Ask Eve Relationship Advice

Welcome To Eve's Relationship Advice Blog!

2011-07-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

The blog is designed to offer you practical, "common sense" advice that you can immediately apply to your life, relationship or circumstance to bring about a greater sense of ease, peace, freedom, joy—and love.

Eve is a relationship specialist offering life, relationship and spirituality coaching. She is a SpiritQuest Practitioner, a columnist for Spirituality and Health Magazine and web site (where additional and different Q and A can be found), the founder of The Sacred Garden on Maui and the Executive Director of the Divine Nature Alliance.

Feel free to send your questions to Eve[at]heartpath.com

Co-creation vs manifestation on Heart Talk Radio

2011-07-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

Maryanne Comaroto Raynal and Eve Eschner Hogan explore the Law of Attraction, Manifestation and the Laws of Co-Creation. On Heart Talk Radio, Eve and Maryanne repave the road less traveled and share what matters to your heart.

Exciting News....Spirituality, Health and Divine Alignment!

2011-07-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

So many of you have been so supportive of my articles and columns over the years, it is with GREAT EXCITEMENT and GRATITUDE that I share this story and announcement with you!

About six years ago, a dear friend Rev. Heather Mueller gave me a subscription to Spirituality and Health Magazine as a house warming present when we first moved to the property that is now The Sacred Garden.

I was delighted with the gift as the magazine resonated with my heart in every way. It was visually beautiful; it emanated peace through its pictures, words and even its advertisements. I never threw away a single copy, rather I kept them in out hoping to share them with anyone visiting who might be sitting with a moment to read.

And every time it happened to be me with a moment, I would pick up a copy, flip through the pages and exclaim some variation of or all of the following thoughts: "This is such a beautiful magazine," "I love this magazine." "I want to write for this magazine." I wonder how I would go about writing for this magazine." This internal commentary has been going on for six years.

In February of 2011, I was pondering the next steps of my career as this is something I do with pretty great regularity. As I pondered what was next, I realized that two large things were on my "list." One was to redo my web site and update it and the other was to get my column (that I had been writing for a local newspaper on Maui) into a national publication. I then considered some of my industry friends' websites and wondered if that was the direction I should take. I pondered several magazines that I could approach for my article. For both I came to the conclusion that I wanted the energy of my work to be "branded" with the same energy that The Sacred Garden held. I wanted to have an alignment of my work, my message and my presentation to the world.

At that point, various magazines began to flash through my head. I could feel my ego pull at the idea of "O" Magazine as every author knows what happens when Oprah is behind you. But one after the other my heart said, "No, that isn't it." Then, I remembered my Magazine Mantra for the last six years as Spirituality and Health came into the view of my mind's eyes. I felt internally at home. I felt the "yes" resonate throughout me. Yes, that is the "brand" of energy that matches my own. I held that clarity, put it in queue to pursue some day when I had some time and went to work on my normal daily routine.

A day or two later, I was sitting in The Sacred Garden behind the counter when a man came in. He walked straight to my book, How to Love Your Marriage, and picked it up. I watched and then greeted him. He looked over as if I had surprised him and said, "Are you Eve?"
I said, "yes" and he said, "You are who I came here to see."

He then walked over and plopped 4 issues of a magazine on my counter. The first thing I thought was that he wanted me to advertise in it. Then, suddenly, it registered that I was looking at THE magazine of my mantra. I picked up one of the copies of Spirituality and Health, hugged it and said, "This is my favorite magazine!" To which he replied, "My name is Paul and I own this magazine. "

I proceeded to gush (not my most controlled, professional moment, I'm sure!) and excitedly tell him the story of my Magazine Mantra. I explained that I have wanted to write for this magazine for six years but had never done anything to make that happen. He looked at me sweetly and said, "Well, apparently you have. I'm looking for a relationship columnist. That is why I'm here."

Within a matter of months my first column was submitted and accepted. I received an email at one point along the way from one of the publishers saying that, "It is our goal to have you write for our magazine." I felt like blowing up those words. How could it be that the magazine for which it was my goal to write would also have a goal of me writing for them? Divine Intervention.

SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE support Spirituality and Health Magazine and go buy a copy of the July/August Issue, or better yet get a subscription and have it delivered to your home....

AS THE JULY/AUG. ISSUE HAS MY DEBUT COLUMN IN IT!

Also, I am now blogging on their website so check it out for weekly (if not more frequent!) Q and A blogs. Feel free to send me your questions: Eve@HeartPath.com

And yes, while not quite finished, I have made major headway on updating my website HeartPath.com, so if you haven't been there recently, check it out!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!

10-10-10 A Day of Love

2010-10-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

They say on Oct. 10, 2010 more weddings were performed internationally than any other day in history. According to the NY Times, somewhere in the vicinity of 39,000 couples tied the knot in the US alone…and that is just one country! All around the world the same phenomenon happened.

I performed several of them myself. One couple I performed the marriage for both shared 110/10 as their birthday and now too their anniversary. Another couple got married after 16 years of being together. I joked with them about saying “I did” instead of “I do.”
I have to admit, at first, it sounded kind of cheesy to me and as I stood on the beach watching couple after couple flaunting their wedding attire, it seemed kind of comical.

As the officiant, I felt like yelling, “Next!” just for fun.

But as the sun set on kissing couples with cameras flashing all up and down the beach, I noticed that I was walking away from the day feeling absolutely joyful. I could feel a a tangible energetic high. I felt like we had all taken part in a historical event and rather than one about war or terrorism, the event was about love and hope and commitment and devotion.

If the theory is true that the energy expelled when a butterfly flaps its wings can impact the path of tornado faraway, one has to wonder when thousands and thousands of couples hold the intention of love on a single day, what does the energy of million kisses send across the planet?

Ah, the power of love.

Start planning, 11/11/11 is only a year away!

The Journey from the Head to the Heart

2010-06-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

I just launched a new radio show (hearttalkradio.com) with two really amazing women, Maryanne Comaroto and Kristine Carlson, sharing healing, relationship and spiritual tips to explore and guide us all along our heart paths—the ever-winding labyrinth of life.

On our show last week the topic was moving from the Head to the Heart...so here is a little more on the topic!

Let’s explore the concept of operating our lives from our heads and/or our hearts. For me this is almost the same discussion as operating from our left-brain—our analytical, logical, practical thinking mind—or our right-brain—our creative, colorful, expressive, intuitive mind. While some may argue one is better than the other, the truth is that when we have access to both, we are immensely better equipped to use our full range of capabilities—our intelligence and our intuition, our head and our gut feelings.

In my experience, when we are “in our heads,” we get cut off from our hearts. We make decisions that are based solely on the bottom line, we often miss the subtleties of human well-being, happiness, joy and spiritual growth. When we are thinking (rather than feeling), analytical, needing to be right—we get caught up in our egos and we tend to push people away.

When we are solely in our hearts—operating entirely on feelings, emotions and perhaps even desires—we can also make poor decisions and push people away. Our decisions may be based on “feels good” rather than taking the time to be sure that the relationship IS good.

We clearly need access to both to manage our highest level of ability to make wise decisions about life and love. The problem I have found, however, is that when I am in my head, I have no access to my heart. However, when I am in my heart, I can access my head. It is as if, in order to use both, one must be open-hearted, in order to be open-minded.

To me, the whole point is entwined with the concept of my intended destination. If my goal is a loving, harmonious relationship with someone else, then the steps I take, head and heart hand in hand, need to be leading toward that goal. If my steps are leading me away from that goal, chances are one or the other (head or heart) has taken the lead and I am, literally and figuratively, missing the mark.

So how do we take the journey from head to heart and then back to the head without losing the connection to one’s heart? Practice and Experiment.

1) Practice: See if you can move your attention back and forth from head to heart to feel the difference. When we are in our heads, there is often a sense of being hard. When we are in our hearts, there is often a sense of being soft. The difference may be blatant or subtle depending on your sensitivity so start by closing your eyes and intentionally getting isolating and getting acquainted with both. These two work better together than apart, but they don’t know each other well, introduce yourself to them, see if you can make them “friends.”

2) Journal: Explore a question or concern with both hands, both sides of an issue. Put a pen in your dominant hand and write down how a situation should be handled and then put the pen in your non-dominant hand and see if there is a difference. In general, your dominant hand speaks in the voice of the head (or left-brain) and your non-dominant hand speaks in the voice of your heart (or right-brain). Can one convince the other, or is there a path somewhere between the two that clearly leads toward your goal?

Once you start to feel and know the difference between your head and heart, their “voices” will literally become recognizable. When you hear your own thoughts, you will be able to identify the source of the suggestion, listen to your head and your heart, and make a wise decision taking both into your council.

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: Do you operate more from your head or from your heart?

Love Tip of the Week: Know thyself—both sides of the brain, on one hand and the other, the head and the heart—get them all on your team.

Contagious Gratitude

2009-11-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

When I walk through The Sacred Garden right after we have watered, there is a tangible energy in the air. Everything feels different. When I stop to be observant and consider what it is that I am feeling, I realize that the feeling is oozing and emanating from the plants—it feels like gratitude and joy fill the entire greenhouse. Then I discover that gratitude is contagious. I feel different. I feel joyful.

I have to then ask myself, does this lesson from the garden translate to life—and love? What if we all decided to ooze gratitude? How would our relationships be different? How would we be different?

Okay, so I can hear some of you wondering what to be grateful for. We are facing one of the most challenging economic times ever, one of the most challenged health times ever, one of the most challenged environmental times ever and simultaneously we are facing the most relationship challenged times ever. Never before have we been so poor at making relationships work. We have changed the times, the means and the technology of relationships, but we have not changed our relationship skills to match these changes. Our divorce rate and unhappy marriage rate reflect our inability.

So, in the face of all that bad news, let’s start simple.
Make a list of the 100 littlest things you can think of to be thankful for—a glass of water, a bite of sushi, petting your dog or cat, a dream-filled sleep, a beautiful sunset, the ability to read—list things that you take for granted because the blessing is so common place that you have forgotten to notice. Be sure to add the workings of your body to the list—the ability to swallow, breathe, eliminate waste, dance, walk, smile, cry, taste…

It is my belief that if you take any one of the “little” things that you are grateful for, and then move the microscope in a bit on that one thing to see all the miracles or efforts of others that had to take place in order for you to have that one thing or experience, you would have no choice but to ooze gratitude. There really are no "little" things; everything has a huge network of people or events behind it, making it so.

Take a glass of wine or sparkling juice that you might raise a toast with this Thanksgiving and microscope your awareness in to all that the people and processes that had to take place in order for you to enjoy it. The grape farmers, the wine/juice makers, the tasters, the label makers, the bottle designers, the shippers, the sellers—I’m sure I am leaving many out. If, when you raise your toast this Thanksgiving, you stop to send thanks to everyone that had something to do with every sip and every morsel that you are blessed with, you will discover miracles to be thankful for. Even if you find yourself at McDonalds this Thanksgiving, the same miraculous process holds true. We can all practice oozing gratitude, everywhere, all the time.

Einstein said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." When you see everything as a miracle, the gratitude comes flooding in—and flowing out.

Once you have the simple steps of gratitude mastered, see if you can extend the exercise into the more difficult realms. What are you grateful for in your family, friends, coworkers and sweethearts? What are you grateful for in yourself?

Then move on to the Master’s Level of Gratitude…Can you offer thanks and discover the blessing in everything you have experienced—even the death of a loved one, an illness, the loss of a job, the loss of a home or a broken relationship? Can you reach into your soul and find the lesson, the growth, the strength, or the new perspective that came from every experience and be grateful?

This is my personal exercise—can I continue to feel blessed, as if the universe is out to do me good, even when I face huge challenges and deep emotional losses? Can I ooze contagious gratitude, no matter what?

Can I walk through the greenhouse of life and “water” the world with my own joy and appreciation?
I invite you to try it too.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who in your life needs to know your gratitude?

Love Tip of the Week: Catch someone doing something right and let them know you are grateful.

What is Under the Mask?

2009-10-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

As Halloween is approaching, people are trying to figure out which costumes to wear and which personalities to adopt in answer to the question, “What are you going to be for Halloween?”

Essentially, we are trying to figure out who we are going to pretend to be. Wouldn’t it be interesting though, to ask ourselves who we are already pretending to be? Are we pretending to be happy when we aren’t really? Are we pretending to be scared, or that we know it all, or that money isn’t an issue, or that it is? Are we pretending to be in love? Are we faking our satisfaction? Are we faking our dissatisfaction for the attention it brings? Maybe a better question than who are you going to pretend to be is ‘who are you when you stop pretending?’

Our authentic soul essence gets so covered up with masks and facades (the ego’s defense mechanisms) that we often totally lose sight of who we really are and what we really want. We adapt to what we think others want, we mold ourselves to try to get love, we play so many manipulative games with people to get our needs met that we completely lose touch with our true divine essence.

When you consider the qualities of someone with high self-esteem, they are very similar to small children: confident, risk-taking, adventurous, authentic, eager to learn, happy, loving, lovable…. Children are closely aligned with their esteemed self because they haven’t yet had life experiences that have separated their egos from their spirits. Small children know their divine essence. All they do is an authentic expression of who they are.

The good news is that these qualities never go away; they just get covered up. Our access to them just gets blocked.

Let me give you a graphic analogy. Imagine that “who you really are” is a glass full of sparkling, clear, pure, bubbly water—refreshing and delightful. Then, your life experiences and the people around you begin pouring dirty, grimy motor oil into your glass. Since oil floats on water, a mucky layer of oil forms on top of your beautiful, pure effervescence. Now when you look at yourself you see the oily muck instead of the clear, refreshing water, and you begin to believe that this mucky layer is who you are. Who you really are is still there, but your access to it is blocked.

Then, because you don’t like the way this oily muck looks or feels, you begin sprinkling glitter on top. You want other people to see the glitter instead of the muck because, hopefully, they won’t hurt you more by pointing out the muck. The glitter is the world of pretention and protection—smiling when you don’t mean it, perfection, superficiality, materialism, faking, anger, control, withdrawal, even substance abuse—there are a myriad masks that we wear.

The pure, bubbly water is covered up by the oil, which is covered up by the glitter. Who you really are (your soul essence) is covered up by who you think you are (your mucky thoughts and thought-generated feelings), which is covered up by who you want everyone else to think you are (the façade you present to the world for self-protection).

The irony here is that we think our glittery ego layer will protect us or make people like us more, and maybe even make us like ourselves more. So we all go around bumping into each other, glitter to glitter or muck to muck (that is, ego to ego). And while the glittery ego layer may sometimes protect us from feeling more pain, it also “protects” us from feeling more love. Our inauthentic connections with others leave us feeling isolated and lonely. In actuality, ego, in both its damaged, mucky form and its bandaged, glittery form, is what blocks our access to self-esteem—to heart, to truth, to connection, to intimacy, to love—every time.

So this Halloween, rather than contemplating new layers that you can add, see if you can peel some layers away. Perhaps you might have a “come as you really are party”…and meet your friends for the first time, as they reveal themselves.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: The question is not, “is the cup half empty or half full” the question is, “Do you know how to fill it back up?”

Love Tip of the Week: The secret to accessing your divine essence is awareness.

Purifying our Actions…

2009-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Our egos have an interesting way of camouflaging our intentions. What may appear on the outside to be a nice gesture may actually be a self-serving ego at work. This concealment of truth not only affects those outside of us, but our ego’s motives are often equally hidden from ourselves. In other words, we often lack the self-awareness to see through our own ego games and don’t even know we are being manipulative. Then, we can’t understand why the world responds to us negatively.

Our spirit essence is all about being loved and being loving. We are here—on a spirit level— to love, learn, laugh, create and serve. Our egos, however, get the concept of being loving and being loved all confused and think that these are something we NEED to do, missing entirely the reality that we don’t “need to get/do” that which we already have and are.

Instead, the ego sets out on a mission to fulfill a perceived need love and be loved. This ego agenda, ironically, completely blocks our ability to do so with purity. Rather than just being loving and loved, we become manipulative in order to give and receive love. Our need to love others becomes a manipulative effort to control them (so that they will become lovable to us). Our need to be loved by others becomes a manipulative effort to gain approval. When we operate instead from a pure place of authenticity, people can’t help but love us and we are filled with love, understanding, empathy and compassion for them, as well.

The difference between operating from the ego or the spirit can be quite subtle and from the outside may look identical, but it doesn’t feel the same. Let’s look at this with what I call the “Tissue Issue.”

When someone is crying and we offer them a tissue, we can do so from our own ego-need for control, in which case the simple act of offering a tissue can actually (energetically) say, "Stop crying...I'm uncomfortable with your tears...." Our ego wants them to stop so that we can more easily love them.

Or, if we offer it from our need for approval, the tissue can really say, "Aren't I wonderful and caring? Notice how loving I am." In this case, we are not really the caretaker, rather we are hoping that the crying person will then acknowledge us (taking care of our need for approval). This will satisfy the ego’s need for love.

Or, we can offer a tissue from a place of authentic purity in which there is no expectation or need for the person to stop, and no need for acknowledgement. This is the purified state of authentic living, doing what needs to be done without an ego agenda of manipulation.

When I walked the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral, I unexpectedly found myself sobbing overwhelmed with the devotion of 800 years of people walking the labyrinth and the amazing effort of those who built the labyrinth (and the cathedral). As I sat in the center sobbing, I saw an anonymous set of shoes move past me and suddenly there was a much needed tissue on my knee. The tissue said neither "stop crying", nor "look at me." It was simply a pure offering of love and a practical solution to a need with no ego attached.

I share this with an invitation to practice the concept of self-observation and inquiry. Begin to notice what you are doing, saying and thinking and begin the process of awareness as to the motive. Ask yourself, Is this about my need for approval or control? is this pure/authentic? Notice that it may not at all be the action that is the problem, but the source of the action that needs to switch.

Often, the action or words used may end up being exactly the same, but when the energy motive from which they come is different, the action is received very differently, as well.

I invite you to become adept at what I call the Five Essential Life Skills* as a means of getting back to center when they are out of alignment.
The five skills, in a nutshell, are
1) Remember who you really are (spirit/love),
2) Self-Observe (what are you doing, saying, thinking, imagining?),
3) Let go of that which you aren't (The ego needs of approval and control)
4) Realign with your authentic self and
5) Choose actions in alignment (with who you really are and what you are trying to create.)

As you practice this level of self-mastery, you will begin to notice the world responding to you differently. Ironically, the ego camouflages our false motives (control/approval), and underneath those is actually the pure motive of love. It is time to purify our actions.

**I have a longer description of these 5 skills on my blog www.AskEveAdvice.com (look on the right hand side and it will show you where) if you are interested. My books, "Way of the Winding Path," and "How to Love Your Marriage" both speak to these as well.

Why a Mother Shrine?

2009-09-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

When I tell people that I have a Mother Shrine at The Sacred Garden, sometimes they look at me like, “Why? What? A Mother Shrine?” So indoctrinated are we into the Heavenly Father concept that the concept of a Heavenly Mother image seems foreign or pagan or….weird. But let me tell you my why.

In the little picture, on my personal level,
Prior to my mom’s passing, she lost all ability to speak and write. While I cared for her I had to learn to listen to her beyond words. As she was in the process of dying and I was devastated at losing contact with her, I suddenly realized that there would be no difference. The way she and I had had to learn to communicate was the same way God communicates with us—through images, dreams, intuition, ideas, signs… Mom and I spent a full year prior to her death learning to communicate that way. She had been teaching me the language of God.

When my mom died I had a sense of her merging with God. God became very personal rather than bigger than life and I felt heard and loved in a way that I had not experienced before. I had a knowing of my prayers landing on ears that were listening.

On Mother’s Day, I wanted to honor her so I set up a Mother Shrine and pulled out all the images of God as Mother that I had in my home. Much to my surprise, I discovered I had quite a few. When Mother’s Day passed, I just didn’t want to disassemble the shrine, so I gave it a permanent home. Thus, The Mother Shrine at The Sacred Garden was born.

While that is how it started, I have since discovered the big picture level….
Our modern religions have focused on God in the form of the masculine, even to the point of denying any feminine aspect of God. Prayers are masculine both when referring to the Divine and the devotee. Women are denied priesthood in many religions, etc. So, for the female aspirant, this is problematic. If God is a male, and the predominant means of getting to God is delegated to males and all our prayers are in the masculine, it becomes very difficult for the girl/woman to feel like she is a part of this divine plan.

What I have discovered from praying in a Mother Shrine is a distinct difference that emerges than solely praying in a Father-based shrine and it stems from our cultural gender beliefs. While we think that we were made in the image and likeness of God, I tend to think that we have created our image of God in the likeness of us. In our society, the father is the protector, problem solver, provider and disciplinarian and the mother is the nurturer, caretaker, and healer. When we, as a society pray to a father image we tend to focus our prayers on asking for things (from the provider), asking for God to keep us safe (the protector), get us out of a mess we are in (the problem solver) and believe that God should be feared (the punisher). Somehow when we pray to a Father God, we ask for things to come to us from the outside in, like we might of our actual physical father.

When we pray to the mother image of God, there is a distinct difference, at least for me. I offer my gratitude for the love and nurturing that I am receiving and for the beauty that surrounds me. I do not ask for things, I ask for qualities—compassion, kindness, wisdom, love and strength. I don’t ask for things from the Mother, I ask to be like the Mother. I ask for compassion and gentleness with others and myself. I ask to embody the healing qualities of Tara, the compassion and caring of Quan Yin, the nurturing and amazing perseverance and strength of Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, I ask for the ability to see abundance all around me from Lakshmi, I ask for the discernment, strength and loyalty of Kali and Durga who protect their loved ones with the fierceness of a mother lion. When I pray to a Mother God, I feel love. When I pray to a Mother God, I ask for things from the inside, out. Maybe this is just a “girl thing” but in any case, it is powerfully different for me.

One does not replace the other, nor is one better than the other. I just like being the child of both the masculine and the feminine and being included, as a female child, in the Holy arrangement.

The Deep End of Life

2009-08-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

We placed our kayak into the water and began paddling with all our might to get out past the breakers over the reef. I fought my fear of flipping over at the same time as I fought my desire to look up at the majestic cliffs that towered to our left. Instinctively, I knew that one look up at the wrong moment could cause us to “huli” and tipping our kayak over in the surf, on the reef, just did not sound like a good way to start our trip down the Na Pali coast of Kauai. Especially, because I wasn’t sure how to get back in the kayak once out—a detail in retrospect that might have been wise to practice before leaving.

Just past the first challenge of the reef in deeper and slightly less treacherous waters, I looked ahead at the 16 miles of stunning, rugged, and otherwise inaccessible coastline that stretched before us. It was then that I realized that we had jumped headfirst into the deep end of life.

While it wasn’t exactly like being “up a creek without a paddle”, because well, we had paddles, it meant virtually the same thing. We had about 12 miles to go to reach our first destination, I hadn’t been kayaking in over three years, never in rough seas, and never ever in a place where there was no where to go ashore.

While some might understandably call this stupid, I didn’t realize the stupidity until I was in the midst of 4-6 foot confused seas that came in from the right, bounced off the cliffs and relentlessly rebounded at us from the left with 25 knot winds hitting us from the back. It somehow never occurred to me—until then—that this was dangerous. It never occurred to me that we could be in “over our heads.” It never occurred to me that maybe I should have WORN my life jacket instead of using it as a backrest.

Somehow, growing up going to Disneyland gave me a skewed view of life. One in which I wander though adventures saying, “Wow, this is just like Disneyland,” only to be corrected by my husband who reminds me while in a submarine, or river rafting, or zip-lining, “No, Eve, Disneyland is just like this.” But, hello, here we were and there we no seatbelts and no tracks and this was definitely NOT like Disneyland.

I also hadn’t realized the relationship skills that would be required, since my husband and I were literally “in the same boat.” We had to get in sync and we had to do it fast. We had, oh say, maybe 30 seconds to figure out how to steer together before we reached those first waves, after that, we had to trust each other, communicate, agree on where we would and would not go and paddle in sync for about six hours as we went in and out of sea caves, under a water fall, past giant green sea turtles and spinner dolphins, under soaring white-tailed Tropic birds, down one of the most beautiful coastlines in the entire world.

Had you asked me at the end of that day, after we had worried about friends who had flipped over and struggled with a water-logged boat, after we had overshot our destination and had to turn around with arms and backs already spent and paddle back into the wind and waves for nearly an extra hour to get to shore safely, after we got fried by the intense Hawaiian sun, if I would ever do it again, I would have said no. Had I known, I may not have gone at all. But now, that a few days have passed and one of my long-time dreams has been checked off my “bucket list,” after four days of camping with great friends and seeing few other people, after seeing thousand foot cliffs by moonlight, silhouetted by more stars than I’d ever seen at one time in my whole life, after being revitalized under a pristine waterfall, now that are back in safe harbor, I would have to say yes.

The deep end of life is where the action is. The deep end is where you learn to sink or swim, where you learn to become self-reliant, resilient and relentless. This is where you stretch who you are and become comfortable being uncomfortable. The deep end is where life’s best memories are made and the treasure of great stories are created.

Note: These pics were taken a year prior...in the weather we were EXPECTING....

First Date Fears

2009-08-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve
I think I have a serious problem. I am twenty-four years old and I have never been on a date. I am going on one in a week and do not want to screw up. I have been looking for this woman for a long time. We connect writing to each other and we feel the same way about each other. What can I do that will spark interest but not scare her off?
Can you give me advise on this? Please help me!

Hi....
Congratulations on your upcoming date! It sounds like you have already sparked her interest, now, take a deep breath and relax. The more relaxed you are, the more yourself you are, the easier your date will be. Everyone has to start somewhere—and I’ve gotten this same question from people in their fifties— so instead of thinking that "you have a serious problem" or that something is wrong with you (which is a difficult mindset to feel confident with), reframe your thinking to honor that you waited until you were ready to start dating. Also, while “past baggage from previous relationships” is one of the world’s biggest complaints, you can feel confident that your lack of experience could actually be a welcomed thing.

The biggest challenge I see facing you is not being so anxious for a relationship that you create one where one should not be. Remember—this is a date not the date. Try not to put pressure on yourself for it to be perfect. You will have a lot of dates in your future, so just look at this as a fun opportunity to get together with someone whose company you (hopefully) enjoy and it will be fine. Control your expectation that she is the one that you’ve been searching for, because until you've spent some time together—in person—you won't know that for sure. If you expect to meet a friend and it turns out to be more, you will be pleasantly surprised. If you expect your soul mate and it turns out to be only a friend, you will be disappointed.

The most likely thing to “scare her off” is if you come across as if you are sure she is “the one” and start planning your future together before you could possibly know. She wants to know that it is her you are in love with, not your imagined version of her.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when they meet online is they build the relationship by sharing deeply through communication, discussing their hopes and dreams and then they get face to face and suddenly don't talk anymore. When a relationship is developed through deep communication, it is really important to keep that level of communication going.

