Just Divorced—Ready to Date?

Hi Eve,
I am 57, have been divorced for several years, and have dated extensively in several longer-term relationships that did not work out. I am definitely at a point where I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship.

I have recently met a man who seems like a really great guy. However, he only separated from his wife lasst year and just got divorced in January. When he first contacted me, he told me that at this point he is just looking for someone to do things with. He explained that while he is certain he doesn't want to get back with his ex-wife, he still is working through the pain of his divorce.

We have gone out three times and had a great time. We enjoy the same activities and he talks about doing these things together in the future. He does not seem to be looking for anyone else. On the first date there was no touching, the second time he made friendly touching gestures and the third time he gave me a heartfelt hug at the end. I feel like I am more than just an activity partner.

My question is whether this looks like a relationship that could possibly develop into something long term. At what point should I ask him whether he sees any potential for a long-term relationship? Right now things feel very natural and good, but with my last relationship, things didn't progress and I waited far too long before I asked about his feelings. This current man has read my profile online so he knows that my goal is a committed partnership on all levels. Thanks for your insight.

Aloha,
My experience is that we need to believe what someone tells us in the beginning of the relationship. In this case, he has clearly told you that he is not ready for a committed relationship, he is just looking for a friendly companion, his divorce is relatively recent and he is clear that he has not healed from that experience yet. For you to anticipate that he is going to become ready for a long term relationship soon is probably an unrealistic expectation.
My point here is that he has already told you where he is at emotionally. What I am not sure of is that you have clearly told him where you are. Yes, you said in your profile that you wanted a long-term relationship, but it is not reasonable to assume that he is acceptant of those terms. After all, he clearly told you he wasn't interested in long term and you still went out with him, so he may be thinking that you are accepting of his terms.

What needs to happen is a heart to heart conversation letting him know what you want and seeing what he says. Before you do this, I highly recommend that you get really clear on what you want to do if he reiterates that he is not ready for a committed relationship. Are you still interested in doing things with him? What if he lets you know he is dating other people, will you continue seeing him? Are you going to date other people? What if the next date includes a kiss and the expectation for more physical intimacy starts to be a part of the companionship? Are you interested in being intimate with someone who has clearly told you that this is about “happily-right-now,” not necessarily about “happily-ever-after”? If you are absolutely sure that you are not interested in dating someone who isn't absolutely sure that the intention is a long-term relationship, then you may as well let him know that you really like him and wish that the timing was different, but that since it is not the case, you are not able to continue on the current course. Clearly, if the sequence of events continuously develops, it won't be long before you are in love with this guy and completely baffled when he remains committed to not being committed.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you believe (i.e. respect) what other people tell you about themselves?

Love Tip of the Week: Respect your own boundaries.