She Loves Me but She's Not "In Love"

She Loves Me, but She's Not "In Love"

Dear Eve,
I am reading your book How to Love Your Marriage and it has helped a lot with my situation. My wife and I dated for many years before we got married. We have had intimacy issues for a long time and chose to let things work themselves out on their own, BAD DECISION. Instead, they snowballed into bigger issues. We have neglected and taken each other for granted. We haven't done the little things that made our relationship special or even spending time together. Then, I learned that she was having an affair. Unfortunately it made me realize how important she was to me and I told her that I want to work things out. She said that she loves so many things about me, but she's not "In Love." We have been going to a therapist and it has been helping, but she still feels the same. She wants to try to get back to where we were when things were good. She is trying; she has become more affectionate towards me and I have been trying to take your advice about taking it moment-by-moment and not focusing on the past or future.

We have been spending a lot more quality time together and it has been enjoyable for both of us. My issue is that it feels like we are just peacefully cohabiting.

I am unsure how to proceed, I know that I need to just keep taking it day by day and be supportive and show her I love her, but is there anything else that I can do?

Aloha,
I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. The good news here is that you and your wife WANT to try to make things better. Many relationships don't have that benefit. Remember that you don't really want to “get things back the way they WERE,” instead, you want to turn your relationship into what it can become-the best it can be. This is especially true after an affair has taken place. You often have to realize that you are now picking up the pieces, adding some new elements and creating a NEW relationship, not just restoring the old one. The two of you are making a NEW decision to be together, to recommit to the relationship from this point forward, not to resurrect the past. The difference is that one is an effort to go backwards (which is impossible) the other is to go forwards (which is hopeful and holds unlimited possibility).

This also means that rather than lamenting whether you currently have anything in common or not, you have the opportunity to create/find things that you have in common and mutually enjoy.

The one who holds the most power to transform the relationship is the person who is the least committed. In other words, all of the things you are doing and realizing are great and surely make a big difference, but you can't make your wife fall “in love” again. She has to do that. The good news is that she CAN fall in love again, because love never really goes away, it just gets covered up (by experiences, thoughts, beliefs, ego, etc.). Thus, if she is willing to do the work to clear away the obstacles, she can restore her access to love. The two of you can also restore the intimacy and passion. This may require a higher level of sensitivity to what sex is like for the other person, as men and women tend to experience it differently.

In addition, I invite you both to realize that we typically pick partners that have something to teach us. I have discovered that everything that I find difficult in a partner or that seems so different, is a GREAT teacher for me-and quite often either a quality that I need to embrace more in my life, or...one which allows me an opportunity to practice compassion, acceptance, or forgiveness, etc.

Give yourselves time and continue prioritizing your relationship highly. Remember, the development of your relationship took several years the first time and in many ways you are in that phase of relationship development again.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you believe you can fall back in love?

Love Tip of the Week: Never underestimate the value of peaceful cohabitation as the foundation on which to grow a great relationship.