard to break that habit. I understand wanting to read more into it, but I don’t think there is more to it.

I know that it is very difficult to let go of a relationship, especially when it seemed great. However, count your blessings that she is telling you now. It would be a way bigger bummer if you continued on for a year or two, or got married, only for her to then realize how she was—or wasn’t— feeling.

As for the “we only dated five months…she didn’t give it a chance…” thought, the reality is that a week of dating could have been sufficient to know that you don’t want to marry someone. One night of dating could even be sufficient. It takes way longer to figure out who you do want to marry than it does to figure out who you don’t. Five months is a definite “chance.”

As for calling her, I agree with you, the ball is in her court. Even if she does call, please be careful not to misinterpret her need for attention, for her need for you. Ask her what her intentions are and let her know if her goals and yours are not the same.

I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you hear yourself saying about your ability to love?

Love Tip of the Week: Listen to—and believe—what people tell you about their ability to love. They almost always tell us, or show us signs that in hindsight are obvious.

Are You a Good Choice as a Partner?

My husband and I met while I was on Maui on vacation and spent the next five months on the phone, back in the pre-Internet days. While “dating” long distance between Maui and California, we decided to ask a lot of questions to see if we were really compatible. (This is how the book, Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be was conceived.) Initially, I was focused on asking the right questions, paying close attention to his answers, trying to determine if he was the right partner for me. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized that how I answered the questions was helping him determine if I was also the right partner for him.

In relationships, especially when we are seeking one, it is common for us to look for the right partner, seek someone who is our “soul mate” and ultimately hope for someone to come along who is the answer to our prayers. Even when we are already in a relationship, we tend to look to the other person to be what and who we want. The kicker is, though, that we must pay equal attention to whether we are the answer to someone else’s prayer, as well. We seek the “right partner” for us, but are we, also, the right partner for them?

While it is very valuable to make a list of and to have clarity about what you want in a partner or relationship, it is also very important to know what you have to offer. This is true not only of your personal qualities and characteristics, but also of your time. Consider, what is in it for them?

When I do self-development workshops, I see people squirm uncomfortably when I ask the question, what do you like, love, admire or appreciate about yourself? Imagine you were at a job interview and the would-be employer asked you what your strengths were, only to observe you squirming uncomfortably while you searched for an answer. Or,they offer you the job, but you are thinking, I can’t believe it! I wonder why they chose me! I don’t deserve this! This lack of confidence is clearly not a strong foundation for gaining employment, yet it is often the platform from which we seek (or attempt to build) relationships.

Another challenge we face is simply how we define that which we seek. Consider two people seeking a relationship in the hopes of starting a family, but the definition each of them has of “marriage” and “family” is totally different. One thinks it means that they will be constant companions, inseparable at all times, while the other thinks it means that they will divide and conquer getting twice as much accomplished. While this may seem extreme, we often have completely different definitions of what it means to date, to have sex, to be in love, and to be faithful. Most of us don’t bother to ask the other person what their definitions are or how they feel—and worse yet, many of us haven’t even asked ourselves what we think these things mean.

So, let’s start with some self-inquiry and relationship readiness questions:

Take a careful honest look at yourself. What are your best qualities? What is the evidence that your self-assessment is accurate?

Are there aspects of yourself that you are uncomfortable telling the truth about? Are you willing to work on either changing your self-perception or changing your reality to better align the two?

Is the timing right in your life for you to be dating or in a relationship now? Are you available—physically and emotionally?

What do you have to offer in a relationship—in terms of personality, life style, quantity and quality of time?

What does being in a relationship, marriage or family mean to you?

While self-reflection and inquiry are not always comfortable, they are always valuable. Start with being the right choice as a partner—healthy and complete. You will then become a better magnet for attracting the right partner, and a healthier ingredient in your relationships.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What steps can you make to be a healthier choice as a partner?

Love Tip of the Week: In order to connect with others, we first must be able to connect with ourselves. In order to find our soul mates, we must first find our own souls!

How Much Space Is Too Much Space?

Dear Eve,
I'm 24 and I just started to see this girl about a month ago. We see each other A LOT and talk on the phone a lot. I’m just afraid things are moving a little too fast, but I really want to see her.

Last night, we talked for two hours about everything and it turns out she feels the same way. She said that it is too early on to be seeing each other every day, and that calling before work, after work, on break, etc is something that shouldn't be done. She expressed to me that her mind is telling her to not see each other every day but her heart is saying she wants to. She said that too much attention turns her off, but too little makes her want it even more. No offense but women are confusing!

Since she said she doesn't want to see each other everyday, I'm going to be walking on eggshells when I ask her to hang out. I don't want to say, "Hey let’s go to dinner and a movie" and have her say "didn't we just talk about this??" So my question to you is how much is too much and how little is too little? Do I sit back and let her call me? Do I wait for her to say “let’s see each other”? What do I do?
Thank you so much,
Sincerely Confused

Aloha,
It is great that you can talk about it with each other. I would be more concerned if she were the only one saying "this is going too fast," but it sounds like both of you came to the same conclusion. You are right about wanting to avoid walking on eggshells. A lack of confidence is not a good position for dating. You want to keep this light and natural not a guessing game.

