Hello Eve
I am in a marriage that has been falling apart for some years now. My husband has had many affairs. Two years ago I began having an affair with an old boyfriend who is also married and unhappy. I'm staying in my marriage for financial reasons; he stays with his wife because of his kids. I feel this is no excuse for either of our actions, but he tells me he loves me and I love him, too. I don't know what to do; I'm so confused. I shouldn't be doing this. I’m insecure!!! This the reason why I cling to him— he accepts me in all ways—my weight, everything. I need help!!!
Aloha,
I invite you to consider that it isn't your sweetheart or your husband that needs to "accept you in all ways," it is YOU. As you are happy with and accepting of yourself, the world will treat you differently. You are letting your "happiness/security compass" be an external reference (your husband, your lover) rather than using your inner-self and your connection to Spirit/God as your guide—your internal reference.
One of the biggest things that blocks our self-love is when we are behaving outside of integrity. This causes extreme discomfort and guilt and makes it hard to feel good about ourselves. It becomes a downward cycle. The more insecure we are the more out of integrity we get. The more out of integrity we are, the more insecure we get. It is time to do some self-strengthening and self-loving exercises.
Ask this: Where is this leading? Do you imagine that you will really leave your spouses to be together? Are you happier having the affair or does it create more difficulty for you? How long are you going to continue this way? If you left your husband, and your lover did NOT leave his wife, what would you do? Is there a happy ending ahead or are you both avoiding doing what you need to do to truly be happy (whether that be staying with your spouses or leaving)?
Sometimes we blame things like money for staying, when in actuality, that is just an excuse. I invite you to really ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage. You may find that it really is because of fear or money or embarrassment or you may find that you are unwilling to let go of the possibility that you and your husband can actually love each other in a healthy way.
Do a bit more soul searching. If you had the money, would you leave right now? No? If the kids were on their own, would you move out right now? Start peeling back the layers of your reasons and excuses to see if you can unveil the truth. If indeed, you would leave right now if it weren't for the money... recognize that no one wants to be used for money and no one feels good about letting money rule their decisions. Do everyone a favor and do something different.
Once you decide that you really want to leave, you will see options for solving the money problem. I just don't think you are convinced that you have truly done all you can do to make your marriage work—starting with enhancing your own self-esteem.
I encourage you to read "How to Love Your Marriage." Even if you decide to leave your husband, the book will guide you in loving yourself and prepare you with skills and tools that will assist you in all relationships. If being self-directed through reading is not "your thing," then I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist who can help guide you to make new choices that are in alignment with your integrity and your goals.
I wish you the best...
With aloha
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay question of the week: Why are you really staying in the situation you are in?
Love Tip of the Week: When the universe can find no other way to help us to forgive or understand the actions of others, we find ourselves in the midst of the same situation or drawn to the same temptation. There is nothing like this experience to lead us to compassion, understanding and forgiveness.
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