Dear Eve,
I'm a thirty-five year old woman who has been dating online. Society has taught me that I can have anything I want and do anything I want and now I am wondering if that philosophy is making me to picky. I have found on the Internet that there are so many choices that I don't know what to do. There are so many variables, it is hard to know what is important. It is really easy to dismiss someone and say, “Next.” When problems happen or quirks in their personality arise, it is easy to just move on to someone else, but I can see how easily this could become a pattern or a cop out of not wanting to deal with any issues. I'm wondering if you can help me figure out when to stay and when to run.
Aloha,
You've raised a really interesting point, in that we have access-literally at our fingertips-to people of all kinds, from all over the world. This definitely opens our eyes to all the options, but if we don't take the time to do some values clarification so that we know what is really important to us, we could easily get snared in the trap of making choices on superficial characteristics, rather than those of true substance. The reality is that everyone has quirks and traits and issues or moments that are challenging to a mate. Everyone. So, you are right, if you train yourself to run every time an issue arises, you will definitely set a pattern. On the other hand, we as a society also have the equally challenging pattern of staying in relationships way too long that are seriously unhealthy-without doing anything to improve them.
I highly recommend that you take some time to examine your values and know what it is that you want, what is important to you and what you have to offer. This extends to what kind of life you want to live-do you want to be a workaholic, to you want to have a spiritual life, do you want to travel, what do you value most? Imagine lying on your death bed looking back over your life, What kind of life would you want to review? Somehow the viewpoint from that end of life seems to offer a bit more clarity than the viewpoint from the earlier vantage point.
Then, brainstorm your list of personal values and identify the ten most important. These are your core values, and they will guide you when making decisions. Keep in mind that it is not necessarily important that you and your partner have the same values, but it is important that you have complementary values.
I often hear people say, “relationships are a lot of work,” which is true, but what they don't understand is that the work is not on the other person; it is on yourself. My “rule of thumb” when encountering things I don't like in someone else is to always start with me-is there anything I can do differently WITHIN MY VALUES SYSTEM to evoke a different experience with this person? When you truly know your values, it is much easier to do this without compromising your sense of self, or your self-respect.
Also, be aware of whether the behavior you are encountering actually affects you or interferes with your value system or lifestyle, or whether it is just your judgment that is bothering you. For instance, if you really like the guy, but don't like the way he eats or the way he flosses his teeth, notice that neither of those things actually really affect you. What is really affecting you is only your belief that he should do it a different way. On the other hand, if he is unkind, verbally or physically abusive, or drinks or gambles heavily, these behaviors have the absolute potential to affect you and violate your values. Knowing the difference is really important in deciding what to do about it-staying or running.
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What really matters to you?
Love tip of the Week: Remember that while “staying” and “running” are both options, so is “doing something different.” Always start with evaluating your own words, thoughts and actions.
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