Too Soon to Know?

Dear Eve,
I’m twenty-three and my (ex) girlfriend is twenty-one. We have been dating for five months. Everything seemed so perfect with us and like—after some bad relationships—we both finally found someone to feel comfortable with. I thought things were going good, but in April she broke up with me. She said that she fell out of love and couldn’t see herself marrying me. She said there were “quirks” about me that bothered her—minor and stupid ones that you learn to accept in a person, just like I accepted her quirks. A few days later, we got back together. She seemed excited and like everything was going to be okay. That was the last day I saw the best of her. She started acting different again a few days later. We talked and she told me again that she couldn't see herself marrying me. How can you define your future on us in just five months of dating? She didn't even give us a chance. She said she was excited about us!

My problem now is that she is emailing me, telling me what she is doing, and telling me to call her. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Why is she telling me her every move? Does she just want attention? I don’t want to call her because she has broken up with me twice. I’m not trying to be stubborn; I’m trying to be rational. I don't want to put myself on the line to get hurt again. Why should I be the one to make the effort to contact her? Should I call her or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own even though she thinks that it’s my turn to talk to her?
Please help. Thanks.

Aloha,
One of the funny things about relationships is that people almost always tell us what isn’t working (or what won’t eventually work) early in the relationship—but we don’t want to hear it so we try to keep the relationship anyhow. Later, it always comes back to haunt us. Your girlfriend is telling you clearly that she can’t imagine marrying you or staying in a long-term relationship with you. Listen carefully!

The mixed messages that you are hearing from her are likely that she cares for you, considers you a friend, misses the closeness, is concerned about you, and wants to be there for you if you need a friend. She wants to be in love with you (which is why she got back together with you), but she isn’t in love with you. She might have been telling you where she was every day, because for the last five months that is what she did. It becomes almost habitual to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend where you are, what you are doing, and check in on them, and when that relationship is over, it is kind of hard to break that habit. I understand wanting to read more into it, but I don’t think there is more to it.

I know that it is very difficult to let go of a relationship, especially when it seemed great. However, count your blessings that she is telling you now. It would be a way bigger bummer if you continued on for a year or two, or got married, only for her to then realize how she was—or wasn’t— feeling.

As for the “we only dated five months…she didn’t give it a chance…” thought, the reality is that a week of dating could have been sufficient to know that you don’t want to marry someone. One night of dating could even be sufficient. It takes way longer to figure out who you do want to marry than it does to figure out who you don’t. Five months is a definite “chance.”

As for calling her, I agree with you, the ball is in her court. Even if she does call, please be careful not to misinterpret her need for attention, for her need for you. Ask her what her intentions are and let her know if her goals and yours are not the same.

I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you hear yourself saying about your ability to love?

Love Tip of the Week: Listen to—and believe—what people tell you about their ability to love. They almost always tell us, or show us signs that in hindsight are obvious.