Since you and she talked about this, discuss how much you both feel is too much or too little and come to an agreement.

If you just sit back and let her call you, she may feel like you aren't interested.
Here are a couple things that you might try:

Invite her out ahead of time, like on Monday for Friday night, so you both know when you are getting together. Knowing there is an upcoming date planned may make the time in between more comfortable. Then, when you are together, if it feels right, you can spend more time together over the weekend. Or, make plans for another date later in the week. Initially, make plans for specific dates rather than just “hanging out.“ Having a defined plan will take some of the confusion out.

Avoid the twenty calls a day thing, but a call every day or every other day between dates to see how she is doing is a nice thing to do. If you want to distance it a little more than a phone call, you can text her ONCE a day to say, “Hi, just checking to see how your day is going,” or email her. That way you are staying in touch but it isn't a big deal.

It is pretty normal to be excited and want to spend a lot of time with someone, but be sure to spend some of that time determining whether the two of you have more in common than attraction. Do you know her values? Her religious beliefs? Her goals? Do you know what she wants in a relationship? Do you know what you want? Are you both dating other people? Being sexually involved also complicates the matter. If you are sleeping with each other, did you discuss or agree to exclusivity? Did you discuss birth control? If you don't know some of these things, it would be wise to step back and consciously get to know each other, rather than just hanging out. Identify some of your own personal non-negotiables and explore them with her. This will help you determine not just how much time to spend, but whether she is the person to spend the time with.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How much time is healthy at the beginning of a relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: When in doubt, ask, or even better yet, listen to your own inner voice of wisdom.

Can I fix it? Is it a mistake?

Dear Eve,
I’m trying to get a guy back. This is our "short" history. My mistakes are numbered 1-6: I ended a two-year depressing, boring relationship, and I was on the rebound, not ready for anything serious. A week later, I went out with a hot guy I met. [1] We had sex on the second date [it was a great date]. [2] I hung around his place for 3 days. Then he left for three weeks, and asked me not to sleep with anybody else, [3] I agreed. I freaked out a little because he wanted commitment. And, [4] although I agreed not to, [5] I slept with someone else [not normal behavior on my part]. Then I almost did it again! [6] I told him. And he cried but "forgave" me, and acted like it wasn't a big deal, and said he "had to take it slower" with me.
At this point I realized that I had strong feelings for him, too. I told him that I loved him and he stopped telling me that he loved me. We were probably screwed at this point.

Now he doesn’t think I’m relationship material, but the irony is that I am "relationship material." I am very loyal, reliable and loving in a relationship. I was just on the rebound and not ready, but after realizing my feelings, I kept dating other people until I was sure about him, [even though I really wanted him].
I think I have another chance cause he has been calling me again, but we should continue to date other people as we get to know one another better. I love him. I'm going to be friendly and seduce him [but not sleep with him until he's mine].
Is this a huge mistake?

Aloha,
What I love about your letter is that you are very clear about what your mistakes were. This level of self-awareness is very important if you want the situation to improve.

From what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like a huge mistake to pursue the relationship with him cause as far as I can tell, he sounds like a good guy. However, there is another potential “mistake” that you didn’t point out that you may want to consider.

I suggest you stop dating other people while you are pursuing this relationship. He already has valid trust issues with you and if you go to him and say, “I love you and I really want to be with you, but until that happens I am still going to date X, Y, and Z…” you are neither going to appear trustworthy nor serious. On the flip side, if you go to him and say, “I realized how deeply I have feelings for you and would like another chance. I’ve stopped dating all other people to show you that I’m serious….”, the message will come across very differently.

One of the challenges of having sex early in the relationship is that it is hard to take a step backwards and start dating without sleeping together. Your plan of not having sex with him, after you already have, is probably not going to go so well. The problem with having sex while you are still getting to know each other is that it confuses the matter. Sex “ups the ante” in the gamble by increasing the emotional attachment significantly. Sexual involvement also makes it harder to think straight.

When we are having sex before knowing someone well, we are far more sensitive to what we think everything means, and far less sensitive to what some things should mean. By that I mean that we are more sensitive about what a look or a comment might mean when we don’t know the person well enough to interpret or ask. And we are simultaneously less perceptive of or attentive to the little red flags that are flapping to warn us about impending problems. So go ahead and give it a shot, just do your best to use your head in the domain of the heart.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do your actions align, delivering the same message as your words?

Love Tip of the Week: Love may be blind, but lust makes us not pay attention to what we see…

Love is Not Enough

Dear Eve,
I’m eighteen and am totally in love with my boyfriend. He and I want to get married but my parents say we are too young. Even though they like my boyfriend, they think we are too different, that he doesn’t treat me well enough and that we won’t be happy together “for the long haul.” I am old enough to make my own decisions and am thinking about doing it anyhow because I love him so much and I know he loves me. What do you think?

