What is Under the Mask?

As Halloween is approaching, people are trying to figure out which costumes to wear and which personalities to adopt in answer to the question, “What are you going to be for Halloween?”

Essentially, we are trying to figure out who we are going to pretend to be. Wouldn’t it be interesting though, to ask ourselves who we are already pretending to be? Are we pretending to be happy when we aren’t really? Are we pretending to be scared, or that we know it all, or that money isn’t an issue, or that it is? Are we pretending to be in love? Are we faking our satisfaction? Are we faking our dissatisfaction for the attention it brings? Maybe a better question than who are you going to pretend to be is ‘who are you when you stop pretending?’

Our authentic soul essence gets so covered up with masks and facades (the ego’s defense mechanisms) that we often totally lose sight of who we really are and what we really want. We adapt to what we think others want, we mold ourselves to try to get love, we play so many manipulative games with people to get our needs met that we completely lose touch with our true divine essence.

When you consider the qualities of someone with high self-esteem, they are very similar to small children: confident, risk-taking, adventurous, authentic, eager to learn, happy, loving, lovable…. Children are closely aligned with their esteemed self because they haven’t yet had life experiences that have separated their egos from their spirits. Small children know their divine essence. All they do is an authentic expression of who they are.

The good news is that these qualities never go away; they just get covered up. Our access to them just gets blocked.

Let me give you a graphic analogy. Imagine that “who you really are” is a glass full of sparkling, clear, pure, bubbly water—refreshing and delightful. Then, your life experiences and the people around you begin pouring dirty, grimy motor oil into your glass. Since oil floats on water, a mucky layer of oil forms on top of your beautiful, pure effervescence. Now when you look at yourself you see the oily muck instead of the clear, refreshing water, and you begin to believe that this mucky layer is who you are. Who you really are is still there, but your access to it is blocked.

Then, because you don’t like the way this oily muck looks or feels, you begin sprinkling glitter on top. You want other people to see the glitter instead of the muck because, hopefully, they won’t hurt you more by pointing out the muck. The glitter is the world of pretention and protection—smiling when you don’t mean it, perfection, superficiality, materialism, faking, anger, control, withdrawal, even substance abuse—there are a myriad masks that we wear.

The pure, bubbly water is covered up by the oil, which is covered up by the glitter. Who you really are (your soul essence) is covered up by who you think you are (your mucky thoughts and thought-generated feelings), which is covered up by who you want everyone else to think you are (the façade you present to the world for self-protection).

The irony here is that we think our glittery ego layer will protect us or make people like us more, and maybe even make us like ourselves more. So we all go around bumping into each other, glitter to glitter or muck to muck (that is, ego to ego). And while the glittery ego layer may sometimes protect us from feeling more pain, it also “protects” us from feeling more love. Our inauthentic connections with others leave us feeling isolated and lonely. In actuality, ego, in both its damaged, mucky form and its bandaged, glittery form, is what blocks our access to self-esteem—to heart, to truth, to connection, to intimacy, to love—every time.

So this Halloween, rather than contemplating new layers that you can add, see if you can peel some layers away. Perhaps you might have a “come as you really are party”…and meet your friends for the first time, as they reveal themselves.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: The question is not, “is the cup half empty or half full” the question is, “Do you know how to fill it back up?”

Love Tip of the Week: The secret to accessing your divine essence is awareness.

Don’t Seek Love, Be Love

So often when Valentine’s Day is approaching, we all start looking for signs of love outside of ourselves—chocolate, cards, phone calls, flowers, gifts or other sweet sentiments. The sad truth about that is even if there is love all around us, if we don’t love ourselves, we may not notice nor believe or trust what we see.

When we feel empty, we tend to suck the energy from others in a desperate attempt to be filled. The problem is that love from someone else cannot fill a void created by our own sense of lack. Love is an inside job and the cosmic irony is, in order to receive it, we have to already have it. So as Valentine’s week is upon us, I invite you to look at your relationship with yourself.

When I went to my very first personal growth workshop, taught by Jack Canfield over 20 years ago, he had us do an exercise that I will now pass on to you:

Close your eyes and imagine that you are looking into your own, mirrored image. Look deeply into your own eyes and say to yourself, “I love you and accept you just the way you are.” Watch for the reaction in your mirrored image. Pay attention to how you feel saying and receiving this message of self-love.

What was your reaction to this exercise? Did it feel good? Did it feel uncomfortable? Were you willing to try it?

