Dear Eve,My girlfriend and I were happily dating for two years. I didn't tell her that I loved her, but I showed her constantly. Then she lost her job, moved in with me for a few months to save money and then went to live with her sister in Florida, which I helped her do. We have since been having a long distance relationship. We talk on the phone once a week and I intended to marry her when my finances are stronger. Now she tells me she had an intimate encounter with someone else and I'm devastated. She says she loves me, she'll never do it again, and she wants to be my wife, but I keep thinking “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I can't understand why she did this, I have been so good to her. Help me, please.
Aloha,
Please know that what I am about to say is going to make it sound like you are the one who has to make all the changes. I am a firm believer that we are only able to control ourselves, not other people. If I told you that your girlfriend had to change something, you would be rendered powerless, because her behavior is out of your control. When you take responsibility for your situation, you will be empowered to make changes.
The first thing that struck me was that your girlfriend was undoubtedly starving to hear how you felt about her. Even though you showed her, you wouldn't tell her. Some people have to hear it to believe it.
The other consideration is that you let her go-you even helped her pack, when what she wanted was “for better for worse,” “for richer for poorer.” Even if it was more logical for her to be at her sister's, letting her go without any attempt to keep her with you undoubtedly caused her to question how serious you were about the relationship. She probably wanted to hear that you couldn't stand the thought of her moving so far away-especially since she was living with you.
Then, my friend, you only called once a week. When in long distance relationships, in order to help the other person feel connected (and loyal) across the miles-you need to increase your verbal contact, not decrease it. With phone cards available at three cents a minute, you could talk to her for ten minutes a day and still keep your long distance phone bill under $10 a month. She needed to know that you were really in love with her and even though you felt like you were showing her, the message wasn't getting through. You, my friend, need to start communicating in the language your girlfriend understands- audio.
Now, as far as her having an affair-yes, this is a bummer. Yes, she shouldn't have done it and I am not trying to excuse that. However, she came clean, told you the truth and has vowed not to have it happen again. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliché is just your ego's way of justifying it's stance. There is no reason to think that she will do this again. She told you because she wants honesty, trust-and change-between you.
The only thing that has been hurt here is your ego. (And yes, that is painful!) But, you didn't lose your girl. You didn't lose your love for each other. You didn't lose anything. Other than scaring your ego, nothing else happened to you.
With that knowledge, you have a choice-to honor fear and pride, or honor love and trust. If you choose to honor fear and ego, you are also choosing to honor being alone because, even if you stay together, this choice will lead you to continuously question her, throw this mistake in her face, make her feel unloved and unlovable. Unless she is a glutton for punishment, this choice will cause you to lose your lady. Your girlfriend flagged a huge problem in your relationship- stagnancy. Now, you have a second chance to make it better, to let her know that she is loved-and let her show you how much she loves you too.
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question: Which do you choose to honor in your life-love and trust, or fear, hurt and drama?
Love Tip: Whenever you feel pain over a partner's actions, take a deep breath and move from ego to soul. Your soul is not concerned about ego issues and can offer you great strength when letting go, problem solving and moving on.
5 comments:
i recently purchased 'how to love your marriage' and have been completely inspired by the strength to keep a marriage going. I decided my relationship, or mostly myself needed to be strengthened after I came clean to my fiance that a over a year ago I had lied when I told him I was not having a sexual relationship with someone else while we were dating. The trust thing is like you have mentioned, a fear of his because he still continues to persist on my cheating ways. I wanted him to be angry with me, and instead he wanted to stay with me. However, I see his difficulty accepting my outgoing, flirty and questionable ways. Much of this may have started with due to our open relationship. We have both had threesomes while we were present and he also has had an encounter with another male without telling me(although after finding out it did not bother me that he did it without telling me probably because it helped me justify what I have done). Being that we have had a 'swinging' interest in our relationship and tried to set boundaries, he still insists on 'once a cheater always a cheater' but still stays with me and I don't know how many boudaries I can give myself. What do you think?
ps- since realizing these issues within myself I have been speaking to someone professionally, but am still having a hard time moving foward...with a lot of things...AND the wedding is just a few weeks away
Hi,
I'm glad you are enjoying How to Love Your Marriage. And yes, keeping a marriage together requires strength, it always helps if you make a wise choice to start with. After reading your message I am inspired to ask, are you sure you and your fiance are ready to get married?
