Reputation or Integrity?

Dear Eve,
I’m a married man, but unhappily so. I have started to get sexually involved with other women. I didn’t think much about it until one of them got upset when I told her I was married. I suddenly realized that she knows a lot of people who know a lot of people on the island. This kind of rumor could ruin my credibility and my business, not to mention my marriage. I know you aren’t going to approve of what I did, but do you have any suggestions on how I can keep her from ruining my reputation?

Aloha,
First, let’s straighten out a couple of things. A rumor is a story passed around with uncertain facts or a total lack of truth. This would not be a rumor, as you clearly state the truth of the matter: You had sex with a woman who you led to believe you were single and interested in a relationship with her. You didn’t tell her until after she got intimately involved with you that you were married. You deceived her, got what you wanted and then hurt her. The story going around would simply be the truth.
Let’s take a look at what might actually ruin your reputation—you or her. Yes, she could tell the truth to people about what you did to her—and to your wife, but keep in mind that her actions aren’t what would ruin your reputation, only your actions could do that. A reputation based on a lie is only that, another lie. If you care about your reputation, start aligning your behavior with what you want people to say and think about you.

Another issue that concerns me in your letter is the apparent lack of concern over how your actions have impacted this young woman. I would feel way better if you had asked me what you could do to help her heal from the pain that your deceit had inflicted rather than how to save your reputation.

Of course, there is also your wife to consider here. Are you also lying to her or does she know you are out getting involved with other women? Does she know you are planning to get a divorce?

I highly recommend that you clean up one relationship before starting another. Either put some time and effort into improving the relationship you are already in, or get out. Staying married and sleeping with other women is only going to cause everyone pain—and yes, damage your reputation. If you are unwilling to stop seeing other women, at the very least tell them you are married before you get intimate with them. Then if they choose to have a sexual relationship with you, at least they know what they are choosing. Your wife ought to be given the same information so she can choose whether she wants to continue being with you as well.

While we all have to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, we are all also custodians of each other’s hearts. We have an unspoken integrity agreement with every other person on the planet that says, “I will not hurt you.” This implicit integrity agreement is the reason that we can walk down the street and assume that the drivers of the cars will try not to hit us. It allows us to turn our backs to someone and be able to assume our safety. Integrity agreements allow us to inherently trust each other not to harm each other, lie to each other or deceive each other. They are the juice that makes the world a relatively harmonious place. Unfortunately however, they are broken all the time and when they are, we need to mend them.

The best way I know for you to save your “reputation” is to mend your integrity agreements. First with yourself and Spirit, secondly with your wife and thirdly with any women you have harmed. Take responsibility for your actions, reset your integrity agreements and work to keep them in tact.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay: How do your choices impact other people?

Love Tip of the Week: If people knowing about your actions would bring you shame and embarrassment, change your actions rather than trying to cover them up.