Is He The One?

Aloha Eve,

I am a huge fan of your column "With Aloha" and read it every week. I was in a relationship for over two years with a man whom I love very much. I broke up with him because of his anger issues and I was never 100% sure he was the "right one" for me. Recently, we have been trying to work things out. I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for.

My questions are the following:
Do you ever really, truly know when a person is the "one"?
What are the most important values / beliefs that are "deal breakers" in relationships?
Anger issues are manifestations of fear or something else?

I know you do private coaching and would love to meet with you. Just reading your website and blog has helped me a lot!

Mahalo for the work you do!

Aloha,
First, thank you. I am glad if my web site, blog and column are useful to you.
In my experience, you may never know for sure if another person is the "one" you are going to spend your life with or the one who a relationship will work with until you actually do it, but you DO KNOW when he/she is the one YOU are willing to do YOUR BEST with, the one you want to explore the possibilities with—regardless of the outcome. You know when you are willing to accept a person as they are, and you know when their issues are manageable and when they are not. You know when a person is someone who is a complement to your values/goals and lifestyle and when they are not. You may not know 100% that he is the right one, but if you have serious doubts about it, honor your doubts, because my guess is that you do know when he is not the right one. Usually we know, we just don’t want to accept it.

Marriage/relationships are hard enough even when you are sure you want to go the distance with someone. When you aren't sure, your own lack of commitment and clarity will impact your success.

You said, "I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for." This is a clear statement that the current relationship is not what you want—and that he will have to change in order for you to be happy. As we all know, getting other people to change is extremely difficult, if not impossible. Does HE WANT to change? Does he see his behavior as a problem? As long as you are the one pushing the change, it will come off like you are trying to control him and will ultimately give him more to be angry about.

Pay attention to what you actually love about him currently versus what you hope you will be able to love once things are “fixed.” It is very easy for us to get caught up in our dream of a happy, healthy relationship while the reality is far from that. It is also easy to want the buzz that comes from attraction and mistake that for something deeper and more lasting.

As for which values and beliefs are deal breakers for you I cannot say because mine may be different than yours. For some, religion is a deal breaker, for others, where someone wants to live, the desire to have children, gambling, violence, anger, or drug and alcohol abuse are deal breakers. Assess your own values and determine what your own "non-negotiables" are. What are you willing to accept and live with...and what are you not?

Anger issues can be a huge concern. An angry husband/father can easily turn into an abusive husband/father, so CHOOSE CAREFULLY. Underneath anger is hurt, and under that is fear and then responsibility so if he wants to dig a little deeper to resolve his anger that would be a good place to start.

With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: Are you holding onto anger?

Love Tip of the Week: Assessing whether the other person is able to change is not as valuable as assessing whether you are skilled enough and willing to handle the relationship if they do not.