When I did as Jack instructed, I was greatly surprised. My mirrored image rolled her eyes at me and said, “Yeah, sure you do,” very sarcastically. Until that moment, I was unaware that I had a self-esteem issue. For some of you, doing this exercise felt good. For others it was undoubtedly painful, as it was for me the first time. In either case, your feelings are a blessing. If this was painful, your gift is the knowledge that your self-esteem needs tending to, and you can now take great steps toward doing this.

Once I was given this gift of self-discovery, I embraced the opportunity to do everything in my power to turn that reality around. I began studying, practicing, and applying self-esteem-enhancing techniques and philosophies, and eventually began teaching them so that I could help others, as well. The gift of that uncomfortable and painful moment set me firmly on the path of my life’s purpose.

This Valentine’s Day, start doing the mirror exercise in a real mirror every morning and evening. Look into your own eyes, tell yourself what you like, love, admire, and appreciate about yourself and end with telling yourself that you love yourself. While this may sound really stupid to some of you, it is an amazingly powerful, yet simple thing to do. We are so accustomed to looking in mirrors at everything superficial—our clothes, hair, complexion, or weight—usually critical of what we see. But few of us ever look into our own eyes with love. Continue this every day until the criticism gets replaced, and kindness becomes habitual.

Low self-esteem is not an attractive trait. When you venture out to meet new people or create stronger relationships with those you already know, feeling good about your strengths always puts you in a more powerful position. If you don’t like yourself, your words and energy will leak this truth to the people you are trying to attract, and can actually push them away or will attract those who want to control and manipulate you. As you practice acknowledging your strengths in the mirror you will present yourself more positively to others, as well, and attract a healthier match.

Also, as you look into your own eyes, you will come to know another aspect of yourself, beyond the physical being you normally view in the mirror. As the saying goes, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” When we talk to other people, if they do not establish eye contact, we often think that something is wrong or that they are lying to us. We don’t feel connected. However, seldom do we ever establish this kind of soul connection with ourselves. This is where healthier relationships begin.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: What do you feel when you look into your own eyes?

Love Tip of the Week: This Valentine’s Day, give yourself the gift of self-love

What Are You Telling Yourself?

Recently I was giving a workshop and spoke the importance of changing our self-talk. Self-talk is the conversation we hold with ourselves on a continuous basis and usually, it is less than kind and flattering. My suggestion was that we become aware of what we are saying to ourselves and begin to change the conversation to one that is affirming and supportive. Rather than being continuously judgmental, I invited the group to focus on looking for their good qualities and consciously identifying what they do right and using self-talk to reinforce the good news.

Someone then asked me if words were really that important, after all, isn’t what you do more important than what you say? This is a bit akin to which comes first—the chicken or the egg?

For the most part, we tend to think that our words reflect the truth of what we have seen in our actions. We trip over something, so we tell ourselves we are clumsy. However, we then take that experience and turn it into a belief and repeat it in our self-talk. We tell ourselves over and over again that we are clumsy and over and over again we bump into things, proving ourselves right. The question is though, if we stopped reinforcing that belief, would it remain true? Could we change “reality” by changing what we think about it? What if instead we started telling ourselves when we bump into something, “It isn’t like me to be clumsy; I’m very careful.”

By reinforcing a more positive thought, and turning it into a belief, we are actually sending a message to our bodies to line up with our words. Our bodies work to obey our commands and our thoughts and beliefs send energy commands to our body to follow the orders. If we constantly tell ourselves that we’re careful, our actions are far more likely to line up with being careful than if we constantly tell ourselves the opposite. Remember, your body will work hard to prove you are right.

Let’s look at how this might work in relationships. We have a tendency to come to grand generalized conclusions from one or two isolated experiences. These conclusions then become beliefs that we wear like glasses, seeing the whole world through them. Someone cheats on us or lies to us and we decide all guys are cheaters and all girls are liars. Someone breaks our heart and we establish the belief that we aren’t worthy or capable of having a loving, lasting relationship.

Then, we see someone we want to introduce ourselves to and the old self-talk tape pops up loud and clear reminding us that we are incapable of having a lasting relationship. We tell ourselves how they are probably not trustworthy anyhow. We may even allow this tape to stop us from meeting the person and if we do meet them, we are always waiting for them to prove us right. We sabotage the relationship by constantly seeking the evidence, or creating it, that love is out of our reach. We allow our words, our thoughts, to impact our actions.