Aloha,
Sorry, but I agree with your parents; let me tell you why.
First, love is not enough to make a relationship work, nor is love is enough of a reason to get married. Most of us believe that love is the only reason to get married, but if love were sufficient we wouldn’t have a 50-60% divorce rate.

There are a couple of challenges with the “love is all it takes” theory. Mainly, most people don’t operate from true love, they operate from love mixed with a lot of ego. Ego creates jealousy, possessiveness, judgment, blame, sarcasm, put-downs, and control and trust issues along with a whole lot of arguments.

Pure love (generated from spirit rather than ego) is unconditional, accepting, understanding, forgiving and compassionate. This doesn’t mean you don’t have problems and disagreements with true love, but you handle them very differently. Nor does true love mean you stay in a bad relationship, enabling the other to ruin your life, but it does mean that you take responsibility for making the relationship right and if you can’t, you leave from a place of acceptance rather than resistance. (Ego-resistance leaves saying, “He is such a jerk, I hope he gets what he deserves” while acceptance says, “I wish him well on his chosen journey—without me.”)

I was recently doing a panel discussion on love when someone in the audience asked, “How do you know when it is true love?” The other panelists answered, “You just know, you get that feeling,” or “It happens instantly with the look in the eyes,” but my answer was, “You know it is love when the caca hits the fan.” In my experience, you can think you are in love eternally while everything is going well and lust is at an all time high, but when something really challenging happens, that is when the truth is told.

In my experience virtually every relationship hits what I call “the wall”—a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. This is when ego wants to walk away, or blame the other person, and make the other person change. If we can get to the other side of the wall—which takes new skills, personal responsibility and awareness (a transcendence of the ego), there is usually a much deeper relationship on the other side. At the ripe old age of eighteen, I’m guessing that your parents don’t think the two of you have enough life experience individually or together to have the skills to “scale the wall” when the many challenges of a relationship or family come up.

Differences can be a good thing in a relationship if each person respects the other’s, and learns from them. My husband’s and my differences have broadened each other’s knowledge, interests and activities. Differences can also devastate a relationship if you have absolutely no interest or respect in what the other cares about or does. This dynamic can create a lot of time apart, other friends that you also have nothing in common with and underlying disrespect can brew.

It is a matter of values, lifestyle choices and goals. If the differences go against your core values, problems will emerge (you are religious, he is atheist; you like being social, he does not; one of you uses drugs/alcohol and the other does not; he wants to live at the jungle, you want city life.) This is where spending some time getting to know yourself, your desires, goals, values, interests and getting to know him better and solving problems together comes into play.

Give yourself the gift of time—time single, time dating, time to develop, discover, learn and grow. Give yourself to yourself first, then, if the relationship is still want you want, give yourself to each other.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the hurry?

Love Tip of the Week: Love is not enough, you must also act lovingly toward each other.

Is He The One?

Aloha Eve,

I am a huge fan of your column "With Aloha" and read it every week. I was in a relationship for over two years with a man whom I love very much. I broke up with him because of his anger issues and I was never 100% sure he was the "right one" for me. Recently, we have been trying to work things out. I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for.

My questions are the following:
Do you ever really, truly know when a person is the "one"?
What are the most important values / beliefs that are "deal breakers" in relationships?
Anger issues are manifestations of fear or something else?

I know you do private coaching and would love to meet with you. Just reading your website and blog has helped me a lot!

Mahalo for the work you do!

Aloha,
First, thank you. I am glad if my web site, blog and column are useful to you.
In my experience, you may never know for sure if another person is the "one" you are going to spend your life with or the one who a relationship will work with until you actually do it, but you DO KNOW when he/she is the one YOU are willing to do YOUR BEST with, the one you want to explore the possibilities with—regardless of the outcome. You know when you are willing to accept a person as they are, and you know when their issues are manageable and when they are not. You know when a person is someone who is a complement to your values/goals and lifestyle and when they are not. You may not know 100% that he is the right one, but if you have serious doubts about it, honor your doubts, because my guess is that you do know when he is not the right one. Usually we know, we just don’t want to accept it.

Marriage/relationships are hard enough even when you are sure you want to go the distance with someone. When you aren't sure, your own lack of commitment and clarity will impact your success.

You said, "I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for." This is a clear statement that the current relationship is not what you want—and that he will have to change in order for you to be happy. As we all know, getting other people to change is extremely difficult, if not impossible. Does HE WANT to change? Does he see his behavior as a problem? As long as you are the one pushing the change, it will come off like you are trying to control him and will ultimately give him more to be angry about.

Pay attention to what you actually love about him currently versus what you hope you will be able to love once things are “fixed.” It is very easy for us to get caught up in our dream of a happy, healthy relationship while the reality is far from that. It is also easy to want the buzz that comes from attraction and mistake that for something deeper and more lasting.

