Why Do The Work?

Dear Eve,
I read your column weekly and I really like what you have to say, however, it seems like so much work to constantly be self-aware and careful about our words, thoughts and actions. I see the value for keeping relationships functional, but there are times when I just want everyone to grow up and deal with it. Why should I be the one to do all the work in relationships?


Aloha,
First of all, relationships are indeed a lot of work, but as you have probably heard me say before, the work is not on the relationship; it is on yourself. While the bad news about that is that that means you have to do the work to take responsibility for your part as the primary ingredient in every relationship you are in, the good news is that this empowers you.

When you stop trying to change the rest of the world and all the people in it and only focus on your own personal and spiritual journey, you are free. Any other way makes you a victim. Even your desire for them to all “grow up and deal with it” disempowers you simply because they won’t or don’t or can’t. You create suffering for yourself when you hold an expectation of others that they will not meet. Consequently, if you let go of your expectation (i.e. ego need for control) and focus instead on strategizing to respond to the rest of the world in a way that is more likely to lead to your goals, you will be much happier and powerful over your life experience.

You can, of course, always just let them “deal with it”, (“it” being you) but remember that this choice will bring a set of consequences that may make your life miserable. People just “deal with it” in a variety of frightening ways and consequently, you will then just have to deal with their behavior, too.

Here is another thing to consider: All this work to transcend your ego, learn to work with/love others, discover your true inner source of joy and empower yourself serves you no matter what the results are for your relationships. It is truly my belief that our human experience is designed for us to master this process of being authentic and taking responsibility for our own joy and happiness. I believe we are here on a soul level to figure this out.

However, if that is too airy-fairy for you or too spiritual, simply consider that all this personal work is preparation. Afterlife (or next life) aside, consider it preparation for when you are old, or sick, or in an accident, or grieving, or poverty stricken or lovelorn. When everything is going well, these skills are not so critical (nor is your relationship with God, perhaps) but when life takes those incredibly challenging turns that is when we find out how valuable life as a training ground has been. That is when you will wish you had been practicing all along. That is when our skill is put to the test.

For instance, my family was originally a family of six—mom, dad, two brothers and two sisters. My dad who is now eighty, has had to endure the loss of one son who went sailing around the world and got lost at sea, his other son who died recently of a brain tumor and his wife of fifty five years to ALS. I, too, have had to deal with these losses.

As I watch my father now, he continues to teach me. I realize that all the years of meditation, studying spiritual truths, and every effort to be a good, honest, respectful, compassionate man did not stop him from experiencing these losses, but did provide him with skills and tools for dealing with them. In the midst of absolute despair, he knows where to find strength and it is not from anything outside of him—things that disappear, or change—but on that which is always there, constant, unwavering.

I promise, the work to transcend your ego and align with the truth of who you are will serve you over time—as well as those you are in relationship with.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: What are you really here for?

Love Tip of the Week: The choice to honor ego and fear will only cause you pain. The choice to honor your authentic self rather than your ego self will continuously serve you.