Skill Two: Self-Observation

This is part two of a series featuring the Five Essential Life Skills. The first of the skills covered previously is Remembering Who You Really Are.

The second essential life skill of Self-Observation may well be the most important. It seems so obvious and so simple and yet, we are extremely unskilled and unpracticed at paying attention to our own thoughts and feelings. We tend to operate on “automatic pilot,” as if we have no control. The reality is that unless we know what we are doing, we have little chance of changing it and often, the simple act of becoming aware causes us to do something differently.

When we practice self-observation—noticing what we are thinking, feeling, doing and imagining—it allows us to become self-aware. When we are aware of what we are doing, we realize that we have choices and choices are what make us powerful.

The very act of noticing how we are feeling can allow us to release or let go of a stuck or stagnant feeling or a self-sabotaging habit. I once worked with a student who denied everything she was accused of by friends, teachers and her parents. One day I said, “I want you to simply observe yourself and just notice that you deny what you do.” Of course, her immediate response was, “I do not.” To which I laughed and said, “Notice what you just did!” I assured her that this was not an assignment to change what she did or even judge what she did, but rather to simply notice what she did. Her task was to become conscious so that she was aware of and choosing her behavior rather than operating unconsciously. From that day on, I never heard her deny her behavior again. Just the act of awareness, released her from the habit.

The more observant we are, the more we realize that there is a difference between the observed and the observer. I remember once when I had just gone through a break up with a boyfriend and was lying on the couch sobbing, I heard a little voice in my head saying, “Wow, you are really crying. You haven’t cried like this since you were a little girl.” There was no judgment of my behavior, only an observation. Even in that moment of despair, I was aware that there was a part of me that was not sobbing or even feeling my pain. It was hard to keep crying and feeling sorry for myself once I knew that there was a part of me that was not buying into my drama at all.

Remember, the first essential life skill is remembering who you really are—a powerful wise, loving, creative, connected, compassionate, spirit, —or inviting that aspect of yourself to become known. When you practice self-observation, you will begin to recognize that the part of you doing the observing is your true self. When you stop to observe your anger, you realize that the part of you doing the observing is not the same part that is angry. This is very important. Our true, authentic selves are not caught up in our ego dramas. Our true self stays calm and capable throughout everything that we go through. When we know this aspect of ourselves, or watch for it, we can learn to tap into that strength when we need it the most.

Practice self-observation, it allows us to see when we are behaving in alignment with our goals and our values, and when we are not. We notice when we are putting on a show for someone rather than aligning our behavior with the truth. We notice when we are smiling when we are actually sad, or when we say we are fine, when we are not. We may notice when we are pretending to be mad when we really aren’t, just to manipulate someone else’s behavior. Or, we may notice that we are thinking negative thoughts about ourselves, making us feel insecure. We may even notice when we are truly content, peaceful and joyful.

The goal is to begin to familiarize yourself with your authentic self, and your inauthentic self. As you learn to tell the difference, you will be better able to align your choices with who you really are and what you really want to create.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you feeling now?

Love Tip of the Week: As you become adept at practicing self-observation, you will begin to notice that your thoughts create your feelings. When you feel bad, or hurt, or angry or jealous, trace those feelings to what you are thinking. You will likely discover that your thoughts, even more so than reality, are what are creating the way you feel.