As for which values and beliefs are deal breakers for you I cannot say because mine may be different than yours. For some, religion is a deal breaker, for others, where someone wants to live, the desire to have children, gambling, violence, anger, or drug and alcohol abuse are deal breakers. Assess your own values and determine what your own "non-negotiables" are. What are you willing to accept and live with...and what are you not?

Anger issues can be a huge concern. An angry husband/father can easily turn into an abusive husband/father, so CHOOSE CAREFULLY. Underneath anger is hurt, and under that is fear and then responsibility so if he wants to dig a little deeper to resolve his anger that would be a good place to start.

With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: Are you holding onto anger?

Love Tip of the Week: Assessing whether the other person is able to change is not as valuable as assessing whether you are skilled enough and willing to handle the relationship if they do not.

Is she really gone?

Dear Eve,

My girlfriend and I had been dating for two years. She talked about marriage and kids and how much she loved me and couldn’t be with anyone else. Then we both went away to college, I on another island and she on the mainland. She began college straight away and sent me card saying how much she loved me and how being away from me made her realize how much she wanted to be with me.
I continued to get calls and emails however I started to get a weird feeling that something was changing. Then, my sister called me and told me my girlfriend had changed her relationship status on Facebook.com from “in a relationship” to “nothing.” I started to get really concerned at this point however she sent me another email telling me she only is thinking of me. I was very confused, so I called her up and confronted her and she started crying. To cut a long story short, she confessed to cheating on me and broke up with me. At first she sounded like she would want to get back together when she got back, but I kept calling her asking for answers and she seemed to push further away and almost act cruel towards me. She wrote me an email saying she knows she is making the wrong choice but she needs her freedom. She says if she commits to me now, she will feel trapped and resentful and will likely hurt me again. She still talks about getting married someday, but can’t be faithful now.
Why is she acting cruel? Why hasn’t she taken any down time after are split? Do you think we have a chance together or do you think she has really moved on?
Thanks.

Aloha,
I’m sorry you are going through such a painful time. Here is my take on the situation: she is being cruel because she told you, clearly and lovingly, what she needed and you didn’t want to accept that. She said she needed freedom even though it was the wrong choice and you pushed her to make a different decision. She told you she knew if she committed to you that she would feel trapped and hurt you again, but you didn’t want to accept that answer. Ultimately, she is being cruel to push you away so that you will accept the very same decision that she already told you about in a less cruel way.
My best guess is that she hasn’t taken any down time because it hurts. Down time leaves room for feeling guilty and lonely and even though it is a healthy choice to work through those emotions, it isn’t any fun. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t upset about losing you and hurting you, but in her mind this time of her life is rare and she wants to take advantage of it. Believe me, the first time she gets hurt by someone, she will start to feel the loss and mourn her choices.
Even though you are a good guy and have been a great person in her life, she is at a time in her development where needs to discover who she is, what she really wants and make her own decisions, right or wrong. The good news is that she is taking the time to do this BEFORE she gets married and has children. So many people experience this melt down well after they are married and the consequences are far more devastating.
You will have to wait until she returns to see whether she has really moved on or not. In the meantime, do your best not appear desperate, needy or controlling of her (that will turn her off) and to the best of your ability respect what she is telling you she needs right now. Take this as your opportunity to explore, date, travel or do whatever you need to do to give yourself the same opportunity for growth and personal development so that when she comes back, you are an even more interesting person, who has allowed himself to grow and not be held back.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you not hearing?

Love Tip of the Week: There is a fine line between fighting for what you want and pushing it away. Listen to what people tell you. Honesty and respect are your best weapons in love.

Relationship Limiting Comments

Dear Eve,

I've recently started dating a guy who I really like. The problem is that he has mentioned more than once that he isn't a "good boyfriend type," and he says things like I'm too good for him. When I'm with him, he is very nice to me, but he doesn't show much interest beyond our weekend dates. I want more than he seems to be offering. What is your take on the situation?
Wondering...

Aloha,
In my experience, odd as it sounds, people tend to tell us right in the beginning what the problem is going to be. They say things like, "I'm not a good boyfriend type" or "My religion and yours are not compatible" or "I'm not worthy of someone like you. I'm not good enough." Sometimes they even say things like, "I'm not good at being monogamous," or "I'll never love again," or "I don't ever want to have children." And we, typically wanting to create the relationship anyway, tend to think "It will be different this time...he'll be good to me," or "She'll change her ways for me...." Off we go into the relationship, only to find that he or she was, indeed, telling us the truth-the painful truth, but the truth none-the-less.

The key here is to really pay attention to what people tell us in the dating process (and to pay attention to what we are telling them too!). If you proceed into the relationship knowing that he isn't a "good boyfriend type," you shouldn't be too surprised when that is how he shows up.
When he tells you that you are "too good for him, that he doesn't deserve you" this is often an indicator of low self-esteem. If that is his belief about himself, you can almost be guaranteed that at some point he will sabotage the relationship in order to prove himself right. He'll do something that hurts you and then say, "I knew it...I'm no good. You deserve someone better," as if that is an excuse. He'll then use the behavior to justify his comments. This is how patterns emerge.

