Competing with the Not So "Ex"...

Dear Eve,
About seven months ago I became involved with a woman. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. The first time he left she begged him to return and he eventually did, promising he'd be the perfect husband. Within a few months, he left a post-it note in the kitchen saying he was leaving again and took all his stuff. He ignored her calls and abandoned her completely.

I had met her about four months after he left. We dated until one day she told me she was in love with me. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. Since then, we have gotten engaged.

When her ex found out about me, he started calling obsessively and begging her to come back. He admitted to all of his infidelities and that he had been a horrible husband and swore that he had changed. She told me she felt guilty about not giving him another chance, and eventually, I got the email saying that she was going to give it another try with him. I am devastated and now she won't answer my calls or emails. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together. Now I don't know what to think or what to do. I'd appreciate your advice.

Aloha,
You must be heartbroken. I'm really sorry.
It sounds like she has a SEVERE need for approval which means that, until she clears this need, she will continuously recreate herself to be a victim of his (or someone else's) need for control. Until then, she is extremely likely to continue allowing other people to tell her what to do and how to do it.

The big things you are fighting are her history with him (even though it sounds awful) and time (seven months just isn't a very long time vs. a marriage), but the BIGGEST thing you (and she) are fighting is her fantasy dream of what she hoped her marriage would be. Even though the reality didn't match that at all, if she gives up now, she has to let go of her dream (of happily ever after, of not being divorced, of being loved and cherished until death do they part). Of course, rationally, it doesn't look like that dream stands a chance, but clearly this isn't rational. For her to wake up, she needs to realize that the dream of what she wanted the marriage to be is not the same thing as the actual marriage.

The big word of caution for you is that you came at the perfect time to help her through this difficult time in her marriage/divorce, but not at the perfect time to be in a relationship with her. She wasn't over him, she wasn't really ready to let go and move on, and she was still married to him. Most relationships-especially marriages-suffer a relapse like this filled with "what ifs" and "if onlys."

Divorces and separations often happen because there is a severe lack of skill on one or the other side, or both. When someone immediately moves into a new relationship, they haven't taken time to discover themselves again nor to learn new skills. Thus, they fall right back into the same pattern with someone new-or they go back to the old pattern with the old person. In order for something different to happen, they need to do something different or learn something different-just switching to a different person is not sufficient.

If/when she decides she has made a HUGE mistake and wants you back, I recommend that you insist that something DIFFERENT happens first-counseling, coaching or some sort of personal growth training-for both of you. Or, kindly, just say no.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you done to gain new skills in between relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: God sends us relationships for many more reasons than “happily ever after”. Sometimes they just serve as a great opportunity for personal growth. Investigate what your part in your life experience is, what you have learned, and how you are better from the experience.