Continue to ask and answer questions. Before your date, think of some of topics that you would like to explore based on what is important to you and what you already know about her. It is okay to revisit old conversations that you wrote about now that you are face-to-face. You can even say, "You said in your emails that you like to go sailing. What kind of sailing have you done?" Repeating what you read shows you were "listening" and paying attention, asking questions shows your interest and curiosity. Be prepared to answer your own question. "I've done some sailing, but not a lot. One time I sailed in a race... All you are really doing is transforming the written into the verbal and visual.

Don't be afraid to tell her the truth...."I'm sorry if I seem a little uncomfortable, honestly, I've been so busy with school...(or whatever) that I haven't really dated much....." By letting her know what is truly going on with you, she will likely be more supportive of any discomfort or lulls in conversation. People are quite understanding when what they understand is the truth.
Let me know how it goes!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How old were you on your first date?

Love Tip of the Week: There is nothing more romantic than someone who sees the real you and loves you—no matter whether you stutter and stumble, or whether you are suave and sophisticated. The key to love like this is showing them the real you. Be authentic. (Here is a hint: You’ll have to let down your ego shield to do it.)

No Baggage...No Woman...What Gives?

2009-08-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I am 37, divorcing in about two weeks, and totally ready to move on along this glorious journey called "life"! I am upbeat, positive, confident, intellectual, forthright, honest, and not addicted to beer, drugs, or sports. I have no kids, and no "baggage." I have a good job and endless possibilities in my future. The problem seems to be that women appreciate that from afar, but will only get but so close—then they run off with some derelict with no job, no mind, and no hope, or accuse me of things I am not doing, just because "all guys are like ‘that.’" Am I just swimming in a "pool of fools", or is there something that I'm doing wrong?
Thanks in advance,
Confused

Aloha Confused,
If you are as wonderful as you say, then I can only assume that one of the biggest challenges you face currently is that you are still married and at minimum, a woman encountering you right now might fear that you are “on the rebound” and not emotionally or physically truly available. She might also fear that you seem to take divorce lightly with your “quick to move on attitude” which translates roughly to “Oh well, no biggie...” (An unfair assessment with so little information, I know.)

One of the ultimate challenges to answering questions like “Am I doing something wrong?” is that it could be something as simple as needing to brush your teeth or as complex as needing to be truly available before anyone you date will be available to you. There is no way I can assess the details without talking with you more.

I suggest you take a careful self-assessment that goes beyond the wonderful qualities that you have listed. Is there anything that you are doing that puts you in a category of “all the other guys”? You might even want to ask a female friend for her honest assessment of what she sees that might be pushing women away. In fact, what is your wife saying? While most of us want to make our spouse wrong as we go through a divorce, it is possible that she has some valid information that could serve you if you are willing to listen and consider it as the truth of someone else’s observation.

To say you have “no baggage” in the same breath as saying you are getting divorced in two weeks makes me want to ask a whole bunch of questions about why you are getting divorced and how you feel about it. I’d also ask, how long you have been assessing women’s interest in you—as a married man?

In the Book of Common Sense (which I just made up!), it would be unwise for a woman to get closer than just “so close” to a guy who is still married. If by saying that they “will only get so close” you really mean that they won’t have sex with you, you need to ask yourself what you are actually offering them. You are a married man and as such you are likely not looking for a long-term committed relationship or offer monogamy. You probably can’t receive phone calls when you are at home, or spend the night after being intimate or go on vacation. You are probably not able to acknowledge a lover’s role in your life nor able to show affection publicly. Let’s be honest here: you are not ready to go beyond just “so close” yourself. From my vantage point it would appear they are trying to avoid being foolish—and fooled.

It could also be the type of woman that you are attracted to or the type of woman who is willing to date you while you are married that poses your problem. So, ask yourself what attracts you to a woman and see if you are unconsciously choosing women who are all of a certain type. It may indeed be that you need to swim in a different pond, but if you don’t honestly assess yourself first, your challenges will surely follow you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you being fair in your expectations of others?

Love Tip of the Week: When trying to figure out what is going wrong, always look first to your own choices. New choices will undoubtedly yield different results.

Sex Without Responsibility? Not.....

2009-08-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I’ve been married thirty years. My wife has several health ailments, because of which our love style has changed. We are no longer having sex.

I’m in very good health, approaching my sixties and am not ready to stop having romance. I don't want to leave my wife as she needs me and we’re good partners. She has consented to me finding someone to have some intimacy with. I would tell the other person right away to be sure this would work for them. However, if there is someone out there in the same situation, looking for just a romantic friend with no strings attached that would be great.

We both realize this is somewhat of a gamble, but in life you have to take chances and we have thirty years of understanding. Am I looking at a pipe dream or is this possible?

Aloha,
While I am certain that there are other people in similar situations, and that this scenario is physically possible, there are several issues that need to be thought through before you proceed.

Let’s start with semantics. While it is romantic to think this is a “romance” issue, you are talking about sex. Romance is sharing the mysteries and celebrating the beauty of life. Romance feeds love. There is no reason you can’t still be romantic with your wife. Sex is another issue. I am pointing this out about this because, it is important you are really clear about what you are planning on sharing with someone else. Are you looking to start up a romantic relationship—one that includes looking deep into each other’s eyes, holding hands, calling each other all the time, etc. or are you looking for someone to have sex with—or both?

There are a lot of couples (a lot more than most of us think) that are having sexual encounters with people other than their spouses—with their spouse’s knowledge and blessing. So, obviously, it can work. However, it isn’t always as simple as one might hope.

In your case, if you and your wife were monogamous for thirty years, I can guarantee this isn’t likely to be comfortable emotionally—even if logically it makes sense to both of you. After thirty years, I’m guessing you don’t have a clue how to go about having sex without romance, love and commitment (strings). It may not be in your D.N.A.

Here are some scenarios to consider: Your wife says, “go for it,” thinking that it isn’t fair that her physical condition is keeping you from having a satisfying sex life. Then, when you do, she suddenly feels jealous, betrayed, and abandoned. She compares herself to this new woman and starts thinking that for the last thirty years, this type of woman is what you have really wanted and starts questioning everything. She didn’t expect to feel this way, nor did you, but there it is—emotionally deep and murky waters.

Or, you think you can have sex with no strings attached. You start having intimate encounters with someone who has agreed to this scenario, but since sex also tends to “make love,” you suddenly find yourself falling in love with this other woman and wanting to spend more and more time with her.

Or, she starts falling in love with you and wanting more. Suddenly there are strings attached, what do you do?

Or, you are happily having sex with this other woman and going home to your wife. Do you talk about it? Do you do it quietly behind her back? Now that she has given her blessings, is she going to be constantly wondering and suspicious?

There are undoubtedly other people who are in a similar situations. Hey, there may even be a web site for making matches just like these, but before you leap, you and your wife need to really be sure you can navigate the floodwaters that may rise.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Have you considered how you would feel if the tables were turned?

Love Tip of the Week: Strings are attached to everything. They are called “responsibility.”

Trained for Love

2009-06-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

I just got the world’s most adorable puppy and since he is destined to be BIG…(and I mean GIANT big because he is a St. Bernard Rotweiller/ mix with, at 8-weeks old, paws as large as my own hands) I figure I better start training him now. As I read article after article on dog training, the funny part is the realization that I am the one being trained. The dog is just “following my lead.” Literally. As I change my behavior, he changes his.

I can’t help but think that people follow our lead too—for everything from how to treat us to how to live with us to how to love us. Wouldn’t the same dog training logic—changing what we do to illicit a certain response—do wonders when we are raising children or establishing a relationship?

First of all, dogs need to know what is expected of them and we, as “owners,” need to be consistent. Isn’t that true of people, too? This is not as simple as it sounds. in order to let others know what we want, we have to know ourselves.

Last night, I laid down on the floor to play with the puppy and he climbed on top of me—which is exactly what I wanted him to do; it was adorable. That is until I fast-forwarded in my mind to his destined-to-be-150+-pound-body and realized immediately that I had just let him be “top dog.” Someday, that would surely come back to haunt me if I didn’t stop immediately. The dog was not “wrong” for climbing on top of me, I was wrong for letting him. I was, essentially “training” him (poorly) with my behavior.

When we are confused, inconsistent or misguided ourselves, we confuse or misguide others (canine and human) who are looking to us for direction. It was a bit of a rude awakening when I realized that I had “trained” my husband in exactly the same misguided manner. I inadvertently communicated to him that he didn’t have to do dishes by jumping up to get them from him every time he went to take them to the sink. After he heard me say, “Oh let me get those,” 100 times as I took them off his hands, he was officially trained by me that I am the household dishwasher. He probably even thought that I wanted it that way due to my insistence. (This is really “funny” when you hear yourself blame your spouse for something that in reality you were responsible for creating—sigh.)

In my reading I also discovered that dogs feel insecure when they don’t know what is expected of them. They want to know the rules. Apparently, any lack of consistency and guidance from me could cause my adorable little puppy to have anxiety and stress. The same is true with the people in our lives. Our own clarity, consistency and confidence actually relieve stress in those wishing to be in a relationship with us. The clearer we are, the easier it is for them to love us—and be loved by us.

To me, it represented my own growth in asserting how I expected to be treated when I was clear with the pup that biting me was not okay. I know for sure that a couple of years ago I would have just let him bite me to pieces thinking he was just “playing.” I have had to learn to assert the same boundaries in some of my personal relationships with people, too.

The funny thing here is it isn’t so much what I say as what I do that communicates my expectations to the pup. Isn’t it true that we find myriad ways to communicate to people what we will tolerate that speak even louder than our words? People—and dogs—only treat us the way we allow them to. The clearer our boundaries are about what is okay with us, the more respectful and responsive they are.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you training the people in your life to treat you?

Love Tip of the Week: How you behave determines how others behave toward you. Big love requires big responsibility—to learn to behave so that others will, too.

A Question of Love

2009-05-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, “Which direction do I go from here?” He responded with another question, “It depends, where do you want to be?” Alice, thinking for a moment said, “I guess it really doesn’t matter.” To which the Cheshire Cat replied with a grin, “Then it doesn’t really matter which way you go.”

Much like trying to “get there” without knowing where it is that we want to go, we spend our entire lives searching for answers, but seldom do we really stop to consider that perhaps we haven’t been asking the right questions.

As the author of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be, you can imagine that I am an extreme advocate of asking questions of the people you are dating (or considering dating) as a means of determining whether you have anything in common and establishing a firm foundation for a relationship. The unfortunate reality is that many of us tend to ask more questions about a car we are buying or a house than we typically do about a guy or gal we are going to be intimate with—one whom we may become parents with, or vow our entire lives to.

One of the challenges reported to me is the concern that the questions go both ways, “If I ask them questions, they will ask me questions. I don’t know what to say.” Sometimes we don’t want to answer questions or reveal aspects of ourselves due to unresolved shame or embarrassment over things that have happened or choices that we have made, but often it is just a lack of self-awareness that causes us to be unsure of what to say.

Consequently, I am also an extreme advocate of self-inquiry and self-awareness. Asking questions of yourself and seeking the answers through meditation, contemplation, journal work, dream work or conversations will all guide you to a deeper understandng of yourself. Intimacy, in-to-me-see, is enhanced with deeper communication. A deeper look into yourself is required in order to share yourself more deeply with another.

The art of questioning actually seems to be a theme throughout the ages, and throughout the sages. The Benjamin Disraeli, a British Prime Minister said, "The fool wonders, the wise man asks." Businessman Claude Levi-Strauss said, "The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions." Voltaire said, “Judge people not by their answers, but by their questions.” And Decouvertes said, “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” Albert Einstein urged us with his thoughts, “The important thing is to never stop questioning.”

Some of the sages were kind enough to help us pose the questions, Ramna Maharshi urged society to ask, “Who am I?” James Twyman, author of Troubadour of Peace, suggested, “"How would you act and what would you do if you knew you were the Emissary of love?" and one of my favorites was from Martin Luther King Jr., ““Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” And from yours truly, “The question isn’t whether the glass is half-empty or half-full, rather do you know how to fill it back up?”

I invite you to begin (or continue) a personal practice of self-inquiry. Feel free to start simple rather than tackling the big questions that have haunted humankind since the beginning of time. Just start with tackling the moment and simply noticing, What am I doing, saying and thinking right now? Then, move on to: What do I love? What do I stand for? What are my non-negotiable issues in a relationship—(the things I must have, or must not have)? Do my thoughts serve me or hinder me? Do I know my beliefs are true? The more you know yourself, the more authentic you will be. The more authentic you are, the more loved.
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are the key questions that, if we asked them, would lead us to peace, love, and happiness?

Love Tip of the Week: Ask others questions not to find out if their answers are right or wrong; ask just to find out who they are. Their answers are right for them. Your job is to determine if they are right for you.

What is Your Soul Purpose??

2009-05-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I attended a workshop on Awakening your Soul Purpose. While I was there in part as a facilitator, I was also attending as a participant to get a better understanding of the process. At the end of the workshop the facilitator bounced around the room seeking the answer to the question, Who are you? And the participants eagerly offered up their powerful statements of soul purpose—why they are here and what they are here to do in the world.

One ten year old boy stood up in a room full of adults and shared that his soul purpose, “I am a powerful being of light, here to uplift and inspire others…” He went on to share how at school, if someone teases him, he simply remembers who he really is and thinks, “How can that be true? I am a powerful being of light….”

As I listened, I couldn’t help but wonder how awesome it would be if the whole world were equipped with a deep knowing of who we are, and why we are here. Can you imagine when you were enduring the trials and tribulations of being a teenager, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt who you are? How differently our lives would have been!

It is said that in Africa, in a certain tribe, when a woman is pregnant she and her friends gather to pray and listen for the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration and as they listen, they discover the unborn child’s personal song. As the child grows up, the villagers sing the song to the child to remind him or her of who they really are. When someone does something wrong, the whole village gathers around them and sings them their soul song to get them back on track. They realize that when someone really knows/remembers their soul purpose, they behave very differently than when they forget. Simply punishing them merely reinforces the memory lapse. Instead, they sing the song to fill the person with love and reconnect them with the truth. The village takes responsibility for helping each other remember who they really are.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what your soul purpose is? If not, I encourage you to take a deeper look. What are your passions? What are your roles? What are your gifts and talents? What are your interests? What do you love? As my friend and mentor Joel Roberts says, What has your life been a perfect laboratory for? What themes do you see in the course of your life?

One of our homework assignments was to send an email to 20 people asking them to reflect to us what they saw in us, what they thought our talents and gifts were, what they felt we were here to do. This was a powerful experience as emails came in from long time friends, new friends, family, clients, and associates sharing what they saw. I encourage everyone to do this exercise. If it seems scary to you, it may be a sign that you need to realign with your soul purpose. Perhaps it is time to go into silence and listen for the song of your soul to be revealed—or replayed, so that you know that what others see is exactly what you are authentically sending out to the world. (If you have an interest in a Soul Purpose workshop, let me know!)

By all means, when you figure it out, tell the ones who love you about your soul purpose mission so that if you fall off the path, or your soul goes back to sleep, your “village” can sing to you and wake you back up to your mission.

So…it only seems fitting that I share with you mine, just in case:
“I am a protector of love and an instrument of peace. As I authentically walk my heart path, I guide others to unleash the wisdom of their own spirits. The Divine is the destination, and the journey. Compassion lights the way.”
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When you think you are a sinner, it is natural to sin. When you know you are divine, sinning is totally unnatural. Align your words, thoughts and actions with the truth of your spirit.

I Surrender

2009-04-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I am so frustrated I feel like giving up. I am struggling in so many areas of my life. My relationship is sort of “so so,” nothing horrible, but nothing to write home about either. I’m barely making it financially cause business has dropped off so much at work. Every time I turn around there is something else that happens, something else that needs my attention, some other problem. I feel like I can never get ahead. It isn’t so much like there is one awful thing happening, just a bunch of little things that are piling up and I’m not so sure I can take it. Really, I surrender. I don’t even have a question for you. I guess I just want you to convince me to hang in there. Thanks.

Aloha,
First of all, take a deep breath and tune into what is actually happening right now. Breathe again. So often when we slip into this level of overwhelm, it is when we look toward the future and try to handle all of time simultaneously—which is impossible. The result is serious overwhelm, frustration and despair. Instead, realize that all you can handle and all you need to handle is what is happening right now.

Most of us think the word “Surrender” means that we have succumbed to defeat, that we have allowed another (or circumstances) to win and thus, ourselves to loose. But surrendering can be a far more empowering act if we switch the way we look at it. Rather than “giving up” we can choose to surrender as an act of “offering up.”

In my experience, when I truly surrender my belief that I know, or I control, or it has to be my way, and offer it up to a higher source of power than my ego mind can manage, I am able to switch into acceptance and allowance, and peace becomes all-pervading instead of struggle. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I encourage you to recognize that there is a higher source of power within you than the ego mind (that is usually in charge of problems). As we align more and more with our authentic selves, we are better able to access our intuition, our wisdom and ability to identify solutions rather than just dwell on the problems.

Now, take another deep breath and let’s get practical. Another thing that makes us go into overwhelm is inaction. We leave things exactly the way they are, complain about them, blame other people for them, and allow the situation to work us into despair when really one action can make a huge difference and help us to get unstuck. It is hard to believe how huge of an impact one small action can make, but let’s take a look.

Let’s start with your relationship. The good news is that according to your own assessment, there is nothing horrible happening. So bumping a so-so relationship up to a good one, and then up to a great one may not take much effort at all. Let me ask you this: If you could do one thing that would spark your relationship up a level, like say 5% more fun, what would it be? What would happen if you made a point of hugging your partner when he/she got home from work? What would happen if you put down whatever else you were doing and showed genuine interest in your partner’s day? What would happen to your relationship if you reached out and initiated intimacy with your partner? What if you called during the day to just say hello? What if you planned and went on a date?

You may find that the same is true in every area of your life. Just start with one action in the direction you want the situation to move.

So often I hear people express their despair and a desire to give up only to discover that “just around the next bend” there is a much happier, healthier scenario. So avoid making permanent decisions for temporary problems and yes, definitely hang in there.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is one thing you can do, in each area of your life, that would make it work better?

Love Tip of the Week: Sometimes the simplest action is choosing gratitude. Being thankful has a funny way of turning things around.

Handling Life’s Twists and Turns

2009-04-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

I find myself again and again feeling called upon to provide guidance in the arena of “self-strengthening.” Whether it is in private coaching or casual conversations, I keep hearing a theme in our society: a lack of belief in our own resilience to survive—the economy, a divorce, illness, death, loss, tragedy, difficulty or even simply change, good or bad.

This simply must change. We must take it upon ourselves to discover whatever it is we need to know, whatever it is we need to do, whoever it is we need to be, to see us through difficult times in a healthy, productive way.

One of the means that I have found for my own self-strengthening practice is walking the labyrinth. As a facilitator I guide people on labyrinth walks as a path of self-discovery. The process is a metaphor for taking a pilgrimage, but rather than journeying outward, the exploration is internal. A labyrinth is not a maze, instead it consists of a single path that leads to the center—the sacred destination. The same path leads you back out.

One of the ways that the labyrinth works for self-discovery is through metaphor. Whatever one experiences while walking the labyrinth is what, metaphorically, one needs to look at in his or her life.

As you walk you will encounter twenty-eight 180-degree turns, both going in and coming out. Paying special attention to how you feel as you encounter the turns can reveal a lot to you about how you deal with change. Often people share that they didn’t like the turns, that the turns emerged just as they were getting their rhythm. Or they share that the turns made them feel “off balance.” Metaphorically, this is usually true-to-life in terms of what they are going through outside of the labyrinth.

I have found that by the time most people get through twenty or thirty turns, they begin to “make friends” with the turns. They start spinning and dancing on the turns and noticing who they come face-to-face with; in other words, they start finding creative ways of managing the turns as they begin to recognize that the turns (changes) are inevitable and that the only way past them is through them. Often they even start looking forward to them. For some, the turns become the “fun part,” breaking up the monotony of walking in a single direction.

There is something to be learned from this process as it relates to our relationships and our lives. Since we know that we will inevitably encounter turns and changes in our relationships, in our spouses, and in ourselves, achieving a sense of acceptance, rather than resistance, about these changes will serve us greatly. And although we can aim to minimize some changes—by staying fit, eating healthfully, communicating honestly and regularly, and maintaining intimacy—many changes are not within our control. Thus, our ability to choose how we respond to the changes becomes imperative.

What usually causes us the most pain when we come to the 180-degree turns in relationships are (1) attachment to expectations or dreams of what we wanted, and (2) fear of the unknown and made-up stories about what is yet to come. In other words, our attachment to the past and our expectations for the future (projections both good and bad), throw us off balance in the present.

Whether you choose to discover more about the ways you encounter and deal with change by walking a labyrinth or simply by paying attention to your current behavior and patterns, I invite you to take the time to notice.

See if you can adopt an attitude of excitement over the new direction. Make it a habit to offer thanks to Spirit for everything and trust that the opportunity (for growth, for love, for strength, for forgiveness, compassion, understanding, etc.) will be revealed to you.

Change and challenge are inevitable. We need to make our trust in our ability to handle those changes and challenges equally, if not moreso, certain.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you welcome change or resist it?

Love Tip of the Week: The root of Emergency is Emergence. Always look for the emergent blessing in every experience, change and challenge.

Affair or Marriage—Which Way to Go?

2009-04-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hello Eve
I am in a marriage that has been falling apart for some years now. My husband has had many affairs. Two years ago I began having an affair with an old boyfriend who is also married and unhappy. I'm staying in my marriage for financial reasons; he stays with his wife because of his kids. I feel this is no excuse for either of our actions, but he tells me he loves me and I love him, too. I don't know what to do; I'm so confused. I shouldn't be doing this. I’m insecure!!! This the reason why I cling to him— he accepts me in all ways—my weight, everything. I need help!!!

Aloha,
I invite you to consider that it isn't your sweetheart or your husband that needs to "accept you in all ways," it is YOU. As you are happy with and accepting of yourself, the world will treat you differently. You are letting your "happiness/security compass" be an external reference (your husband, your lover) rather than using your inner-self and your connection to Spirit/God as your guide—your internal reference.

One of the biggest things that blocks our self-love is when we are behaving outside of integrity. This causes extreme discomfort and guilt and makes it hard to feel good about ourselves. It becomes a downward cycle. The more insecure we are the more out of integrity we get. The more out of integrity we are, the more insecure we get. It is time to do some self-strengthening and self-loving exercises.

Ask this: Where is this leading? Do you imagine that you will really leave your spouses to be together? Are you happier having the affair or does it create more difficulty for you? How long are you going to continue this way? If you left your husband, and your lover did NOT leave his wife, what would you do? Is there a happy ending ahead or are you both avoiding doing what you need to do to truly be happy (whether that be staying with your spouses or leaving)?

Sometimes we blame things like money for staying, when in actuality, that is just an excuse. I invite you to really ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage. You may find that it really is because of fear or money or embarrassment or you may find that you are unwilling to let go of the possibility that you and your husband can actually love each other in a healthy way.

Do a bit more soul searching. If you had the money, would you leave right now? No? If the kids were on their own, would you move out right now? Start peeling back the layers of your reasons and excuses to see if you can unveil the truth. If indeed, you would leave right now if it weren't for the money... recognize that no one wants to be used for money and no one feels good about letting money rule their decisions. Do everyone a favor and do something different.

Once you decide that you really want to leave, you will see options for solving the money problem. I just don't think you are convinced that you have truly done all you can do to make your marriage work—starting with enhancing your own self-esteem.

I encourage you to read "How to Love Your Marriage." Even if you decide to leave your husband, the book will guide you in loving yourself and prepare you with skills and tools that will assist you in all relationships. If being self-directed through reading is not "your thing," then I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist who can help guide you to make new choices that are in alignment with your integrity and your goals.
I wish you the best...
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay question of the week: Why are you really staying in the situation you are in?

Love Tip of the Week: When the universe can find no other way to help us to forgive or understand the actions of others, we find ourselves in the midst of the same situation or drawn to the same temptation. There is nothing like this experience to lead us to compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Recession Proof Your Love Life

2009-03-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

Nationally we are facing what many are calling the worst recession in the last 100 years. And yet, when you really think about it, most of us have experienced a myriad 'personal recessions" for numerous reasons. Whether it was from personal illness or that of a family member, investing in technology that swiftly became defunct, losing a job, having a marriage fall apart or being caught in a hurricane or other natural disaster.

While this global recession is unique in that so many of us are "in the same boat" so to speak, one thing can be sure: When this challenging time passes, and it will, each of us will have to face more challenges, whether regional, national, global, or personal.

Just like our finances go through challenges and threats, both circumstantial and self-inflicted, so do our relationships.

We can be cruising along, reasonably content with the sweetness of our love lives when something major happens that sends us reeling, everything from illness to infidelity to mood swings to death.

So, since that is a known reality, the question is, what are you doing to self-strengthen? What are you doing to make yourself and your love life "recession proof?" What are you doing to be sure you are able to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move boldly toward whatever is next?

Things will likely always come our way that will knock us off our feet, but the key is to be sure we don't stay down for the count. We need to be able to pick ourselves back up again and get back in the game.

So, how do we self-strengthen?
Start paying attention to your language to see if the things you say to others and things you say to yourself are serving and strengthening you. You may hear yourself saying things like, "I can’t live without…." Or "I need…." Or "This is to die for….." (rather than "This is to live for!")

It is remarkable that even the lyrics to songs that we listen to (over and over) pummel our brains with defeated belief systems. Much of our music features codependent relationships feeding the mentality that, "I have nothing to live for without you in my life." Be sure that the messages you are telling yourself are serving you rather than serving to defeat you. While you are at it, watch out for the use of words like "always," "never," "everyone" and "no one." These generalizations are rarely ever true and usually only serve to feed our fear and sense of defeat.

Identify your values and strengths. Pay attention to what you do right. We tend to spend far more time "beating ourselves up" for our shortcomings and weakening ourselves emotionally than building our strengths. Then, we go out into the world from this weakened state and try to create powerful results. In difficult times it is imperative that we not only know our strengths and talents, but are also able to draw upon them to help us get through.

At the end of each day either make a mental note, or actually make a list of what you did right that day. While you are at it, make a list of what you are thankful for as we also spend a lot of time thinking about what is wrong in our lives, rather than what is right.

Strategize for your success. Many of us just watch what happens in our lives and react or respond accordingly. However, if you listen to the most successful people, most of them actually put systems and strategies in place to achieve their goals. This means making a plan of action. Inactivity in difficult times is what makes us feel stuck.

Breathe. As silly as that sounds, we have a tendency to hold our breath when difficult things happen. Breathing deeply and consciously can help to reduce stress and release it from our bodies.
There are a lot of things we cannot control, but we can take a lot more responsibility both for how we prepare ourselves and how we respond to those things that do happen.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the first step you can personally take to self-strengthen?

Love Tip of the Week: Knowing your ability to not only survive but also to thrive will help you tremendously as you face challenges.