So the moral of the story? When you hear relationship limiting statements like that, ask for clarification and have a heart to heart discussion about what he means, what he wants, what you want and whether there is any point in continuing to date. For instance, when he says he isn't a "good boyfriend type," you might want to ask him what that means to him, how he does define himself and what you can, realistically expect along the way. You might even ask him what a "good boyfriend type is" which will certainly let you know what you cannot expect!
Then, use your head in the domain of the heart. If you decide to proceed, know that you are not a victim, it was a choice based on the current "facts."

Also, it is very helpful to have a clear picture of your "non-negotiable" issues when you are dating. Non-negotiable issues are the really important things, not superficial things like how tall he is, or his hair color, but things like whether your spiritual beliefs can coexist, or whether you both want kids or not, or a positive attitude and approach to life. A non-negotiable may simply be that you want someone who is emotionally available, who isn't afraid to love. If the non-negotiable issues aren't a match, or at least complimentary, reconsider the wisdom of dating him or her. I know this sounds a bit cut and dry in the realm of love, but so often a heart to heart discussion right up front can create clarity for both people.
I wish you the best.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Do you think in terms of "we" or "I"?

Love Tip: Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Pay attention also to what you say and do in regards to your partner. Not only is it important to make the right choices IN a partner, but to be the right choice AS a partner.

She Ruined My Finances

Dear Eve,
I'm a man whose finances were ruined by an overspending partner, whom I am now divorcing. Unfortunately this makes it impossible for me to be self-sufficient in my retirement years once they come. How do I best approach this issue with women in person and online? I seem to get a lot of rejections once my financial situation is understood.

Aloha,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. While I empathize with your total frustration over what has happened, I'm a great advocate of taking responsibility rather than assigning blame. The benefit is that by taking responsibility, you will be honoring your personal power, rather than honoring a sense of being a victim. I encourage you to consider that your finances are not ruined due to an overspending partner, but rather from your lack of attention to what was happening in your hearth and home. The pay off of accepting your responsibility for your situation will be that you will see your power for avoiding having something similar happen again. You will not need to go forth into a new relationship with fear and trust issues, as you are not a victim; you are a responsible, powerful human being.

Indeed, most women (and men) would like to have a sense of financial security and self-sufficiency in their retirement years. At the same time, there are many single, divorced and widowed women out there who are self-sufficient and what they truly and deeply desire for their retired years is a man who cherishes them, loves them and makes them laugh. One who will care for them in other ways, beyond finances. Indeed, if you can offer true love, compassion, respect and kindness, you are a definite catch-money or not.

Take a sincere inventory of what you do have to offer instead of what you don't and make that clear in your online profile/communications. Even more importantly, live up to it in person! I encourage you to move forward from a place of forgiveness of your previous spouse and a place of responsibility for your circumstances. If you do not, you are likely going to come across as bitter, angry and distrusting rather than loving, compassionate and endearing.
A man, or woman, who knows what they have to offer and makes lemonade when life offers lemons, is an attractive catch indeed!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What are the most valuable lessons you've learned in life so far?

Love Tip: Catch yourself when you are assigning blame, and ask yourself, “How can I respond differently to this situation that will create a powerful result?”

Just Divorced—Ready to Date?

Hi Eve,
I am 57, have been divorced for several years, and have dated extensively in several longer-term relationships that did not work out. I am definitely at a point where I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship.

I have recently met a man who seems like a really great guy. However, he only separated from his wife lasst year and just got divorced in January. When he first contacted me, he told me that at this point he is just looking for someone to do things with. He explained that while he is certain he doesn't want to get back with his ex-wife, he still is working through the pain of his divorce.

We have gone out three times and had a great time. We enjoy the same activities and he talks about doing these things together in the future. He does not seem to be looking for anyone else. On the first date there was no touching, the second time he made friendly touching gestures and the third time he gave me a heartfelt hug at the end. I feel like I am more than just an activity partner.

My question is whether this looks like a relationship that could possibly develop into something long term. At what point should I ask him whether he sees any potential for a long-term relationship? Right now things feel very natural and good, but with my last relationship, things didn't progress and I waited far too long before I asked about his feelings. This current man has read my profile online so he knows that my goal is a committed partnership on all levels. Thanks for your insight.

Aloha,
My experience is that we need to believe what someone tells us in the beginning of the relationship. In this case, he has clearly told you that he is not ready for a committed relationship, he is just looking for a friendly companion, his divorce is relatively recent and he is clear that he has not healed from that experience yet. For you to anticipate that he is going to become ready for a long term relationship soon is probably an unrealistic expectation.
My point here is that he has already told you where he is at emotionally. What I am not sure of is that you have clearly told him where you are. Yes, you said in your profile that you wanted a long-term relationship, but it is not reasonable to assume that he is acceptant of those terms. After all, he clearly told you he wasn't interested in long term and you still went out with him, so he may be thinking that you are accepting of his terms.

