Arguing About Money?

Dear Eve,
My husband and I have been together for over twenty years, get along in almost every way, but we constantly struggle with money issues. This has been an on and off issue over the years but with the current economics, it is only getting worse. We both get really sensitive when the topic comes up..
Do you have any suggestions on how we can better deal with this and handle the stress? Should we get counseling?
Thanks

Aloha,
As you clearly have discovered, money issues are heavily laden with other issues—like hurt, fear, blame, trust, anger, guilt and of course, stress. These ego-based emotions make it very difficult to have clean communication and a clear, problem-solving attitude. Dr. Phyllis Robinson and Melanie Stephens, MS. (www.CreativeConflictSolutions.com) are offering a free workshop in Kihei, January 7th, 7-9pm, called “Arguing About Money?” I highly recommend you attend—with or without your husband—as they will help you handle this problem more proactively. I collaborated with them about your question and here are the steps we suggest to make your money conversations pay off:

1. Plan ahead when scheduling tough money conversations. Create some time when you are well rested, fed, and have privacy.

2. Beware of defensiveness and stay away from right/wrong, good/bad positions and ultimatums. Make it your mission to keep blame, accusations, guilt, and attacks out of your conversations. I’ve found that using “We” statements instead of “You” or “I” statements really help in tough conversations. “We need to watch our money” is way more easily digested than “You need to watch our money.” “We language” takes control and blame out of the conversation and makes it clear that both partners are on the same team, sharing responsibility. Hold the attitude of “What will work for both of us?” and you will be more motivated to resolve the issues together.

3. Practice listening. Get curious about what is going on for your partner. What is he feeling? What’s important to him? Does he know you understand? Ask questions. Often we get so caught up in the ego-stance of defense that we don’t really even hear the other person or acknowledge the seriousness of the issue to them. When your partner knows that they are heard and understood, agreements can more easily be found. When people don’t feel understood, even if an agreement has been reached, they will continue to argue their point.

4. Listen also for the issue underneath the issue being said. Underneath almost every conversation is the desire to love and be loved, and the desire for safety—both physical and emotional. When we listen with our hearts, not just our ears, we can hear these bigger issues. Be sure to address and reassure about these, often unstated, issues.

5. See if you can identify the ‘interests’ you both bring to this subject: the things that really matter to each of you before you make decisions. For instance, his might be “reliable transportation,” yours might be “healthy food,” and you might both share ”the children’s education’, and “time together”. If you stop to see what truly matters to you both—and what doesn’t, you will be better equipped to meet those needs.

6. Assess whether you need outside help. This doesn’t necessarily mean counseling; it may mean financial consulting or an accountant. Often our “issues” are simply due to a lack of knowledge on the topic we are attempting to resolve.

7. Keep your mind on the goal of resolving the issues AND having a loving, harmonious relationship. Here is the deal, you can have money problems and a troubled relationship, or you can simply have money problems. In these economic times, the money challenges just may be a part of reality, out of your control. However, the health of your relationship is in your control. Remember that maintaining the love and respect you have for each other is the utmost goal as you work to resolve other issues.

While counseling can certainly be beneficial in helping you communicate more clearly and resolve the issues between you and your husband, start with these steps and taking the free workshop.
With aloha
Eve

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