Is she really gone?

Dear Eve,

My girlfriend and I had been dating for two years. She talked about marriage and kids and how much she loved me and couldn’t be with anyone else. Then we both went away to college, I on another island and she on the mainland. She began college straight away and sent me card saying how much she loved me and how being away from me made her realize how much she wanted to be with me.
I continued to get calls and emails however I started to get a weird feeling that something was changing. Then, my sister called me and told me my girlfriend had changed her relationship status on Facebook.com from “in a relationship” to “nothing.” I started to get really concerned at this point however she sent me another email telling me she only is thinking of me. I was very confused, so I called her up and confronted her and she started crying. To cut a long story short, she confessed to cheating on me and broke up with me. At first she sounded like she would want to get back together when she got back, but I kept calling her asking for answers and she seemed to push further away and almost act cruel towards me. She wrote me an email saying she knows she is making the wrong choice but she needs her freedom. She says if she commits to me now, she will feel trapped and resentful and will likely hurt me again. She still talks about getting married someday, but can’t be faithful now.
Why is she acting cruel? Why hasn’t she taken any down time after are split? Do you think we have a chance together or do you think she has really moved on?
Thanks.

Aloha,
I’m sorry you are going through such a painful time. Here is my take on the situation: she is being cruel because she told you, clearly and lovingly, what she needed and you didn’t want to accept that. She said she needed freedom even though it was the wrong choice and you pushed her to make a different decision. She told you she knew if she committed to you that she would feel trapped and hurt you again, but you didn’t want to accept that answer. Ultimately, she is being cruel to push you away so that you will accept the very same decision that she already told you about in a less cruel way.
My best guess is that she hasn’t taken any down time because it hurts. Down time leaves room for feeling guilty and lonely and even though it is a healthy choice to work through those emotions, it isn’t any fun. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t upset about losing you and hurting you, but in her mind this time of her life is rare and she wants to take advantage of it. Believe me, the first time she gets hurt by someone, she will start to feel the loss and mourn her choices.
Even though you are a good guy and have been a great person in her life, she is at a time in her development where needs to discover who she is, what she really wants and make her own decisions, right or wrong. The good news is that she is taking the time to do this BEFORE she gets married and has children. So many people experience this melt down well after they are married and the consequences are far more devastating.
You will have to wait until she returns to see whether she has really moved on or not. In the meantime, do your best not appear desperate, needy or controlling of her (that will turn her off) and to the best of your ability respect what she is telling you she needs right now. Take this as your opportunity to explore, date, travel or do whatever you need to do to give yourself the same opportunity for growth and personal development so that when she comes back, you are an even more interesting person, who has allowed himself to grow and not be held back.
With aloha,
Eve

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