Too Soon to Know?

2009-03-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I’m twenty-three and my (ex) girlfriend is twenty-one. We have been dating for five months. Everything seemed so perfect with us and like—after some bad relationships—we both finally found someone to feel comfortable with. I thought things were going good, but in April she broke up with me. She said that she fell out of love and couldn’t see herself marrying me. She said there were “quirks” about me that bothered her—minor and stupid ones that you learn to accept in a person, just like I accepted her quirks. A few days later, we got back together. She seemed excited and like everything was going to be okay. That was the last day I saw the best of her. She started acting different again a few days later. We talked and she told me again that she couldn't see herself marrying me. How can you define your future on us in just five months of dating? She didn't even give us a chance. She said she was excited about us!

My problem now is that she is emailing me, telling me what she is doing, and telling me to call her. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Why is she telling me her every move? Does she just want attention? I don’t want to call her because she has broken up with me twice. I’m not trying to be stubborn; I’m trying to be rational. I don't want to put myself on the line to get hurt again. Why should I be the one to make the effort to contact her? Should I call her or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own even though she thinks that it’s my turn to talk to her?
Please help. Thanks.

Aloha,
One of the funny things about relationships is that people almost always tell us what isn’t working (or what won’t eventually work) early in the relationship—but we don’t want to hear it so we try to keep the relationship anyhow. Later, it always comes back to haunt us. Your girlfriend is telling you clearly that she can’t imagine marrying you or staying in a long-term relationship with you. Listen carefully!

The mixed messages that you are hearing from her are likely that she cares for you, considers you a friend, misses the closeness, is concerned about you, and wants to be there for you if you need a friend. She wants to be in love with you (which is why she got back together with you), but she isn’t in love with you. She might have been telling you where she was every day, because for the last five months that is what she did. It becomes almost habitual to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend where you are, what you are doing, and check in on them, and when that relationship is over, it is kind of hard to break that habit. I understand wanting to read more into it, but I don’t think there is more to it.

I know that it is very difficult to let go of a relationship, especially when it seemed great. However, count your blessings that she is telling you now. It would be a way bigger bummer if you continued on for a year or two, or got married, only for her to then realize how she was—or wasn’t— feeling.

As for the “we only dated five months…she didn’t give it a chance…” thought, the reality is that a week of dating could have been sufficient to know that you don’t want to marry someone. One night of dating could even be sufficient. It takes way longer to figure out who you do want to marry than it does to figure out who you don’t. Five months is a definite “chance.”

As for calling her, I agree with you, the ball is in her court. Even if she does call, please be careful not to misinterpret her need for attention, for her need for you. Ask her what her intentions are and let her know if her goals and yours are not the same.

I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you hear yourself saying about your ability to love?

Love Tip of the Week: Listen to—and believe—what people tell you about their ability to love. They almost always tell us, or show us signs that in hindsight are obvious.

Are You a Good Choice as a Partner?

2009-03-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

My husband and I met while I was on Maui on vacation and spent the next five months on the phone, back in the pre-Internet days. While “dating” long distance between Maui and California, we decided to ask a lot of questions to see if we were really compatible. (This is how the book, Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be was conceived.) Initially, I was focused on asking the right questions, paying close attention to his answers, trying to determine if he was the right partner for me. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized that how I answered the questions was helping him determine if I was also the right partner for him.

In relationships, especially when we are seeking one, it is common for us to look for the right partner, seek someone who is our “soul mate” and ultimately hope for someone to come along who is the answer to our prayers. Even when we are already in a relationship, we tend to look to the other person to be what and who we want. The kicker is, though, that we must pay equal attention to whether we are the answer to someone else’s prayer, as well. We seek the “right partner” for us, but are we, also, the right partner for them?

While it is very valuable to make a list of and to have clarity about what you want in a partner or relationship, it is also very important to know what you have to offer. This is true not only of your personal qualities and characteristics, but also of your time. Consider, what is in it for them?

When I do self-development workshops, I see people squirm uncomfortably when I ask the question, what do you like, love, admire or appreciate about yourself? Imagine you were at a job interview and the would-be employer asked you what your strengths were, only to observe you squirming uncomfortably while you searched for an answer. Or,they offer you the job, but you are thinking, I can’t believe it! I wonder why they chose me! I don’t deserve this! This lack of confidence is clearly not a strong foundation for gaining employment, yet it is often the platform from which we seek (or attempt to build) relationships.

Another challenge we face is simply how we define that which we seek. Consider two people seeking a relationship in the hopes of starting a family, but the definition each of them has of “marriage” and “family” is totally different. One thinks it means that they will be constant companions, inseparable at all times, while the other thinks it means that they will divide and conquer getting twice as much accomplished. While this may seem extreme, we often have completely different definitions of what it means to date, to have sex, to be in love, and to be faithful. Most of us don’t bother to ask the other person what their definitions are or how they feel—and worse yet, many of us haven’t even asked ourselves what we think these things mean.

So, let’s start with some self-inquiry and relationship readiness questions:

Take a careful honest look at yourself. What are your best qualities? What is the evidence that your self-assessment is accurate?

Are there aspects of yourself that you are uncomfortable telling the truth about? Are you willing to work on either changing your self-perception or changing your reality to better align the two?

Is the timing right in your life for you to be dating or in a relationship now? Are you available—physically and emotionally?

What do you have to offer in a relationship—in terms of personality, life style, quantity and quality of time?

What does being in a relationship, marriage or family mean to you?

While self-reflection and inquiry are not always comfortable, they are always valuable. Start with being the right choice as a partner—healthy and complete. You will then become a better magnet for attracting the right partner, and a healthier ingredient in your relationships.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What steps can you make to be a healthier choice as a partner?

Love Tip of the Week: In order to connect with others, we first must be able to connect with ourselves. In order to find our soul mates, we must first find our own souls!

How Much Space Is Too Much Space?

2009-02-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I'm 24 and I just started to see this girl about a month ago. We see each other A LOT and talk on the phone a lot. I’m just afraid things are moving a little too fast, but I really want to see her.

Last night, we talked for two hours about everything and it turns out she feels the same way. She said that it is too early on to be seeing each other every day, and that calling before work, after work, on break, etc is something that shouldn't be done. She expressed to me that her mind is telling her to not see each other every day but her heart is saying she wants to. She said that too much attention turns her off, but too little makes her want it even more. No offense but women are confusing!

Since she said she doesn't want to see each other everyday, I'm going to be walking on eggshells when I ask her to hang out. I don't want to say, "Hey let’s go to dinner and a movie" and have her say "didn't we just talk about this??" So my question to you is how much is too much and how little is too little? Do I sit back and let her call me? Do I wait for her to say “let’s see each other”? What do I do?
Thank you so much,
Sincerely Confused

Aloha,
It is great that you can talk about it with each other. I would be more concerned if she were the only one saying "this is going too fast," but it sounds like both of you came to the same conclusion. You are right about wanting to avoid walking on eggshells. A lack of confidence is not a good position for dating. You want to keep this light and natural not a guessing game.

Since you and she talked about this, discuss how much you both feel is too much or too little and come to an agreement.

If you just sit back and let her call you, she may feel like you aren't interested.
Here are a couple things that you might try:

Invite her out ahead of time, like on Monday for Friday night, so you both know when you are getting together. Knowing there is an upcoming date planned may make the time in between more comfortable. Then, when you are together, if it feels right, you can spend more time together over the weekend. Or, make plans for another date later in the week. Initially, make plans for specific dates rather than just “hanging out.“ Having a defined plan will take some of the confusion out.

Avoid the twenty calls a day thing, but a call every day or every other day between dates to see how she is doing is a nice thing to do. If you want to distance it a little more than a phone call, you can text her ONCE a day to say, “Hi, just checking to see how your day is going,” or email her. That way you are staying in touch but it isn't a big deal.

It is pretty normal to be excited and want to spend a lot of time with someone, but be sure to spend some of that time determining whether the two of you have more in common than attraction. Do you know her values? Her religious beliefs? Her goals? Do you know what she wants in a relationship? Do you know what you want? Are you both dating other people? Being sexually involved also complicates the matter. If you are sleeping with each other, did you discuss or agree to exclusivity? Did you discuss birth control? If you don't know some of these things, it would be wise to step back and consciously get to know each other, rather than just hanging out. Identify some of your own personal non-negotiables and explore them with her. This will help you determine not just how much time to spend, but whether she is the person to spend the time with.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How much time is healthy at the beginning of a relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: When in doubt, ask, or even better yet, listen to your own inner voice of wisdom.

Don’t Seek Love, Be Love

2009-02-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

So often when Valentine’s Day is approaching, we all start looking for signs of love outside of ourselves—chocolate, cards, phone calls, flowers, gifts or other sweet sentiments. The sad truth about that is even if there is love all around us, if we don’t love ourselves, we may not notice nor believe or trust what we see.

When we feel empty, we tend to suck the energy from others in a desperate attempt to be filled. The problem is that love from someone else cannot fill a void created by our own sense of lack. Love is an inside job and the cosmic irony is, in order to receive it, we have to already have it. So as Valentine’s week is upon us, I invite you to look at your relationship with yourself.

When I went to my very first personal growth workshop, taught by Jack Canfield over 20 years ago, he had us do an exercise that I will now pass on to you:

Close your eyes and imagine that you are looking into your own, mirrored image. Look deeply into your own eyes and say to yourself, “I love you and accept you just the way you are.” Watch for the reaction in your mirrored image. Pay attention to how you feel saying and receiving this message of self-love.

What was your reaction to this exercise? Did it feel good? Did it feel uncomfortable? Were you willing to try it?

When I did as Jack instructed, I was greatly surprised. My mirrored image rolled her eyes at me and said, “Yeah, sure you do,” very sarcastically. Until that moment, I was unaware that I had a self-esteem issue. For some of you, doing this exercise felt good. For others it was undoubtedly painful, as it was for me the first time. In either case, your feelings are a blessing. If this was painful, your gift is the knowledge that your self-esteem needs tending to, and you can now take great steps toward doing this.

Once I was given this gift of self-discovery, I embraced the opportunity to do everything in my power to turn that reality around. I began studying, practicing, and applying self-esteem-enhancing techniques and philosophies, and eventually began teaching them so that I could help others, as well. The gift of that uncomfortable and painful moment set me firmly on the path of my life’s purpose.

This Valentine’s Day, start doing the mirror exercise in a real mirror every morning and evening. Look into your own eyes, tell yourself what you like, love, admire, and appreciate about yourself and end with telling yourself that you love yourself. While this may sound really stupid to some of you, it is an amazingly powerful, yet simple thing to do. We are so accustomed to looking in mirrors at everything superficial—our clothes, hair, complexion, or weight—usually critical of what we see. But few of us ever look into our own eyes with love. Continue this every day until the criticism gets replaced, and kindness becomes habitual.

Low self-esteem is not an attractive trait. When you venture out to meet new people or create stronger relationships with those you already know, feeling good about your strengths always puts you in a more powerful position. If you don’t like yourself, your words and energy will leak this truth to the people you are trying to attract, and can actually push them away or will attract those who want to control and manipulate you. As you practice acknowledging your strengths in the mirror you will present yourself more positively to others, as well, and attract a healthier match.

Also, as you look into your own eyes, you will come to know another aspect of yourself, beyond the physical being you normally view in the mirror. As the saying goes, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” When we talk to other people, if they do not establish eye contact, we often think that something is wrong or that they are lying to us. We don’t feel connected. However, seldom do we ever establish this kind of soul connection with ourselves. This is where healthier relationships begin.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: What do you feel when you look into your own eyes?

Love Tip of the Week: This Valentine’s Day, give yourself the gift of self-love

Embracing Change

2009-02-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

Hi Eve,
I have been married for a few years and I am started to get a little concerned. For the most part, everything is going okay, but I am starting to see him change his interests and the way he spends his time. What if he keeps changing til I don’t recognize him any more?

Aloha,
I’ve come to the conclusion that we have (at least) three types of love—past love, present love and future love. Past love is when we are attached to and in love with what was. The problem with past love is that it is all based in memory and not in current realtiy. Future love is based on our hopes and dreams of what may be and again, not necessarily reality at all. Present love is the real deal and the only one that can actually bring you satisfaction, so I invite you to see if you can pay attention to who your partner is on a daily basis and allow yourself to continuously fall in love anew.

Ironically, while we can’t go into a relationship expecting to change the other person, we should go into a relationship expecting that he or she will change. The difference is the emphasis on who is implementing the change. We cannot make our partner change, but the forces of nature, as well as their own impetus, will cause them to change.

Their bodies will change. Their hormones will change. Their libido will change. Their weight may change. Their health may change. Their physical appearance may change. Their friendships may change. Their careers may change. Their hobbies may change. Their athletic activities may change. Their alcohol consumption may change. Their levels of confidence and self-esteem may change. Their minds may even change. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

Then there is the marriage or relationship itself, which will change as a separate entity from either partner. Frequency of “date nights” may change. Level of financial comfort may change. Houses and communities may change. Time available for recreation may change. Family support may change. Number of family members will change. Children (who are always changing) will change the marriage. More children will change it more. Children growing up and moving out of the home will change the marriage again. The loss of family members will change the dynamics. Sexual frequency and ability may change. Skills for problem solving and communication may change. The way you spend your time together—and how much time you spend together—may change. Retirement will change the marriage again. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

The love is probably what we want to stay the same, but even the expression and experience of love changes. While the core essence of true love is unchanging, as it filters through our egos it appears to change over time. In my experience, love doesn’t go away, but it does get blocked with ego; so our experience of it ebbs and flows. Love can deepen over time, moving from infatuation and becoming more secure. Love can be more passionate or less passionate. Love can be conditional or unconditional. Love can be expressed or withheld. Love can be given and not received. The intensity of the love in a relationship can wax and wane, as can the level of intimacy.

If we want to be successful in our relationships (and in our lives), we have to become comfortable with change—both managing it when it happens and creating it when it is needed.

Ultimately, you will probably find yourself more at peace in the relationship if you expect change, and just as you learn more and more about yourself over time, enjoy the process of discovering more about your husband each day. Rather than trying to recognize some semblance of who he used to be, see if you can fine-tune your ability to see—and love—who he is now.

Otherwise, it is a bit akin to trying to see the handsome young man every time you see Robert Redford, rather than seeing and appreciating the talented, handsome older man he currently is.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you imagine will stay the same?

Love Tip of the Week: Growth is not possible without change. Nor is true love possible without the acceptance of change. Otherwise, your love is like a snapshot—only captured for that moment.

Can I fix it? Is it a mistake?

2009-01-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I’m trying to get a guy back. This is our "short" history. My mistakes are numbered 1-6: I ended a two-year depressing, boring relationship, and I was on the rebound, not ready for anything serious. A week later, I went out with a hot guy I met. [1] We had sex on the second date [it was a great date]. [2] I hung around his place for 3 days. Then he left for three weeks, and asked me not to sleep with anybody else, [3] I agreed. I freaked out a little because he wanted commitment. And, [4] although I agreed not to, [5] I slept with someone else [not normal behavior on my part]. Then I almost did it again! [6] I told him. And he cried but "forgave" me, and acted like it wasn't a big deal, and said he "had to take it slower" with me.
At this point I realized that I had strong feelings for him, too. I told him that I loved him and he stopped telling me that he loved me. We were probably screwed at this point.

Now he doesn’t think I’m relationship material, but the irony is that I am "relationship material." I am very loyal, reliable and loving in a relationship. I was just on the rebound and not ready, but after realizing my feelings, I kept dating other people until I was sure about him, [even though I really wanted him].
I think I have another chance cause he has been calling me again, but we should continue to date other people as we get to know one another better. I love him. I'm going to be friendly and seduce him [but not sleep with him until he's mine].
Is this a huge mistake?

Aloha,
What I love about your letter is that you are very clear about what your mistakes were. This level of self-awareness is very important if you want the situation to improve.

From what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like a huge mistake to pursue the relationship with him cause as far as I can tell, he sounds like a good guy. However, there is another potential “mistake” that you didn’t point out that you may want to consider.

I suggest you stop dating other people while you are pursuing this relationship. He already has valid trust issues with you and if you go to him and say, “I love you and I really want to be with you, but until that happens I am still going to date X, Y, and Z…” you are neither going to appear trustworthy nor serious. On the flip side, if you go to him and say, “I realized how deeply I have feelings for you and would like another chance. I’ve stopped dating all other people to show you that I’m serious….”, the message will come across very differently.

One of the challenges of having sex early in the relationship is that it is hard to take a step backwards and start dating without sleeping together. Your plan of not having sex with him, after you already have, is probably not going to go so well. The problem with having sex while you are still getting to know each other is that it confuses the matter. Sex “ups the ante” in the gamble by increasing the emotional attachment significantly. Sexual involvement also makes it harder to think straight.

When we are having sex before knowing someone well, we are far more sensitive to what we think everything means, and far less sensitive to what some things should mean. By that I mean that we are more sensitive about what a look or a comment might mean when we don’t know the person well enough to interpret or ask. And we are simultaneously less perceptive of or attentive to the little red flags that are flapping to warn us about impending problems. So go ahead and give it a shot, just do your best to use your head in the domain of the heart.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do your actions align, delivering the same message as your words?

Love Tip of the Week: Love may be blind, but lust makes us not pay attention to what we see…

ReCreate your Marriage

2009-01-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I love my husband so much; we have been together for a long time, but I feel like we are in a rut where we are just going through the motions. We do all the things that we have to do to keep our lives going, but it is starting to feel like partnership, not a romantic connection. We have a strong foundation, and a deep respect, but honestly, I think we have both gotten a little boring. Do you have any suggestions for what I can do to revitalize our marriage and romance?

Aloha!

I think you share a dynamic that is extremely common to couples to have been together a long time. In my experience, relationships can have a cyclical nature…alternating between being really close and connected and then not so much so...and then, hopefully back again. Rather than giving up in the lulls or resigning to them, there are definitely things that we can do to turn the cycle toward closeness. I have found that usually more talking, more touching, playing more and/or introducing a creative project can make a huge difference.

When I say “talking” I don’t mean talking at, I mean talking with—which means asking questions, sharing thoughts, ideas, goals, visions, dreams, values, and listening without judgment to the other person. It is enticing to have someone want to know more about you and share deep conversations, but when we have been with someone who already knows us so well, and us them, the curiosity and conversation may be jeopardized. Often in a daily relationship our conversations drastically reduce to “did you take the trash out?” and “what’s for dinner?” But when we first meet, the conversations are full of curiosity and interest in each other.

There was actually a study done on how much time families spend in dialogue. They found that parents only spent between eight and twelve minutes a day talking with their kids and out of that eight to ten minutes are spent directing tasks. That only leaves between two and four minutes a day for talking about what really matters, what you love, spirituality, creativity and fun. I suspect many spouses talk even less than that and those that talk more are also talking about what needs to be done. Bringing a higher level of conversation into the house can help. Also, the more you keep learning and growing the more new there is to discuss, so reading books, taking classes, trying new things can add to the intrigue of a long time relationship.

Touching is also critical to an adult romantic relationship and ultimately is the element that separates a romantic relationship from every other kind. Without intimate touch, your relationship can transition quickly into a business relationship or more like siblings or friends. While these are still worthy relationships, they are not usually what most of us signed up for when we got married or involved in a romantic relationship. Consequently, a little more (or a lot more) attention to physically expressing your appreciation of each other can go along way in rekindling the connection.

Creativity is also a very stimulating process and co-creating something of beauty or functionality or service can be a very bonding experience. This is true not only of spouses or sweethearts, but also with your children or other family members.

Recreation, re-creation, is something we are usually much better at in the beginning of a relationship than after years and years. See if you and your husband can reintroduce fun and activity into your lives as a means of re-creating your relationship (and not being quite so boring). Go for hikes, go snorkeling or diving, try the ziplines (they are a BLAST). Do what the tourists do.

What is most important is that you recognize the deep respect you and your partner have and can even simply relax into the sweetness of sharing a silent moment together.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What can you do today to raise the bar in your relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Bring some “Intellectual foreplay” back into the relationship. Ask deeper questions. Talk about things that really matter. Listen and pay attention. Make your love overt.

Returning the Love

2009-01-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

I was petting one of my cats the other day and enjoying how much he was appreciating the attention. He was purring loudly, rubbing up against me and making it very clear that he loved the love. I was equally happy sharing the moment with him.

The thought then occurred to me how different it would be, how less pleasurable it would be, to pet him and love him if he didn’t respond so appreciatively. If I petted my cats and they were indifferent, if they didn’t purr, I would get far less pleasure out of loving them.

Of course this is true of my human friends too and caused me to wonder, if it is “in giving that we receive,” perhaps what we receive is that satisfaction of helping another to feel loved.

This thought leads to what it is like to love when the object of the love shows no appreciation or satisfaction or pleasure or response. We can probably all relate this to someone we have showered affection on only to be met with a lack of enthusiasm. On the flips side, one of my cats was so needy of my attention that I nicknamed her “the appendage” as she wouldn’t leave me alone. This is equally unappealing and we’ve all known people like that as well. For some, it seems no matter how much time, love and attention we give, it is simply not enough. In my experience, the hole that is trying to be filled with the attention of another is a hole that can only be filled with self-love and god-love.

Of course, we can see these behaviors in others—the lack of appreciation and the over zealous neediness—but have we stopped to consider when we are the ones who are not responding? Have we pondered if we are trying to get someone else to fill a need only we can satisfy ourselves? Have we stopped to wonder what it is like for others to love us?

As you ponder your New Year’s goals and resolutions, I invite you to ponder what it is like to be loved by you and what it is like to love you.

Imagine what it is like for someone to ask you out. Imagine what it is like to share a meal with you. Imagine what it is like to wake up with you. What is it like to make love with you…or want to? What is it like to give you a gift? What is it like to be sick around you? What is it like to drive in a car with you? To share a home? What is it like to co-parent with you? What is it like to be your child? Your teenager? Your parents? Your siblings? Your neighbor? Your spouse? Extend that awareness to beyond your close loved ones—what it is like to serve you in a restaurant? What is it like to live on the streets you drive down? (Do you pass peacefully or are you disrespectful or completely oblivious to your impact?) See if you can spend just one day in awareness of your impact and your response to those around you.

This is an excellent meditation for the New Year. This level of self-observation will bring about some self-awareness. Self-awareness affords you the opportunity to determine whether the way you are showing up in your relationships is serving you (and them), or not. You then have the opportunity to make new choices (if you so desire) and this makes you powerful.

As we saw when 9-11 happened, all the things that we thought were so important prior suddenly lost importance when our world was threatened. As you make your list of resolutions and goals, it is easy to remember to list the health of our bodies and fitness, the health of our finances and careers, perhaps even the cleanliness and organization of our home….But this year, remember to make the health of your relationships a high priority. (If you need help, I’m offering a Creating Powerful Relationships workshop on Jan. 18, 10am-4pm at The Sacred Garden on Maui!)
May you have a Happy New Year and gloriously powerful relationships.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is it like to love you?

Love Tip of the Week: In this time of economic uncertainty, our relationships will become ever more important. However, our level of skill and awareness must also increase in order meet the demand.

Arguing About Money?

2008-12-29T07:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
My husband and I have been together for over twenty years, get along in almost every way, but we constantly struggle with money issues. This has been an on and off issue over the years but with the current economics, it is only getting worse. We both get really sensitive when the topic comes up..
Do you have any suggestions on how we can better deal with this and handle the stress? Should we get counseling?
Thanks

Aloha,
As you clearly have discovered, money issues are heavily laden with other issues—like hurt, fear, blame, trust, anger, guilt and of course, stress. These ego-based emotions make it very difficult to have clean communication and a clear, problem-solving attitude. Dr. Phyllis Robinson and Melanie Stephens, MS. (www.CreativeConflictSolutions.com) are offering a free workshop in Kihei, January 7th, 7-9pm, called “Arguing About Money?” I highly recommend you attend—with or without your husband—as they will help you handle this problem more proactively. I collaborated with them about your question and here are the steps we suggest to make your money conversations pay off:

1. Plan ahead when scheduling tough money conversations. Create some time when you are well rested, fed, and have privacy.

2. Beware of defensiveness and stay away from right/wrong, good/bad positions and ultimatums. Make it your mission to keep blame, accusations, guilt, and attacks out of your conversations. I’ve found that using “We” statements instead of “You” or “I” statements really help in tough conversations. “We need to watch our money” is way more easily digested than “You need to watch our money.” “We language” takes control and blame out of the conversation and makes it clear that both partners are on the same team, sharing responsibility. Hold the attitude of “What will work for both of us?” and you will be more motivated to resolve the issues together.

3. Practice listening. Get curious about what is going on for your partner. What is he feeling? What’s important to him? Does he know you understand? Ask questions. Often we get so caught up in the ego-stance of defense that we don’t really even hear the other person or acknowledge the seriousness of the issue to them. When your partner knows that they are heard and understood, agreements can more easily be found. When people don’t feel understood, even if an agreement has been reached, they will continue to argue their point.

4. Listen also for the issue underneath the issue being said. Underneath almost every conversation is the desire to love and be loved, and the desire for safety—both physical and emotional. When we listen with our hearts, not just our ears, we can hear these bigger issues. Be sure to address and reassure about these, often unstated, issues.

5. See if you can identify the ‘interests’ you both bring to this subject: the things that really matter to each of you before you make decisions. For instance, his might be “reliable transportation,” yours might be “healthy food,” and you might both share ”the children’s education’, and “time together”. If you stop to see what truly matters to you both—and what doesn’t, you will be better equipped to meet those needs.

6. Assess whether you need outside help. This doesn’t necessarily mean counseling; it may mean financial consulting or an accountant. Often our “issues” are simply due to a lack of knowledge on the topic we are attempting to resolve.

7. Keep your mind on the goal of resolving the issues AND having a loving, harmonious relationship. Here is the deal, you can have money problems and a troubled relationship, or you can simply have money problems. In these economic times, the money challenges just may be a part of reality, out of your control. However, the health of your relationship is in your control. Remember that maintaining the love and respect you have for each other is the utmost goal as you work to resolve other issues.

While counseling can certainly be beneficial in helping you communicate more clearly and resolve the issues between you and your husband, start with these steps and taking the free workshop.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you and your partner on the same team?

Love Tip of the Week: In order to solve old problems, we need new skills.

Giving the Present

2008-12-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

If the Grinch (or our government) were to come take away our finances, our security, and our businesses, which took away our ribbons, boxes, cards, boxes and tags, would it also take our enthusiasm and joy away? Or would we be like all the Whos down in Whoville recognizing that the spirit of the Holy-day season is bigger than all of that?

