Giving the Present

If the Grinch (or our government) were to come take away our finances, our security, and our businesses, which took away our ribbons, boxes, cards, boxes and tags, would it also take our enthusiasm and joy away? Or would we be like all the Whos down in Whoville recognizing that the spirit of the Holy-day season is bigger than all of that?

We have a huge choice right now. We get to choose whether we want to honor fear or faith. Fear stands for “fantasized experiences appearing real.” What you fear isn’t happening to you now. (If it were, you wouldn’t be afraid anymore, you would be angry or sad or accepting…fear only exists when we contemplate the future.) So if fear is stopping you, realize that you are imagining the worst and are allowing your imagination to trip you up. If fear is stopping you from doing what it takes to love, you have some choices to make:

Are you going to honor fear or love?
Are you going to honor despair or hope?
Are you going to honor doubt or faith?
Are you going to honor stagnancy or growth?
Are you going to honor unhappiness or joy?
Are you going to honor deception or honesty?
Are you going to honor anger or compassion?
Are you going to honor resistance or acceptance?
Are you going to honor ego or spirit?
Are you going to honor complacency or commitment?
Are you going to honor resentment or forgiveness?
Are you going to honor your relationships as a spiritual journey?
Are you going to honor your authentic self?
The choice is yours.

Ego in the form of fear is the number-one thing that stops us from opening our hearts fully to another human being. Fear is what makes us afraid of change instead of excited about it. If you choose to honor fear, remember that fear will stay with you. It will stay in your life whether your partner does or not. It will stay in your life whether money does or not. If you want success, if you want to shake the fear loose, you are going to have to take some risks: the risk to love completely, the risk to forgive and to ask for forgiveness, the risk to accept your partner as he or she is, the risk to tell the truth, the risk to do the work. Make a conscious choice to honor that which is hiding behind your fear: love, faith, calm, peace!

Once you make the choice, you will benefit from some skills. Generally, we are extremely unpracticed and unskilled at bringing our attention back to the present moment. I invite you to utilize the Five Essential Life Skills: 1) Remember who your really are, 2) Self-Observe, 3) Let Go of that which you aren’t, 4) Realign with your authentic self and, 5) Choose your words, thoughts and actions in alignment with your goals. In this case, be self observant and notice when you are thinking about the past or the future and take a deep breath and bring your attention to the present moment. This is where peace exists. The present is where calm exists. The present is where acceptance exists. The present is where creativity and intuition exist. Compassion and forgiveness live in the present moment.

This holy-day season, offer your family or loved ones your undivided attention. Be present. Stress, fear, hurt, anger, and their related emotions are all forms of the ego and they not only block our ability to love and be loved, but also our ability to resolve problems and think/feel clearly. When we are truly able to be present the world of possibility opens to us. We are able to stay calm in the face of challenges. We become more creative problem solvers. Our loved ones feel our love more fully.
Don’t just believe me, try it. Even if just for one moment. You can always have fear and stress back if you decide you prefer it. But if for just one moment you can be present, you may choose the same for another moment. Then you will be well on your way to internal and eternal peace.
Happy Holy-Days!
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you choosing to honor?

Love Tip: The most valuable gift you can give your loved ones—and yourself—is the present

Staying Peaceful in Scary Times

Dear Eve,
I keep hearing about my friends getting laid off, or about businesses closing down. There have not been as many tourists on the island this year and everyone is feeling the crunch, Virtually everyone I talk to mentions the economy and shows just a bit of fear about what is happening not only in our country but all around the world. I am getting scared too and am wondering what I can do so that the fear doesn’t paralyze me?

Aloha,
I empathize as I have had quite of few of those conversations myself. These are, indeed, scary times and call for all of our skills to be put to use.

As you probably know, I am a great advocate of self-observation, which allows us to become self—aware. When we are aware of what we are doing and thinking and how it is causing us to feel, we have the opportunity to make new choices. Succumbing to the fear is a victimizing feeling and yet doing so is also a choice. If it is a choice, are we truly victims?

