Dear Eve,
I have been in love with a guy for over three years now, but we have never met in person. Every time we get a chance to meet, something comes up so we can't. I don't know whether I should give up on him and move on or keep trying. He is the only man who accepts the fact that I am a single mother of two kids and I don't know what I should do. Please help me.
Hi,
It is important to understand that the love you feel is for who you HOPE this man is, not for the man himself. You are in love with the things you TALK about doing together, but you are not doing them. You are in love with the VALUES that you talk about; you are in love with the IDEA of being in love; you are in love with the DREAM that you are in a relationship with a man who accepts you as you are. However, you don't actually KNOW this man, or whether he is married, or if he has misrepresented himself. And, what exactly is your evidence that he is “accepting” you as a mother? He hasn't had to even meet your children, much less help you with them, comfort them when they're sick, teach them when they make mistakes…. You, my dear, are living in the ILLUSION of a relationship.
I'm guessing that right about now you are thinking I am wrong, that you have spent, literally years talking with him and that your love is real. I hope you are right, however, time and time again I have seen people proclaim their undying love for someone they have never met only to find upon meeting them that they don't feel the “spark,” or worse yet, that they actually feel repulsed in person. Until you meet him face-to-face and spend some time with him, you won't know. At that time, it is very possible that the foundation you have built over years of talking to each other will immediately translate into love; it is also possible that you will immediately never want to communicate with him again.
You don't say how far apart you live, but to never make meeting a high enough priority is a definite “red flag.” There are three concerning issues here. One is the potential that you aren't meeting in person because one (or both) of you knows that once you do, the “relationship” is over-the illusion will end. Another concern is that the longer you go without meeting the larger your fantasies of the each other will become, making it nearly impossible for reality to match your preconceived notions. The third concern is the opportunity cost of being in an illusive relationship.
A man wrote to me once about a married woman he was in love with who lived in another country, and thus he knew he would never meet her. However, he felt like he was cheating if he went out with anyone else so he was remaining faithful to a relationship he wasn't really in. I'm afraid that you may be doing the same thing. Rather than dating and meeting someone in person who may actually be able to be a true companion, and who may actually provide a good role model for your children, you are sitting on your computer, taken.
I invite you to take a look at how your own thinking is sabotaging your love life. For instance, “He is the ONLY man who accepts that I am a single mother.” The only one? Your belief that no other man on the planet will accept that you are a mom, is keeping you in the illusion of a relationship, rather than sharing true companionship for both you and your children.
What to do? Either meet him and find out for sure, or start meeting people in person and taking the steps to create a real relationship.
I wish you the best.
With aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Is your thinking serving you and your love life or sabotaging it?
Love Tip of the Week: Question the truth of your beliefs. Taking the time to separate your
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