We have a huge choice right now. We get to choose whether we want to honor fear or faith. Fear stands for “fantasized experiences appearing real.” What you fear isn’t happening to you now. (If it were, you wouldn’t be afraid anymore, you would be angry or sad or accepting…fear only exists when we contemplate the future.) So if fear is stopping you, realize that you are imagining the worst and are allowing your imagination to trip you up. If fear is stopping you from doing what it takes to love, you have some choices to make:

Are you going to honor fear or love?
Are you going to honor despair or hope?
Are you going to honor doubt or faith?
Are you going to honor stagnancy or growth?
Are you going to honor unhappiness or joy?
Are you going to honor deception or honesty?
Are you going to honor anger or compassion?
Are you going to honor resistance or acceptance?
Are you going to honor ego or spirit?
Are you going to honor complacency or commitment?
Are you going to honor resentment or forgiveness?
Are you going to honor your relationships as a spiritual journey?
Are you going to honor your authentic self?
The choice is yours.

Ego in the form of fear is the number-one thing that stops us from opening our hearts fully to another human being. Fear is what makes us afraid of change instead of excited about it. If you choose to honor fear, remember that fear will stay with you. It will stay in your life whether your partner does or not. It will stay in your life whether money does or not. If you want success, if you want to shake the fear loose, you are going to have to take some risks: the risk to love completely, the risk to forgive and to ask for forgiveness, the risk to accept your partner as he or she is, the risk to tell the truth, the risk to do the work. Make a conscious choice to honor that which is hiding behind your fear: love, faith, calm, peace!

Once you make the choice, you will benefit from some skills. Generally, we are extremely unpracticed and unskilled at bringing our attention back to the present moment. I invite you to utilize the Five Essential Life Skills: 1) Remember who your really are, 2) Self-Observe, 3) Let Go of that which you aren’t, 4) Realign with your authentic self and, 5) Choose your words, thoughts and actions in alignment with your goals. In this case, be self observant and notice when you are thinking about the past or the future and take a deep breath and bring your attention to the present moment. This is where peace exists. The present is where calm exists. The present is where acceptance exists. The present is where creativity and intuition exist. Compassion and forgiveness live in the present moment.

This holy-day season, offer your family or loved ones your undivided attention. Be present. Stress, fear, hurt, anger, and their related emotions are all forms of the ego and they not only block our ability to love and be loved, but also our ability to resolve problems and think/feel clearly. When we are truly able to be present the world of possibility opens to us. We are able to stay calm in the face of challenges. We become more creative problem solvers. Our loved ones feel our love more fully.
Don’t just believe me, try it. Even if just for one moment. You can always have fear and stress back if you decide you prefer it. But if for just one moment you can be present, you may choose the same for another moment. Then you will be well on your way to internal and eternal peace.
Happy Holy-Days!
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you choosing to honor?

Love Tip: The most valuable gift you can give your loved ones—and yourself—is the present

Is He Confused...or Am I?

2008-12-13T06:42:00.000-08:00

Hello,
My question is really hard. I met someone online. We met twice and the sparks and the passion was totally there. He even admitted that we clicked so well. We just absolutely compliment each other. Problem: he feels that we are incompatible even though we just totally click. He does not believe in God and I do. He feels that I cannot be spontaneous because of my son. He feels the distance (four hours away) is a problem. Oh yes, he doesn't want to be the one to take me away from my family. Yet, he still calls to see how I am and what I am up to. As far as religion goes, I never try to impose it on him. I respect his opinions totally. He did admit his comment about my not being spontaneous was off the mark. But, as far as taking me away from my family, if I feel the same that I do for him now as I would in six-eight months I would follow him to the end of the world. However, he knew all of this before he contacted me. Do you think he is confused? Or is he testing me like my sister thinks. Now remember, I don't call him. Oh yes, his mother was a single mother with two boys. What do you think? I am not waiting around for him!!

Aloha,
Yes, I think he is confused—because he KNOWS that there are some very serious core value differences between the two of you that will interfere with your relationship down the line (guaranteed) AND he is attracted to you. This definitely causes confusion...

One of things that we humans do, particularly women, is let our desire for a relationship cause us to overlook serious core differences. That, my dear, is what you are doing.

Stop. Take a deep breath and hold on tight to your values. He is being WISE in deciding not to proceed in a relationship with you, and you are being romantic (and blinded by desire) by being willing to give up sharing your spirituality with the one you love, being close to your family, and pulling your son away from the support of your family as well.

I have found that people almost always tell us at the beginning of a relationship what the problems are likely to be later. He is telling you that your religious difference is an issue for him. You are only thinking about whether this is an issue for you. However, I’m not sure you are being honest or far-sighted in how much of an issue this will be. Consider being with a man who is teaching your children that there is no God, while you are teaching them there is. This will undoubtedly be an issue for you.

He is also telling you that he doesn’t want to pull you away from your family, which may be the polite way (or unclear way) of telling you that he doesn’t want you constantly pulled away from him by your family later. You may think you would follow him to the ends of the earth now or even six-eight months from now, but what about when your family is ill (or you are), or when your sister has kids (or you do) and you are many hours away from being able to help each other and share in life’s delights and difficulties. When we are in the midst of our independence, it is easy to think that we can handle being away from our families, but when situations and circumstances change, we may not find that so easy.

While you are not the one doing the calling, you are also not listening to what he is saying. He is, indeed, “testing” you, but passing the test doesn’t mean you make major life decisions only on what feels good. You must also make decisions on what is good—for you, your son and your potential partner.
I wish you the best,
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you ignoring?

Love Tip of the Week: When you compromise your values for a relationship, you compromise both your happiness and your relationship.

Staying Peaceful in Scary Times

2008-10-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I keep hearing about my friends getting laid off, or about businesses closing down. There have not been as many tourists on the island this year and everyone is feeling the crunch, Virtually everyone I talk to mentions the economy and shows just a bit of fear about what is happening not only in our country but all around the world. I am getting scared too and am wondering what I can do so that the fear doesn’t paralyze me?

Aloha,
I empathize as I have had quite of few of those conversations myself. These are, indeed, scary times and call for all of our skills to be put to use.

As you probably know, I am a great advocate of self-observation, which allows us to become self—aware. When we are aware of what we are doing and thinking and how it is causing us to feel, we have the opportunity to make new choices. Succumbing to the fear is a victimizing feeling and yet doing so is also a choice. If it is a choice, are we truly victims?

When we realize that our choices create our experience and that we have the option of making new choices, we become powerful. Even if our choice is a weak one—like succumbing to fear—when we realize that we have chosen this option we are able to take responsibility for what we are experiencing.

First, let me share with you what I do when I feel fear starting to rise in my own body. I observe and notice what I am feeling and practice self-inquiry. Since my thoughts are what are causing me to feel the fear, I ask myself, what am I thinking? What am I doing? What am I saying? What am I imagining?

Usually the things that are causing me fear are not actually happening yet. In fact, fear rarely exists in the present moment because it is, by definition, concern or apprehension over something that hasn’t happened yet. When the thing that we are afraid of actually does happen, fear is then replaced by anger or hurt. Fear mostly exists when we are looking to the future rather than being in the present moment. You have probably heard the acronym for F.E.A.R.—Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real.

So, when I am feeling fear, I ask myself, Is this happening to me now? And the answer is usually no. Consequently, I can calm myself down by reeling my mind back into the present. From the present moment I can strategize to protect myself from that which I am fearing. Even when bad things are happening in the moment, much of the fear is generated from fear that it will continue, fear that we won’t be able to manage it, fear of what it will do to those we love, fear over what the outcome will be…

I’ve said this in the column before but it merits repeating, the beauty of fear is that, if you look at the emotions underneath it, it will reveal to you that which you treasure and wish to protect. What “paralyzes’ us is when we approach something from the emotion of fear rather than from the more powerful place of love and protection. For instance, if I am afraid that the economy is going to crash completely and that I won’t be able to survive, I can easily paralyze myself. If instead, I look under that fear I will see that I treasure my life and I want to protect my lifestyle and my family. I am then able to approach the situation from the desire to love and protect, which is a far more powerful place to operate from.

When we switch from honoring the fear to what we want to protect, we are able to strategize and plan to accommodate for the changing circumstances. This requires taking action. “Paralysis” is the inability to move. Strategizing, planning and taking action will protect you from paralysis.

I wish you, and us all, the best in these changing times.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you imagining?

Love Tip of the Week: Be watchful of which emotions you “feed” by the thoughts that you think and the stories you continuously repeat. Manage your thoughts and you will better able to manage your fear.

Enough with the Excuses!

2008-10-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

Eve,
Besides a person's insecurities and hang ups, and all that other stuff, If a person is smart enough to realize that they always become the saboteur in a relationship, wouldn't they be capable of fixing themselves ?

Aloha...
Well, technically, yes.....BUT they have to WANT to fix themselves and be willing to do the work, which can be a bit painful at times. In a logical world your logic makes perfect sense to me....but in reality, it can be shockingly rare. People seem to be stuck on wanting everyone else to change or to simply adapt to there way of doing things....or hold the mindset "This is just the way I am, take it or leave it."
So, unfortunately, that is usually what you need to do....take it....or leave it.
I wish you the best,
Eve

Love is Not Enough

2008-10-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I’m eighteen and am totally in love with my boyfriend. He and I want to get married but my parents say we are too young. Even though they like my boyfriend, they think we are too different, that he doesn’t treat me well enough and that we won’t be happy together “for the long haul.” I am old enough to make my own decisions and am thinking about doing it anyhow because I love him so much and I know he loves me. What do you think?

Aloha,
Sorry, but I agree with your parents; let me tell you why.
First, love is not enough to make a relationship work, nor is love is enough of a reason to get married. Most of us believe that love is the only reason to get married, but if love were sufficient we wouldn’t have a 50-60% divorce rate.

There are a couple of challenges with the “love is all it takes” theory. Mainly, most people don’t operate from true love, they operate from love mixed with a lot of ego. Ego creates jealousy, possessiveness, judgment, blame, sarcasm, put-downs, and control and trust issues along with a whole lot of arguments.

Pure love (generated from spirit rather than ego) is unconditional, accepting, understanding, forgiving and compassionate. This doesn’t mean you don’t have problems and disagreements with true love, but you handle them very differently. Nor does true love mean you stay in a bad relationship, enabling the other to ruin your life, but it does mean that you take responsibility for making the relationship right and if you can’t, you leave from a place of acceptance rather than resistance. (Ego-resistance leaves saying, “He is such a jerk, I hope he gets what he deserves” while acceptance says, “I wish him well on his chosen journey—without me.”)

I was recently doing a panel discussion on love when someone in the audience asked, “How do you know when it is true love?” The other panelists answered, “You just know, you get that feeling,” or “It happens instantly with the look in the eyes,” but my answer was, “You know it is love when the caca hits the fan.” In my experience, you can think you are in love eternally while everything is going well and lust is at an all time high, but when something really challenging happens, that is when the truth is told.

In my experience virtually every relationship hits what I call “the wall”—a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. This is when ego wants to walk away, or blame the other person, and make the other person change. If we can get to the other side of the wall—which takes new skills, personal responsibility and awareness (a transcendence of the ego), there is usually a much deeper relationship on the other side. At the ripe old age of eighteen, I’m guessing that your parents don’t think the two of you have enough life experience individually or together to have the skills to “scale the wall” when the many challenges of a relationship or family come up.

Differences can be a good thing in a relationship if each person respects the other’s, and learns from them. My husband’s and my differences have broadened each other’s knowledge, interests and activities. Differences can also devastate a relationship if you have absolutely no interest or respect in what the other cares about or does. This dynamic can create a lot of time apart, other friends that you also have nothing in common with and underlying disrespect can brew.

It is a matter of values, lifestyle choices and goals. If the differences go against your core values, problems will emerge (you are religious, he is atheist; you like being social, he does not; one of you uses drugs/alcohol and the other does not; he wants to live at the jungle, you want city life.) This is where spending some time getting to know yourself, your desires, goals, values, interests and getting to know him better and solving problems together comes into play.

Give yourself the gift of time—time single, time dating, time to develop, discover, learn and grow. Give yourself to yourself first, then, if the relationship is still want you want, give yourself to each other.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the hurry?

Love Tip of the Week: Love is not enough, you must also act lovingly toward each other.

2008-09-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Reputation or Integrity?

2008-08-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I’m a married man, but unhappily so. I have started to get sexually involved with other women. I didn’t think much about it until one of them got upset when I told her I was married. I suddenly realized that she knows a lot of people who know a lot of people on the island. This kind of rumor could ruin my credibility and my business, not to mention my marriage. I know you aren’t going to approve of what I did, but do you have any suggestions on how I can keep her from ruining my reputation?

Aloha,
First, let’s straighten out a couple of things. A rumor is a story passed around with uncertain facts or a total lack of truth. This would not be a rumor, as you clearly state the truth of the matter: You had sex with a woman who you led to believe you were single and interested in a relationship with her. You didn’t tell her until after she got intimately involved with you that you were married. You deceived her, got what you wanted and then hurt her. The story going around would simply be the truth.
Let’s take a look at what might actually ruin your reputation—you or her. Yes, she could tell the truth to people about what you did to her—and to your wife, but keep in mind that her actions aren’t what would ruin your reputation, only your actions could do that. A reputation based on a lie is only that, another lie. If you care about your reputation, start aligning your behavior with what you want people to say and think about you.

Another issue that concerns me in your letter is the apparent lack of concern over how your actions have impacted this young woman. I would feel way better if you had asked me what you could do to help her heal from the pain that your deceit had inflicted rather than how to save your reputation.

Of course, there is also your wife to consider here. Are you also lying to her or does she know you are out getting involved with other women? Does she know you are planning to get a divorce?

I highly recommend that you clean up one relationship before starting another. Either put some time and effort into improving the relationship you are already in, or get out. Staying married and sleeping with other women is only going to cause everyone pain—and yes, damage your reputation. If you are unwilling to stop seeing other women, at the very least tell them you are married before you get intimate with them. Then if they choose to have a sexual relationship with you, at least they know what they are choosing. Your wife ought to be given the same information so she can choose whether she wants to continue being with you as well.

While we all have to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, we are all also custodians of each other’s hearts. We have an unspoken integrity agreement with every other person on the planet that says, “I will not hurt you.” This implicit integrity agreement is the reason that we can walk down the street and assume that the drivers of the cars will try not to hit us. It allows us to turn our backs to someone and be able to assume our safety. Integrity agreements allow us to inherently trust each other not to harm each other, lie to each other or deceive each other. They are the juice that makes the world a relatively harmonious place. Unfortunately however, they are broken all the time and when they are, we need to mend them.

The best way I know for you to save your “reputation” is to mend your integrity agreements. First with yourself and Spirit, secondly with your wife and thirdly with any women you have harmed. Take responsibility for your actions, reset your integrity agreements and work to keep them in tact.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay: How do your choices impact other people?

Love Tip of the Week: If people knowing about your actions would bring you shame and embarrassment, change your actions rather than trying to cover them up.

Is He The One?

2008-08-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

Aloha Eve,

I am a huge fan of your column "With Aloha" and read it every week. I was in a relationship for over two years with a man whom I love very much. I broke up with him because of his anger issues and I was never 100% sure he was the "right one" for me. Recently, we have been trying to work things out. I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for.

My questions are the following:
Do you ever really, truly know when a person is the "one"?
What are the most important values / beliefs that are "deal breakers" in relationships?
Anger issues are manifestations of fear or something else?

I know you do private coaching and would love to meet with you. Just reading your website and blog has helped me a lot!

Mahalo for the work you do!

Aloha,
First, thank you. I am glad if my web site, blog and column are useful to you.
In my experience, you may never know for sure if another person is the "one" you are going to spend your life with or the one who a relationship will work with until you actually do it, but you DO KNOW when he/she is the one YOU are willing to do YOUR BEST with, the one you want to explore the possibilities with—regardless of the outcome. You know when you are willing to accept a person as they are, and you know when their issues are manageable and when they are not. You know when a person is someone who is a complement to your values/goals and lifestyle and when they are not. You may not know 100% that he is the right one, but if you have serious doubts about it, honor your doubts, because my guess is that you do know when he is not the right one. Usually we know, we just don’t want to accept it.

Marriage/relationships are hard enough even when you are sure you want to go the distance with someone. When you aren't sure, your own lack of commitment and clarity will impact your success.

You said, "I want to give him another chance in the hope that we can make the changes to evolve into the relationship I am looking for." This is a clear statement that the current relationship is not what you want—and that he will have to change in order for you to be happy. As we all know, getting other people to change is extremely difficult, if not impossible. Does HE WANT to change? Does he see his behavior as a problem? As long as you are the one pushing the change, it will come off like you are trying to control him and will ultimately give him more to be angry about.

Pay attention to what you actually love about him currently versus what you hope you will be able to love once things are “fixed.” It is very easy for us to get caught up in our dream of a happy, healthy relationship while the reality is far from that. It is also easy to want the buzz that comes from attraction and mistake that for something deeper and more lasting.

As for which values and beliefs are deal breakers for you I cannot say because mine may be different than yours. For some, religion is a deal breaker, for others, where someone wants to live, the desire to have children, gambling, violence, anger, or drug and alcohol abuse are deal breakers. Assess your own values and determine what your own "non-negotiables" are. What are you willing to accept and live with...and what are you not?

Anger issues can be a huge concern. An angry husband/father can easily turn into an abusive husband/father, so CHOOSE CAREFULLY. Underneath anger is hurt, and under that is fear and then responsibility so if he wants to dig a little deeper to resolve his anger that would be a good place to start.

With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: Are you holding onto anger?

Love Tip of the Week: Assessing whether the other person is able to change is not as valuable as assessing whether you are skilled enough and willing to handle the relationship if they do not.

The Total Truth of Anger

2008-07-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

A woman recently told me that she had just informed her husband that she wasn’t in love with him any longer.

I encouraged her to look deeper into her emotions as “no longer in love” doesn’t give her husband anything to work with and isn’t the full truth. I explained the stages of anger, “Underneath anger is hurt, fear, responsibility, understanding, want, appreciation, and love. Once the total truth is explored, then you can work together to make new agreements.”

Using this woman’s scenario as an example, the total truth might sound like this:

I am really angry that you spend so much time away from home. I feel that you have clearly prioritized work over family, and I feel that I—we—just don’t matter that much to you. I get so frustrated having to raise the kids myself and having to explain to them again why their dad isn’t home for dinner, or for the weekend, or there for the school play, or why we are going on vacation without you.

I am hurt because I thought that “I do” meant that “you would” be more involved with the kids and me. I ache from loneliness, and it makes me sad to think that I would be so lonely within my marriage. I am sad that so many other emotions besides love come up when I think of us. I feel like my sadness is drowning out the love.

I am afraid that our marriage is going to fall apart. I am afraid that the damage is going to become so great that we aren’t going to be able to rescue it. If I’m really honest, I am afraid that I won’t be able to resist when someone else offers me love and attention because I miss being intimate with you.

Responsibility: I realize that I have not always made our home an emotionally safe place for you to come home to. When I am unhappy or wanting something more from you than you have to give, I can see that I actually make your work a more desirable place to be; even with all the stress there, the stress at home leaves you with no safe place to just let down your guard. I apologize for not expressing my gratitude more for all you do.

I understand that you are working hard to ensure our financial security. Without that, our family would suffer far greater stresses than just missing you. I know you work as hard as you do in part to please me, and it must be really frustrating to you to feel as though I am not appreciative. I know your work is extremely stressful and that adding the stress of my unhappiness only makes everything harder for you. I realize that you are doing the best you can with the current set of circumstances.

What I want is for us to have a loving marriage again. I want us to be a happy family—with both parents present. I want for the two of us to spend time alone together again, falling back in love, being romantic, laughing together, and enjoying life—like we used to. I miss you. I want us to make our relationship a priority so that it doesn’t just slip away unconsciously. I want to feel fully alive and in love with you again. I want to grow old with you, in love.

I deeply appreciate all that you do for our family and how great an effort you put into everything you do. The truth is that I love spending time with you, or this wouldn’t even be an issue.

I love you and cherish you as my husband, my friend, and my lover.

I’m sure you can see that this is a far cry from “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Once the total truth of this woman’s emotions has been expressed, her husband is far more likely to be able to “hear” her and to make agreements.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is underneath your anger?

Love Tip of the Week: Sometimes just thinking through your emotions by yourself will move you to resolution, and you will have no need to discuss the matter with your partner. You may be able to gain understanding, take responsibility, achieve forgiveness, and let go of the anger just by becoming aware of all that you are feeling. If a discussion and agreement are necessary, the total truth will be far easier to work with than just the anger.
*Excerpted from How To Love Your Marriage

Jealousy—The Green Monster

2008-07-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
How do I deal with jealousy? I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and he does nothing to ever make me feel anything but loved and adored. The problem is that I am in constant fear that he is going to leave me or cheat on me. My jealousy and insecurity is going to destroy this relationship if I don’t do something about it. Can you help me?

Aloha,
The good news here is that your fear and concern doesn’t seem to be coming from anything your partner is actually doing. This is very good news because you are 100% responsible for what you are experiencing which means that you are also 100% powerful over doing something about it

First, rather than looking at what you are afraid of happening, look at what you are trying to protect. What is it that you treasure? This is critically important because when you approach the problem from your fear, you are possessive, jealous, suspicious and controlling—all behaviors that are most likely to push your sweetheart away. In other words, when you operate from your fear, your actions are likely to cause the very thing you are afraid of happening.

If you operate from a place of wanting to maintain the loving, harmonious relationship with your partner instead, you are likely to be loving, kind, appreciative, and affectionate with him. These behaviors are likely to keep him engaged and far less likely to desire being with anyone else. This is not to say that if he strays, it is because of something you’re doing, rather only that you can ensure he strays if you continue to operate from your fear.

There is a great Native American story I want you to consider: An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Note that the one you feed is entirely your choice. One will cause you and those you love pain, one will not.

The other thing I invite you to consider is your self-esteem. Consider the reality that the only reason you are in fear about this relationship is because of some personal belief that you either don’t deserve to be loved or aren’t worthy of love. If you truly had a sense of your own value and what you have to offer, then you wouldn’t be operating from the constant fear that he will stray.

Turning this around requires that you build and strengthen your relationship with yourself. Start assessing and acknowledging your good qualities, Pay attention to your self-talk and consciously choose to tell yourself loving and affirming thoughts rather than destructive, critical thoughts.

I recommend that you do the “mirror exercise” on a daily basis. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and start telling yourself what you like, love, admire and respect about yourself. Start small if this is difficult. If you have a hard time finding things, make it a point to start doing things in your life that make you appreciate yourself more—random acts of kindness, taking responsibility, time in nature, accomplishing goals, service to others, volunteering, etc.

As you begin to see your own goodness and loving yourself, you will be far better able to believe that your partner truly loves you, too.

Lastly, know that it isn’t your partner that you actually need to trust. You need to trust yourself and God. Trust that anything you are faced with in life is designed to make you a stronger, healthier person and trust yourself to be able to handle it. When you can truly trust yourself, you will no longer be a victim of other people’s choices.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Which “wolf” do you feed?

Love Tip of the Week: When wanting to improve a relationship, always start with your relationship with yourself. You may well find that the other relationship improves automatically.

Should I Stay or Go?

2008-06-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Eve,

I dated my husband for several years on and off before marrying him a few years ago. We have both concluded that we got married because we were comfortable with each other and not because we were "in love." We now have two kids.
During my pregnancy he cheated on me, and I am sure that there are new women lined up. I used to trust him 100%. He must have thought I was a fool. He constantly comes home at all hours of the morning, each time with a different excuse... "I'm stressed and needed time alone,” or he tells me he was working or with friends or drinking so he couldn’t drive. Most of the time he is lying and hanging out with different women. I feel like its all another excuse.
I was going to get a divorce, but I have been home taking care of my children and have no savings, nothing. I am not in a position to leave. I have tried to be the bigger person and step up, but can't you only do but so much?
I'm worried about my sanity (can I take any more of this?) and my health (what if he brings home something he caught?). He doesn't respect or love me. He can't!! His actions speak loud and clear. And he can't truly care about his children, because to aid in ruining my life is to ruin theirs.
I just feel like if I leave him, I'll never find anyone to love me (not with two children) and his next wife will reap all the benefits of my anguish because he'll probably get his act together. I just got your book but I guess I'm just wondering should I stay or should I go?

Aloha,
I suggest that rather than deciding now whether to stay or go, you do some self-work first. How to Love Your Marriage will certainly guide you in this.
First, notice the tendency to limit yourself. You’re choosing to take on beliefs that are hurtful to you—and that aren’t necessarily or even likely true. “I’ll never find anyone…” “He doesn’t love me or the kids…” I encourage you to ask yourself if your beliefs are absolutely true. My guess is that you will see that they are not—or that you don’t know whether they are true or not. Ask yourself also if you know that he “has women lined up”, or whether that is a belief you are making up. If you don’t know it is true, choose to either seek the truth, or make up a story that feels better.
How would you feel differently if you believed (or stayed open to the possibility) that you are desirable (even with kids)! Even if you stay in your marriage, this belief will serve you. What if you decided that your husband does love you and the kids, but he doesn’t have “his act together”?
In truth, love doesn’t equal fidelity. Someone can love someone very much and still be weak when faced with temptation. My point is that his actions don’t necessarily mean anything about how he feels about you or the kids. It is possible that his actions say more about how he feels about himself, commitment, and his personal strength and integrity.
Part of your decision depends on what your husband is saying. Does he want to stay married? Is he willing to work on the marriage? Is he willing to change his behavior? The answers will certainly influence your decision. If he is not willing to change his behavior but wants to stay married, then your decision revolves around whether you are willing and able to accept his continued behavior. I know this sounds funny, but there are people who stay in marriages with the full knowledge that their partner will cheat and somehow they come to a place of acceptance about it. What you don’t want to do is to choose to stay in the relationship while resisting and resenting his behavior. This will only drive you crazy, push him even further away and kill any chance of a loving relationship.
I assure you, you will know if and when you need to leave. Until then, keep working on your relationship with yourself.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you able to accept?

Love Tip of the Week: Stay in a marriage until you know that you have taken 100% responsibility for your part in the situation. Leaving without doing so will always to haunt you.

What Are You Telling Yourself?

2008-06-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

Recently I was giving a workshop and spoke the importance of changing our self-talk. Self-talk is the conversation we hold with ourselves on a continuous basis and usually, it is less than kind and flattering. My suggestion was that we become aware of what we are saying to ourselves and begin to change the conversation to one that is affirming and supportive. Rather than being continuously judgmental, I invited the group to focus on looking for their good qualities and consciously identifying what they do right and using self-talk to reinforce the good news.

Someone then asked me if words were really that important, after all, isn’t what you do more important than what you say? This is a bit akin to which comes first—the chicken or the egg?

For the most part, we tend to think that our words reflect the truth of what we have seen in our actions. We trip over something, so we tell ourselves we are clumsy. However, we then take that experience and turn it into a belief and repeat it in our self-talk. We tell ourselves over and over again that we are clumsy and over and over again we bump into things, proving ourselves right. The question is though, if we stopped reinforcing that belief, would it remain true? Could we change “reality” by changing what we think about it? What if instead we started telling ourselves when we bump into something, “It isn’t like me to be clumsy; I’m very careful.”

