Wife wonders why she should change for him?

Dear Eve,
I recently read your column in the Maui Weekly on boredom in marriage. I think my husband is bored with me. We have been together for ten years, have a two-year-old daughter and I love him very much. But, he goes out with his friends, cheats on me (three times that I know of) and says he feels trapped. I don't understand why I should “transform” for him. He is the one who is messing around and who refuses to talk. Please help me.

Aloha,
If you look at your relationship from the viewpoint of your ego, the answer to the question, “Why should I change for him?” is “You shouldn't! He's the one screwing up. He's the one damaging the relationship….etc.” From this viewpoint you will be very justified in blaming him and expecting him to do the changing. However, you will also be very disappointed in the results, as you have no control over making him change. The only result will be the death of the love in your marriage.

If instead you look at your relationship as your very own personal/spiritual growth class then the answer to the question is transformed into a very different question. If your goal is keeping him, the question becomes, “In what ways do I need to transform in order to meet my goals?” It may seem like you are doing it for him, but you are really doing it for you. Your personal goals may be around learning, establishing and protecting your boundaries. In which case, you need to determine the kind of treatment you are willing to accept and take action in alignment with that goal. It may be that your goal is to practice unconditional love and forgiveness, in which case you are smack dab in the middle of the perfect situation. If your goals don't involve keeping him, you still have to transform yourself, but the transformation will likely lead to you leaving the marriage. Ultimately, what you need to do is decide what you want. Then, do a careful self-analysis to see if your actions, words and thoughts are in alignment with those goals.

I encourage you to consider what you want from several different viewpoints. Ask, “What does my ego want?” Egos tend to “put people in their place,” “teach him a thing or two” or prove that we are “right.” Egos are also the number one obstacle to love, so exploring your ego's thoughts will be very helpful in recognizing what may be damaging your relationship. Also ask, “What does my heart want?” Then explore, “What do I want as the mother of my child?” Then, “What do I want (or need) in the way of my spirit's well-being or from my self-esteem's perspective?” From this view point you may find a part of yourself that is begging you to make a stand for yourself or to make some sort of life change like going back to school or to joining the gym or to taking up a hobby or to becoming more dynamic (for yourself, and as a by-product, your husband.)

If you pretend that you are the only one in the marriage capable of making changes and that the entire marriage can transform if you figure out what needs transformation in yourself, you may find all kinds of things that you weren't aware of that would be powerful to master. For instance, you may discover an attitude that you want to alter, a tone of voice, a negative or blaming mindset, a possessive or mistrusting quality that doesn't serve you-or your marriage. While making these changes for yourself may or may not transform your marriage, they will transform you into living a more powerful, joyful, masterful, purposeful life. There is very little chance that a marriage would not be affected by such a shift in you. After all, you are a primary ingredient in your marriage!
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you need to shift in you to become truly happy?

Love Tip: Sometimes we will be happy because of our marriage or relationship, sometimes we need to be happy in spite of it. Find happiness internally, regardless of your external circumstances. Your internal happiness will affect your external circumstances, but your external circumstances should not affect your internal happiness.