Relationship Woes

Dear Eve,
In most parts of my life, I make wise decisions, am competent and have the respect of my peers. In relationships, I seem to have failed miserably for the last two decades.
Every relationship that I've been in for the last twenty years has been with women that are getting divorced. In almost every case, they tell me about how the marriage sucks, how they need a friend to share with-and that ends up being me. I respond as a friend and confidant and then we end up getting involved.

At the beginning, I can see that the situation is going to be difficult, but every woman has made me feel so unique and wonderful that I start thinking if I do the RIGHT things, we can make it work. I try to be perfect, to solve every problem. I bring great gifts, offer romantic adventures, encourage them to chase their dreams and I even fund the escape. Then, eventually, they escape me.

Tonight I am feeling it is more than a pattern it is a habit. I tend to take on fault or figure that if it doesn't go well, I must be the problem. and usually when things don't go well, the other person is all TOO happy to blame, so it backs up my sense that it is all my fault. I want a real, lasting relationship, but clearly I need skills to be good at relationships,

Aloha,
First, stop beating yourself up. The good news is that you are willing to look at yourself, your choices, and your behaviors to see what fits and what doesn't and make changes to break patterns. Your awareness that there may be something you can do differently is a huge plus in bringing about change. Remember to distinguish between "fault" and "responsibility." Looking for who was at fault is only looking backwards at something that cannot be changed. It is defeating. Taking responsibility, is looking at what you can do differently from this moment forward and is empowering. So, when taken from a place of responsibility, this can only lead to greater health and greater opportunities for love.

Second, start looking for what you have done right, not just what you have done "wrong." Look at the benefits of each relationship and what you have learned from each. Relationships are great teachers-and "happily ever after" isn't necessarily the point.

Keep in mind that when you pick women who are in the process of divorce, they have not had an opportunity to learn new skills. This is like taking a kid who failed math and putting him into a job that requires math skills without making sure he has learned the required skills in between. It is destined to failure, by its very nature. Combine their lack of skills with your need for approval (which, while well intentioned, is why you go to such extremes to help them in spite of your wisdom to do otherwise), and it causes a chemical reaction that doesn't work. You are good at being loving, giving, devoted, compassionate, and forgiving, but you are doing it from a place of need/ego, rather than from a place of source/spirit. While the behavior may be exactly the same, the energy is different. Ego pushes love away; spirit draws love in. When you do things for others so that they will like you, it comes from a need for approval and others feel it as "with strings attached" and it scares them. So, as you let go of your need for approval, you will begin showing up more authentically.

Without relationships (the good, bad and the ugly), you would not be able to master these essential life skills on your spiritual journey through life. On the other side of the work and the pain is a life in which you are aligned with your true self and you know Spirit only brings you the perfect situations to master the next level of your spiritual path.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you learned from your relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: Your beliefs are powerful. Switch what you believe to be true and you may find that what is true changes, too.