By reinforcing a more positive thought, and turning it into a belief, we are actually sending a message to our bodies to line up with our words. Our bodies work to obey our commands and our thoughts and beliefs send energy commands to our body to follow the orders. If we constantly tell ourselves that we’re careful, our actions are far more likely to line up with being careful than if we constantly tell ourselves the opposite. Remember, your body will work hard to prove you are right.

Let’s look at how this might work in relationships. We have a tendency to come to grand generalized conclusions from one or two isolated experiences. These conclusions then become beliefs that we wear like glasses, seeing the whole world through them. Someone cheats on us or lies to us and we decide all guys are cheaters and all girls are liars. Someone breaks our heart and we establish the belief that we aren’t worthy or capable of having a loving, lasting relationship.

Then, we see someone we want to introduce ourselves to and the old self-talk tape pops up loud and clear reminding us that we are incapable of having a lasting relationship. We tell ourselves how they are probably not trustworthy anyhow. We may even allow this tape to stop us from meeting the person and if we do meet them, we are always waiting for them to prove us right. We sabotage the relationship by constantly seeking the evidence, or creating it, that love is out of our reach. We allow our words, our thoughts, to impact our actions.

Here are some things you can do to experiment with your own self-talk:

1) Self-observe and notice what you are saying to yourself.

2) Turn your words and thoughts around to support what you want to be true instead of what you don’t want to be true.

3) Keep isolated experiences with a person isolated to that person. Prejudice begins with one experience with one person applied to all people of the same race or gender. Watch for your use of generalized words like “never,” “always,” “everyone” or “no one.” You will find these words seldom speak the truth.

4) Turn what you are saying around to reflect what you want. This is, in part, the basis for affirmations. It is not a form of “wishful thinking” but rather an effort to get your words and thoughts working for you instead of against. Catch yourself when you say, “This is to die for” or “I’m dying to” and turn it into “This is to live for…” or “I’m living to….” Catch yourself when you say, “I’m sick and tired of…” and turn your words into something that affirms your life and vitality instead of being sick and tired.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How would you see life differently if your self-talk told you how loved you are?

Love Tip of the Week: Imagine you are giving your body and psyche a command and choose your words and thoughts carefully.

The Golden Rule

2008-06-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Let’s take a look at the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule works well when a person knows the beauty of his or her own true authentic nature. When we truly know our spirit-selves, it seems ludicrous to allow anyone to mistreat or harm us, and equally insane to mistreat them.

The Golden Rule works great when we only allow people to treat us kindly, but I know an awful lot of people who allow themselves to be treated horribly, and I certainly would not want them doing the same “unto me.”

When we are not awakened to who we really are, or we mistakenly identify with our ego (and a wounded one at that) or we suffer from low self-esteem, we end up thinking we don’t deserve love. The flip side of not deserving love is the belief that we deserve pain and harm. When that is a core, often unconscious, belief, we allow others to treat us poorly. If we then pass that forward, doing unto others in a like manner, we have created havoc on Earth.

You may have heard of the concept that we attract a reflection of ourselves in relationships. While I believe this is true, I don’t believe that it is truly understood. Most of us misconstrue this to think that it is a literal reflection—if we attract a cheater, it means we are also a cheater. But in reality (and yes, this is a scary thought…) it actually means that our relationships are simply a reflection of how we treat ourselves.

Consider this: What if we hook up with people who verify what we believe about ourselves? What if we hook up with emotionally unavailable people because of a belief that no one will truly love us? What if we hook up with critical people because we judged ourselves? What if we hooked up with controlling people because it mirrored to us our own self-doubt? What if we hooked up with great people because of a belief in our own greatness?

Then consider this, can we change the relationship we are currently in by changing what we believe about ourselves? What would happen if you decided that you were deserving of love. I wonder if you might start seeing the evidence of the love that surrounds you, rather than the lack of it. One (or more) of three things would happen if you did some work on your own belief system and self-esteem:

One, you would start to see the evidence of what you have chosen to believe. Nothing outside of you would have to change at all, changing your inner belief would simultaneously change your perception of reality. When I feel like the world is out to do me good, I marvel at the serendipity of evidence that lines up to prove me right. On the flip side, when I am in a mood that believes the world is out to do me in, that in turn is the evidence I see.

Two, you would start to see the world outside of you change in response to the world inside of you. When I decided to be more loving toward my husband, he responded by being more loving to me. My inner change created an outer change.

Third, your new belief system may no longer allow you to stay in your outer situation. For example, when you really know that you deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness, an abusive situation is simply no longer an option.

So, if you are going to live by The Golden Rule, make sure you know that you are a magnificent being deserving of love, respect and kindness—as we all are. When you really hold that belief, look around again and see how differently the world looks.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: Is it our reality that dictates our beliefs or our beliefs that dictate our reality?

Love Tip of the Week: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Treat them the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated.

Creating Powerful Relationships

2008-05-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I saw that you are holding a workshop on Creating Powerful Relationships. I am interested but I’m not sure exactly what to expect. Is this workshop only for couples or people who are in a committed relationship? I have a teenage daughter that I would like to have a better relationship with, but I don’t want to be the only single one there who isn’t working on a partnership with a mate. Can you tell me more? What are you going to teach? Thanks.

Aloha,
I don’t know about you, but when I entered the realm of dating and relationships, I had no clue what I was doing. This included dating and romance, but it also included friendships, family dynamics and co-workers. I didn’t know what to do when a boyfriend cheated on me, or when a girlfriend stole money from me, or when I had to tell my dad a painful truth. I didn’t know what to do when a guy I really liked wanted more from me than I was ready to give. I didn’t know what to do when someone made me mad. I didn’t know what to do when I made someone else really mad. I certainly had no clue what to do when a child misbehaved and it was my responsibility to do something about it. I just wasn’t well equipped.

Relationships permeate every aspect of our lives and yet few of us were taught true relationship skills in school and most of us didn’t have families that knew the skills in the first place, so they couldn’t pass them on. Sure, we were probably told not to pick on each other, to share our toys and the importance of telling the truth. But few if any of us were taught about how our self-esteem impacts relationships, how our relationships impact our self-esteem, or how to pick potential partners. Nor were we taught how to overcome our egos, to stop playing the “blame game” or the “victim game.” We weren’t taught that what we think creates our feelings, not what other people think about us. We weren’t taught how to align our actions with our intentions. We weren’t taught how to look underneath anger to find the truth, and we weren’t taught to look underneath fear to find what we want to protect.

While most of us were trained to expect to get married and have kids when we grew up, certainly no one ever taught us how to deal with the dynamics of a mother/child or father/child relationship or how it might impact our relationship with our spouse. Nor were we taught that Prince Charming may just not show up on schedule and that we may actually have to do some looking around for the guy….nor what to do if he actually wasn’t always so charming after all. In fact, what were we supposed to do with the last princess he dated—the one with all his kids? We certainly weren’t taught that.

Point blank, few of us were ever taught the skills and tools needed to create powerful relationships. And by “powerful” I don’t mean power or control over someone else, I mean power over our selves, our choices, our actions and thoughts— the power to experience joy and happiness—sometimes because of our relationships, sometimes in spite of our relationships.

Consequently, I studied human relationships because I needed to fill in the gaps of what I didn’t already know. So, in the workshop, I’m going to teach you what I spent an immense amount of time and energy learning, trying, experimenting with, and using to transform my own relationships. The skills and tools will be immediately applicable to ANY relationship. I am sure it will assist you with your daughter, and in fact I encourage you to bring her with you as this experience will help her with you too…and could actually give her the tools she needs to create powerful relationships with all her friends and loved ones from this day forward. I hope to see you there!
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How powerful are you in your relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: Train your brain to start with heart and you will discover your power.

What are your Charms?

2008-05-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

Several years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to buy a home in a really nice part of Maui. The house we chose was all glass and wood and had a beautiful ocean view. We set our hearts on buying this house, but there was one problem. We didn’t have enough money for a house of that magnitude. Consequently, we did what all young people do who want something they can’t afford — we called mom and dad.

Of course, my parents were not terribly impressed with the idea of us buying a house that was so far out of our financial league. Unbeknownst to me, after we hung up the phone, my parents spoke with a swami in India who was a dear friend of our family and shared their concerns about what I wanted to do. That night I had the most amazing dream.

I dreamt that I was sitting in this swami’s office in India, he on one side of his desk and I on the other. The overhead fan rattled in a vain attempt at cooling the humid Indian air. After looking into my eyes — and I suspected into my heart as well — he quietly said, “I want to show you something.” He rose from his chair while I ventured toward him, meeting him halfway.

He gently lifted his coral-colored robes to expose his ankles and waited for me to pay full attention. Beautiful gold and jewel-encrusted charm anklets hung on each leg. Gasping slightly, both in surprise and in delight, I looked up, seeking an explanation.

Somewhat matter-of-factly, as if everyone should have anklets of this splendor, he explained, “Each of these charms represents a magical moment in my life or a special connection I have shared with another human being.” He proceeded to show me the charm that represented my place in his life and the ones for each of my family members, who were also family to him after forty years of a heartfelt association. He then simply held up his robes and let me examine the intricacy and beauty of each charm. As if they had somehow captured the emotion, just gazing at each evoked the feelings that were generated by the original event or relationship they symbolized.

He then said, “Now let us see what is on your ankles,” emphasizing “your” in such a way that I made me sensed that what was to come was not going to hold a candle to what he was showing me.

Curious to see myself, hoping to see similar charms of gold, I lifted my skirt, only to discover a shiny, multicolored plastic band on each ankle, the kind they pass out at resorts on Maui to identify you as a guest. Shocked and disappointed, I looked closer and discovered that printed on the sparkly plastic band was the address of the house I was trying to buy.

I had an instant understanding that if I were to continue on my current path and buy the house, I would not have time for magical moments in nature or intimate encounters with others, because I would be too busy trying to keep my “resort.” With one last glimpse into the holy man’s eyes, I woke from my dream, crying.

Needless to say, we opted not to buy that house but settled instead for one that was more affordable. Since that dream, however, I have had cause to consider just exactly what I choose to have on my “anklets” and I invite you to do the same.

What if we were to live our lives as if we were here to “collect charms”? What kinds of heart connections are you making? What kinds of charms do you have on your anklets so far? What are your magic moments? Think of the different people in your life. If you were to put a symbol on a charm for each relationship, what would the charms look like? If you were to string all of the charms together, would there be a common theme? Do you like what you see? Do you want to show your anklets, or keep them hidden from others? If you were to begin your “charmed life” now, what kind of charms or symbols would you like to represent your life?

Love Tip of the Week: Magic moments and heart connections stem from experiences of compassion, love, and appreciation.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What if you were to live as if each encounter was one deserving of a heart connection? How would you behave differently?

Walking in Circles—Experience the Labyrinth!

2008-04-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I saw an article in Hana Hou, Hawaiian Airline’s in-flight magazine with a picture of The Sacred Garden labyrinth in it. Can you tell me more about the labyrinth and what I would get walking it? I’ve heard about it, but don’t really get why I’d want to “walk around in circles” when it seems like I do that all day long! Thanks.

Aloha,
I cannot tell you what you, specifically, will get out of the labyrinth walk because it is a personal experience, different for everyone. With that said, I can tell you how to get the most out of the labyrinth walk and assist you in understanding why you might want to try it. I can also help you see how to gain benefit while you are “walking around in circles all day long!”

Without going into any of the history, the “labyrinth” I’m referring to is not a maze; there is only one path to the center and the same path brings you back out. I have found it to be the perfect “practice ground” for all of the essential life skills that I teach. The skills can be practiced and mastered on the labyrinth and then applied in your relationships and daily life.

As you walk into the labyrinth, the object is to practice self-observation. In my experience this is one of the most important skills that we can develop. Self-observation brings about awareness. When we are aware of what we are doing and thinking, we realize we have the power to choose differently if what we are thinking or doing are not serving us. When we find our minds wandering as we walk, we can practice focusing on the present moment, on the walk.

When we become aware of what we are experiencing on the labyrinth, we can look at what that represents metaphorically in our lives. For instance, if you are bored on the labyrinth, boredom is probably an issue in your life. If you judge others on the labyrinth, judgment is your issue. If you worry about what people are thinking of you as you walk, your need for approval is your issue. So the labyrinth acts as a sort of microscope shining light on the areas of our being that may need a little shifting. In addition, it serves as a place to experience peacefulness and calm, where we can quiet the busy-ness of our minds and really listen to the whisper of our hearts. We can gain clarity as we walk, receive answers to our questions, let go of stress and discover richer aspects of our being.

What does that have to do with relationships? Imagine being in relationships when one or both people are self-aware, know how to reduce their stress and access their inner wisdom when problems need to be resolved! The better we know ourselves and the better self-mastery we have, the better our relationships are going to be.

The labyrinth walk can also shine a light on various dynamics of your relationship. Perhaps as you walk, you become aware that you are more comfortable when one partner is leading. Perhaps you realize that you pay so much attention to wondering whether your partner is enjoying him/herself that you don’t pay any attention to enjoying yourself. You may find there are times where you are walking side by side, only to find moments later that you are on opposite sides, going opposite ways.

The labyrinth is a rich field of metaphor so what is revealed to you as you walk in partnership will undoubtedly be revealing of issues that could use some awareness. As we simply observe our experience in the labyrinth, we gain valuable insights into our lives and ourselves.

The same holds true when you find yourself “walking in circles” throughout your day. Simply become observant and notice what is being revealed to you.
At the very worst you will have a peaceful and pleasant experience. Perhaps that is all you really need!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How would your relationships benefit if you were calmer, clearer and more centered?

Love Tip of the Week: When what we are doing isn’t working, we have to do something different. Remain open-minded to the possibility that the “something different” is something you’ve never tried before or that won’t make sense to you until you do!

Perfect Strangers—whose hand is in your life?

2008-04-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about your relationship with absolute strangers? Okay, so maybe you’ve thought about your relationship with strangers that you actually encounter during the day, but what about the ones you have never met? Maybe even those not even born yet?

You know how coffee commercials always target the romance of sharing a cup of coffee with someone you love—and know? These commercials have often been successful in activating the emotional tug of wanting to sit with my mom one more time, drinking coffee over a great conversation, like I see on TV. These commercials play on the power of our relationships to sell coffee and it works. How many of us have had a pleasant social moment sharing our hearts over a cup of coffee?

Well, now as The Sacred Garden is beginning to venture into coffee harvesting (yes, we’re aiming for Sacred Grounds!) and I am discovering how much work goes into coffee harvesting and production, I can’t help but acknowledge how many unknown strangers I’m involved with.

Now when I go for that morning brew, rather than just enjoying the ritual with my husband or daughter or friend, instead I’ll be forced to acknowledge how many strangers I’m actually sharing that cup of coffee with—the farmers who grew it, the people who picked, pulped, fermented, dried, packaged and roasted it. How many people put energy into the single cup of coffee that we enjoy in the morning?

Have you ever thought back even further than that to the people who figured out that coffee (or sushi, or spaghetti, or whatever), if put through this intensive process, would turn out this way? How many people were involved in the trial and error process of discovery that led to our present daily routine?

Next time you are feeling like you are all alone in the world, consider how many people have contributed to the creation of the newspaper you are reading, the computer you work on, the building you are living or working in, the car that you drive and the streets you drive on—the number of strangers we are in relationships with is mind boggling when you really think about it. They contributions others make impact every aspect of our lives.

There is a great story about three men who were laying stone when a man came along and asked them what they were doing. The first man said, “Laying stone.” The second man said, “Making a wall” and the third said, “Building a cathedral.” Imagine how differently the man who knew he was building a cathedral would feel about his life than the one who was simply building a wall. He knew in his heart that his work was extending beyond the moment to impact thousands of people for centuries to come.

I had a similar shift in realities when I was teaching school. I didn’t like my job when I thought I was teaching math, English, social studies and science, but when I suddenly realized I was teaching children, the whole experience changed for me.

Have you ever considered the impact that you make on others—including the strangers that you never meet and may never even know about? While many people sit around thinking that their lives don’t hold a lot of meaning, my guess is that they haven’t stopped to consider how many people’s lives they contribute to, or could contribute to, by just doing what they do for a living or maybe even by simple acts of kindness during the day. Have you ever thought beyond your immediate task to look at the “bigger picture” of what you do and the difference you make?

You can shift your experience and sense of connection with others by simply raising your awareness and appreciation of the contribution others make to your life and the contribution you make to the lives of others—even without meeting.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who does your life impact-and how?

Love Tip of the Week: They say fingerprints can literally stay on objects for decades. Think beyond the present moment and know that your reach, your touch, is much further than the here and now.

What Does Your Money Reveal About YOU?

2008-04-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

In preparing for the imminent tax reality, and in light of a hard drive crash that destroyed two years of records (I know, I know, BACK UP!), I have been entering the last two years of finances into my computer. In the process, I found myself reliving all these memories as I looked at checks I wrote. With each check I relived all the decisions I’ve made, all the steps I have taken and how far things have come in the last two years. Oddly, it was as sentimental as looking through a photo album.

When I got to the part where I could look at the year-end summaries, I was shown clearly what I had spent my money on and to in what proportions I utilized it. While looking at finances is not usually one of my favorite things to do, I realized how much one could tell about me by looking at how I chose to spend money. All of my business choices and improvements, vacations, tragedies, even romance—everything was spelled out in my financial choices.

I remember when I was twenty-one I was looking through old records of my grandma’s from the early 1900’s and marveling over how much she spent on clothes. Back in those days, $100 was like $1000 and to me it seemed she must have been eccentric in her shopping. I didn’t get that gene. Ironically now, I look at my own records and marvel on how little I’ve spent on myself.

I invite you do a little self-analysis and simply notice what you value. Do you balk at spending $20 on a bottle of vitamins but not think twice over spending it on a case of beer, or fingernail polish? Do you cringe over spending money on exercise classes, but not think twice about spending it on trinkets? When you look back on how you spent last year’s money, which values are revealed? What does your mouth say is important versus where you put your money?

So what does this have to do with relationships? Let’s look at our relationship with money…and maybe even what your money expenditures reveal about your relationships. Have you spent money on time together? Have you spent money on gaining skills and tools that will increase the quality of the time you spend together? Have you spent money on taking care of yourself? Perhaps even more interesting, how do money issues impact your relationship decisions? Do you stay with someone because of money? Do you not date someone because of money? Does your financial stability (or lack thereof) impact the people you date? Do you and your partner agree on how money is spent?

The same holds true for time use. How do you spend your time? What does the way you spend your time say about you? Time is this incredible blank canvas that we get to paint. What does your picture look like?

As an exercise in learning about yourself, make a list of the things that you value. Then make a list of the things that you spend money on. Are they the same? What about time? Draw a big circle on a piece of paper and then divide the circle up (like a pie) for each thing you spend your time on (or money) sizing the slices proportionately based on how much time is used for each. For instance, if work is one of your slices, how much of your time do you spend working? Health? Organization? Spiritual life? Social life? What about your love life? How much time to you dedicate to that? When I say dedicate, I don’t just mean time spent in the same room together; I mean time spent dedicated to being together or sharing an experience together.

Notice how much time you spend on things that really don’t matter to you all that much.
Take note that how you spend your time and money is how you reveal what you value and treasure. If you find that what truly matters to you isn’t getting the value that you believe it deserves, that awareness is the golden opportunity to do something different.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does your time/money use reveal about you?

Love Tip of the Week: Put your time and money where your heart is.

Spring Cleaning

2008-03-28T10:20:00.001-07:00

We are all familiar with the concept of “spring cleaning” as a time for going through our physical belongings and removing the clothes that no longer fit, letting go of things we no longer need and organizing that which we want to keep. But have you ever considered the onset of Spring to be the perfect opportunity to let go of behaviors that no longer fit, clean up loose ends in old relationships, forgiving those who have hurt us and apologizing to the those who we may have harmed? In other words, Spring is the perfect time for growth, yet growth can be stunted by the “weeds” that may have found their way into our hearts.

I invite you to take a look at your life. How is it working? How is the health of your relationships? What about your relationship with your body? With God? With Money? And what about your relationship with your living space? Your garden? Your workspace?
So often we think of our relationships as solely our romance ties, but we are in relationship with everything and everyone in our lives. Spring Cleaning on the emotional level involves a lot of self-inquiry, so I ask you again, how is it working? Have you allowed jealousy to take root? What about possessiveness? Are you judging others? Are you doubting yourself? Do these thought patterns still “fit you? Do they serve your well- being? Do they serve your relationships?

Is there anything that you can do to clean up a relationship from the past so that your energy is free to move on? Is it as simple as a phone call, an apology, returning something, paying off a debt, forgiving a debt, completing an unfinished or promised task? Is there anything you can do differently that would nudge your current relationship into a healthier state? Telling the truth, giving in a little, holding your ground, knowing your boundaries, having compassion? What would set you free?

When we find that a lot of our energy is being spent on matters of the ego, we are caught in the turmoil of suffering. Ego makes us feel like a victim. Ego believes that someone wronged us or that someone else should make things right for us. Ego believes that the other person should do the work, change…“get it”.

Spirit knows that the world won’t look any different until we choose to see it differently. Spirit knows that if we don’t like what we are experiencing we need to choose to do something differently.

Ego makes up stories to fill in the blanks of what we don’t know—stories that never ever serve us. Spirit realizes that we truly know very little and the more we stop pretending to know, the more peaceful we are.

Ego thinks everything is so very important. Spirit knows how very little is truly important—and exactly what that is.

Ego thinks that other people owe us something. Spirit knows that we are here to serve.
Notice when you are unhappy or angry or frustrated, whether it is your spirit that is upset or your ego-self. My guess is that you will find that your spirit is never really upset. Your spirit knows the bigger picture.

When you tackle “inner spring cleaning,” I invite you to simply notice when your mood is coming from your ego and see if you can make the subtle shift into the spirit. Look at where your mental energy goes and see if you can simply reframe your thinking to set yourself free. Choose to run a different story, think a different thought, or ask your mind to be quiet for a moment. See if you can shift from pain to freedom, from suffering to peace.

Look at your relationships and see what you can do differently—without expecting anyone else to change—to make the relationship happier, healthier, and stronger—or to free yourself from the ones that no longer serve you.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What in your life no longer fits?

Love Tip of the Week: Spring is a great invitation to grow, to bloom, to shine and to shift.

Is it Jealousy or Self-Esteem?

2008-03-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I could really use some sound advice in a relationship issue. I wish I could explain the kind of woman I have found, and I thank God for her every single day. She is amazing. We both have a wonderful relationship with the Lord, and we treat each other with respect and have agreed that we will get married one day. I want this, and am very thankful for it! However, I have a few "jealousy" issues I need some help with.

It’s silly, really. I don’t believe she would ever cheat on me now or in marriage. That is not the issue. She is a lovely girl. I mean, REALLY beautiful, in any man's eyes. She has long, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, a figure to die for and large breasts. I see men look at her all the time, up and down, and often stare at her chest. It bothers me so badly, to a point that it shouldn't. I have discussed this with her, because I try to be very open. Some of her shirts are kind of "tight" or when she leans over its incredibly noticable. But truthfully, they aren't THAT bad. She has trouble with fitting issues, and I feel for her. We have a few quarrels over it, nothing major. I just hate this. I know it comes with the territory, but I need to grow up I suppose.
I need some advice on how to change my outlook, and my way of thinking about this. Its crippling on the inside, and its not fair to her when it puts me in a terrible mood, which it has done quite a few times. Any advice would be.... awesome. Thank you so much in advance. I'm sure you are aware of the service you provide for people, and you will be greatly rewarded for it :-) God bless you.

Aloha,
Since you say that you trust her, the issue isn’t really trust. Since you have her (and the other guys don’t), the issue isn’t actually jealousy. The real issue here is a self-esteem issue. Notice what you think when you see people looking at her. My guess is that on some level you don’t feel deserving of such a wonderful woman and therefore are worried that someone better will take her away. When you plug into that feeling, you switch into an energy of lacking confidence and a need to control, which quite honestly is the very energy that will push your girlfriend away.

Since you clearly know what is wonderful about her, I invite you to spend some time looking at what is wonderful about you. Take an assessment of all of your good qualities, what you bring to the table and why, of all the men in the world, she has chosen you. This isn’t a means of building your ego or superficiality, but rather as a true recognition of your own worth. When you know you deserve to be with her, you will be able to rest in the presence of others who admire her. Rather than being possessive, you will be proud. This, my friend, is an inside job and a choice. Since you can’t change the way the rest of the world responds to your girlfriend, and you don’t want to change the way she looks, the only reasonable option her is to change the way you react when the situation comes up.

Recognize that your concern is based in fear. Underneath that fear, is what you love and want to protect. The problem is that when your reactions are based on your fear, you are only serving to push away the very thing you wish to protect. Instead, base your responses on honoring that which you love. Rather than being jealous, choose to be proud. Rather than criticizing your girlfriend while the rest of the world is complimenting her, choose to be her biggest fan—and your own.

Go to my blog (askeveadvice.com) and read the Five Essential Life Skills. Apply them to this situation and you will be able to turn this all around.
I wish you the best.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you deserve?

Love Tip of the Week: Every moment is a new opportunity to align your thoughts, words and actions with what you are trying to create.

Bring Enthusiasm to Your Relationships

2008-02-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

In January, my husband and I adopted a young lady who had been my student years before and her five-year-old daughter. Suddenly, I became a mom and a grandma all in one fell swoop
I have to admit that seeing the world through the eyes of a five year old is an excellent reminder to lighten up. She, and my cats, were clearly put in my life to remind me to play and have fun, no matter what I am doing.

Yesterday while taking a walk with my daughter and granddaughter, we decided to jog. Thoughts began to run through my mind of how long it had been since I’d been jogging and I started to wonder how far I’d actually be able to do it. The more I thought like this, the less enjoyable jogging became. Lo and behold the little one came running up from behind me with a big smile on her face and took my hand as if to say, “isn’t this fun?”! In a moment of self-observation I realized that jogging happily or jogging miserably were as simple as a choice—either way, I was jogging. I’m quite certain that her thoughts had nothing to do with the past or the future as mine did. Her thoughts were solely in the present moment in which we were happily running on the beach together on an absolutely beautiful day.

When I am faced with cleaning the house or some other mundane task, the little one runs over and asks what she can do to help. Whether sweeping, dusting, or feeding the dogs, she tackles each as if it were a game rather than a chore.

Whenever music comes on she jumps up and says, “Let’s dance!” Then she moves with passion to the beat as if the music is a part of her soul. I remember when I was five and would dance like that, no matter who was watching.

And then, of course there is the realm of relationships. We all melt when she jumps up and down and runs to the door joyful to see us when we come home from wherever we’ve been. I can’t help but wonder how different our relationships would be if we all looked at our partners through our own inner five year old eyes and greeted them with such enthusiasm. What if we got in as many hugs and kisses as we possibly could each day? What if we turned every task into an adventure? What if we were excited about meeting new people and telling them all about our favorite things and inviting them to dance with us?

