Dear Eve,
The reason I'm writing to you is because I know that your advice column is widely read, and I just wanted to share my experience in the hope that if it touches one heart, or helps one person, that the pain I'm feeling will not have been for naught.
My husband is leaving our relationship and at this point, it is out of my hands. The finality of losing someone who has been in your life for 28 years, with whom you've birthed and raised beautiful children, and to whom you've given your life, is devastating. Rather than try to paint a rosy picture of a perfect relationship, I am coming from a place of deep regret for what could have been, but wasn't, because of some very basic, fundamental issues-those of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I see so clearly now what I could have done better, how I could have been more loving, kinder, more compassionate, more accepting, more attentive.... Poor parental role modeling set the stage on my part for many of the errors in our relationship, and history repeated itself. I feel like I sabotaged our marriage because I didn't feel worthy of being loved, and the way this manifested itself was in my being uncaring of myself, which translated into being uncaring with his heart as well.
Through much soul searching and in depth reading about what love really is, I have come to a greater and deeper understanding of where I went wrong. I look at this man who I am about to lose, and every good quality that he embodies is magnified a hundred-fold. The irony in this situation is that over the years, as I have tried to "lead him to God"-on my terms and with my expectations-he has quietly been doing God's work. Not one to give lip service to how we should act as humanitarians as we walk through this life, this is a man who humbly sees a need and fills it, without any thought of recognition for himself. His heart is pure, and filled with kindness and compassion for the less fortunate of the world. My efforts to "lead him to God", while well intentioned, set the stage for the beginning of the end of our relationship. I see now how he's had God in his heart all along, and that I was the one who could have benefited from following his example.
Had I stayed in gratitude and appreciation over the course of our lives together, I don't believe we would be where we are now. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, because I lived so much of my life from fear-without knowing that I was-I pushed away the love that was trying so hard to break through that fear. Now that it has, it's come too late. Remorse is a pain that rips at the heart.
For anyone who is reading this, all I can say is "be good to each other. Treat your spouse with the love, care, and respect that they deserve, and always see the best in them. When you see the best in them, you'll see the best in yourself, and love will be able to flow. The pain of loss is great. Think long and hard about how much you stand to lose and weigh it very carefully."
Before this was right in front of me, I never could have imagined how much it would hurt, or how senseless it would be. Now my eyes have been opened, and the tears flow freely from those eyes. Life's tragedies must have some greater meaning. This is the only thought that keeps me going.
Aloha,
I great reminder to us all to cherish our loved ones-as is. I'm impressed at your ability to take responsibility for your situation so that you are better able to grow from it. The challenge now will be to forgive and love your self-as is. My fear for you is that you will do to yourself all the same things that you feel you did "wrong" to your husband. Please don't spend your life in that turmoil; love and accept yourself as you wish you had loved and accepted him. Forgive yourself, as you have forgiven him.
With aloha,
Eve
Love Tip of the Week: Use foresight to save your current relationship, or you'll use hindsight to save your next relationship.
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