Here are some things you can do to experiment with your own self-talk:

1) Self-observe and notice what you are saying to yourself.

2) Turn your words and thoughts around to support what you want to be true instead of what you don’t want to be true.

3) Keep isolated experiences with a person isolated to that person. Prejudice begins with one experience with one person applied to all people of the same race or gender. Watch for your use of generalized words like “never,” “always,” “everyone” or “no one.” You will find these words seldom speak the truth.

4) Turn what you are saying around to reflect what you want. This is, in part, the basis for affirmations. It is not a form of “wishful thinking” but rather an effort to get your words and thoughts working for you instead of against. Catch yourself when you say, “This is to die for” or “I’m dying to” and turn it into “This is to live for…” or “I’m living to….” Catch yourself when you say, “I’m sick and tired of…” and turn your words into something that affirms your life and vitality instead of being sick and tired.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How would you see life differently if your self-talk told you how loved you are?

Love Tip of the Week: Imagine you are giving your body and psyche a command and choose your words and thoughts carefully.

The Golden Rule

Let’s take a look at the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule works well when a person knows the beauty of his or her own true authentic nature. When we truly know our spirit-selves, it seems ludicrous to allow anyone to mistreat or harm us, and equally insane to mistreat them.

The Golden Rule works great when we only allow people to treat us kindly, but I know an awful lot of people who allow themselves to be treated horribly, and I certainly would not want them doing the same “unto me.”

When we are not awakened to who we really are, or we mistakenly identify with our ego (and a wounded one at that) or we suffer from low self-esteem, we end up thinking we don’t deserve love. The flip side of not deserving love is the belief that we deserve pain and harm. When that is a core, often unconscious, belief, we allow others to treat us poorly. If we then pass that forward, doing unto others in a like manner, we have created havoc on Earth.

You may have heard of the concept that we attract a reflection of ourselves in relationships. While I believe this is true, I don’t believe that it is truly understood. Most of us misconstrue this to think that it is a literal reflection—if we attract a cheater, it means we are also a cheater. But in reality (and yes, this is a scary thought…) it actually means that our relationships are simply a reflection of how we treat ourselves.

Consider this: What if we hook up with people who verify what we believe about ourselves? What if we hook up with emotionally unavailable people because of a belief that no one will truly love us? What if we hook up with critical people because we judged ourselves? What if we hooked up with controlling people because it mirrored to us our own self-doubt? What if we hooked up with great people because of a belief in our own greatness?

Then consider this, can we change the relationship we are currently in by changing what we believe about ourselves? What would happen if you decided that you were deserving of love. I wonder if you might start seeing the evidence of the love that surrounds you, rather than the lack of it. One (or more) of three things would happen if you did some work on your own belief system and self-esteem:

One, you would start to see the evidence of what you have chosen to believe. Nothing outside of you would have to change at all, changing your inner belief would simultaneously change your perception of reality. When I feel like the world is out to do me good, I marvel at the serendipity of evidence that lines up to prove me right. On the flip side, when I am in a mood that believes the world is out to do me in, that in turn is the evidence I see.

Two, you would start to see the world outside of you change in response to the world inside of you. When I decided to be more loving toward my husband, he responded by being more loving to me. My inner change created an outer change.

Third, your new belief system may no longer allow you to stay in your outer situation. For example, when you really know that you deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness, an abusive situation is simply no longer an option.

So, if you are going to live by The Golden Rule, make sure you know that you are a magnificent being deserving of love, respect and kindness—as we all are. When you really hold that belief, look around again and see how differently the world looks.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: Is it our reality that dictates our beliefs or our beliefs that dictate our reality?

Love Tip of the Week: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Treat them the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated.

Is it Jealousy or Self-Esteem?

Dear Eve,

I could really use some sound advice in a relationship issue. I wish I could explain the kind of woman I have found, and I thank God for her every single day. She is amazing. We both have a wonderful relationship with the Lord, and we treat each other with respect and have agreed that we will get married one day. I want this, and am very thankful for it! However, I have a few "jealousy" issues I need some help with.