When do we get disconnected from these child-like engagements with life and others? My guess is that it is a gradual process of disconnect rather than a wake-up-one-day-with-a-bad-attitude kind of thing. What I am 100% sure of is that these child-like qualities—enthusiasm, creativity, joy, imagination, compassion, loving kindness, energy—don’t actually go away; instead, our access to them gets blocked by our beliefs and our experiences. Somewhere along the way someone manages to squash our enthusiasm, telling us to grow up, stop being silly, putting us down or possibly not being joyful recipients of our loving kindness. Slowly we learn to protect that part of ourselves and keep it a secret. Unfortunately for many of us, our defense mechanisms—designed to keep us safe—start to build up such a thick wall that we, ourselves, forget about our secret, sacred selves, too.

While it may not be appropriate to evoke our child-like enthusiasm in every situation, it would certainly be nice if we had the choice and could access it when we wanted. For instance, to gleefully greet those we love without any fear of “losing face” or to fully engage in the present moment of petting a cat, seeing a rainbow, washing the dishes or taking a jog.

Begin to self-observe how you are showing up and see if you can bring forth joy into your daily life and into your relationships. After all, “elation” is the core of rELATIONships.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: When was the last time you simply played make believe?

Love Tip of the Week: Enthusiasm comes from the root word En Theo, meaning In God. Practice gratitude and you will be introduced, or re-introduced, to your child-like enthusiasm for life.

Why Do The Work?

2008-02-09T22:12:00.001-08:00

Dear Eve,
I read your column weekly and I really like what you have to say, however, it seems like so much work to constantly be self-aware and careful about our words, thoughts and actions. I see the value for keeping relationships functional, but there are times when I just want everyone to grow up and deal with it. Why should I be the one to do all the work in relationships?

Aloha,
First of all, relationships are indeed a lot of work, but as you have probably heard me say before, the work is not on the relationship; it is on yourself. While the bad news about that is that that means you have to do the work to take responsibility for your part as the primary ingredient in every relationship you are in, the good news is that this empowers you.

When you stop trying to change the rest of the world and all the people in it and only focus on your own personal and spiritual journey, you are free. Any other way makes you a victim. Even your desire for them to all “grow up and deal with it” disempowers you simply because they won’t or don’t or can’t. You create suffering for yourself when you hold an expectation of others that they will not meet. Consequently, if you let go of your expectation (i.e. ego need for control) and focus instead on strategizing to respond to the rest of the world in a way that is more likely to lead to your goals, you will be much happier and powerful over your life experience.

You can, of course, always just let them “deal with it”, (“it” being you) but remember that this choice will bring a set of consequences that may make your life miserable. People just “deal with it” in a variety of frightening ways and consequently, you will then just have to deal with their behavior, too.

Here is another thing to consider: All this work to transcend your ego, learn to work with/love others, discover your true inner source of joy and empower yourself serves you no matter what the results are for your relationships. It is truly my belief that our human experience is designed for us to master this process of being authentic and taking responsibility for our own joy and happiness. I believe we are here on a soul level to figure this out.

However, if that is too airy-fairy for you or too spiritual, simply consider that all this personal work is preparation. Afterlife (or next life) aside, consider it preparation for when you are old, or sick, or in an accident, or grieving, or poverty stricken or lovelorn. When everything is going well, these skills are not so critical (nor is your relationship with God, perhaps) but when life takes those incredibly challenging turns that is when we find out how valuable life as a training ground has been. That is when you will wish you had been practicing all along. That is when our skill is put to the test.

For instance, my family was originally a family of six—mom, dad, two brothers and two sisters. My dad who is now eighty, has had to endure the loss of one son who went sailing around the world and got lost at sea, his other son who died recently of a brain tumor and his wife of fifty five years to ALS. I, too, have had to deal with these losses.

As I watch my father now, he continues to teach me. I realize that all the years of meditation, studying spiritual truths, and every effort to be a good, honest, respectful, compassionate man did not stop him from experiencing these losses, but did provide him with skills and tools for dealing with them. In the midst of absolute despair, he knows where to find strength and it is not from anything outside of him—things that disappear, or change—but on that which is always there, constant, unwavering.

I promise, the work to transcend your ego and align with the truth of who you are will serve you over time—as well as those you are in relationship with.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the week: What are you really here for?

Love Tip of the Week: The choice to honor ego and fear will only cause you pain. The choice to honor your authentic self rather than your ego self will continuously serve you.

Mindful Relationships vs. Multi-Tasking Madness

2008-02-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

This morning I decided to eat mindfully then, halfway through my lunch, I suddenly realized that my conscious mind missed the first half of my sandwich. I was typing unmindful that I was eating. So with the next bite, I ate more mindfully, paying attention to the different tastes as they passed over my tongue.

Then, since I was simultaneously typing this article (multitasking is surely against the mindfulness “rules”), I decided to type with mindfulness. Normally when I type my fingers fly across the keyboard and I pay no attention to them whatsoever. In fact, that is one of the things I like about typing, it is like my hands know a foreign language and they are so fluent that I don’t have to even think about what they are trying to say, rather, I just allow them to say it. But today, I decide to put my awareness in my fingertips, mindfully. I feel the smoothness of my keyboard; almost soft it is so smooth. I notice each movement of my hand.

With all my attention in my fingers, I start thinking about where the letters are and suddenly I make typo after typo, as if it is unconsciousness that allows my fingers to type, not consciousness. I take another bite and realize how hard it is to be truly mindful of two things at once. I wonder if my extremely multi-taking life could really handle mindful living on an ongoing basis. How would I drive, talk on my cell phone, navigate, drink water, plan to the next day and make my “to-do” list, if I paid true and mindful attention to everything I did. And then the thought crosses my mind, how do I truly live, if I do not? Just like the first half of the sandwich that my mind fully missed while I thought about other things, how much of our lives are we missing while we unmindfully do so much? I realize it isn’t the mindfulness I should sacrifice for the multi-tasking, it is the other way around.

I can’t help but wonder how a multitasking lifestyle impacts relationships. What if we were really present with each and every person we spoke to? I have few regrets in life but the thing I will always regret is not being more mindful when my mom called to talk. I remember that I was always happy to hear from her, but I also remember doing a lot of other things while I talked with her, not giving her my full attention nor giving myself hers. That is the one thing I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for now that I can no longer have phone conversations with my mom. But am I still guilty of doing the same thing with other people that I love! I have been known to be talking to my husband, while simultaneously opening email, instant messaging with at least two other people and watching TV at the same time.

Do we “multitask” because we have so much to do, or because we are consciously or unconsciously avoiding being truly present and mindful with someone else? What is so important that we don’t have the time to be truly present to love and communication?
While I may be mindful in one area of my life, simultaneously there are many areas that I am not; the same is likely true for you. My mindfulness seems to work more like a roving spotlight, shining on one thing then the next, seldom illuminating the whole of me—and my life at once. For some, that spotlight hasn’t even ever been turned on, no self-observation has ever taken place; the beauty, power and peacefulness of the present moment has never been experienced at all.

While it may not be possible to be mindful all day long, in every moment, the power of a mindful moment each day shared with someone you love can make a relationship strong and loving. A mindful moment with yourself can keep you peaceful and capable of being strong and loving.

Intellectual Foreplay Questions of the Week: How would the world be different if we all practiced mindful living?

Love Tip of the Week: Give the present moment, whatever it holds, your full attention for even just a few minutes each day. There you will discover peace, joy, love, and connection.

Sex...what is YOUR reason?

2007-11-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

Why people have sex doesn’t seem like a mystery, but recently a study was done at the University of Texas, surveying people and asking that very question. We might assume that “It feels good” or “I wanted to show my love” or “I wanted to get pregnant” were among the top contenders of maybe five or so reasons, but we would be way off the mark! The study found that people answered that question with over 200 distinct reasons! Interestingly, “revenge,” “fear,” “loneliness,” “possession,” “control,” “I didn’t know how to say no,” “I was obligated,” or “I wanted to make up from a fight,” were also among the answers.
The study gives cause to wonder why we do some of the things we do in our own lives—why we have chosen to be with the people we have chosen, why we have opted to get married—or opted not to, and yes, the many reasons why we have had sex over the course of a lifetime. Even within one marriage or relationship, our reasons for having sex may vary from time to time.
It caused me to think about some of the reasons I had heard over the years, like the time years ago when my then-boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and explained that with this act he was his way of “saying goodbye.” That was an interesting one—more interesting now than it was at the time!
As I reviewed the study’s list of reasons for having sex, ironically, many of the reasons mentioned for saying yes are the very same reasons we might be wise to say no—at least if a true relationship—or self-respect, were part of our agenda: “I was drunk,” “I was curious about what he/she was like in bed,” “My hormones were out of control,” “I wanted to give him/her an STD,” “I wanted to punish myself,” “I was afraid to say no,” “It was an initiation into a club,” “I wanted to humiliate the person,” “I wanted to break up my relationship (or someone else’s),” “peer pressure,” “I wanted to be popular,” “someone dared me,” “I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me,” “I wanted to get a promotion (or a job),” “I wanted to hurt someone else,” among several others scary answers.
When all was said and done, the researchers were able to categorize all the reasons into four main reasons: Physical Reasons, Goal Attainment Reasons, Emotional Reasons, and Insecurity Reasons. Interestingly but not surprisingly there were significant differences between men and women’s reasons. Men showed a significantly greater endorsement of having sex for physical reasons, for pure pleasure and as a means of improving social status. Women exceeded men on emotional and insecurity reasons, although both men and women had sex for all four categorical reasons.
With all this in mind, I invite you to carefully become aware of your reasons when you are thinking about having sex. I know, I know, we aren’t often thinking when sex is involved. In fact, I have found that people tend to pick their partners on “looks good” and “feels good” far more often than because the situation or the choice really is good. The thinking tends to come later around the time we start paying for our mistakes.
If you are married or in a similar committed relationship, I also invite you to look at the reasons you choose not to have sex. This is an entirely different topic, but equally interesting as similar power plays can emerge in the withholding from a loved one.
It is not always a pretty picture as our ego needs for control and approval are exhibited in our sexual behavior. Imagine how you would judge your own reasons for having sex, or not having sex, if they were published in a national survey. This simple act of awareness could make a big difference on the choices that you make.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Why have you had sex?

Love Tip of the Week: Remember that if love is your goal, (whether love for others or self) ego is the obstacle. When choosing to have sex, or not to have sex, see if you can choose from your spirit, your authentic self, rather than your ego.

The Mask of Anonymity

2007-10-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, my brother and I had a few parties, but the Halloween party was truly the scariest, not so much in the typical Halloween sort of ways but in how people behaved when hidden behind the cloak of anonymity (or Dracula…). Friends who would normally never steal or vandalize, in costume and unrecognizable did exactly that. We awoke the morning after to find a huge mess, broken items and things missing from our home. The same reality happens each year here on Halloween, I have walked Front Street a hundred times and yet, only in the dark of Halloween night under the guise of mask and costume has anyone ever reached out to grab me inappropriately.

This raises an interesting question: Who are you behind the mask? Does anonymity bring out the best or the worst in you? Another interesting opportunity for self-inquiry, what masks do you choose to wear? Do you choose costumes that represent your shadowy dark side, or your more altruistic character? What part of your personality do you fuel on Halloween night?

Anonymity isn’t exclusive to costume parties though, take the Internet for instance. When we date or interact with others online, we wear the mask of a computer screen shielding us from being known. Only that which we choose to reveal can be seen. In many cases this anonymity has been the freedom people have sought in relationships for years, the opportunity to truly be themselves with full disclosure of the best and worst aspects of themselves. Many use the Internet as an opportunity to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and experience that catharsis. Others, however, use that same anonymity as the perfect opportunity to deceive, or twist and bend the truth into unrecognizable proportions. I’ve seen people say hurtful things via the Internet that they would never say to someone’s face. Somehow, not having to see the pain we inflict on another can bring out a sloppier level of care for the feelings of our fellow human beings.

And then there is the anonymity of what we do when no one is looking. Would you steal if you knew you wouldn’t get caught? Would you, or do you, cheat in your relationships? What do you do when your parents, your children, your spouse/partner, your boss or coworkers aren’t looking? Often, when our behavior is controlled by forces outside of ourselves we not only rebel against the powers that be when we get a chance, but ironically, we also unconsciously rebel against our authentic self in retaliation. When we lie, hurt, cheat or steal, we harm our own souls as well as other’s.

As you don your costumes this week, I invite you to look not only at the mask you wear for Halloween, but at the mask you wear all year long. How real are you? Who do you pretend to be? Take steps to align who you really are and how you want to show up in the world with how you do show up—even when no one is looking. Knowing our own spiritual values and having a strong self-governance can save a lot of heartache.

Perhaps it would be refreshing this Halloween, to show up to the party as your authentic self, maybe for the very first time. Take off the costume of drama, ego, need, and lack and put on the reality of compassion, honesty, abundance and freedom. Transcend the “trick,” and enjoy the “treat.”

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you when no one is looking?

Love Tip of the Week: Who you are when no one but you knows is the true test of character.

The Master Course

2007-10-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Halloween paints a skewed picture of death. I realized this when I was caring for my dying mother, taking her for walks through neighborhoods decorated with tombstones complete with skeletal hands emerging from the ground, bloody skulls, bodiless heads, dangling ghosts, mummies and monsters. At this time of year, haunted houses (and television) feature the fear and horror of death—a reflection of our fear of the unknown and our vast ability to imagine the worst. It was a horrifying sight to have juxtaposed over our impending loss.

My experience with dying friends and relatives though, is quite different. While accompanied with deep emotion and a sense of tragedy, death is a spiritual experience as magnificent as birth. It quickens an awakening of the soul, and a deeper knowledge of the soul’s existence—both for those dying and those who care for them. If life’s purpose is to discover this aspect of ourselves and transcend our ego’s need for approval and control, death is the master course. My mom’s need for approval was completely transcended when she found herself (due to A.L.S.) unable to move or speak. She discovered through the death process that love was not about doing and saying things to gain approval, it had to do with who she was and her own capacity to show love—something she could do without words or actions. My brother’s need for control is continuously transcended as his brain tumor worsens; he repeatedly discovers he really has no control. We are all just along for the ride, and while there are certainly things that we can do to “control” our lives and manifest our reality, if Spirit doesn’t want the same thing for us, Spirit wins. So, do we really have control? True approval and control are generated from an alignment with our authentic selves, our true essence—love, not from our efforts to gain approval and control.

I’d like to invite you to take a look at your relationship with the sick and dying. Many of us avoid visiting people who are ill for a myriad of reasons ranging from our own fear of death to the avoidance of dealing with our own grief to simply not knowing what to say. We couldn’t do a greater disservice to ourselves or to those we are avoiding. While those who are dying notice which of their friends disappear from their lives, even more importantly, our avoidance of death only compounds our inability to deal with it. One thing we are assured of in life is that we will, at some point, have to face death–both in ourselves and in our loved ones.

When I was a school counselor two students lost their mother to illness and, technically, it was my job to check on them. Unfortunately, at that time, my greatest fear in life was the thought of losing my own mother so the thought of talking to them brought up all of my own fears. I avoided them for several months not knowing what to say or how to help. Thank goodness Hospice sent Bereavement Coordinator Prakash Mackay over to train me in helping children deal with grief. He explained that adults avoid helping children with grief because they are afraid of dealing with their own. I was guilty and I knew it.

I invite you to embrace the opportunity to discover the beauty of death by spending time with friends and family who are ill. Don’t worry about what to say, just be with them. Hold their hands, rub their feet, be present. Simply show up for them while simultaneously being self-observant of the emotions that rise in you. Allow yourself to feel. This is called living. Avoiding that which you fear, whether it be death or emotion, doesn’t diminish either; it only stuffs it below the surface where it affects you unconsciously.

This Halloween season, see if you can celebrate ancestors, feel at one with the spirit world, befriend death as a spiritual awakening and leave the horror to Hollywood.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How is your relationship with the sick and dying?

Love Tip of the Week: Seldom has anyone regretted the time they spent caring for or visiting a loved one who was dying. Regret comes from not doing so.

Is she really gone?

2007-10-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

My girlfriend and I had been dating for two years. She talked about marriage and kids and how much she loved me and couldn’t be with anyone else. Then we both went away to college, I on another island and she on the mainland. She began college straight away and sent me card saying how much she loved me and how being away from me made her realize how much she wanted to be with me.
I continued to get calls and emails however I started to get a weird feeling that something was changing. Then, my sister called me and told me my girlfriend had changed her relationship status on Facebook.com from “in a relationship” to “nothing.” I started to get really concerned at this point however she sent me another email telling me she only is thinking of me. I was very confused, so I called her up and confronted her and she started crying. To cut a long story short, she confessed to cheating on me and broke up with me. At first she sounded like she would want to get back together when she got back, but I kept calling her asking for answers and she seemed to push further away and almost act cruel towards me. She wrote me an email saying she knows she is making the wrong choice but she needs her freedom. She says if she commits to me now, she will feel trapped and resentful and will likely hurt me again. She still talks about getting married someday, but can’t be faithful now.
Why is she acting cruel? Why hasn’t she taken any down time after are split? Do you think we have a chance together or do you think she has really moved on?
Thanks.

Aloha,
I’m sorry you are going through such a painful time. Here is my take on the situation: she is being cruel because she told you, clearly and lovingly, what she needed and you didn’t want to accept that. She said she needed freedom even though it was the wrong choice and you pushed her to make a different decision. She told you she knew if she committed to you that she would feel trapped and hurt you again, but you didn’t want to accept that answer. Ultimately, she is being cruel to push you away so that you will accept the very same decision that she already told you about in a less cruel way.
My best guess is that she hasn’t taken any down time because it hurts. Down time leaves room for feeling guilty and lonely and even though it is a healthy choice to work through those emotions, it isn’t any fun. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t upset about losing you and hurting you, but in her mind this time of her life is rare and she wants to take advantage of it. Believe me, the first time she gets hurt by someone, she will start to feel the loss and mourn her choices.
Even though you are a good guy and have been a great person in her life, she is at a time in her development where needs to discover who she is, what she really wants and make her own decisions, right or wrong. The good news is that she is taking the time to do this BEFORE she gets married and has children. So many people experience this melt down well after they are married and the consequences are far more devastating.
You will have to wait until she returns to see whether she has really moved on or not. In the meantime, do your best not appear desperate, needy or controlling of her (that will turn her off) and to the best of your ability respect what she is telling you she needs right now. Take this as your opportunity to explore, date, travel or do whatever you need to do to give yourself the same opportunity for growth and personal development so that when she comes back, you are an even more interesting person, who has allowed himself to grow and not be held back.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you not hearing?

Love Tip of the Week: There is a fine line between fighting for what you want and pushing it away. Listen to what people tell you. Honesty and respect are your best weapons in love.

Paralyzed—Is it Intuition or Fear?

2007-09-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
Sometimes I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't tell whether I am being intuitive about things happening or just afraid of what the future might hold. Do you have any suggestions for handling my fear…or knowing when to trust it? I feel overwhelmed over things that haven't even happened. I don't know what to do. Thanks.

Aloha,
Fear and intuition are hard to tell apart. Both are gifts meant to protect us or something we cherish-for example, our lives, our families, our relationships. The only way I know to tell the two a part is to pay attention to what you are feeling and inquire whether it makes you feel stronger and more capable (intuition) or weakens you and makes you crazy (fear)? Does the image empower you as if meant to help you protect yourself, or does it paralyze and debilitate you with anxiety, jealousy, or rage? Intuition is generated from your spirit, your heart-your authentic self. Fear is generated from ego, from your personality. My experience is that intuition is proactive and purposeful. Intuition makes us wiser and stronger. It does not make us become unreasonable and judgmental nor make us want to inflict pain or harm others. Intuition offers us information to strengthen and protect ourselves or someone else. Intuition offers the truth and even if painful, the truth will make you more authentic and more capable.

One of the most empowering things you can do when these emotions begin to rise is to stay in the present moment. This has been said so many times by so many people in the “self-help” industry that it sounds cliché, but it is a really important skill to master. What does it really mean to remain present? When you begin to feel upset or agitated by an impending change or situation or the possibility of one, self-observe and notice whether you are thinking about the past or the future and then consciously pay attention to what is happening right at that moment. This requires practice. I'm sure as you begin to be aware of the time-zone in which most of your thoughts take place, you'll be shocked to find that 90% (if not more) of your thoughts are either about the past or the future. Fear seldom happens in real-time, because when we find what we feared really is happening, fear gets replaced with other emotions-i.e. anger and hurt,

Future thinking is where fear sneaks up on us. Since the unknown is so uncomfortable, we make up stories to fill in the blanks of our ignorance. We don't know whether the stories are true or not, but we start believing them and even making decisions based on these made-up stories. We compound our problems ten-fold when we make up stories about the pain we think we are going to feel. Our stories then cause us to panic. In fact, the anticipation of suffering is often worse than the suffering itself (and it lasts longer!).

When you start getting panicky about what might happen:
1. Notice how you are feeling.
2. Inquire about what you are thinking that is causing you to feel the way you do.
3. Determine whether your thoughts are truly accurate or not.
4. If not, let them go and choose new thoughts, thus, creating new feelings.

If, when you are inquiring-of yourself or others- about the truth of your fears, and you find that they are true, that the things you fear are happening, use that information to help you strategize a solution or means of minimizing the impact. The beauty of fear is that hiding just underneath it is something you cherish and want to protect. Use your fear to red flag what matters to you and then create a plan for protecting and nurturing it.
With aloha,
Eve
.
Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you cherish?

Love Tip: Ironically, we tend to honor fear regardless of its base in truth and it often makes our lives more difficult, scary, and unmanageable while we tend not to honor intuition in spite of its truth, which could empower us, strengthen us and help us to avoid many difficult situations. Learn to tell the difference by paying attention to how you feel.

Divorce is Scarier than War

2007-09-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

Greetings Eve,
I really enjoyed reading your article about fear. My biggest fear as I venture onto the super highway of online dating is rejection.

I have been separated for almost a year now after my ex-wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore after a twelve-year relationship. I always feared she would leave and then that day arrived. I have been in combat several times after a twenty-one year career in the Marines and, I must say, this is by far the hardest event I have ever had to endure. I would much rather be in combat. What makes it worse is that we have a beautiful three-year-old daughter who I also fear will separate from me.

More than anything, I want to open my heart to someone special and fall in love like I felt when I met my ex-wife. I do not fear opening my heart just the path getting to that point.

Aloha,
Your statement of preferring to be in combat over going through a divorce was heart wrenching. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Remember that underneath fear is what you cherish and want to protect. So, if what you fear is rejection, it reveals that you value being loved, and accepted. If you approach dating and relationships as if you are open to loving and being loved, you will approach it very differently than if you approach it from fear of rejection. I am sure there is a combat analogy here, even though I've never been in combat. I imagine that if you face a battle allowing your fear to be your overwhelming emotion, that you are far less effective at doing your job and perhaps even in a more dangerous position than if you allow your overwhelming emotion to be a desire to stay alive, safe and careful. It is the same goal, just a different approach.

If you spent a good part of twelve years of marriage living in fear that your wife would leave you, it is possible that the energy you emanated and the comments that you may have made based in your fear, could have actually contributed to your wife's decision to leave. Had you focused the same amount of time and energy on loving and appreciating your spouse and family, you may have been able to turn the tables. This isn't to imply this is "all your fault," rather it is simply to point out that we are very powerful beings. Fear is a form of visualization and visualization is a powerful tool for manifestation. It is important that we visualize what we want to happen, rather than what we are afraid of happening.

As for your fear of losing your daughter, be careful not to recreate the same dynamic that happened with your ex-wife. As your daughter gets older, be sure to make your love for her the driving motivation of your actions, rather than your fear of losing her. When people are motivated by their fear of losing someone, they tend to turn into "energy vampires." Energy vampires give off an air of trying to get something from us, rather than give something to us-which is repelling rather than attracting. Give your love to your daughter rather than trying to get love from her, and she will feel the difference.

Now that you have survived losing what you most cherished, allow that to strengthen you so that you are not as fearful going into the next round, whether in an attempt to rekindle things with your ex or with someone new. Online dating is a “great” way to get over being “rejected” because so many people don't respond to the emails sent to them that you begin to realize that the ”rejection” isn't necessarily about you at all. They may not have been interested for a million reasons, including never getting your email. If you take that same recognition into the face-to-face world, you will realize that you can't take what other people do personally. If they aren't interested; move on to someone who is.
Good luck and thanks for all you have done to protect our country.
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: How are you different when you shift your focus from fear to love?

Love Tip: Falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is the part that requires skill.

Fear of Success

2007-09-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I am a woman and a successful entrepreneur- up to a point. It seems like every time I reach a certain level of success, something happens to stop it in its tracks. I feel like I have a voice in my head that doubts that I can truly be successful-especially as a woman. “It” says things like, “I wonder how long until this falls through” or “I have to be as tough as a man to do this work.” Even though I don't think I am overtly interfering with my success, things usually do fall through just before reaching completion. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to achieve a higher level of success and how I can get my thoughts to more adequately reflect my desires? Should I use affirmations?

Aloha,
There are several items to explore here: 1- your self-talk, 2- the reasons you are self-sabotaging and how to stop, 3-the usefulness of affirmations and 4- maintaining your femininity and your power at the same time.

Self-talk is the babble that goes on inside of everyone's head. Unfortunately, unless we are well trained, our self-talk is seldom nurturing and nourishing of our well-being and success. Instead it typically shows up as putdowns and self-doubt. A lot of people think they need to stop the flow of negativity that plays like a tape in their heads, but I don't think stopping the voice from expression is the key nor in most cases even possible. Instead, we need to learn to identify the “voice” and distinguish it from our intuition, learn from it and determine whether we want to honor it or not. By becoming aware of when we are “running a tape” that undermines our success, we can then make a choice-to let the tape dictate our lives, or to honor our success by replacing the voice with thoughts that are supportive of our well-being.

Becoming self-observant allows us to become aware which allows us to make choices which makes us powerful to change our circumstances. If we do not take these empowering steps, we become “victims” of our own thinking. Our thoughts actually covertly sabotage our overt efforts to be successful (or in relationship, or artistic, or healthy,…). It is helpful to understand that this self-sabotaging dialog is really trying to protect us from something, or trying to reveal to us something that we value, but we are unskilled at recognizing the message. If you ask yourself why you don't want to be successful, you will likely discover what it is that you are trying to protect by unconsciously sabotaging your success. Your answer might sound something like, “To be successful I will have to be hard and cold. If I'm wealthy, I could lose my friends and family through jealousy and because my time priorities will shift…) The theme being revealed is “I care about my relationships and my “softer side.”

