The EROS Equation

Dear Eve,
My marriage is falling apart. Everything my husband does is driving me crazy, so we end up fighting over stupid little things all of the time. At this point, I'm thinking more and more about divorce. Please help me, and don't tell me to "get counseling" cause there is no way he'll go.
Thanks....
Love Lost

Dear Love,
First, I want you to consider what you would do if divorce were not an option. Would you continue on the way you are, or would you do whatever it takes to make your relationship workable...if not thriving?! I'm hopeful that the option of continuing on a downward spiral is not of interest to you, which leaves you with the alternative of transforming your relationship.
So, in lieu of sending you off to counseling (although, don't kid yourself that your husband has to participate in order for you to benefit...), I'm going to offer you a mini-lesson on relationship transformation via the EROS (love) equation. I am going to assume that your goal is to create a healthy, lasting, loving relationship with your spouse.

Consider this equation, Event + Response = Outcomes and Solutions (E+R=OS). What this means is that the Events that happen in our lives do not create the Outcomes we experience, rather it is the addition of our Response to those Events that creates the Outcomes. By changing the way we Respond, we are able to create Solutions.

In terms of your situation, your husband is the "event." It isn't what he says or does that is "driving you crazy," rather, it is how you are choosing to Respond to what he says and does is what is causing your feelings. When we think the source of the problem is the other person or the event, we feel completely powerless and like victims. When we shift the source of power to our Response, we are then capable of creating something new. The good news about taking this "Response-Ability" is that you can transform how you are feeling, and potentially save your relationship. The "bad news" is that you have to take total responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions.

Let me dive a little deeper here. When you encounter a problem in a relationship (an event you don't like), you basically have four choices in how to respond.

1) You can "Negotiate" with the other person for change. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. However, it is certainly worth the effort to let him know, respectfully, what it is you'd like changed. The problem with this is that it is still putting responsibility for the transformation on the other person, outside of your realm of power.

2) You can "Resist What Is" and stay in the relationship. This is the choice you are currently making and it is always the choice that kills the love in the relationship. It simply doesn't work. Resistance is really an unskilled attempt to negotiate for change and shows up as nagging, fighting, arguing, being sarcastic and putting each other down. Sound familiar?

3) You can "Accept What Is" and stay in the relationship. This means that rather than trying to change the "event" or your husband, you are going to take responsibility for everything you think, say and do and consciously choose responses that are in alignment with your goal of creating a healthy relationship. Once you shift from resistance to your husband into acceptance of him, suddenly many solutions to the challenges will become obvious. As long as you are resisting, the options-and love- will elude you. This requires awareness and effort on your part, but can, guaranteed transform all your relationships and your life. (This is the part that counseling can support you in.)

Or, 4) You can "Get Out" of the relationship. If you discover that your husband's behavior is unacceptable in your life (it may be fine for him, but not for you) then you have the option of getting out. This may not be easy, but it may be necessary. However, I always recommend you work on acceptance first as it can work miracles in a relationship.

If you use the E+R=OS equation in every area of your life, you will discover your personal power for bringing out the ELATION in your rELATIONships.
Good luck to you!
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question:
What are you willing to take responsibility for?

Love Tip: When in doubt, take responsibility.