Divorce is Scarier than War

Greetings Eve,
I really enjoyed reading your article about fear. My biggest fear as I venture onto the super highway of online dating is rejection.

I have been separated for almost a year now after my ex-wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore after a twelve-year relationship. I always feared she would leave and then that day arrived. I have been in combat several times after a twenty-one year career in the Marines and, I must say, this is by far the hardest event I have ever had to endure. I would much rather be in combat. What makes it worse is that we have a beautiful three-year-old daughter who I also fear will separate from me.

More than anything, I want to open my heart to someone special and fall in love like I felt when I met my ex-wife. I do not fear opening my heart just the path getting to that point.


Aloha,
Your statement of preferring to be in combat over going through a divorce was heart wrenching. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Remember that underneath fear is what you cherish and want to protect. So, if what you fear is rejection, it reveals that you value being loved, and accepted. If you approach dating and relationships as if you are open to loving and being loved, you will approach it very differently than if you approach it from fear of rejection. I am sure there is a combat analogy here, even though I've never been in combat. I imagine that if you face a battle allowing your fear to be your overwhelming emotion, that you are far less effective at doing your job and perhaps even in a more dangerous position than if you allow your overwhelming emotion to be a desire to stay alive, safe and careful. It is the same goal, just a different approach.

If you spent a good part of twelve years of marriage living in fear that your wife would leave you, it is possible that the energy you emanated and the comments that you may have made based in your fear, could have actually contributed to your wife's decision to leave. Had you focused the same amount of time and energy on loving and appreciating your spouse and family, you may have been able to turn the tables. This isn't to imply this is "all your fault," rather it is simply to point out that we are very powerful beings. Fear is a form of visualization and visualization is a powerful tool for manifestation. It is important that we visualize what we want to happen, rather than what we are afraid of happening.

As for your fear of losing your daughter, be careful not to recreate the same dynamic that happened with your ex-wife. As your daughter gets older, be sure to make your love for her the driving motivation of your actions, rather than your fear of losing her. When people are motivated by their fear of losing someone, they tend to turn into "energy vampires." Energy vampires give off an air of trying to get something from us, rather than give something to us-which is repelling rather than attracting. Give your love to your daughter rather than trying to get love from her, and she will feel the difference.

Now that you have survived losing what you most cherished, allow that to strengthen you so that you are not as fearful going into the next round, whether in an attempt to rekindle things with your ex or with someone new. Online dating is a “great” way to get over being “rejected” because so many people don't respond to the emails sent to them that you begin to realize that the ”rejection” isn't necessarily about you at all. They may not have been interested for a million reasons, including never getting your email. If you take that same recognition into the face-to-face world, you will realize that you can't take what other people do personally. If they aren't interested; move on to someone who is.
Good luck and thanks for all you have done to protect our country.
Much aloha
Eve


Intellectual Foreplay Question: How are you different when you shift your focus from fear to love?

Love Tip: Falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is the part that requires skill.