When we realize that our choices create our experience and that we have the option of making new choices, we become powerful. Even if our choice is a weak one—like succumbing to fear—when we realize that we have chosen this option we are able to take responsibility for what we are experiencing.

First, let me share with you what I do when I feel fear starting to rise in my own body. I observe and notice what I am feeling and practice self-inquiry. Since my thoughts are what are causing me to feel the fear, I ask myself, what am I thinking? What am I doing? What am I saying? What am I imagining?

Usually the things that are causing me fear are not actually happening yet. In fact, fear rarely exists in the present moment because it is, by definition, concern or apprehension over something that hasn’t happened yet. When the thing that we are afraid of actually does happen, fear is then replaced by anger or hurt. Fear mostly exists when we are looking to the future rather than being in the present moment. You have probably heard the acronym for F.E.A.R.—Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real.

So, when I am feeling fear, I ask myself, Is this happening to me now? And the answer is usually no. Consequently, I can calm myself down by reeling my mind back into the present. From the present moment I can strategize to protect myself from that which I am fearing. Even when bad things are happening in the moment, much of the fear is generated from fear that it will continue, fear that we won’t be able to manage it, fear of what it will do to those we love, fear over what the outcome will be…

I’ve said this in the column before but it merits repeating, the beauty of fear is that, if you look at the emotions underneath it, it will reveal to you that which you treasure and wish to protect. What “paralyzes’ us is when we approach something from the emotion of fear rather than from the more powerful place of love and protection. For instance, if I am afraid that the economy is going to crash completely and that I won’t be able to survive, I can easily paralyze myself. If instead, I look under that fear I will see that I treasure my life and I want to protect my lifestyle and my family. I am then able to approach the situation from the desire to love and protect, which is a far more powerful place to operate from.

When we switch from honoring the fear to what we want to protect, we are able to strategize and plan to accommodate for the changing circumstances. This requires taking action. “Paralysis” is the inability to move. Strategizing, planning and taking action will protect you from paralysis.

I wish you, and us all, the best in these changing times.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you imagining?

Love Tip of the Week: Be watchful of which emotions you “feed” by the thoughts that you think and the stories you continuously repeat. Manage your thoughts and you will better able to manage your fear.

Paralyzed—Is it Intuition or Fear?

Dear Eve,
Sometimes I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't tell whether I am being intuitive about things happening or just afraid of what the future might hold. Do you have any suggestions for handling my fear…or knowing when to trust it? I feel overwhelmed over things that haven't even happened. I don't know what to do. Thanks.

Aloha,
Fear and intuition are hard to tell apart. Both are gifts meant to protect us or something we cherish-for example, our lives, our families, our relationships. The only way I know to tell the two a part is to pay attention to what you are feeling and inquire whether it makes you feel stronger and more capable (intuition) or weakens you and makes you crazy (fear)? Does the image empower you as if meant to help you protect yourself, or does it paralyze and debilitate you with anxiety, jealousy, or rage? Intuition is generated from your spirit, your heart-your authentic self. Fear is generated from ego, from your personality. My experience is that intuition is proactive and purposeful. Intuition makes us wiser and stronger. It does not make us become unreasonable and judgmental nor make us want to inflict pain or harm others. Intuition offers us information to strengthen and protect ourselves or someone else. Intuition offers the truth and even if painful, the truth will make you more authentic and more capable.