It’s silly, really. I don’t believe she would ever cheat on me now or in marriage. That is not the issue. She is a lovely girl. I mean, REALLY beautiful, in any man's eyes. She has long, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, a figure to die for and large breasts. I see men look at her all the time, up and down, and often stare at her chest. It bothers me so badly, to a point that it shouldn't. I have discussed this with her, because I try to be very open. Some of her shirts are kind of "tight" or when she leans over its incredibly noticable. But truthfully, they aren't THAT bad. She has trouble with fitting issues, and I feel for her. We have a few quarrels over it, nothing major. I just hate this. I know it comes with the territory, but I need to grow up I suppose.
I need some advice on how to change my outlook, and my way of thinking about this. Its crippling on the inside, and its not fair to her when it puts me in a terrible mood, which it has done quite a few times. Any advice would be.... awesome. Thank you so much in advance. I'm sure you are aware of the service you provide for people, and you will be greatly rewarded for it :-) God bless you.

Aloha,
Since you say that you trust her, the issue isn’t really trust. Since you have her (and the other guys don’t), the issue isn’t actually jealousy. The real issue here is a self-esteem issue. Notice what you think when you see people looking at her. My guess is that on some level you don’t feel deserving of such a wonderful woman and therefore are worried that someone better will take her away. When you plug into that feeling, you switch into an energy of lacking confidence and a need to control, which quite honestly is the very energy that will push your girlfriend away.

Since you clearly know what is wonderful about her, I invite you to spend some time looking at what is wonderful about you. Take an assessment of all of your good qualities, what you bring to the table and why, of all the men in the world, she has chosen you. This isn’t a means of building your ego or superficiality, but rather as a true recognition of your own worth. When you know you deserve to be with her, you will be able to rest in the presence of others who admire her. Rather than being possessive, you will be proud. This, my friend, is an inside job and a choice. Since you can’t change the way the rest of the world responds to your girlfriend, and you don’t want to change the way she looks, the only reasonable option her is to change the way you react when the situation comes up.

Recognize that your concern is based in fear. Underneath that fear, is what you love and want to protect. The problem is that when your reactions are based on your fear, you are only serving to push away the very thing you wish to protect. Instead, base your responses on honoring that which you love. Rather than being jealous, choose to be proud. Rather than criticizing your girlfriend while the rest of the world is complimenting her, choose to be her biggest fan—and your own.

Go to my blog (askeveadvice.com) and read the Five Essential Life Skills. Apply them to this situation and you will be able to turn this all around.
I wish you the best.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you deserve?

Love Tip of the Week: Every moment is a new opportunity to align your thoughts, words and actions with what you are trying to create.

The Mask of Anonymity

When I was a teenager, my brother and I had a few parties, but the Halloween party was truly the scariest, not so much in the typical Halloween sort of ways but in how people behaved when hidden behind the cloak of anonymity (or Dracula…). Friends who would normally never steal or vandalize, in costume and unrecognizable did exactly that. We awoke the morning after to find a huge mess, broken items and things missing from our home. The same reality happens each year here on Halloween, I have walked Front Street a hundred times and yet, only in the dark of Halloween night under the guise of mask and costume has anyone ever reached out to grab me inappropriately.

This raises an interesting question: Who are you behind the mask? Does anonymity bring out the best or the worst in you? Another interesting opportunity for self-inquiry, what masks do you choose to wear? Do you choose costumes that represent your shadowy dark side, or your more altruistic character? What part of your personality do you fuel on Halloween night?

Anonymity isn’t exclusive to costume parties though, take the Internet for instance. When we date or interact with others online, we wear the mask of a computer screen shielding us from being known. Only that which we choose to reveal can be seen. In many cases this anonymity has been the freedom people have sought in relationships for years, the opportunity to truly be themselves with full disclosure of the best and worst aspects of themselves. Many use the Internet as an opportunity to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and experience that catharsis. Others, however, use that same anonymity as the perfect opportunity to deceive, or twist and bend the truth into unrecognizable proportions. I’ve seen people say hurtful things via the Internet that they would never say to someone’s face. Somehow, not having to see the pain we inflict on another can bring out a sloppier level of care for the feelings of our fellow human beings.

And then there is the anonymity of what we do when no one is looking. Would you steal if you knew you wouldn’t get caught? Would you, or do you, cheat in your relationships? What do you do when your parents, your children, your spouse/partner, your boss or coworkers aren’t looking? Often, when our behavior is controlled by forces outside of ourselves we not only rebel against the powers that be when we get a chance, but ironically, we also unconsciously rebel against our authentic self in retaliation. When we lie, hurt, cheat or steal, we harm our own souls as well as other’s.