By becoming aware of what you truly and deeply value you can then continue on your path toward success, but do so incorporating strategies to keep your priorities straight and to honor your relationships with friends and family in the process. Without awareness, either your fears will come true or your success will be sabotaged. Awareness will serve your goals and your relationships.

Affirmations can be useful to you as replacements for negative self-talk. Write some powerful affirmations that honor your femininity, relationships and success and repeat them when you become aware of your negative thoughts. For example, “I am powerful, wise and authentic as a woman in business. I honor my relationships with family and friends while simultaneously supporting my success. Money doesn't have the power to change my priorities; money will support my priorities.”

I encourage you also to journal about what it means to you to be feminine, and what it means to you to be successful. See if you can find the overlap and find ways to integrate the two. You may even want to create a collage of words and images that represent what it means to you to be strong, powerful, successful and a woman and use the collage as a visual affirmation of what you are creating.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What are you afraid of?

Love Tip: Underneath your fears you will find what you hold dear. That is the beauty of fear. Let it teach you about what you want to protect

Is this Trust or Foolishness?

2007-09-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Eve,
I met a man online and we’ve been together about six months, I am in my fifties, he is in his forties; we live about 15 minutes apart. His job requires that he travel a lot and I understand that. He is often gone a week or two at a time. The first two months we were together the sex was good, but now we are only having sex once every two months. Whenever he leaves town I take care of his house and his dog—who he refers to as “our daughter.” He used to come home on Friday and leave again on Saturday, now he comes home on Saturday and leaves again on Sunday.

When he is home, his cell will ring but he won’t answer it. One time he answered it and took the phone out into the garage to talk. I could hear a lady’s voice telling him that she loves him. I don't know what to do; I care about him. I told him when I met him that the only thing I don't like is cheating, drinking and lying. Now, I am starting to wonder if something is going on but he’s not telling me because he needs someone to take care his house. I need your advice, please ,,,

Aloha,
I know that you know that something isn't right here. Have you asked him what is going on? What does he say?
While it is important to have a conversation with him, it is even more important for you to listen to your intuition. My impression is that you believe he is lying and cheating, and that he is using you to take care of his house and his dog while he is away (with another woman?) It sounds like he strings you along by saying nice and encouraging things every now and then to keep you playing along. From the way it sounds, for four of six months, you have felt him pull away from you physically (and emotionally?).

Here is the challenge, as long as you know all of this and still allow it to continue, he is going to allow it to continue, too. He is in the middle of a win/win situation, while it appears you are in the middle of a lose/lose situation. YOU are the one who has to stop allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if he isn’t really taking advantage of you (which you’ll only know from talking to him), you feel like he is and your needs are not being met in this relationship. You need to either talk to him about what is bothering you, or simply stop being the maid and house/pet-sitter, and see what he says and does. If that is the only reason he is keeping you around, it will become apparent quickly when you let him know that you can no longer do so.

I suggest you go find a nice soothing, quiet spot in nature and ask yourself: what do I deserve? What am I settling for? What do I know in my heart of heart's that I am pretending not to notice? What do I need to do next? I am sure that the answers will become obvious quickly and you will no longer need my advice. You will simply need to follow through on what you already know.
I wish you the best,
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you getting out of your relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Often, when we think we don’t know what to do, we really just don’t want to do what we know we need to.

I Answered My Own Question

2007-09-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I’m a twenty-seven-year-old female, happy and independent and have just recently discovered my relationship patterns. I am at that age and stage where I am watching all my friends get married and want to avoid succumbing to the pressure to get into any relationship, vs. finding the right partner, i.e. a healthy partner. I realize now that I have chosen people who were abusive, addicted, possessive and controlling and now, with the New Year, wish to do relationships differently. Any suggestions?

Funny enough, I wrote this question to send to you but before I sent it I was wondering what you were going to answer. The more I imagined what you were going to say, the more I realized that I already knew the answer. I answered my own question!

So here is what I came up with; what do you think?
I figured you would start by congratulating me on recognizing my own patterns and making the decision to do something different. You would also probably tell me that I can’t find a healthy partner until I am healthy myself and recognizing my patterns is a good first step in the direction of health. I could hear you saying, “People only treat you the way you allow them to…” so the realization that I will no longer accept abusive or controlling behavior in my life is also another strong step in the right direction.

You would also tell me that if I want to meet healthy people, I need to look in healthy places—in workshops or yoga classes, or for someone who shares similar hobbies and values as I do. For instance, if I don’t want to meet an alcoholic, I shouldn’t look to meet men in bars or at parties.

You might also point out that just because many of my friends are getting married that it doesn’t mean the timing is right for me. I am far better off on my own than I would be pushing the marriage issue with the wrong person. While I would welcome a partner and relationship in my life, I am also really happy on my own. In fact, if I put the law of attraction to work—and if it is the highest good of all involved—I just need to ask for what I want with clarity, confidence and gratitude. I know if I focus on all that I have, love and want, I am far more likely to attract the right person/people into my life than I will if I am focusing on lack, scarcity or fear.

By the time I was done thinking the answer through, I realized that I already had the answers to my questions and there really wasn’t a problem in the first place.
I just wanted to share this with you. Thanks for the “unneeded” advice!

Aloha,
Wow. I’ve never been so happy to be “unneeded!” As an educator, I write this column with the hopes that I am providing the readers with the skills and tools they need to help themselves and you just did it beautifully!

I absolutely love that you resolved your own problem. THAT IS THE GOAL! I often think that if people took the time to write a “Dear Eve” question and answer it themselves, they would see what they are doing that doesn’t work and find their own solutions.

Believe it or not, I have even written myself a couple of “Dear Eve” questions in my journal about things that were bothering me. Somehow, when I see the problem on paper and apply the principle of taking responsibility for what I am feeling, I know what I need to do to resolve the issue. Writing it down and answering the question as if you are giving advice to someone else is a great way to get a different perspective on your problems. We’ve all heard the saying “What would Jesus do?” or the variation, “What would Buddha do?” Ultimately, if we bother to ask the question, we discover we know the right answer.
I wish you the best on your journey of discovery!
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What would YOU do?

Love Tip of the Week: You know what you need to do or say to make a situation better with someone else. Ego is usually what stops you from doing it.

Disclaimer

2007-09-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

PLEASE NOTE:
Eve has a Master's Degree in Education, a Teaching Credential and an honorary Doctor of Divinity Degree. She is NOT a counselor, but rather an educator. Her advice is designed to teach you new skills and tools TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS and TO HELP YOURSELF. Her perspective is only her opinion, so please TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for all your choices and decisions. Eve assumes no responsibility for the choices you make as a result of the advice she has offered. Thank you!

Is He Looking for Someone Better?

2007-09-13T16:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
Two months ago I met a man via an internet dating service. I have never done this before and I thought I would give it a go. I am 31 and he is 35. We have been on 8 dates, which basically means every weekend. We generally spend entire Saturdays together. Our dates are great and I enjoy his company and I am looking forward to getting to know him better. We laugh constantly, which is very important to me. Lately our conversations have been reaching a higher plateau, which to me signals that we are getting to know one another on different levels.

My issue is this - I can tell by looking at his online dating profile that he checks his account everyday. This means that he is out there looking to meet other women. After 8 dates, I think he should know if he wants to pursue just me. I can't mention it to him that I know because then I would look like a snoop. Knowing that he checks his online dating account everyday has not made me feel that he likes me less, it just makes me feel like he is looking for someone better.
What should I do?

Hi,
I suggest that first, before you talk to him about anything, determine where you want the relationship to go. A sense of competition can sometimes cause us to pursue something or someone that we wouldn't otherwise. Therefore, it is important to check in with yourself about your true motives, desires and interests before you talk to him about his. There is no point in talking to him about exclusivity and longevity, if you aren't totally sure you are interested yourself. What would you like to see happen-both in the short run and the long run?

Once you are absolutely sure about the direction you'd like this to go, by all means, ask him how he feels, and what he wants. If physical intimacy is brewing, it is a perfect opportunity to bring up the exclusivity issue. "I really like you, and I prefer to be monogamous when I'm intimate with someone. What are your feelings about that?" is a perfectly reasonable conversation to have. This could naturally lead to a conversation about whether you are both still members of the online dating site, and whether you are still interacting with others online.

Keep in mind also that when you say, "This means that he is out there looking to meet other women" that you are simply assuming an answer to your unasked questions. When we lack enough information to understand someone's behavior, we tend to make up reasons and believe that our make-believe stories are the truth. If you are going to make up stories, make up a full variety of explanations including stories with happy endings, rather than just "worst case scenarios."

While it is possible that he is still looking for other women, it is equally possible that he is logging online to politely and respectfully let anyone who has contacted him know that he isn't currently available. Or, he may be simply logging on to the dating site to check up on you and checking his account while he is in there, just like you are undoubtedly doing while you are on the site checking up on him. If that is true, he may be thinking you aren't really interested in him based on the same concerns you raise. The only way to know, is to have the conversation with him.

Good luck to you and congrats on meeting such a nice guy. Hopefully the relationship will continue to unfold in the direction you would like it to go!
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question:
Do you tend to trust until given a reason not to, or do you distrust until trust has been proven?

Love Tip: Don't fight a battle unless you are sure you want the prize. In other words, before you fight for someone's affection, or exclusivity, be sure you are willing to accept all that comes with "winning."

How Can I Trust Him?

2007-09-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I am writing to ask how common it is for people to encounter problems with old relationships interfering with new relationships. I am a woman in my late 40's who was involved with a man who had recently ended a relationship with another woman. He had very little contact with her for six months before he started seeing me, however shortly after, she began what seemed like a campaign to get back together with him. I did not realize she was asking him out and seeing him until about a month into my intimate relationship with him, and I was very upset when I found out. He seemed to think it was not a problem because he wasn't sexual with her, however I pointed out that he seemed to be in a private and intimate relationship with her and the only thing missing was the sex, which he was getting from me. I also felt he was secretive and deceptive with me.

I told him that it was obvious to me that she was trying to get back together with him, to which he responded it didn't matter what she wanted, it only mattered what he wanted, and he was not physically attracted to her and he had no desire to be in a romantic relationship with her again. They have a business relationship as well, so he needs to stay in touch.

My relationship with this man was doomed, and I feel that a lot of that had to do with his ex-girlfriend's behavior, however maybe it was doomed anyway due to other issues such as lack of trust. I don't know what to make of this man, and I certainly don't know what to make of this woman who knew about my relationship with her ex. What do you think?

Hi,
First of all, old relationships interfere with new relationships all the time-just as new relationships interfere with old relationships all the time. Wouldn't it be fabulous is we all respected each other's relationships and backed off when we realized that someone was involved with someone else? Unfortunately it doesn't often work like that. Rather, the human ego seems to think that there is nothing quite like a little competition to make an old sweetheart-or someone else's sweetheart-look like a good idea.

However, the reality is that other people aren't the ones who owe our relationships the honor and respect that we would appreciate, rather the people involved in the relationship are the ones we have to trust to honor, respect and protect the relationship-no matter who else wants in, or wants back in. Ultimately, your boyfriend was right about it not mattering what his ex wants; what he wants-as it relates to her- is what matters. So, with that said, it isn't what this woman did or said that “doomed” your relationship, it is what you and your boyfriend did and said that doomed it.

However, what you want is also relevant here. It sounds like you want him to be honest with you about seeing her-as friends or business associates. It also sounds like you want the “best friend” and the “lover” to be the in same relationship, not a situation in which she gets the friendship and you get the sex. I am not sure, however, that you communicated all that to him in a clean way that he could hear. Ego can cloud communication and jealousy, possessiveness and control are hard to listen to.

When you approach a relationship from a place of fear of loss, there is an entirely different energy than when you approach it from honoring what you treasure. Fear repels, honor attracts. When you communicate with others, make sure they know what you want and not just what you are afraid of, and make sure they feel your love and appreciation, not just your accusations. Let your heart do the talking instead of your ego.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Who is responsible for your comfort?

Love Tip: When you believe in yourself more, and value yourself more, you'll find that you trust others more. When you put your entire trust in yourself and in God, you'll find that it no longer matters what others do, it only matters how you respond to what they do.

Trust After Disappointment

2007-09-13T16:36:00.002-07:00

Dear Eve,
I would like to find out really if it is possible to really discover true love as I have had a series of disappointing relationships. I really believe that there are honest people, but I have some very strong issues with trust. Is it possible that I have some self-esteem issues that are not yet resolved?

Hi,
It is not only possible that you have some unresolved self-esteem issues, but it is virtually a guarantee (but don't worry almost everyone does!). “Trust issues” are just another term for “fear.” If you think about it a bit, you'll see that your lack of trust translates to fear that people will let you down, that they will lie to you, that you will never truly have a real relationship or worse yet, fear that you can not handle whatever life presents you and that you are not powerful over your circumstances, but rather that you are a victim of them.

The “beauty “ of fear is that, if you look “underneath” it, fear shows you what you value-what is important to you. The trust issues listed above indicate that you value honesty, loyalty, lasting relationships and that you value your own strength and well-being. Your fear also shows you what you want to protect. This realization can help you find ways to strategize to honor and protect what is important to you instead of just honoring your fear.

A big mistake we often make is that of thinking that our trust issues are about trusting other people when, in actuality, if we trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life hands us and trust in God, (a Higher Power, Universal Wisdom, Holy Spirit…whatever you want to call It) to provide the perfect opportunities for the exact life lessons we most need to learn, then trusting other people is no longer the issue. Of course, it is important to aim to be involved with people who are honest and trustworthy. However, it is virtually impossible to control other people's choices and all of life's circumstances so if we rely on their trustworthiness for our well-being, we end up victims of other people's choices. In addition, a whole host of things can happen to cause pain in a relationship like illness and death that the other person has no real control over.

Moral of the story? Strengthen yourself, your self-esteem, and set your Divine Anchor so that you know that no matter what anyone else says or does, you will be okay. Yes, you may experience hurt and pain, but when you deeply have a sense of your inner strength, you know you will heal, persevere and even thrive-and love-again.

How do you strengthen your self-esteem? Begin by looking at what you have already survived. Make a list of all the things that you have already had to endure and acknowledge yourself for the fortitude and strength required to handle the circumstances. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Take the risks to do the things that you are scared to do. Start with baby steps. Every time you survive and or succeed at something that is a stretch for you, you strengthen yourself.
Figure out what strengthens your spirit and do it regularly. Whether it is meditating, walking along the beach, walking a labyrinth, exercising, yoga, journaling, praying-whatever it is for you-do it often. Learn to recognize the voice of wisdom and strength (of God) within you and you will be able to handle anything. Trust will no longer be your issue.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you value that is hiding under your fear?

Love Tip: When a miner goes into a gold mine he must remove tons of dirt and rock to find even a single nugget of gold, yet he never, ever goes into the mine looking for the dirt. Treat yourself (and your friends/lovers) like a gold mine. Go in looking for the gold-the God-and that is what you will find.

Competing with the Not So "Ex"...

2007-09-13T16:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
About seven months ago I became involved with a woman. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. The first time he left she begged him to return and he eventually did, promising he'd be the perfect husband. Within a few months, he left a post-it note in the kitchen saying he was leaving again and took all his stuff. He ignored her calls and abandoned her completely.

I had met her about four months after he left. We dated until one day she told me she was in love with me. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. Since then, we have gotten engaged.

When her ex found out about me, he started calling obsessively and begging her to come back. He admitted to all of his infidelities and that he had been a horrible husband and swore that he had changed. She told me she felt guilty about not giving him another chance, and eventually, I got the email saying that she was going to give it another try with him. I am devastated and now she won't answer my calls or emails. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together. Now I don't know what to think or what to do. I'd appreciate your advice.

Aloha,
You must be heartbroken. I'm really sorry.
It sounds like she has a SEVERE need for approval which means that, until she clears this need, she will continuously recreate herself to be a victim of his (or someone else's) need for control. Until then, she is extremely likely to continue allowing other people to tell her what to do and how to do it.

The big things you are fighting are her history with him (even though it sounds awful) and time (seven months just isn't a very long time vs. a marriage), but the BIGGEST thing you (and she) are fighting is her fantasy dream of what she hoped her marriage would be. Even though the reality didn't match that at all, if she gives up now, she has to let go of her dream (of happily ever after, of not being divorced, of being loved and cherished until death do they part). Of course, rationally, it doesn't look like that dream stands a chance, but clearly this isn't rational. For her to wake up, she needs to realize that the dream of what she wanted the marriage to be is not the same thing as the actual marriage.

The big word of caution for you is that you came at the perfect time to help her through this difficult time in her marriage/divorce, but not at the perfect time to be in a relationship with her. She wasn't over him, she wasn't really ready to let go and move on, and she was still married to him. Most relationships-especially marriages-suffer a relapse like this filled with "what ifs" and "if onlys."

Divorces and separations often happen because there is a severe lack of skill on one or the other side, or both. When someone immediately moves into a new relationship, they haven't taken time to discover themselves again nor to learn new skills. Thus, they fall right back into the same pattern with someone new-or they go back to the old pattern with the old person. In order for something different to happen, they need to do something different or learn something different-just switching to a different person is not sufficient.

If/when she decides she has made a HUGE mistake and wants you back, I recommend that you insist that something DIFFERENT happens first-counseling, coaching or some sort of personal growth training-for both of you. Or, kindly, just say no.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you done to gain new skills in between relationships?

Love Tip of the Week: God sends us relationships for many more reasons than “happily ever after”. Sometimes they just serve as a great opportunity for personal growth. Investigate what your part in your life experience is, what you have learned, and how you are better from the experience.

Get a Life

2007-09-13T16:33:00.004-07:00

Dear Eve,

I have a self-esteem issue, but don't know what to do about it. I am a Junior in college and seem to be really depressed, but I just don't know how to lift myself up. My boyfriend of two years goes to another school about three hours from my school and we go a few months without seeing each other, which is hard for me. He goes out with his friends and has a great time; I have friends here but none that you would call true friends. They don't call me or come over when they say they will. I feel left out, lonely and like I'm losing him or that he is changing. I know that if we aren't meant to be together then we won't but I just don't know what to do about him or me. So if you think that you could help me I would really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
A girl that needs help

Aloha,
You bring up several issues in this brief letter: self-esteem, depression, a lack of close friendships, a sense of being left out and lonely, and managing a long distance relationship.
Ultimately, if you resolve your self-esteem issue, several of the other issues will get easier to manage as well or will disappear entirely. Self-esteem is much more than “just liking yourself.” Self-esteem is not ego-based, it is spirit based. By that I mean, when you peel away your ego, or your “small” personality, you'll meet your spirit. Your spirit, which you've often heard referred to as “who you really are,” knows the world as abundant, love as never ending and unlimited and you as a capable, strong, powerful, creative being rather than a scared, lonely, depressed one. As you work to discover this aspect of yourself, you will no longer need to fear if your boyfriend leaves you as you will have a deeper, stronger, greater trust in your spiritual life and know that you can handle whatever life delivers to you. You will come to deeply know that every “lesson” is designed specifically to help you peel away your ego so that you can reveal and revel in “who you really are.” Telling you how to do this here, is difficult due to the limits of time and space, but resources for self-discovery are in every bookstore and all over the Internet-including in my books and on my web site. Make this your most important assignment while you are going to school and the entire rest of your life will be better for it.
Now, let's look at your relationship. The fastest way to push this guy away is to give him a hard time for doing what you wish you were doing-enjoying life and having friends. If you want this relationship to stand a chance, you need to get friends, get involved and share your enthusiasm for your life with your boyfriend via the phone, email, letters and in your face-to-face visits. You are currently expecting your boyfriend to be your whole life and your only friend, which is too much to ask. If you want true friends, you need to be a true friend. Take responsibility for making your making your friendships stronger. Don't wait for them to show up for you; start by showing up for them. If all you are doing is sitting home alone waiting for an opportunity to see or talk to your boyfriend, you're going to become as uninteresting as you are bored-which isn't a great attractive quality, as you can imagine. Start a relationship with yourself, find out what lights you up and what makes you stronger, happier and more passionate-aside from other people. It will serve all of your relationships and your friendships to get engaged with life. Get involved. Be of service. This will also combat your sense of loneliness and depression, as well. I wish you the best.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Under your ego, who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When seeking that which makes you happy, turn your attention to what is permanent. Test it: Is this true? Is this real? Is this lasting? You will discover the only thing that falls in that category is your spiritual life-not things, people or money.

The Power of Self-Talk

2007-09-13T16:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
What advice would you give if a young man sees an attractive woman and would like to get to know her better but believes the woman would not be interested in him or would not put much merit into his invitation?

Hi,
My advice is that you, respectfully, ask the woman out and see what the truth is, rather than what your imagination tells you. I say this because I have had men tell me (years later) that they liked me, but had been scared to say something to me, thinking I wouldn't like them. (While I sat around wondering why no one was asking me out, and why men didn't approach me at dances/clubs, etc.) It isn't fair to you, or the woman, to make a negative assumption about how she will respond.
Unless she has already made it VERY clear to you that she is not interested, let her know politely and respectfully that you are interested. You could simply say, "You seem like a really great person and I'd like to get to know you better..." and see what she says and does.
In reality, the worst case scenario is that she'll say no-and you are left without her in your personal life. However, you don't have her in your personal life now so, your situation would be no worse than before you asked!
Before you do though, you may want to do a few self-esteem enhancing exercises so that YOU know WHY she should want to go out with you. These exercises are not meant to develop your ego, but rather to assist you in recognizing your own good nature, your own good qualities-your true self.
1) Make a list of what you like, love admire and appreciate about yourself!
These never need to be said to anyone else, necessarily, but you will approach her more confidently if you have a strong sense of your good qualities in advance.
2) Look into a mirror, deeply into your own eyes and hold the look while you say to yourself the things from your list in exercise number 1. It is not possible for us to believe other people's compliments of us, if we have not first thought them-and said them to ourselves.
3) Become self-observant of your "self-talk." Self-talk is the babble you say to yourself inside your head. Self-talk can be positive, encouraging, supportive and constructive, or it can be negative, discouraging, and destructive-weakening us and stopping us from taking risks and showing the world our best self. As you pay attention to what you are telling yourself, begin replacing the automatic negative commentary and put downs with words that are more in alignment with your goals.
If you were going to a job interview it would be quite common for them to ask you questions about your strengths and skills and why you should be hired. If you don't know your own good qualities, you won't get the job. The same holds true in romance...if you want to get the girl, you have to "hire yourself" first!
Best of luck to you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: If you said to your friends the things that you say to yourself, would you still have friends?

Love Tip: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart." Words have an amazing ability to hurt or heal and the effects can last a lifetime. Be careful not to inflict wounds of the heart on others-or yourself.

How Can I Ensure My Daughter Has Healthy Self-Esteem?

2007-09-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I had really low self-esteem as a teenager, and still have a lot of self-doubt. As an adult, I now have a young daughter (2 years old) and I really don't want her to suffer the same thing. What can I do to ensure that she has a healthy self-image growing up?
Concerned

Aloha,
I admire that you recognize that this concern needs to be addressed now, while your daughter is still young. It can, of course, be addressed anytime, but creating healthy self-esteem is easier as prevention than cure. The older a person gets, the more they become responsible for changing their own self-esteem and the less you can "do it for them."
Young children (before they've been "contaminated" by negativity) have a natural state of self-esteem. They are enthusiastic, energetic, playful, creative, honest, imaginative and are natural curious learners. Our job as parents (and teachers, friends, family and community) is to maintain this esteemed state. Our job as individuals is to regain access to it in ourselves, as it never really goes away, it just gets covered up.
The challenge is that when our own self-esteem is low, it is difficult to enhance in others because children learn from what you do-your example. The best possible thing you can do for your daughter is to actively work on raising your own self-esteem and treat yourself with respect. The other thing you can do is to become very aware of the words that you use and the messages you give your daughter throughout the day, making sure you use language and the power of your words in a healthy, esteeming way.
There was a study done many years ago in Iowa in which two-year-olds were followed around for a day and the researchers counted the number of positive comments to negative. The results revealed that the average two-year-old receives 432 negative or controlling statements a day and only 32 positives. That is a ratio of 13 to 1. While everyone knows two-year-olds need constant monitoring, the ratio of positive comments should be two times that of the negative and controlling statements for creating a child with a positive self-image. This is known as the "sandwich theory" -sandwich your corrective words with encouraging comments.
Raising your own self-esteem begins in exactly the same way, becoming acutely aware of your "self-talk" and replacing or balancing the negative and critical comments you give yourself, with positive, encouraging statements.
Consider this, if you said to your friends the things you say to yourself, would you still have any friends?
We tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves, emotionally "beat ourselves up" with constant negative self-talk that results in low self-esteem, fear, unhealthy relationships, self-sabotage and depression. We have to take responsibility for turning that process around.
The first step is to "self-observe" so you become aware of what you are doing, saying and thinking. The second step is to make new choices about what you say, do and think so that your words, thoughts and actions are in alignment with your goal of creating healthy self-esteem. While there are many ways to raise self-esteem, these two simple steps are a huge step in the right direction.
Remember, self-esteem (or any personal growth) isn't achieved instantaneously and all at once. To even attempt that is overwhelming. All change takes place one moment at a time. Every moment is an opportunity to start fresh!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you love, like, admire and appreciate about yourself?

Love Tip: To raise self-esteem, treat the other person (or yourself) like a gold mine. In order to find a single nugget of gold, a miner must remove tons and tons of dirt and rock, but a miner never goes into the mine looking for the dirt! Look for the gold, look for the good, look for the God in others, and surely you will find it!

I Keep Choosing the Wrong Men

2007-09-13T16:31:00.002-07:00

Dear Eve,
The only type of man I can attract are those that are a lot older than me. They treat me great until they get what they want. After that, they are rude, sarcastic, and put me down in public. The guy I have been dating recently has no ambition, no social life, no interests and no respect for my feelings. Why can't I meet a nice guy my age, who enjoys life and likes me for who I am? Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm working on losing it. I always look for what's inside a person not just looks. My self-esteem is way low. What can I do? You're advice would really help. Thanks,
At the End of My Rope

Aloha,
It sounds like you are, understandably, frustrated. The men you have been choosing are obviously not the right one's for you, but that isn't the real problem. The key to everything that you said is, "My self-esteem is way low." This is the first place you MUST start in turning your situation around. As long as your self-esteem is low you will find men who match your low self-image and what you think you deserve. Low self-esteem attracts low self-esteem. Remember, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. As long as your self-esteem is low, you will continue to respond to people and situations in a way that makes you lose your self-respect.
So, what to do about it?
The first step to raising your self-esteem is to set your intention (your goal) to raise your self-esteem and then become self-observant. Pay attention not to what other people say to you, but what you say to yourself when they stop talking. What does your self-talk say? Do you constantly put yourself down? Simply become aware. Is what you are saying to yourself in alignment with your goal of enhanced self-esteem?
Secondly, when you catch yourself having self-defeating thoughts, turn those negative statements around. You choose your thoughts, so be sure to choose thoughts that are in alignment with your goal.
Be sure to also catch yourself when you do something right and give yourself credit when due. So often we beat ourselves up mentally at the end of the day for all the things we didn't get done or for that half piece of cake we ate while dieting, instead of acknowledging all the things we did get accomplished and the other half piece of cake we didn't eat! Consequently, we reinforce the "I can't do it, I'm no good" belief system, which leaves us weaker and less able to do what we set out to do.
Self-observation will allow you to catch this negative downward spiral and turn the process around by replacing or balancing your negative self-talk with positive. Often, just the simple act of becoming aware triggers a new set of behaviors.
As you identify your good qualities, you values, your strengths and talents, you will be more inclined to make choices that are healthier. Make your self-esteem a priority and your choice in men will change, as well.
Raising your self-esteem will also require that you take action-stretch your personality, take some appropriate risks, do things that are good for you and move you in the direction of your goals, even if they are scary to do. One thing is for sure, if you keep doing the exact same things, you will keep getting the exact same results. Life is too precious to waste. Actively pursue the goal of raising your self-esteem and you will definitely benefit from the results.
I wish you the best!
Much aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: How has your self-esteem influenced your choices?

