Tired of Just "Being Friends"

Dear Eve,
I'm a fifty-year-old widow. I started dating again three years after my husband's passing. I'm dating a man that wants to be just friends-to get to know each other. He's never dated a widow before and says he doesn't want to take advantage of me. He has been married and divorced twice. After seven months, we have kissed only a few times. Even spending the night when I invited him to my bed, I kissed him and he said, “Good-night”.
Do I start to date other men or wait for his walls to drop?
Confused.

Hi,
If his walls didn't drop when you invited him into your bed, you might be waiting a very long time. When he says he doesn't want to “take advantage of you,” my guess is that is just an excuse to maintain a certain distance because, either he isn't attracted to you romantically, he has sexuality issues (whether physical or emotional) or there is some other issue (fear?) keeping him from going forward into a relationship.

The reality is that he has told you he "just wants to be friends" and he actually is only being your friend; he is doing exactly what he said he would do. What you see/hear is what you get.
What is confusing you isn't his behavior; it is your desire to be more than friends with a guy who isn't offering more than that.

What I didn't hear in your letter was how your friendship/relationship was other than in the bedroom. Are you compatible? Do you really enjoy his company? Do you want to be in a more committed relationship with him or were you just hoping for a more intimate relationship with him? Do you want to keep him as a friend in your life if it never goes any further in the bedroom? In other words, is this worth waiting for?

If you really like this guy, rather than just starting to date or waiting for his walls to drop, I'd talk to him about it. Seven months is plenty long enough to “get to know each other” and to have a sense of whether you want to take the relationship to another level. Let him know you appreciate his friendship, but that in addition to friendship, you want a romantic and intimate companion. Ask him if he is interested in that with you and then LISTEN to his answer. If he is still unsure or shares with you again that he just wants to be friends, honor what he is telling you!

One of the biggest mistakes people make is not listening to what people tell us in the beginning of a relationship. If he is saying he just wants to be friends, he is telling you the truth. If you try to make it more than that, he may go ahead move forward only to find himself dealing with the same issues he was dealing with before getting intimate. If he decides then that he was correct in the first place by just being friends, it will be much more difficult and painful to deal with.
I wish you the best.
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How long does it take to know whether you want to have an intimate relationship with someone? How long does it take to know that you want to have a committed, long-lasting relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Some things in life are worth waiting for, others are just a use of precious time. There are two ways to determine the difference. One is to have a conversation about it, and the second is to self-inquire. Ask yourself what is right for you. In both cases you need to listen, and honor what you hear.