Should We Say "I Do"?

Dear Eve,
I've been involved with a man for about two years, but due to our professions, the whole relationship has been long distance. We are about to see each other again for the first time in about six months and are both so excited about it! He is such a good friend-kind, honest, trustworthy, a good listener, has a great sense of humor, sensitive, flexible, understanding and he's very adventuresome. He loves to travel around the world. He is definitely very unique - one of-a kind guy.

We have talked about getting married a few times—we're in our forties and neither of us has been married before—and we are now actually thinking about going for it on this upcoming vacation. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. What do you think? I'm planning to get a copy of “How to Love Your Marriage,” too!

Aloha,
Congratulations on finding such a great partner. It is nice to hear about so many positive qualities! I'm not really sure exactly what you are asking me. Do you want to know if I think you should get married to him?

I have nothing against marriage, however I do think asking some difficult questions is really important-especially when you have lived in different states the whole time you've been dating.
For instance, if you get married, how will that change the current living arrangements? Are you willing to move to be with him? Is he able and willing to relocate? Are you planning to continue living in separate places?

What are the reasons for getting married (as opposed to just continuing in a relationship)? What are the benefits and what are the risks?
How do finances come into play? Does marriage impact either of your financial situations-positively or negatively? Would divorce?

Generically speaking, the tricky thing about long distance relationships is that we tend to do a lot of fantasizing about who we THINK the other person is. We often end up more in love with the fantasy or illusion than the reality. Rarely do we ever imagine the other person with morning breath or bad moods or stressed out. We usually fantasize about them at their BEST, not their “typical” or worst version. In addition, the only time you have ever seen each other is when one or the other or both are on vacation, which is really different than reality, too. Then you top all that off with the reality that in order to be together, one of you has to make a huge life change and move away from your support system and familiar surroundings. It can add a lot of stress into the mix and a lot of "Wait a minute, I thought...." (Finish the sentence with your favorite fantasy of what you thought about the other person.)

With all that said by way of warning, my husband and I met while I was here on vacation, dated long distance, spent five months on the phone, and then I moved to Hawaii to be with him and we've been together for fifteen years. So it can definitely work, but I highly recommend you get a copy of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be. This book was written SPECIFICALLY for this circumstance as we wrote it while we were getting to know each other better. It is full of the questions to facilitate your exploration of who each of you are, what each of you want, what your values and goals are-everything! How to Love Your Marriage isn't so much for the decision phase; it is full of really great skills and tools to assist you in keeping your relationship alive and thriving (regardless of whether you are married).
I wish you the best.
Much aloha!
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Would you marry your partner regardless of how the “ending of the story” was going to go?

Love Tip of the Week: If you ask too many questions, you'll never get married. If you ask too few, you'll surely get divorced.