A Matter of Respect

A Matter of Respect
Husband is “just looking,” wife feels betrayed
Dear Eve
I feel betrayed. Not only has my husband of thirty-four years been viewing hundreds of women's profiles online, but he even put his profile on Match.com. I have a spy program and have watched him do this for the last three weeks. When I confronted him, he said he was "only looking” to compare me to other women. I don't believe him. We have been through this problem twice before, and two years ago he even met a woman from the Internet. He is saying he he didn't do anything wrong as he never had "replied" to a woman's message going to his mailbox. I feel it was only a matter of time before he responded to an email. To me, it was a violation of our marriage for him to be pretending to be "separated" and to join these dating sites. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. When I try to talk to him about it, he acts like it was nothing and tells me that he loves me and wants us to retire together. I just feel so empty inside. I was sure he would never do this to me again. Could you please write something that I could let him read to convince him what he was doing was wrong?
Hurting inside

Aloha,
My heart goes out to you, this is a really difficult situation. To your husband I would say this:
When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, WATER YOUR LAWN!
If you are not handling whatever is lacking in your relationship, you are going to enter into another relationship bringing that same inability to address issues, heal the hurts and make the relationship healthy. If you put the same amount of time into your marriage as you do into reading other women's profiles, emailing, chatting and searching for a new situation, you would be able to a higher level of quality to your marriage.

This is not a matter of “right” or “wrong,” it is a matter of disrespect. Your actions are hurting your wife. You need to make the decision to either be married and committed to your spouse or get out and be single. Doing both is killing the love and trust in your relationship.
“Comparing” your wife to other women is unfair as it will ALWAYS creates a winner (the other woman) and a loser (your wife), because we seldom compare a whole person to a whole person. You compare your wife's legs to a woman who has great legs, but perhaps not the best hair. So you compare your wife's hair to a different woman who has great hair, but who doesn't like the same activities as you do. You compare your wife's interests to someone who shares some of your hobbies, but who doesn't have the size breasts you prefer. So you compare your wife's breasts to the most voluptuous woman you can find, but who doesn't have the kind personality of your wife. If you are going to compare someone to someone else, or yourself to someone else, compare in totality, across the board. Then you may find that while there are some areas your wife may not be “the best,” over all, she may be the winner. When you compare part by part, she doesn't stand a chance and neither does your marriage.

TO YOU, I would say:
When you put your power for happiness on someone else's behavior, you become a victim. If you continue in the relationship expecting your husband to change, you are very likely going to continue to be disappointed.

If instead you take responsibility for how you feel, what you do, say and think (and even the quality of your marriage), you will discover that you have choices and that makes you very powerful. This is a great opportunity for you to take a long hard look at your marriage, your life, your choices and your behavior to see what you might need to do differently to bring about different results.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: If divorce were not an option and living miserably (i.e. with distrust, anxiety, suspicion, etc.) were not an option either, what would you do differently?

Love Tip of the Week: Rather than looking for who is right and who is wrong, look for what you can do to make the situation work for both of you.