Should I Stay or Go?

Hi Eve,

I dated my husband for several years on and off before marrying him a few years ago. We have both concluded that we got married because we were comfortable with each other and not because we were "in love." We now have two kids.
During my pregnancy he cheated on me, and I am sure that there are new women lined up. I used to trust him 100%. He must have thought I was a fool. He constantly comes home at all hours of the morning, each time with a different excuse... "I'm stressed and needed time alone,” or he tells me he was working or with friends or drinking so he couldn’t drive. Most of the time he is lying and hanging out with different women. I feel like its all another excuse.
I was going to get a divorce, but I have been home taking care of my children and have no savings, nothing. I am not in a position to leave. I have tried to be the bigger person and step up, but can't you only do but so much?
I'm worried about my sanity (can I take any more of this?) and my health (what if he brings home something he caught?). He doesn't respect or love me. He can't!! His actions speak loud and clear. And he can't truly care about his children, because to aid in ruining my life is to ruin theirs.
I just feel like if I leave him, I'll never find anyone to love me (not with two children) and his next wife will reap all the benefits of my anguish because he'll probably get his act together. I just got your book but I guess I'm just wondering should I stay or should I go?

Aloha,
I suggest that rather than deciding now whether to stay or go, you do some self-work first. How to Love Your Marriage will certainly guide you in this.
First, notice the tendency to limit yourself. You’re choosing to take on beliefs that are hurtful to you—and that aren’t necessarily or even likely true. “I’ll never find anyone…” “He doesn’t love me or the kids…” I encourage you to ask yourself if your beliefs are absolutely true. My guess is that you will see that they are not—or that you don’t know whether they are true or not. Ask yourself also if you know that he “has women lined up”, or whether that is a belief you are making up. If you don’t know it is true, choose to either seek the truth, or make up a story that feels better.
How would you feel differently if you believed (or stayed open to the possibility) that you are desirable (even with kids)! Even if you stay in your marriage, this belief will serve you. What if you decided that your husband does love you and the kids, but he doesn’t have “his act together”?
In truth, love doesn’t equal fidelity. Someone can love someone very much and still be weak when faced with temptation. My point is that his actions don’t necessarily mean anything about how he feels about you or the kids. It is possible that his actions say more about how he feels about himself, commitment, and his personal strength and integrity.
Part of your decision depends on what your husband is saying. Does he want to stay married? Is he willing to work on the marriage? Is he willing to change his behavior? The answers will certainly influence your decision. If he is not willing to change his behavior but wants to stay married, then your decision revolves around whether you are willing and able to accept his continued behavior. I know this sounds funny, but there are people who stay in marriages with the full knowledge that their partner will cheat and somehow they come to a place of acceptance about it. What you don’t want to do is to choose to stay in the relationship while resisting and resenting his behavior. This will only drive you crazy, push him even further away and kill any chance of a loving relationship.
I assure you, you will know if and when you need to leave. Until then, keep working on your relationship with yourself.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you able to accept?

Love Tip of the Week: Stay in a marriage until you know that you have taken 100% responsibility for your part in the situation. Leaving without doing so will always to haunt you.