No Baggage...No Woman...What Gives?

Dear Eve,
I am 37, divorcing in about two weeks, and totally ready to move on along this glorious journey called "life"! I am upbeat, positive, confident, intellectual, forthright, honest, and not addicted to beer, drugs, or sports. I have no kids, and no "baggage." I have a good job and endless possibilities in my future. The problem seems to be that women appreciate that from afar, but will only get but so close—then they run off with some derelict with no job, no mind, and no hope, or accuse me of things I am not doing, just because "all guys are like ‘that.’" Am I just swimming in a "pool of fools", or is there something that I'm doing wrong?
Thanks in advance,
Confused

Aloha Confused,
If you are as wonderful as you say, then I can only assume that one of the biggest challenges you face currently is that you are still married and at minimum, a woman encountering you right now might fear that you are “on the rebound” and not emotionally or physically truly available. She might also fear that you seem to take divorce lightly with your “quick to move on attitude” which translates roughly to “Oh well, no biggie...” (An unfair assessment with so little information, I know.)

One of the ultimate challenges to answering questions like “Am I doing something wrong?” is that it could be something as simple as needing to brush your teeth or as complex as needing to be truly available before anyone you date will be available to you. There is no way I can assess the details without talking with you more.

I suggest you take a careful self-assessment that goes beyond the wonderful qualities that you have listed. Is there anything that you are doing that puts you in a category of “all the other guys”? You might even want to ask a female friend for her honest assessment of what she sees that might be pushing women away. In fact, what is your wife saying? While most of us want to make our spouse wrong as we go through a divorce, it is possible that she has some valid information that could serve you if you are willing to listen and consider it as the truth of someone else’s observation.

To say you have “no baggage” in the same breath as saying you are getting divorced in two weeks makes me want to ask a whole bunch of questions about why you are getting divorced and how you feel about it. I’d also ask, how long you have been assessing women’s interest in you—as a married man?

In the Book of Common Sense (which I just made up!), it would be unwise for a woman to get closer than just “so close” to a guy who is still married. If by saying that they “will only get so close” you really mean that they won’t have sex with you, you need to ask yourself what you are actually offering them. You are a married man and as such you are likely not looking for a long-term committed relationship or offer monogamy. You probably can’t receive phone calls when you are at home, or spend the night after being intimate or go on vacation. You are probably not able to acknowledge a lover’s role in your life nor able to show affection publicly. Let’s be honest here: you are not ready to go beyond just “so close” yourself. From my vantage point it would appear they are trying to avoid being foolish—and fooled.

It could also be the type of woman that you are attracted to or the type of woman who is willing to date you while you are married that poses your problem. So, ask yourself what attracts you to a woman and see if you are unconsciously choosing women who are all of a certain type. It may indeed be that you need to swim in a different pond, but if you don’t honestly assess yourself first, your challenges will surely follow you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you being fair in your expectations of others?


Love Tip of the Week: When trying to figure out what is going wrong, always look first to your own choices. New choices will undoubtedly yield different results.