As you don your costumes this week, I invite you to look not only at the mask you wear for Halloween, but at the mask you wear all year long. How real are you? Who do you pretend to be? Take steps to align who you really are and how you want to show up in the world with how you do show up—even when no one is looking. Knowing our own spiritual values and having a strong self-governance can save a lot of heartache.

Perhaps it would be refreshing this Halloween, to show up to the party as your authentic self, maybe for the very first time. Take off the costume of drama, ego, need, and lack and put on the reality of compassion, honesty, abundance and freedom. Transcend the “trick,” and enjoy the “treat.”

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you when no one is looking?

Love Tip of the Week: Who you are when no one but you knows is the true test of character.

The Master Course

Halloween paints a skewed picture of death. I realized this when I was caring for my dying mother, taking her for walks through neighborhoods decorated with tombstones complete with skeletal hands emerging from the ground, bloody skulls, bodiless heads, dangling ghosts, mummies and monsters. At this time of year, haunted houses (and television) feature the fear and horror of death—a reflection of our fear of the unknown and our vast ability to imagine the worst. It was a horrifying sight to have juxtaposed over our impending loss.

My experience with dying friends and relatives though, is quite different. While accompanied with deep emotion and a sense of tragedy, death is a spiritual experience as magnificent as birth. It quickens an awakening of the soul, and a deeper knowledge of the soul’s existence—both for those dying and those who care for them. If life’s purpose is to discover this aspect of ourselves and transcend our ego’s need for approval and control, death is the master course. My mom’s need for approval was completely transcended when she found herself (due to A.L.S.) unable to move or speak. She discovered through the death process that love was not about doing and saying things to gain approval, it had to do with who she was and her own capacity to show love—something she could do without words or actions. My brother’s need for control is continuously transcended as his brain tumor worsens; he repeatedly discovers he really has no control. We are all just along for the ride, and while there are certainly things that we can do to “control” our lives and manifest our reality, if Spirit doesn’t want the same thing for us, Spirit wins. So, do we really have control? True approval and control are generated from an alignment with our authentic selves, our true essence—love, not from our efforts to gain approval and control.

I’d like to invite you to take a look at your relationship with the sick and dying. Many of us avoid visiting people who are ill for a myriad of reasons ranging from our own fear of death to the avoidance of dealing with our own grief to simply not knowing what to say. We couldn’t do a greater disservice to ourselves or to those we are avoiding. While those who are dying notice which of their friends disappear from their lives, even more importantly, our avoidance of death only compounds our inability to deal with it. One thing we are assured of in life is that we will, at some point, have to face death–both in ourselves and in our loved ones.

When I was a school counselor two students lost their mother to illness and, technically, it was my job to check on them. Unfortunately, at that time, my greatest fear in life was the thought of losing my own mother so the thought of talking to them brought up all of my own fears. I avoided them for several months not knowing what to say or how to help. Thank goodness Hospice sent Bereavement Coordinator Prakash Mackay over to train me in helping children deal with grief. He explained that adults avoid helping children with grief because they are afraid of dealing with their own. I was guilty and I knew it.

I invite you to embrace the opportunity to discover the beauty of death by spending time with friends and family who are ill. Don’t worry about what to say, just be with them. Hold their hands, rub their feet, be present. Simply show up for them while simultaneously being self-observant of the emotions that rise in you. Allow yourself to feel. This is called living. Avoiding that which you fear, whether it be death or emotion, doesn’t diminish either; it only stuffs it below the surface where it affects you unconsciously.

This Halloween season, see if you can celebrate ancestors, feel at one with the spirit world, befriend death as a spiritual awakening and leave the horror to Hollywood.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How is your relationship with the sick and dying?

Love Tip of the Week: Seldom has anyone regretted the time they spent caring for or visiting a loved one who was dying. Regret comes from not doing so.

I Answered My Own Question

Dear Eve,
I’m a twenty-seven-year-old female, happy and independent and have just recently discovered my relationship patterns. I am at that age and stage where I am watching all my friends get married and want to avoid succumbing to the pressure to get into any relationship, vs. finding the right partner, i.e. a healthy partner. I realize now that I have chosen people who were abusive, addicted, possessive and controlling and now, with the New Year, wish to do relationships differently. Any suggestions?

Funny enough, I wrote this question to send to you but before I sent it I was wondering what you were going to answer. The more I imagined what you were going to say, the more I realized that I already knew the answer. I answered my own question!