One of the most empowering things you can do when these emotions begin to rise is to stay in the present moment. This has been said so many times by so many people in the “self-help” industry that it sounds cliché, but it is a really important skill to master. What does it really mean to remain present? When you begin to feel upset or agitated by an impending change or situation or the possibility of one, self-observe and notice whether you are thinking about the past or the future and then consciously pay attention to what is happening right at that moment. This requires practice. I'm sure as you begin to be aware of the time-zone in which most of your thoughts take place, you'll be shocked to find that 90% (if not more) of your thoughts are either about the past or the future. Fear seldom happens in real-time, because when we find what we feared really is happening, fear gets replaced with other emotions-i.e. anger and hurt,

Future thinking is where fear sneaks up on us. Since the unknown is so uncomfortable, we make up stories to fill in the blanks of our ignorance. We don't know whether the stories are true or not, but we start believing them and even making decisions based on these made-up stories. We compound our problems ten-fold when we make up stories about the pain we think we are going to feel. Our stories then cause us to panic. In fact, the anticipation of suffering is often worse than the suffering itself (and it lasts longer!).

When you start getting panicky about what might happen:
1. Notice how you are feeling.
2. Inquire about what you are thinking that is causing you to feel the way you do.
3. Determine whether your thoughts are truly accurate or not.
4. If not, let them go and choose new thoughts, thus, creating new feelings.

If, when you are inquiring-of yourself or others- about the truth of your fears, and you find that they are true, that the things you fear are happening, use that information to help you strategize a solution or means of minimizing the impact. The beauty of fear is that hiding just underneath it is something you cherish and want to protect. Use your fear to red flag what matters to you and then create a plan for protecting and nurturing it.
With aloha,
Eve
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Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you cherish?

Love Tip: Ironically, we tend to honor fear regardless of its base in truth and it often makes our lives more difficult, scary, and unmanageable while we tend not to honor intuition in spite of its truth, which could empower us, strengthen us and help us to avoid many difficult situations. Learn to tell the difference by paying attention to how you feel.

Divorce is Scarier than War

Greetings Eve,
I really enjoyed reading your article about fear. My biggest fear as I venture onto the super highway of online dating is rejection.

I have been separated for almost a year now after my ex-wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore after a twelve-year relationship. I always feared she would leave and then that day arrived. I have been in combat several times after a twenty-one year career in the Marines and, I must say, this is by far the hardest event I have ever had to endure. I would much rather be in combat. What makes it worse is that we have a beautiful three-year-old daughter who I also fear will separate from me.

More than anything, I want to open my heart to someone special and fall in love like I felt when I met my ex-wife. I do not fear opening my heart just the path getting to that point.


Aloha,
Your statement of preferring to be in combat over going through a divorce was heart wrenching. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Remember that underneath fear is what you cherish and want to protect. So, if what you fear is rejection, it reveals that you value being loved, and accepted. If you approach dating and relationships as if you are open to loving and being loved, you will approach it very differently than if you approach it from fear of rejection. I am sure there is a combat analogy here, even though I've never been in combat. I imagine that if you face a battle allowing your fear to be your overwhelming emotion, that you are far less effective at doing your job and perhaps even in a more dangerous position than if you allow your overwhelming emotion to be a desire to stay alive, safe and careful. It is the same goal, just a different approach.

If you spent a good part of twelve years of marriage living in fear that your wife would leave you, it is possible that the energy you emanated and the comments that you may have made based in your fear, could have actually contributed to your wife's decision to leave. Had you focused the same amount of time and energy on loving and appreciating your spouse and family, you may have been able to turn the tables. This isn't to imply this is "all your fault," rather it is simply to point out that we are very powerful beings. Fear is a form of visualization and visualization is a powerful tool for manifestation. It is important that we visualize what we want to happen, rather than what we are afraid of happening.

As for your fear of losing your daughter, be careful not to recreate the same dynamic that happened with your ex-wife. As your daughter gets older, be sure to make your love for her the driving motivation of your actions, rather than your fear of losing her. When people are motivated by their fear of losing someone, they tend to turn into "energy vampires." Energy vampires give off an air of trying to get something from us, rather than give something to us-which is repelling rather than attracting. Give your love to your daughter rather than trying to get love from her, and she will feel the difference.

