Should I Date a Single Mom?

Hi Eve,

I am a single guy that is in college and I recently started online dating. I showed interest in a woman on the site. She showed it back and we started a conversation via email.
I have emailed her every day since and she emails back. She has also initiated emails just asking how my day was and other friendly conversation. I have to admit that I am flattered that she has shown interest in those simple things.

The one draw back that I see is that she is a single mother.
I know that there can be complications because my sister is in the same situation. I'd like to think that the daughter of one that I am interested in is just a "little" version of her and that I should not worry, but I do worry. What if there was a long-term relationship, will her daughter like me or just get accustomed to me being around-or worse? I have read columns online and tell you the truth, I am still a little confused. There are a lot of viewpoints that range from just be patient to run as fast as you can away from this situation.

I guess I am asking for any advice. Any input will be greatly appreciated.

Aloha,
First, some questions for you: How old is the daughter? What is her relationship with her father like? And, how long have they been apart?

The answers to these questions make a big difference in whether she will like you, accept you, rebel against you-whether she will be a joy in your life or a burden.

Generically speaking, the more recent the break-up, the more challenging accepting someone new will be for the child and the younger the child, the more adaptable. Keep in mind, a child may be the miniature version of the dad rather than the mom, so you might want to know a little more about him, as well. The influence of the biological father can make a big difference. Is he angry, jealous, intruding, or supportive? Are you having to take on the role of father or of step-father (yes, the can be different roles).

Whether you should go forward or not depends on a lot of variable besides whether or not the woman has kids. There are lifestyle issues, discipline issues, financial issues, personality issues-all kinds of things to consider-including your personality, attitude and ability to respond appropriately to the situations that may arise. I know a lot of guys who have great relationships with their step-kids and I know kids who came into my counseling office at school and gave me their detailed (and effective) plan for breaking up their mom and step-dad's relationship, so I don't think you can follow generic advice on this.

I'm sure, especially since your sister is a single mom, that you can relate to how sad it would be if all men ruled all single mothers out of the dating options just because their previous relationship didn't work. No more love and no man in the household for the child because their parents couldn't figure out how to make the relationship work? That would truly be sad- and a problem for millions of people.

With that said, it is wise that you are thinking about what you want and don't want. Consider what kind of lifestyle and flexibility you want to have upon graduating from college. Consider where you are planning to live when your studies are over. Take some time to explore what kind of lifestyle you want and how soon. If you meet a woman you like and she has kids, take your time before getting serious-meet the kids, observe lifestyles, personalities, family dynamics, the influence of the ex, all of the things that will impact the situation and make your decision not on generic advice of the "experts" or other guys who may or may not have had any sense about them, but rather follow your own heart, intuition and wisdom.
With Aloha,
Eve

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