So here is what I came up with; what do you think?
I figured you would start by congratulating me on recognizing my own patterns and making the decision to do something different. You would also probably tell me that I can’t find a healthy partner until I am healthy myself and recognizing my patterns is a good first step in the direction of health. I could hear you saying, “People only treat you the way you allow them to…” so the realization that I will no longer accept abusive or controlling behavior in my life is also another strong step in the right direction.

You would also tell me that if I want to meet healthy people, I need to look in healthy places—in workshops or yoga classes, or for someone who shares similar hobbies and values as I do. For instance, if I don’t want to meet an alcoholic, I shouldn’t look to meet men in bars or at parties.

You might also point out that just because many of my friends are getting married that it doesn’t mean the timing is right for me. I am far better off on my own than I would be pushing the marriage issue with the wrong person. While I would welcome a partner and relationship in my life, I am also really happy on my own. In fact, if I put the law of attraction to work—and if it is the highest good of all involved—I just need to ask for what I want with clarity, confidence and gratitude. I know if I focus on all that I have, love and want, I am far more likely to attract the right person/people into my life than I will if I am focusing on lack, scarcity or fear.

By the time I was done thinking the answer through, I realized that I already had the answers to my questions and there really wasn’t a problem in the first place.
I just wanted to share this with you. Thanks for the “unneeded” advice!

Aloha,
Wow. I’ve never been so happy to be “unneeded!” As an educator, I write this column with the hopes that I am providing the readers with the skills and tools they need to help themselves and you just did it beautifully!

I absolutely love that you resolved your own problem. THAT IS THE GOAL! I often think that if people took the time to write a “Dear Eve” question and answer it themselves, they would see what they are doing that doesn’t work and find their own solutions.

Believe it or not, I have even written myself a couple of “Dear Eve” questions in my journal about things that were bothering me. Somehow, when I see the problem on paper and apply the principle of taking responsibility for what I am feeling, I know what I need to do to resolve the issue. Writing it down and answering the question as if you are giving advice to someone else is a great way to get a different perspective on your problems. We’ve all heard the saying “What would Jesus do?” or the variation, “What would Buddha do?” Ultimately, if we bother to ask the question, we discover we know the right answer.
I wish you the best on your journey of discovery!
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What would YOU do?

Love Tip of the Week: You know what you need to do or say to make a situation better with someone else. Ego is usually what stops you from doing it.

Get a Life

Dear Eve,

I have a self-esteem issue, but don't know what to do about it. I am a Junior in college and seem to be really depressed, but I just don't know how to lift myself up. My boyfriend of two years goes to another school about three hours from my school and we go a few months without seeing each other, which is hard for me. He goes out with his friends and has a great time; I have friends here but none that you would call true friends. They don't call me or come over when they say they will. I feel left out, lonely and like I'm losing him or that he is changing. I know that if we aren't meant to be together then we won't but I just don't know what to do about him or me. So if you think that you could help me I would really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
A girl that needs help

Aloha,
You bring up several issues in this brief letter: self-esteem, depression, a lack of close friendships, a sense of being left out and lonely, and managing a long distance relationship.
Ultimately, if you resolve your self-esteem issue, several of the other issues will get easier to manage as well or will disappear entirely. Self-esteem is much more than “just liking yourself.” Self-esteem is not ego-based, it is spirit based. By that I mean, when you peel away your ego, or your “small” personality, you'll meet your spirit. Your spirit, which you've often heard referred to as “who you really are,” knows the world as abundant, love as never ending and unlimited and you as a capable, strong, powerful, creative being rather than a scared, lonely, depressed one. As you work to discover this aspect of yourself, you will no longer need to fear if your boyfriend leaves you as you will have a deeper, stronger, greater trust in your spiritual life and know that you can handle whatever life delivers to you. You will come to deeply know that every “lesson” is designed specifically to help you peel away your ego so that you can reveal and revel in “who you really are.” Telling you how to do this here, is difficult due to the limits of time and space, but resources for self-discovery are in every bookstore and all over the Internet-including in my books and on my web site. Make this your most important assignment while you are going to school and the entire rest of your life will be better for it.
Now, let's look at your relationship. The fastest way to push this guy away is to give him a hard time for doing what you wish you were doing-enjoying life and having friends. If you want this relationship to stand a chance, you need to get friends, get involved and share your enthusiasm for your life with your boyfriend via the phone, email, letters and in your face-to-face visits. You are currently expecting your boyfriend to be your whole life and your only friend, which is too much to ask. If you want true friends, you need to be a true friend. Take responsibility for making your making your friendships stronger. Don't wait for them to show up for you; start by showing up for them. If all you are doing is sitting home alone waiting for an opportunity to see or talk to your boyfriend, you're going to become as uninteresting as you are bored-which isn't a great attractive quality, as you can imagine. Start a relationship with yourself, find out what lights you up and what makes you stronger, happier and more passionate-aside from other people. It will serve all of your relationships and your friendships to get engaged with life. Get involved. Be of service. This will also combat your sense of loneliness and depression, as well. I wish you the best.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Under your ego, who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When seeking that which makes you happy, turn your attention to what is permanent. Test it: Is this true? Is this real? Is this lasting? You will discover the only thing that falls in that category is your spiritual life-not things, people or money.

