Sex...what is YOUR reason?

Why people have sex doesn’t seem like a mystery, but recently a study was done at the University of Texas, surveying people and asking that very question. We might assume that “It feels good” or “I wanted to show my love” or “I wanted to get pregnant” were among the top contenders of maybe five or so reasons, but we would be way off the mark! The study found that people answered that question with over 200 distinct reasons! Interestingly, “revenge,” “fear,” “loneliness,” “possession,” “control,” “I didn’t know how to say no,” “I was obligated,” or “I wanted to make up from a fight,” were also among the answers.
The study gives cause to wonder why we do some of the things we do in our own lives—why we have chosen to be with the people we have chosen, why we have opted to get married—or opted not to, and yes, the many reasons why we have had sex over the course of a lifetime. Even within one marriage or relationship, our reasons for having sex may vary from time to time.
It caused me to think about some of the reasons I had heard over the years, like the time years ago when my then-boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and explained that with this act he was his way of “saying goodbye.” That was an interesting one—more interesting now than it was at the time!
As I reviewed the study’s list of reasons for having sex, ironically, many of the reasons mentioned for saying yes are the very same reasons we might be wise to say no—at least if a true relationship—or self-respect, were part of our agenda: “I was drunk,” “I was curious about what he/she was like in bed,” “My hormones were out of control,” “I wanted to give him/her an STD,” “I wanted to punish myself,” “I was afraid to say no,” “It was an initiation into a club,” “I wanted to humiliate the person,” “I wanted to break up my relationship (or someone else’s),” “peer pressure,” “I wanted to be popular,” “someone dared me,” “I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me,” “I wanted to get a promotion (or a job),” “I wanted to hurt someone else,” among several others scary answers.
When all was said and done, the researchers were able to categorize all the reasons into four main reasons: Physical Reasons, Goal Attainment Reasons, Emotional Reasons, and Insecurity Reasons. Interestingly but not surprisingly there were significant differences between men and women’s reasons. Men showed a significantly greater endorsement of having sex for physical reasons, for pure pleasure and as a means of improving social status. Women exceeded men on emotional and insecurity reasons, although both men and women had sex for all four categorical reasons.
With all this in mind, I invite you to carefully become aware of your reasons when you are thinking about having sex. I know, I know, we aren’t often thinking when sex is involved. In fact, I have found that people tend to pick their partners on “looks good” and “feels good” far more often than because the situation or the choice really is good. The thinking tends to come later around the time we start paying for our mistakes.
If you are married or in a similar committed relationship, I also invite you to look at the reasons you choose not to have sex. This is an entirely different topic, but equally interesting as similar power plays can emerge in the withholding from a loved one.
It is not always a pretty picture as our ego needs for control and approval are exhibited in our sexual behavior. Imagine how you would judge your own reasons for having sex, or not having sex, if they were published in a national survey. This simple act of awareness could make a big difference on the choices that you make.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Why have you had sex?

Love Tip of the Week: Remember that if love is your goal, (whether love for others or self) ego is the obstacle. When choosing to have sex, or not to have sex, see if you can choose from your spirit, your authentic self, rather than your ego.