What needs to happen is a heart to heart conversation letting him know what you want and seeing what he says. Before you do this, I highly recommend that you get really clear on what you want to do if he reiterates that he is not ready for a committed relationship. Are you still interested in doing things with him? What if he lets you know he is dating other people, will you continue seeing him? Are you going to date other people? What if the next date includes a kiss and the expectation for more physical intimacy starts to be a part of the companionship? Are you interested in being intimate with someone who has clearly told you that this is about “happily-right-now,” not necessarily about “happily-ever-after”? If you are absolutely sure that you are not interested in dating someone who isn't absolutely sure that the intention is a long-term relationship, then you may as well let him know that you really like him and wish that the timing was different, but that since it is not the case, you are not able to continue on the current course. Clearly, if the sequence of events continuously develops, it won't be long before you are in love with this guy and completely baffled when he remains committed to not being committed.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you believe (i.e. respect) what other people tell you about themselves?

Love Tip of the Week: Respect your own boundaries.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Eve,

I recently broke-up with my girlfriend of three years. The first two years I was the "other guy" until she got divorced. We never had a very open or public relationship due to work. I have had some jealousy issues in the past, but nothing like what has happened recently. About 3 months after my girlfriend's divorce she met a new male friend. She has spent at least a day a week with him for the past few months. She never wanted me to meet him or discussed what they did or talked about. They spent 8 - 10 hours a week alone together, but she claimed it was nothing more than friendship. I could not deal with this relationship. She thinks I was just jealous and I think she was not really committed or respectful of me. Was I wrong to call it off?

Hi,
I'm going to attempt to answer you, but please do keep in mind that I am only responding to what you have told me; I haven't heard her side of the story.

It sounds to me like you were justified to be concerned. I kind of have a personal "rule" that is "If you want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, let's both friends with the other person. " Keeping friendships a secret, or totally separate from your partner is definitely a "little red flag." Even if nothing is going on, it is disrespectful. I would also be concerned about her lack of willingness to talk to you about what the nature of her relationship with this guy is. The reality is that the way your relationship started adds to your lack of trust as you already know that she is capable of "cheating" on a partner. After waiting for her for two years, only to have her hang out with someone else, you certainly have a right to be upset.

The unfortunate reality is that we warn people about hooking up with married people, or recently divorced people, for a very good reason. Often, "the other man” (or woman) serves the role of helping her get out of her marriage, but the reality is that she hasn't taken the time to grieve the loss of her marriage, or learn new relationship skills, or discover who she is or what she wants aside from a partner. Committing fully to another relationship (with you) may not be wise, or even possible for her right now. Consequently, she may be relying on the same technique she used to get out of her marriage to get out of the relationship with you-another man.

Here is the big problem you face: If she did not have the relationship skills she needed to keep her marriage together and she didn't take any steps after her marriage to learn new skills, she is in no better of a position to make the relationship with you work. People often fail to realize that if you want something different, you have to DO something different. Just getting a different guy isn't usually sufficient.

So, were you wrong to call it off? I can't tell you for sure without talking with her, but it seems to me you certainly had valid concerns and good reasons to call it off. Should you get back together? Is she asking you too? Is she willing to do anything different? Is she willing to learn new skills? Are you? Going back will only yield the same results unless you both commit to doing something differently.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you learned?

Love Tip fo the Week: Trust your own knowing of what is okay with you and what is not. In your heart, you know whether or not you are doing the right thing.

Running Into Ex-Lovers...Are the Feelings Real?

ear Eve,
I'm going to visit my hometown for the first time in years for a wedding. I am sure that I will run into an old boyfriend from twenty years ago. (Now, we're both thirty-eight and married.) I am not sure whether I will still feel attracted to him, or what. It has been so long. I don't want to make my husband feel uncomfortable, or his wife for that matter, but I am looking forward to seeing him and would like to have the opportunity to catch up. Are there any tips you can give me to help me know how to handle this?

Aloha,
It is important for people to understand that real love does not go away. It may get blocked from flowing due to any number of circumstances, or it may be ignored, but love is always there. If you really once loved this man, there is a huge likelihood that you will feel love and fondness when you see him again. If you have other unfinished feelings from a past relationship, they may also emerge-sadness, grief, anger, or simply a need to understand that period of time in your life. If you don't realize this possibility in advance, it has the potential to take you by surprise and wreck havoc in your life, and his, and your marriages. Note that it isn't the love or the feelings that you experience that will wreck the havoc, it is what you decide to do with those feelings.