The Power of Self-Talk

Dear Eve,
What advice would you give if a young man sees an attractive woman and would like to get to know her better but believes the woman would not be interested in him or would not put much merit into his invitation?

Hi,
My advice is that you, respectfully, ask the woman out and see what the truth is, rather than what your imagination tells you. I say this because I have had men tell me (years later) that they liked me, but had been scared to say something to me, thinking I wouldn't like them. (While I sat around wondering why no one was asking me out, and why men didn't approach me at dances/clubs, etc.) It isn't fair to you, or the woman, to make a negative assumption about how she will respond.
Unless she has already made it VERY clear to you that she is not interested, let her know politely and respectfully that you are interested. You could simply say, "You seem like a really great person and I'd like to get to know you better..." and see what she says and does.
In reality, the worst case scenario is that she'll say no-and you are left without her in your personal life. However, you don't have her in your personal life now so, your situation would be no worse than before you asked!
Before you do though, you may want to do a few self-esteem enhancing exercises so that YOU know WHY she should want to go out with you. These exercises are not meant to develop your ego, but rather to assist you in recognizing your own good nature, your own good qualities-your true self.
1) Make a list of what you like, love admire and appreciate about yourself!
These never need to be said to anyone else, necessarily, but you will approach her more confidently if you have a strong sense of your good qualities in advance.
2) Look into a mirror, deeply into your own eyes and hold the look while you say to yourself the things from your list in exercise number 1. It is not possible for us to believe other people's compliments of us, if we have not first thought them-and said them to ourselves.
3) Become self-observant of your "self-talk." Self-talk is the babble you say to yourself inside your head. Self-talk can be positive, encouraging, supportive and constructive, or it can be negative, discouraging, and destructive-weakening us and stopping us from taking risks and showing the world our best self. As you pay attention to what you are telling yourself, begin replacing the automatic negative commentary and put downs with words that are more in alignment with your goals.
If you were going to a job interview it would be quite common for them to ask you questions about your strengths and skills and why you should be hired. If you don't know your own good qualities, you won't get the job. The same holds true in romance...if you want to get the girl, you have to "hire yourself" first!
Best of luck to you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: If you said to your friends the things that you say to yourself, would you still have friends?

Love Tip: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart." Words have an amazing ability to hurt or heal and the effects can last a lifetime. Be careful not to inflict wounds of the heart on others-or yourself.

How Can I Ensure My Daughter Has Healthy Self-Esteem?

Dear Eve,
I had really low self-esteem as a teenager, and still have a lot of self-doubt. As an adult, I now have a young daughter (2 years old) and I really don't want her to suffer the same thing. What can I do to ensure that she has a healthy self-image growing up?
Concerned