Now that you have survived losing what you most cherished, allow that to strengthen you so that you are not as fearful going into the next round, whether in an attempt to rekindle things with your ex or with someone new. Online dating is a “great” way to get over being “rejected” because so many people don't respond to the emails sent to them that you begin to realize that the ”rejection” isn't necessarily about you at all. They may not have been interested for a million reasons, including never getting your email. If you take that same recognition into the face-to-face world, you will realize that you can't take what other people do personally. If they aren't interested; move on to someone who is.
Good luck and thanks for all you have done to protect our country.
Much aloha
Eve


Intellectual Foreplay Question: How are you different when you shift your focus from fear to love?

Love Tip: Falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is the part that requires skill.

Fear of Success

Dear Eve,
I am a woman and a successful entrepreneur- up to a point. It seems like every time I reach a certain level of success, something happens to stop it in its tracks. I feel like I have a voice in my head that doubts that I can truly be successful-especially as a woman. “It” says things like, “I wonder how long until this falls through” or “I have to be as tough as a man to do this work.” Even though I don't think I am overtly interfering with my success, things usually do fall through just before reaching completion. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to achieve a higher level of success and how I can get my thoughts to more adequately reflect my desires? Should I use affirmations?

Aloha,
There are several items to explore here: 1- your self-talk, 2- the reasons you are self-sabotaging and how to stop, 3-the usefulness of affirmations and 4- maintaining your femininity and your power at the same time.

Self-talk is the babble that goes on inside of everyone's head. Unfortunately, unless we are well trained, our self-talk is seldom nurturing and nourishing of our well-being and success. Instead it typically shows up as putdowns and self-doubt. A lot of people think they need to stop the flow of negativity that plays like a tape in their heads, but I don't think stopping the voice from expression is the key nor in most cases even possible. Instead, we need to learn to identify the “voice” and distinguish it from our intuition, learn from it and determine whether we want to honor it or not. By becoming aware of when we are “running a tape” that undermines our success, we can then make a choice-to let the tape dictate our lives, or to honor our success by replacing the voice with thoughts that are supportive of our well-being.

Becoming self-observant allows us to become aware which allows us to make choices which makes us powerful to change our circumstances. If we do not take these empowering steps, we become “victims” of our own thinking. Our thoughts actually covertly sabotage our overt efforts to be successful (or in relationship, or artistic, or healthy,…). It is helpful to understand that this self-sabotaging dialog is really trying to protect us from something, or trying to reveal to us something that we value, but we are unskilled at recognizing the message. If you ask yourself why you don't want to be successful, you will likely discover what it is that you are trying to protect by unconsciously sabotaging your success. Your answer might sound something like, “To be successful I will have to be hard and cold. If I'm wealthy, I could lose my friends and family through jealousy and because my time priorities will shift…) The theme being revealed is “I care about my relationships and my “softer side.”

By becoming aware of what you truly and deeply value you can then continue on your path toward success, but do so incorporating strategies to keep your priorities straight and to honor your relationships with friends and family in the process. Without awareness, either your fears will come true or your success will be sabotaged. Awareness will serve your goals and your relationships.

Affirmations can be useful to you as replacements for negative self-talk. Write some powerful affirmations that honor your femininity, relationships and success and repeat them when you become aware of your negative thoughts. For example, “I am powerful, wise and authentic as a woman in business. I honor my relationships with family and friends while simultaneously supporting my success. Money doesn't have the power to change my priorities; money will support my priorities.”

I encourage you also to journal about what it means to you to be feminine, and what it means to you to be successful. See if you can find the overlap and find ways to integrate the two. You may even want to create a collage of words and images that represent what it means to you to be strong, powerful, successful and a woman and use the collage as a visual affirmation of what you are creating.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What are you afraid of?

Love Tip: Underneath your fears you will find what you hold dear. That is the beauty of fear. Let it teach you about what you want to protect