So, here are some really practical tips:
1) Honor the feelings without acting on them. Know that the part of you that loved this man is that part of you that still feels fondness for him, (and/or hurt or sadness). In other words, if you loved him as a teenager, your inner teenager will still feel the feelings-perhaps love, perhaps grief-but they are not necessarily the feelings of who you are today. That doesn't make them any less tangible, but it does make a huge difference over what you do with them. The love you may feel when you see him again is for an eighteen-year-old boy, from an eighteen-year-old girl. You are thirty-eight now and the emotions are not current. Knowing this will help you make wiser choices about how to manage the feelings.

I once saw an old boyfriend and expected to have feelings of anger over the way we broke up from fifteen years earlier. Instead when I saw him, I felt love and fondness. Rather than following those old feelings into a renewed relationship, I allowed those feelings to be validation that the relationship had been real, and valuable, even though it had ended in a way that made me question that over the years. Ultimately, the experience was very healing, causing old doubts and upsets to dissipate.

2) Respect the feelings of your spouse and his when you see each other. Include them in the conversation. Remember, that even though you may have been intimately involved with him then, it does not give you permission to touch him, or move close to him when you talk, or whisper to him, now. Just because you were lovers or sweethearts once and thus had permission to enter each other's personal space, that “permission” has been revoked by both time and marriage. It isn't okay to pick up where you left off. It is not respectful of him and his marriage and it isn't respectful of your spouse either.

3) Think before you share your feelings. Sharing your emotions with your ex or sharing your feelings with your spouse, before you take the time to process them and understand them, could be hurtful and confusing. Allow yourself the time to bring your emotions back into the present day and present reality before saying things you may regret.

Remember, when you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it is time to water your lawn.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you expecting?

Love Tip of the Week: Rather than wondering if you will still have feelings for an ex sweetheart, expect to have feelings. Prepare yourself for that likelihood and strategize to make the wisest decisions for all involved.

Should I Date a Single Mom?

Hi Eve,

I am a single guy that is in college and I recently started online dating. I showed interest in a woman on the site. She showed it back and we started a conversation via email.
I have emailed her every day since and she emails back. She has also initiated emails just asking how my day was and other friendly conversation. I have to admit that I am flattered that she has shown interest in those simple things.

The one draw back that I see is that she is a single mother.
I know that there can be complications because my sister is in the same situation. I'd like to think that the daughter of one that I am interested in is just a "little" version of her and that I should not worry, but I do worry. What if there was a long-term relationship, will her daughter like me or just get accustomed to me being around-or worse? I have read columns online and tell you the truth, I am still a little confused. There are a lot of viewpoints that range from just be patient to run as fast as you can away from this situation.

I guess I am asking for any advice. Any input will be greatly appreciated.

Aloha,
First, some questions for you: How old is the daughter? What is her relationship with her father like? And, how long have they been apart?

The answers to these questions make a big difference in whether she will like you, accept you, rebel against you-whether she will be a joy in your life or a burden.

Generically speaking, the more recent the break-up, the more challenging accepting someone new will be for the child and the younger the child, the more adaptable. Keep in mind, a child may be the miniature version of the dad rather than the mom, so you might want to know a little more about him, as well. The influence of the biological father can make a big difference. Is he angry, jealous, intruding, or supportive? Are you having to take on the role of father or of step-father (yes, the can be different roles).

Whether you should go forward or not depends on a lot of variable besides whether or not the woman has kids. There are lifestyle issues, discipline issues, financial issues, personality issues-all kinds of things to consider-including your personality, attitude and ability to respond appropriately to the situations that may arise. I know a lot of guys who have great relationships with their step-kids and I know kids who came into my counseling office at school and gave me their detailed (and effective) plan for breaking up their mom and step-dad's relationship, so I don't think you can follow generic advice on this.

I'm sure, especially since your sister is a single mom, that you can relate to how sad it would be if all men ruled all single mothers out of the dating options just because their previous relationship didn't work. No more love and no man in the household for the child because their parents couldn't figure out how to make the relationship work? That would truly be sad- and a problem for millions of people.

With that said, it is wise that you are thinking about what you want and don't want. Consider what kind of lifestyle and flexibility you want to have upon graduating from college. Consider where you are planning to live when your studies are over. Take some time to explore what kind of lifestyle you want and how soon. If you meet a woman you like and she has kids, take your time before getting serious-meet the kids, observe lifestyles, personalities, family dynamics, the influence of the ex, all of the things that will impact the situation and make your decision not on generic advice of the "experts" or other guys who may or may not have had any sense about them, but rather follow your own heart, intuition and wisdom.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you with kids?

Love Tip of the Week: Always remember that you play an important role in the results that you get.

Tired of Just "Being Friends"

Dear Eve,
I'm a fifty-year-old widow. I started dating again three years after my husband's passing. I'm dating a man that wants to be just friends-to get to know each other. He's never dated a widow before and says he doesn't want to take advantage of me. He has been married and divorced twice. After seven months, we have kissed only a few times. Even spending the night when I invited him to my bed, I kissed him and he said, “Good-night”.
Do I start to date other men or wait for his walls to drop?
Confused.