Aloha,
I admire that you recognize that this concern needs to be addressed now, while your daughter is still young. It can, of course, be addressed anytime, but creating healthy self-esteem is easier as prevention than cure. The older a person gets, the more they become responsible for changing their own self-esteem and the less you can "do it for them."
Young children (before they've been "contaminated" by negativity) have a natural state of self-esteem. They are enthusiastic, energetic, playful, creative, honest, imaginative and are natural curious learners. Our job as parents (and teachers, friends, family and community) is to maintain this esteemed state. Our job as individuals is to regain access to it in ourselves, as it never really goes away, it just gets covered up.
The challenge is that when our own self-esteem is low, it is difficult to enhance in others because children learn from what you do-your example. The best possible thing you can do for your daughter is to actively work on raising your own self-esteem and treat yourself with respect. The other thing you can do is to become very aware of the words that you use and the messages you give your daughter throughout the day, making sure you use language and the power of your words in a healthy, esteeming way.
There was a study done many years ago in Iowa in which two-year-olds were followed around for a day and the researchers counted the number of positive comments to negative. The results revealed that the average two-year-old receives 432 negative or controlling statements a day and only 32 positives. That is a ratio of 13 to 1. While everyone knows two-year-olds need constant monitoring, the ratio of positive comments should be two times that of the negative and controlling statements for creating a child with a positive self-image. This is known as the "sandwich theory" -sandwich your corrective words with encouraging comments.
Raising your own self-esteem begins in exactly the same way, becoming acutely aware of your "self-talk" and replacing or balancing the negative and critical comments you give yourself, with positive, encouraging statements.
Consider this, if you said to your friends the things you say to yourself, would you still have any friends?
We tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves, emotionally "beat ourselves up" with constant negative self-talk that results in low self-esteem, fear, unhealthy relationships, self-sabotage and depression. We have to take responsibility for turning that process around.
The first step is to "self-observe" so you become aware of what you are doing, saying and thinking. The second step is to make new choices about what you say, do and think so that your words, thoughts and actions are in alignment with your goal of creating healthy self-esteem. While there are many ways to raise self-esteem, these two simple steps are a huge step in the right direction.
Remember, self-esteem (or any personal growth) isn't achieved instantaneously and all at once. To even attempt that is overwhelming. All change takes place one moment at a time. Every moment is an opportunity to start fresh!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you love, like, admire and appreciate about yourself?

Love Tip: To raise self-esteem, treat the other person (or yourself) like a gold mine. In order to find a single nugget of gold, a miner must remove tons and tons of dirt and rock, but a miner never goes into the mine looking for the dirt! Look for the gold, look for the good, look for the God in others, and surely you will find it!

I Keep Choosing the Wrong Men

Dear Eve,
The only type of man I can attract are those that are a lot older than me. They treat me great until they get what they want. After that, they are rude, sarcastic, and put me down in public. The guy I have been dating recently has no ambition, no social life, no interests and no respect for my feelings. Why can't I meet a nice guy my age, who enjoys life and likes me for who I am? Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm working on losing it. I always look for what's inside a person not just looks. My self-esteem is way low. What can I do? You're advice would really help. Thanks,
At the End of My Rope

Aloha,
It sounds like you are, understandably, frustrated. The men you have been choosing are obviously not the right one's for you, but that isn't the real problem. The key to everything that you said is, "My self-esteem is way low." This is the first place you MUST start in turning your situation around. As long as your self-esteem is low you will find men who match your low self-image and what you think you deserve. Low self-esteem attracts low self-esteem. Remember, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. As long as your self-esteem is low, you will continue to respond to people and situations in a way that makes you lose your self-respect.
So, what to do about it?
The first step to raising your self-esteem is to set your intention (your goal) to raise your self-esteem and then become self-observant. Pay attention not to what other people say to you, but what you say to yourself when they stop talking. What does your self-talk say? Do you constantly put yourself down? Simply become aware. Is what you are saying to yourself in alignment with your goal of enhanced self-esteem?
Secondly, when you catch yourself having self-defeating thoughts, turn those negative statements around. You choose your thoughts, so be sure to choose thoughts that are in alignment with your goal.
Be sure to also catch yourself when you do something right and give yourself credit when due. So often we beat ourselves up mentally at the end of the day for all the things we didn't get done or for that half piece of cake we ate while dieting, instead of acknowledging all the things we did get accomplished and the other half piece of cake we didn't eat! Consequently, we reinforce the "I can't do it, I'm no good" belief system, which leaves us weaker and less able to do what we set out to do.
Self-observation will allow you to catch this negative downward spiral and turn the process around by replacing or balancing your negative self-talk with positive. Often, just the simple act of becoming aware triggers a new set of behaviors.
As you identify your good qualities, you values, your strengths and talents, you will be more inclined to make choices that are healthier. Make your self-esteem a priority and your choice in men will change, as well.
Raising your self-esteem will also require that you take action-stretch your personality, take some appropriate risks, do things that are good for you and move you in the direction of your goals, even if they are scary to do. One thing is for sure, if you keep doing the exact same things, you will keep getting the exact same results. Life is too precious to waste. Actively pursue the goal of raising your self-esteem and you will definitely benefit from the results.
I wish you the best!
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: How has your self-esteem influenced your choices?

Love Tip:
You are 100% responsible for the quality of your life-and your relationships. Take steps to align yourself with your Self-your true nature-your strong, capable, powerful self and you will create a strong, healthy and powerful life.

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