Married to a Verbally Abusive Husband

Dear Eve,
I've been married for eighteen years and in the last nine years my husband has been very, very verbally abusive to me. I was wondering how much longer I have to take it. His complaint is that we don't spend time together, but we are together -bowling, at home, etc-just about all of the time that we are not at work. He lectures me all the time; It's always what he wants and how I “better make changes or else he's going to make changes.” He cuts me down by telling me in front of others that I was a lousy mother, lousy housecleaner, lousy financier and a lousy wife. I feel so hurt that I want to divorce him. Even though I am fifty-years -old, I'm not afraid of starting a new life without him. I would really appreciate your advice on this.

Aloha,
Your story reminds me of a man I saw standing on a corner begging for money. He held a sign saying, “I need some change.” To me, nothing seemed closer to the truth, but he was missing his own message. I wanted to run over with a marking pen and cross out “some” and write “to” so that it read, “I need to change,” in the hopes he would get the irony of his own sign. You, too, are holding an “I need some change” sign. You husband is holding one up too with his blatant comment, “You need to make some changes or I will.” Indeed, one or both of you need to do just that. Unfortunately, divorce is often one of the first changes we think of trying before learning new skills and practicing new approaches.

I have a couple of questions for you-what happened nine years ago that instigated this change in the way he treats you? Did something in your attitude or lifestyle change? Is something now missing that was there previously? Have you told your husband how you feel? What else does he say to you? Does he ever say nice things? So often we only hear the mean things being said even though there may be just as many positive. Be sure to look at the whole picture, not just the negative part. For instance, he must like something about you if he wants to spend more time with you. Do you know what it is? Have you ever asked him why he wants to spend more time with you? It probably isn't so much “more time” that he is looking for, but a different quality of time. Maybe he misses time alone with you, or time having fun instead of working around the house. Another question, what kind of “changes” is he asking you to make? Are they reasonable? Are they changes you can feel good about making?

It is my experience that when there is a problem in a relationship, it can almost always be traced back to not telling your partner the truth of what you are feeling. The “truth” is not simply that you are angry and you want a divorce. If you dig a little deeper into your heart you'll find that underneath your anger is hurt and fear. You are hurt that he would say mean things to you and afraid that you two will never return to loving communication. Underneath that pain, there is something you want-to feel loved rather than threatened, for example. Perhaps what you really want is for the relationship to work. And there is something you understand or need to understand from his perspective-perhaps you understand that you have pulled away from him emotionally or that his complaints are his unskilled attempts to make the situation better. Underneath all of that is something that you love and appreciate about him. So when you decide to tell him the truth of how you are feeling and listen to the truth of how he is feeling, be sure that you explore all that you are feeling and not just the negative.
How much do you “have to take”? As much as it takes for you to be inspired to do something different.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What changes do you need to make?

Love Tip: Awareness that change is needed is the first step, but action is required for satisfaction. Sometimes the action is simply a new perspective from looking at the total truth.