Hi,
If his walls didn't drop when you invited him into your bed, you might be waiting a very long time. When he says he doesn't want to “take advantage of you,” my guess is that is just an excuse to maintain a certain distance because, either he isn't attracted to you romantically, he has sexuality issues (whether physical or emotional) or there is some other issue (fear?) keeping him from going forward into a relationship.

The reality is that he has told you he "just wants to be friends" and he actually is only being your friend; he is doing exactly what he said he would do. What you see/hear is what you get.
What is confusing you isn't his behavior; it is your desire to be more than friends with a guy who isn't offering more than that.

What I didn't hear in your letter was how your friendship/relationship was other than in the bedroom. Are you compatible? Do you really enjoy his company? Do you want to be in a more committed relationship with him or were you just hoping for a more intimate relationship with him? Do you want to keep him as a friend in your life if it never goes any further in the bedroom? In other words, is this worth waiting for?

If you really like this guy, rather than just starting to date or waiting for his walls to drop, I'd talk to him about it. Seven months is plenty long enough to “get to know each other” and to have a sense of whether you want to take the relationship to another level. Let him know you appreciate his friendship, but that in addition to friendship, you want a romantic and intimate companion. Ask him if he is interested in that with you and then LISTEN to his answer. If he is still unsure or shares with you again that he just wants to be friends, honor what he is telling you!

One of the biggest mistakes people make is not listening to what people tell us in the beginning of a relationship. If he is saying he just wants to be friends, he is telling you the truth. If you try to make it more than that, he may go ahead move forward only to find himself dealing with the same issues he was dealing with before getting intimate. If he decides then that he was correct in the first place by just being friends, it will be much more difficult and painful to deal with.
I wish you the best.
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How long does it take to know whether you want to have an intimate relationship with someone? How long does it take to know that you want to have a committed, long-lasting relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Some things in life are worth waiting for, others are just a use of precious time. There are two ways to determine the difference. One is to have a conversation about it, and the second is to self-inquire. Ask yourself what is right for you. In both cases you need to listen, and honor what you hear.

Relationship Woes

Dear Eve,
In most parts of my life, I make wise decisions, am competent and have the respect of my peers. In relationships, I seem to have failed miserably for the last two decades.
Every relationship that I've been in for the last twenty years has been with women that are getting divorced. In almost every case, they tell me about how the marriage sucks, how they need a friend to share with-and that ends up being me. I respond as a friend and confidant and then we end up getting involved.

At the beginning, I can see that the situation is going to be difficult, but every woman has made me feel so unique and wonderful that I start thinking if I do the RIGHT things, we can make it work. I try to be perfect, to solve every problem. I bring great gifts, offer romantic adventures, encourage them to chase their dreams and I even fund the escape. Then, eventually, they escape me.

Tonight I am feeling it is more than a pattern it is a habit. I tend to take on fault or figure that if it doesn't go well, I must be the problem. and usually when things don't go well, the other person is all TOO happy to blame, so it backs up my sense that it is all my fault. I want a real, lasting relationship, but clearly I need skills to be good at relationships,

Aloha,
First, stop beating yourself up. The good news is that you are willing to look at yourself, your choices, and your behaviors to see what fits and what doesn't and make changes to break patterns. Your awareness that there may be something you can do differently is a huge plus in bringing about change. Remember to distinguish between "fault" and "responsibility." Looking for who was at fault is only looking backwards at something that cannot be changed. It is defeating. Taking responsibility, is looking at what you can do differently from this moment forward and is empowering. So, when taken from a place of responsibility, this can only lead to greater health and greater opportunities for love.

Second, start looking for what you have done right, not just what you have done "wrong." Look at the benefits of each relationship and what you have learned from each. Relationships are great teachers-and "happily ever after" isn't necessarily the point.

Keep in mind that when you pick women who are in the process of divorce, they have not had an opportunity to learn new skills. This is like taking a kid who failed math and putting him into a job that requires math skills without making sure he has learned the required skills in between. It is destined to failure, by its very nature. Combine their lack of skills with your need for approval (which, while well intentioned, is why you go to such extremes to help them in spite of your wisdom to do otherwise), and it causes a chemical reaction that doesn't work. You are good at being loving, giving, devoted, compassionate, and forgiving, but you are doing it from a place of need/ego, rather than from a place of source/spirit. While the behavior may be exactly the same, the energy is different. Ego pushes love away; spirit draws love in. When you do things for others so that they will like you, it comes from a need for approval and others feel it as "with strings attached" and it scares them. So, as you let go of your need for approval, you will begin showing up more authentically.

Without relationships (the good, bad and the ugly), you would not be able to master these essential life skills on your spiritual journey through life. On the other side of the work and the pain is a life in which you are aligned with your true self and you know Spirit only brings you the perfect situations to master the next level of your spiritual path.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you learned from your relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: Your beliefs are powerful. Switch what you believe to be true and you may find that what is true changes, too.