Running Into Ex-Lovers...Are the Feelings Real?

ear Eve,
I'm going to visit my hometown for the first time in years for a wedding. I am sure that I will run into an old boyfriend from twenty years ago. (Now, we're both thirty-eight and married.) I am not sure whether I will still feel attracted to him, or what. It has been so long. I don't want to make my husband feel uncomfortable, or his wife for that matter, but I am looking forward to seeing him and would like to have the opportunity to catch up. Are there any tips you can give me to help me know how to handle this?

Aloha,
It is important for people to understand that real love does not go away. It may get blocked from flowing due to any number of circumstances, or it may be ignored, but love is always there. If you really once loved this man, there is a huge likelihood that you will feel love and fondness when you see him again. If you have other unfinished feelings from a past relationship, they may also emerge-sadness, grief, anger, or simply a need to understand that period of time in your life. If you don't realize this possibility in advance, it has the potential to take you by surprise and wreck havoc in your life, and his, and your marriages. Note that it isn't the love or the feelings that you experience that will wreck the havoc, it is what you decide to do with those feelings.

So, here are some really practical tips:
1) Honor the feelings without acting on them. Know that the part of you that loved this man is that part of you that still feels fondness for him, (and/or hurt or sadness). In other words, if you loved him as a teenager, your inner teenager will still feel the feelings-perhaps love, perhaps grief-but they are not necessarily the feelings of who you are today. That doesn't make them any less tangible, but it does make a huge difference over what you do with them. The love you may feel when you see him again is for an eighteen-year-old boy, from an eighteen-year-old girl. You are thirty-eight now and the emotions are not current. Knowing this will help you make wiser choices about how to manage the feelings.

I once saw an old boyfriend and expected to have feelings of anger over the way we broke up from fifteen years earlier. Instead when I saw him, I felt love and fondness. Rather than following those old feelings into a renewed relationship, I allowed those feelings to be validation that the relationship had been real, and valuable, even though it had ended in a way that made me question that over the years. Ultimately, the experience was very healing, causing old doubts and upsets to dissipate.

2) Respect the feelings of your spouse and his when you see each other. Include them in the conversation. Remember, that even though you may have been intimately involved with him then, it does not give you permission to touch him, or move close to him when you talk, or whisper to him, now. Just because you were lovers or sweethearts once and thus had permission to enter each other's personal space, that “permission” has been revoked by both time and marriage. It isn't okay to pick up where you left off. It is not respectful of him and his marriage and it isn't respectful of your spouse either.

3) Think before you share your feelings. Sharing your emotions with your ex or sharing your feelings with your spouse, before you take the time to process them and understand them, could be hurtful and confusing. Allow yourself the time to bring your emotions back into the present day and present reality before saying things you may regret.

Remember, when you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it is time to water your lawn.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you expecting?

Love Tip of the Week: Rather than wondering if you will still have feelings for an ex sweetheart, expect to have feelings. Prepare yourself for that likelihood and strategize to make the wisest decisions for all involved.