Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Eve,

I recently broke-up with my girlfriend of three years. The first two years I was the "other guy" until she got divorced. We never had a very open or public relationship due to work. I have had some jealousy issues in the past, but nothing like what has happened recently. About 3 months after my girlfriend's divorce she met a new male friend. She has spent at least a day a week with him for the past few months. She never wanted me to meet him or discussed what they did or talked about. They spent 8 - 10 hours a week alone together, but she claimed it was nothing more than friendship. I could not deal with this relationship. She thinks I was just jealous and I think she was not really committed or respectful of me. Was I wrong to call it off?

Hi,
I'm going to attempt to answer you, but please do keep in mind that I am only responding to what you have told me; I haven't heard her side of the story.

It sounds to me like you were justified to be concerned. I kind of have a personal "rule" that is "If you want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, let's both friends with the other person. " Keeping friendships a secret, or totally separate from your partner is definitely a "little red flag." Even if nothing is going on, it is disrespectful. I would also be concerned about her lack of willingness to talk to you about what the nature of her relationship with this guy is. The reality is that the way your relationship started adds to your lack of trust as you already know that she is capable of "cheating" on a partner. After waiting for her for two years, only to have her hang out with someone else, you certainly have a right to be upset.

The unfortunate reality is that we warn people about hooking up with married people, or recently divorced people, for a very good reason. Often, "the other man” (or woman) serves the role of helping her get out of her marriage, but the reality is that she hasn't taken the time to grieve the loss of her marriage, or learn new relationship skills, or discover who she is or what she wants aside from a partner. Committing fully to another relationship (with you) may not be wise, or even possible for her right now. Consequently, she may be relying on the same technique she used to get out of her marriage to get out of the relationship with you-another man.

Here is the big problem you face: If she did not have the relationship skills she needed to keep her marriage together and she didn't take any steps after her marriage to learn new skills, she is in no better of a position to make the relationship with you work. People often fail to realize that if you want something different, you have to DO something different. Just getting a different guy isn't usually sufficient.

So, were you wrong to call it off? I can't tell you for sure without talking with her, but it seems to me you certainly had valid concerns and good reasons to call it off. Should you get back together? Is she asking you too? Is she willing to do anything different? Is she willing to learn new skills? Are you? Going back will only yield the same results unless you both commit to doing something differently.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you learned?

Love Tip fo the Week: Trust your own knowing of what is okay with you and what is not. In your heart, you know whether or not you are doing the right thing.