Marriage is challenging enough when you start it full of love and trust, but when you start a marriage lying and mistrusting each other it makes it really, really difficult.
Swinging is a choice couples have, but it seldom works for keeping a relationship together if it causes jealousy and fear. Swinging requires an egoless maturity or it will, guaranteed, divide you.
Let me ask you this, did you choose to tell your fiance about your extracurricular activities because you WANTED to have him break up with you? If that is what you were really hoping for, because you know this isn't what you really want to do or are really ready to do, then don't try to get him to do the breaking up. Be honest with yourself and with him, and tell the truth. It is way better to postpone the wedding (or cancel it if need be) than to go through with it when you KNOW it is not the right choice or when you know that there are still some issues—or "a lot" of issues—that need to be worked out.
I wish you the best,
With aloha
Eve
Eve
Thank you for responding. First, I questioned in the beginning why after a year and a half did I decide to tell him about my unfaithfulness that was so far passed. Was it to 'test' his ability to stay with me? I think I got to a level of feeling that I could 'do' anything and he would not leave me. It came down to me not trusting myself too, and it is still that way. I know it is not fair to him, but how do I get passed that?
We have been communicating more regarding our 'open lifestyle' and just trying to undertstand more boundaries, etc. I want to be a better person, spouse, individual. However us being able to have fun with others is something I want to get passed, but also something I know is fun too...
I am a strong person if I really did not want to be in this relationship because I have called off a previous engagement (8 months before the wedding) after realizing the lack of ambition my ex had and seeing many wonderful qualities in someone else (who is now my current fiance).
I think my weakness is that I start to get attention from another, and start to see the wonderful qualities in them instead of focusing on what I have. Your book however, has started having me see things in a different light, but i still have this weakness for not trusting myself.
What now? Also, I have already had three people purchase your book 'how to love your marriage' becuase I think EVERYONE should read it....if I had the money I even told my mtoher I would buy it for EVERY guest at my wedding (in 2 weeks)... :-)
So...how did the wedding go?
I am so happy to know that How to Love Your Marriage is helping you and trust that the two of you will find your way through the challenges. I often think people don't realize that EVERY relationship, EVERY marriage faces difficult times and decisions. Everyone hits what I call "the wall" at some point in their marriage. At that time you have to make the serious decision of whether to scale the wall and see what is on the other side or turn back and start over somewhere else with someone else. While I am not one who believes that you should stay married no matter what, I do believe you should see if you can scale the wall. In my experience, the other side holds more beauty and depth than ever before.
Good luck to you!
Eve
Wedding and honeymoon were fabulous. It was beautiful. I could see the light shining from the joy in my husbands face. I felt it too. I also fell in love all over while away alone together just seeing the lack of stress, the joy and fun we can and most imporantly will still have together.
It's been only a week and half and although the joy and love is of course there, and the thoughts of our bright future together, why do I cry over 'real life'?
"Real life" to me: Being away from my husband. Not being around him to see the joy and everything I fell in love with like I saw this past week and a half. We have a growing busines together. It's easily another year until we can both stop our current jobs. Many of the stresses come with the retail mgmt job he has to do to 'support' the bills and our insurance. Then, my financial obligations are by working a sales job that I love because I get to meet new people and it's a 'make your own schedule' which works for me, however it also leads to my 'real life' problem. Temptations, trouble, etc.
For the past few months there has been someone else, and now that I am back to the 'real world' it scares me. I know cutting off contact completely is the smartest thing, but so many reasons why I can't or won't. Some of wanting to be around my husband is to reduce MY weaknesses.
There is nothing at all that makes me question the love and future I see with my husband...it's the 'other' problems I forsee. Now what?
You're great...thank you.
PS - scaling the wall is seeing that i DO want to be with my husband. I do not want what is on the other side in a marraige. I just don't know how to...'stop' (hopefully i have made some sense with this message)
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