How—and WHO— do I trust online?

Dear Eve,

I feel like I'm putting myself out on a limb with online dating. I tend to believe whatever people tell me, whether I know them or not, I was raised that way. I'm not insecure or paranoid or delusional, but, I don't know if I should put my faith in someone I don't know at all, that I have met online. Please give me a little insight into this online dating and relationships. I'm very new to this. All I want is to meet a good lady that I can be happy with. I'd really appreciate your advice. Thank you!

Aloha,
The Internet is definitely a difficult arena to fully trust, and yet, if you don't trust you can seriously sabotage a great relationship. I think the key is "cautious optimism." What I mean by that is that you should hope and assume they are telling the truth, but cautiously watch for signs that they may not be. While the following tips apply specifically to online dating, you will find they apply equally well to people you meet face-to-face. The Internet is certainly not the only arena where dishonesty takes place. It is just one of the easier arenas.

1. Watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what the person says in from email to email, (or on phone call or in person). Also, watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what he or she says and what he or she does.

2. Ask a similar question more than once, altering it only slightly so it doesn't feel repetitive. You will find when someone is being deceptive, unless they are professionals, they forget what they have already told you. Pay attention to the answers.

3. DON'T SEND MONEY. There are whole operations of “women” particularly from Nigeria, who ask for money for ill family members, or plane tickets, only to prey on kindhearted (and desperate) men. Don't be fooled. Yes, some real women may not receive your help, but some real bad guys won't either.

4. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position by revealing too much or offering too much.

5. Don't assume that you are feeling love for a PERSON, (that you haven't met) when you are likely only feeling love for who you are HOPING that person is....

6. Aim to meet face-to-face as soon as possible when you feel you have been introduced to someone you may have an interest in. Meeting early will keep some of the fantasy and illusion to a minimum and it will save you a lot of time if the other person is not on the up and up or if there really isn't a physical attraction to each other.

7. Notice how you feel in your body as you read someone's email or talk with them. If in your gut you feel uneasy, or pushed away, TRUST YOUR INTUITION.

8. Use your head. If it sounds like it could be a problem, either don't do it or strategize to make it safer and smarter.

I have found that people on the Internet are either way more honest, revealing to perfect strangers things they would be hesitant to reveal face-to-face, or they use the opportunity to tell lies, or half-truths. Your task is to try to tell the difference.

Remember, being trusting is an honorable trait. Being untrustworthy is the dishonorable trait. Be careful that you don't get confused and decide that you no one out there is trustworthy. It is never the “love lesson” that you should stop trusting, but it may well be discriminating about who and what you trust. Most importantly, begin with trusting your own inner voice that warns you of impending danger.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

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