Love Tip:
You are 100% responsible for the quality of your life-and your relationships. Take steps to align yourself with your Self-your true nature-your strong, capable, powerful self and you will create a strong, healthy and powerful life.

My Girlfriend Cheated On Me

2007-09-13T16:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
My girlfriend and I were happily dating for two years. I didn't tell her that I loved her, but I showed her constantly. Then she lost her job, moved in with me for a few months to save money and then went to live with her sister in Florida, which I helped her do. We have since been having a long distance relationship. We talk on the phone once a week and I intended to marry her when my finances are stronger. Now she tells me she had an intimate encounter with someone else and I'm devastated. She says she loves me, she'll never do it again, and she wants to be my wife, but I keep thinking “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I can't understand why she did this, I have been so good to her. Help me, please.

Aloha,
Please know that what I am about to say is going to make it sound like you are the one who has to make all the changes. I am a firm believer that we are only able to control ourselves, not other people. If I told you that your girlfriend had to change something, you would be rendered powerless, because her behavior is out of your control. When you take responsibility for your situation, you will be empowered to make changes.

The first thing that struck me was that your girlfriend was undoubtedly starving to hear how you felt about her. Even though you showed her, you wouldn't tell her. Some people have to hear it to believe it.

The other consideration is that you let her go-you even helped her pack, when what she wanted was “for better for worse,” “for richer for poorer.” Even if it was more logical for her to be at her sister's, letting her go without any attempt to keep her with you undoubtedly caused her to question how serious you were about the relationship. She probably wanted to hear that you couldn't stand the thought of her moving so far away-especially since she was living with you.
Then, my friend, you only called once a week. When in long distance relationships, in order to help the other person feel connected (and loyal) across the miles-you need to increase your verbal contact, not decrease it. With phone cards available at three cents a minute, you could talk to her for ten minutes a day and still keep your long distance phone bill under $10 a month. She needed to know that you were really in love with her and even though you felt like you were showing her, the message wasn't getting through. You, my friend, need to start communicating in the language your girlfriend understands- audio.

Now, as far as her having an affair-yes, this is a bummer. Yes, she shouldn't have done it and I am not trying to excuse that. However, she came clean, told you the truth and has vowed not to have it happen again. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliché is just your ego's way of justifying it's stance. There is no reason to think that she will do this again. She told you because she wants honesty, trust-and change-between you.

The only thing that has been hurt here is your ego. (And yes, that is painful!) But, you didn't lose your girl. You didn't lose your love for each other. You didn't lose anything. Other than scaring your ego, nothing else happened to you.

With that knowledge, you have a choice-to honor fear and pride, or honor love and trust. If you choose to honor fear and ego, you are also choosing to honor being alone because, even if you stay together, this choice will lead you to continuously question her, throw this mistake in her face, make her feel unloved and unlovable. Unless she is a glutton for punishment, this choice will cause you to lose your lady. Your girlfriend flagged a huge problem in your relationship- stagnancy. Now, you have a second chance to make it better, to let her know that she is loved-and let her show you how much she loves you too.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Which do you choose to honor in your life-love and trust, or fear, hurt and drama?

Love Tip: Whenever you feel pain over a partner's actions, take a deep breath and move from ego to soul. Your soul is not concerned about ego issues and can offer you great strength when letting go, problem solving and moving on.

My Girlfriend Won't Have Sex With Me Anymore

2007-09-13T16:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
How much money and effort should I put into dating? I live with a woman and we've been compatible for many years-the only problem is that this woman has cut me off from sex, but I manage to take care of myself. So how hard should I try to extricate myself?

Aloha,
You raise two questions, which are directly related; how you handle one dictates how you should handle the other. However, there are some other questions that you need to answer first. 1) Are you willing to continue living in a “compatible” situation with no sexual involvement? 2) What is the verbal agreement between you and this woman regarding your sex lives, monogamy and your relationship? How does she feel about you dating other women? 3) Do you know why she has cut you off from sex and is there anything that you can do to resolve it? 4) Do you want to end the relationship with the woman you are living with? You should also take into consideration how old you are and assess how easily you feel you will be able to meet someone with whom you get a long better.
If you are not willing to continue living as is, you have two choices: either rekindling the relationship you are in or getting out. Unless the two of you have explicitly agreed that it is acceptable to date other people, you should put no time and money into dating other women until you have finalized the relationship you have with the woman you live with. If you think getting out of the relationship is too complicated now, just wait until you bring a third party into it!
Since you are implying that you do, indeed, want out of the relationship, you should not have to “try hard” to extricate yourself; as Nike would say, “Just Do It!” Breaking up with someone isn't something that you attempt and may not actually succeed at doing. It is something you either do or don't do. Granted, it may be both emotionally and financially challenging, but it is still possible.
If you have reservations about breaking up, then I suggest you try to make the relationship work as your hesitation may mean that you have not done all you need to do to make the relationship vital. If you want to save your relationship, I suggest you pretend (just for the sake of the exercise) that all the problems in your relationship are your doing. Then take 100% responsibility for transforming the situation. This doesn't mean trying to get her to have sex with you again, this means amending whatever it is that made her stop wanting to have sex with you. When you change how you are showing up In the relationship, she will change the way she responds to you.
Keep in mind that if the reasons she cut you off from sex did have something to do with you-the quality of your sexual interaction, your attention to foreplay, your ability to make her feel cared for outside of the bedroom, your hygiene, your willingness to communicate and resolve issues totally unrelated to sex, but from which the emotions flow into the bedroom-you will bring these same issues into the next relationship.
My feeling is if you are in a compatible long-term relationship with someone, “try hard” and invest your “time and money” into healing that relationship and restoring its health before you try hard to get out and spend your time and money on dating.
I with you the best.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What have you done for your love life lately?

Love Tip: Did you ever put a house up for sale, clean it all up, put on new paint and do the yard work only to find yourself thinking, “Why didn't I do this while I lived here?” The same holds true in relationships-spend the money, time and effort you would put into finding and courting someone new into the love you already have and you will be amazed at how good it can look.

Dreading Sex?

2007-09-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

Aloha Eve,
I've been married for several years - my husband and I have an excellent relationship - we love each other dearly and we both find each other very physically attractive. We are best friends and spend as much time together as we can. When we first met, we had fantastic sex. We then went through a rough period for about 9 months where our relationship was rocky. During this time, he was verbally abusive to me, I started dreading sex because I was hurt, felt unloved and disrespected and he'd pressure me into it even though I didn't want to. We eventually worked out the verbal abuse thing and for the last 2 years, he has been a wonderful loving husband, yet I still dread sex, which he wants all the time. I've been trying really hard to give it to him every other day, although I'm not an enthusiastic participant.
My husband and I are so very much in love, and yet I know this sex issue is going to build up and damage us very soon. He wants me to want it and be into it. I want to want that too, but something about the way he approaches me just turns me off. Sometimes I think it might be a control/power issue. Can you please help me?
Thanks!

Aloha!
We humans are a bit complex. In addition to our rational adult self, we also have a whole host of other sub-personalities-like our inner child, inner teenager, inner critic, …and we have sexual sub-personalities, as well. Imagine for a moment we are like a school bus and our rational self is the driver and our sub personalities are in the seats behind us giving us their two-cents on which way our lives should turn. When we are mentally healthy, we can listen to the input of our sub-personalities, but still remain in the driver's seat as we make decisions. When we are mentally unstable (which can be in any given moment due to sleep, food, etc), we let the sub-personalities drive the bus.
While your rational self has made peace with your husband, there is likely a sub-personality that was deeply hurt (or re-injured, triggering old pain from something else). In my experience, ongoing resentment and hurt has to do with unexpressed or unheard feelings. Since you and your husband have made peace, my sense is that this isn't so much stuff you need to express to your husband as stuff your rational self needs to listen to from your injured sub-personality, and heal. There may be things left unsaid between you and your husband, but the issue sounds to be more internal than external. When your sub-personalities don't feel heard, they self-sabotage. Then you find that “you cut off your nose to spite your face.”
I recommend that you do some journaling with yourself and dialog between your rational self and your sub-personalities and find out what is going on. Lucia Capacchione has a great book called “The Power of Your Other Hand” that explains how you can dialog between your rational self (with a pen in your dominant hand) and your sub-personality (with a pen in your non-dominant hand). It may be that a sub-personality is mad at you (rather than at your husband) for choices you have made and thus doesn't feel safe. Allow your sub-personality to express to you what it is angry about, how it is hurt, what it is afraid of, what part it plays in your situation, what it wants and what it appreciates about you, your marriage, husband and sex. Then, just like you would with an external person, go about problem solving and coming to agreement so that you are on the same team with creating a dynamic and healthy sexual relationship with your husband.
Here is the good news, in addition to your injured sub-personality, you also have a sexual self that still finds your husband attractive and who enjoys sharing intimate time with him. Your sexual self didn't go away, she just got sent to the very back seat of the bus. Your job is to invite her into the driver's seat when opportunities for intimacy arrive. If you don't like the way your husband approaches you, try approaching him and thus beating him to the punch.
I am quite certain that you can restore the sexual health in your relationship as you learn to manage your internal power struggle between different aspects of yourself.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Who is in your “driver's seat”?

Love Tip: Power and Control issues are not usually between us and another person, they are between one aspect of ourselves and another-between our head and our heart, our ego and our spirit. As we learn to heal our internal relationships, our external ones heal, as well.

When Is It Right to Start a Sexual Relationship?

2007-09-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Eve,
Can you tell me when is the right time to start a sexual relationship with a man?
I'm not a teen, but never felt comfortable with this.
Thanks.

Aloha,
This is a difficult question to answer because there isn't a set recipe of “right or wrong” timing. This decision depends entirely on each individual's own values, interests, attractions, etc. It is actually easier to tell you when starting a sexual relationship is likely to lead you to difficult consequences, rather than when it is okay to go forward.
It is unwise to start a sexual relationship when:

• It goes against your spiritual or moral convictions.
• You are too young (or too vulnerable) to handle the potential consequences.
• He (or she) is married or otherwise involved-or you are.
•You haven't spent enough time together to know whether there is any attraction beyond the physical.
• When substances are influencing your decision.
• You don't know what having sex with him means…does it mean you are exclusive and monogamous, having an affair, having a one-night stand? It is important to know so that you can determine whether that is all right with you.
• You aren't really interested in him, but giving in is easier than turning him down or loneliness is influencing your decision or you are saying yes in order to keep him in your life.
• You don't have protection from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
• You would be embarrassed to tell your best friend.
• You will feel bad about it in the morning and have less self-respect than you would if you didn't have a sexual relationship with him.
Know that every decision has a potential set of consequences and you need to be sure that you can accept and take responsibility for the consequences-physical and emotional-that may come about. Ask yourself the “what if” questions-what if you have sex and then you don't hear from him again? What if you were to get pregnant? What if you then found out he was dating other people? Ask yourself how you would feel under these circumstances and then see if you know yourself and him enough to begin a sexual relationship.
I know I am making all this sound very logical and sexual involvement with someone seldom has much logic to it. So ultimately, the best way to know is to trust your gut instincts and do what feels right and what you know you will be able to love yourself for the next day.
So, what did I just say? For some people it may work to be sexually involved right away (however, seldom is that a wise decision.) For others it is the right time after spending a month or two dating. For others it isn't right until there is an exclusivity agreement. For others it isn't right until they are married. The ultimate question is, when is it right for you?
With much aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What do you need to know, or feel, before it is right for you to begin a sexual relationship?

Love Tip: Typically we pick our partners by “looks good” or “feels good” only to get involved too quickly, discovering that the relationship really isn't “good.” Rather than letting your body decide, use your head, along with your heart to make decisions that are in alignment with your goals and values.

How—and WHO— do I trust online?

2007-09-13T16:26:00.002-07:00

Dear Eve,

I feel like I'm putting myself out on a limb with online dating. I tend to believe whatever people tell me, whether I know them or not, I was raised that way. I'm not insecure or paranoid or delusional, but, I don't know if I should put my faith in someone I don't know at all, that I have met online. Please give me a little insight into this online dating and relationships. I'm very new to this. All I want is to meet a good lady that I can be happy with. I'd really appreciate your advice. Thank you!

Aloha,
The Internet is definitely a difficult arena to fully trust, and yet, if you don't trust you can seriously sabotage a great relationship. I think the key is "cautious optimism." What I mean by that is that you should hope and assume they are telling the truth, but cautiously watch for signs that they may not be. While the following tips apply specifically to online dating, you will find they apply equally well to people you meet face-to-face. The Internet is certainly not the only arena where dishonesty takes place. It is just one of the easier arenas.

1. Watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what the person says in from email to email, (or on phone call or in person). Also, watch for consistencies and inconsistencies between what he or she says and what he or she does.

2. Ask a similar question more than once, altering it only slightly so it doesn't feel repetitive. You will find when someone is being deceptive, unless they are professionals, they forget what they have already told you. Pay attention to the answers.

3. DON'T SEND MONEY. There are whole operations of “women” particularly from Nigeria, who ask for money for ill family members, or plane tickets, only to prey on kindhearted (and desperate) men. Don't be fooled. Yes, some real women may not receive your help, but some real bad guys won't either.

4. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position by revealing too much or offering too much.

5. Don't assume that you are feeling love for a PERSON, (that you haven't met) when you are likely only feeling love for who you are HOPING that person is....

6. Aim to meet face-to-face as soon as possible when you feel you have been introduced to someone you may have an interest in. Meeting early will keep some of the fantasy and illusion to a minimum and it will save you a lot of time if the other person is not on the up and up or if there really isn't a physical attraction to each other.

7. Notice how you feel in your body as you read someone's email or talk with them. If in your gut you feel uneasy, or pushed away, TRUST YOUR INTUITION.

8. Use your head. If it sounds like it could be a problem, either don't do it or strategize to make it safer and smarter.

I have found that people on the Internet are either way more honest, revealing to perfect strangers things they would be hesitant to reveal face-to-face, or they use the opportunity to tell lies, or half-truths. Your task is to try to tell the difference.

Remember, being trusting is an honorable trait. Being untrustworthy is the dishonorable trait. Be careful that you don't get confused and decide that you no one out there is trustworthy. It is never the “love lesson” that you should stop trusting, but it may well be discriminating about who and what you trust. Most importantly, begin with trusting your own inner voice that warns you of impending danger.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does your intuition tell you?

Love Tip of the Week: We often tend to try to make a relationship work because we want A relationship, not because THAT specific relationship is necessarily right for us. Really pay attention to whether you really enjoy the particular person you are interacting with...or if you just enjoy interaction, period.

In Love With an Illusion

2007-09-13T16:26:00.001-07:00

Dear Eve,
I have been in love with a guy for over three years now, but we have never met in person. Every time we get a chance to meet, something comes up so we can't. I don't know whether I should give up on him and move on or keep trying. He is the only man who accepts the fact that I am a single mother of two kids and I don't know what I should do. Please help me.

Hi,
It is important to understand that the love you feel is for who you HOPE this man is, not for the man himself. You are in love with the things you TALK about doing together, but you are not doing them. You are in love with the VALUES that you talk about; you are in love with the IDEA of being in love; you are in love with the DREAM that you are in a relationship with a man who accepts you as you are. However, you don't actually KNOW this man, or whether he is married, or if he has misrepresented himself. And, what exactly is your evidence that he is “accepting” you as a mother? He hasn't had to even meet your children, much less help you with them, comfort them when they're sick, teach them when they make mistakes…. You, my dear, are living in the ILLUSION of a relationship.

I'm guessing that right about now you are thinking I am wrong, that you have spent, literally years talking with him and that your love is real. I hope you are right, however, time and time again I have seen people proclaim their undying love for someone they have never met only to find upon meeting them that they don't feel the “spark,” or worse yet, that they actually feel repulsed in person. Until you meet him face-to-face and spend some time with him, you won't know. At that time, it is very possible that the foundation you have built over years of talking to each other will immediately translate into love; it is also possible that you will immediately never want to communicate with him again.

You don't say how far apart you live, but to never make meeting a high enough priority is a definite “red flag.” There are three concerning issues here. One is the potential that you aren't meeting in person because one (or both) of you knows that once you do, the “relationship” is over-the illusion will end. Another concern is that the longer you go without meeting the larger your fantasies of the each other will become, making it nearly impossible for reality to match your preconceived notions. The third concern is the opportunity cost of being in an illusive relationship.

A man wrote to me once about a married woman he was in love with who lived in another country, and thus he knew he would never meet her. However, he felt like he was cheating if he went out with anyone else so he was remaining faithful to a relationship he wasn't really in. I'm afraid that you may be doing the same thing. Rather than dating and meeting someone in person who may actually be able to be a true companion, and who may actually provide a good role model for your children, you are sitting on your computer, taken.

I invite you to take a look at how your own thinking is sabotaging your love life. For instance, “He is the ONLY man who accepts that I am a single mother.” The only one? Your belief that no other man on the planet will accept that you are a mom, is keeping you in the illusion of a relationship, rather than sharing true companionship for both you and your children.
What to do? Either meet him and find out for sure, or start meeting people in person and taking the steps to create a real relationship.
I wish you the best.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Is your thinking serving you and your love life or sabotaging it?

Love Tip of the Week: Question the truth of your beliefs. Taking the time to separate your

Am I Too Picky?

2007-09-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I'm a thirty-five year old woman who has been dating online. Society has taught me that I can have anything I want and do anything I want and now I am wondering if that philosophy is making me to picky. I have found on the Internet that there are so many choices that I don't know what to do. There are so many variables, it is hard to know what is important. It is really easy to dismiss someone and say, “Next.” When problems happen or quirks in their personality arise, it is easy to just move on to someone else, but I can see how easily this could become a pattern or a cop out of not wanting to deal with any issues. I'm wondering if you can help me figure out when to stay and when to run.

Aloha,
You've raised a really interesting point, in that we have access-literally at our fingertips-to people of all kinds, from all over the world. This definitely opens our eyes to all the options, but if we don't take the time to do some values clarification so that we know what is really important to us, we could easily get snared in the trap of making choices on superficial characteristics, rather than those of true substance. The reality is that everyone has quirks and traits and issues or moments that are challenging to a mate. Everyone. So, you are right, if you train yourself to run every time an issue arises, you will definitely set a pattern. On the other hand, we as a society also have the equally challenging pattern of staying in relationships way too long that are seriously unhealthy-without doing anything to improve them.

I highly recommend that you take some time to examine your values and know what it is that you want, what is important to you and what you have to offer. This extends to what kind of life you want to live-do you want to be a workaholic, to you want to have a spiritual life, do you want to travel, what do you value most? Imagine lying on your death bed looking back over your life, What kind of life would you want to review? Somehow the viewpoint from that end of life seems to offer a bit more clarity than the viewpoint from the earlier vantage point.
Then, brainstorm your list of personal values and identify the ten most important. These are your core values, and they will guide you when making decisions. Keep in mind that it is not necessarily important that you and your partner have the same values, but it is important that you have complementary values.

I often hear people say, “relationships are a lot of work,” which is true, but what they don't understand is that the work is not on the other person; it is on yourself. My “rule of thumb” when encountering things I don't like in someone else is to always start with me-is there anything I can do differently WITHIN MY VALUES SYSTEM to evoke a different experience with this person? When you truly know your values, it is much easier to do this without compromising your sense of self, or your self-respect.

Also, be aware of whether the behavior you are encountering actually affects you or interferes with your value system or lifestyle, or whether it is just your judgment that is bothering you. For instance, if you really like the guy, but don't like the way he eats or the way he flosses his teeth, notice that neither of those things actually really affect you. What is really affecting you is only your belief that he should do it a different way. On the other hand, if he is unkind, verbally or physically abusive, or drinks or gambles heavily, these behaviors have the absolute potential to affect you and violate your values. Knowing the difference is really important in deciding what to do about it-staying or running.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What really matters to you?

Love tip of the Week: Remember that while “staying” and “running” are both options, so is “doing something different.” Always start with evaluating your own words, thoughts and actions.

Relationship Limiting Comments

2007-09-13T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I've recently started dating a guy who I really like. The problem is that he has mentioned more than once that he isn't a "good boyfriend type," and he says things like I'm too good for him. When I'm with him, he is very nice to me, but he doesn't show much interest beyond our weekend dates. I want more than he seems to be offering. What is your take on the situation?
Wondering...

Aloha,
In my experience, odd as it sounds, people tend to tell us right in the beginning what the problem is going to be. They say things like, "I'm not a good boyfriend type" or "My religion and yours are not compatible" or "I'm not worthy of someone like you. I'm not good enough." Sometimes they even say things like, "I'm not good at being monogamous," or "I'll never love again," or "I don't ever want to have children." And we, typically wanting to create the relationship anyway, tend to think "It will be different this time...he'll be good to me," or "She'll change her ways for me...." Off we go into the relationship, only to find that he or she was, indeed, telling us the truth-the painful truth, but the truth none-the-less.

The key here is to really pay attention to what people tell us in the dating process (and to pay attention to what we are telling them too!). If you proceed into the relationship knowing that he isn't a "good boyfriend type," you shouldn't be too surprised when that is how he shows up.
When he tells you that you are "too good for him, that he doesn't deserve you" this is often an indicator of low self-esteem. If that is his belief about himself, you can almost be guaranteed that at some point he will sabotage the relationship in order to prove himself right. He'll do something that hurts you and then say, "I knew it...I'm no good. You deserve someone better," as if that is an excuse. He'll then use the behavior to justify his comments. This is how patterns emerge.

So the moral of the story? When you hear relationship limiting statements like that, ask for clarification and have a heart to heart discussion about what he means, what he wants, what you want and whether there is any point in continuing to date. For instance, when he says he isn't a "good boyfriend type," you might want to ask him what that means to him, how he does define himself and what you can, realistically expect along the way. You might even ask him what a "good boyfriend type is" which will certainly let you know what you cannot expect!
Then, use your head in the domain of the heart. If you decide to proceed, know that you are not a victim, it was a choice based on the current "facts."

Also, it is very helpful to have a clear picture of your "non-negotiable" issues when you are dating. Non-negotiable issues are the really important things, not superficial things like how tall he is, or his hair color, but things like whether your spiritual beliefs can coexist, or whether you both want kids or not, or a positive attitude and approach to life. A non-negotiable may simply be that you want someone who is emotionally available, who isn't afraid to love. If the non-negotiable issues aren't a match, or at least complimentary, reconsider the wisdom of dating him or her. I know this sounds a bit cut and dry in the realm of love, but so often a heart to heart discussion right up front can create clarity for both people.
I wish you the best.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: Do you think in terms of "we" or "I"?

Love Tip: Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Pay attention also to what you say and do in regards to your partner. Not only is it important to make the right choices IN a partner, but to be the right choice AS a partner.

She Ruined My Finances

2007-09-13T16:23:00.002-07:00

Dear Eve,
I'm a man whose finances were ruined by an overspending partner, whom I am now divorcing. Unfortunately this makes it impossible for me to be self-sufficient in my retirement years once they come. How do I best approach this issue with women in person and online? I seem to get a lot of rejections once my financial situation is understood.

Aloha,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. While I empathize with your total frustration over what has happened, I'm a great advocate of taking responsibility rather than assigning blame. The benefit is that by taking responsibility, you will be honoring your personal power, rather than honoring a sense of being a victim. I encourage you to consider that your finances are not ruined due to an overspending partner, but rather from your lack of attention to what was happening in your hearth and home. The pay off of accepting your responsibility for your situation will be that you will see your power for avoiding having something similar happen again. You will not need to go forth into a new relationship with fear and trust issues, as you are not a victim; you are a responsible, powerful human being.

Indeed, most women (and men) would like to have a sense of financial security and self-sufficiency in their retirement years. At the same time, there are many single, divorced and widowed women out there who are self-sufficient and what they truly and deeply desire for their retired years is a man who cherishes them, loves them and makes them laugh. One who will care for them in other ways, beyond finances. Indeed, if you can offer true love, compassion, respect and kindness, you are a definite catch-money or not.

Take a sincere inventory of what you do have to offer instead of what you don't and make that clear in your online profile/communications. Even more importantly, live up to it in person! I encourage you to move forward from a place of forgiveness of your previous spouse and a place of responsibility for your circumstances. If you do not, you are likely going to come across as bitter, angry and distrusting rather than loving, compassionate and endearing.
A man, or woman, who knows what they have to offer and makes lemonade when life offers lemons, is an attractive catch indeed!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question: What are the most valuable lessons you've learned in life so far?

Love Tip: Catch yourself when you are assigning blame, and ask yourself, “How can I respond differently to this situation that will create a powerful result?”

Just Divorced—Ready to Date?

2007-09-13T16:23:00.001-07:00

Hi Eve,
I am 57, have been divorced for several years, and have dated extensively in several longer-term relationships that did not work out. I am definitely at a point where I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship.

I have recently met a man who seems like a really great guy. However, he only separated from his wife lasst year and just got divorced in January. When he first contacted me, he told me that at this point he is just looking for someone to do things with. He explained that while he is certain he doesn't want to get back with his ex-wife, he still is working through the pain of his divorce.

We have gone out three times and had a great time. We enjoy the same activities and he talks about doing these things together in the future. He does not seem to be looking for anyone else. On the first date there was no touching, the second time he made friendly touching gestures and the third time he gave me a heartfelt hug at the end. I feel like I am more than just an activity partner.

My question is whether this looks like a relationship that could possibly develop into something long term. At what point should I ask him whether he sees any potential for a long-term relationship? Right now things feel very natural and good, but with my last relationship, things didn't progress and I waited far too long before I asked about his feelings. This current man has read my profile online so he knows that my goal is a committed partnership on all levels. Thanks for your insight.

Aloha,
My experience is that we need to believe what someone tells us in the beginning of the relationship. In this case, he has clearly told you that he is not ready for a committed relationship, he is just looking for a friendly companion, his divorce is relatively recent and he is clear that he has not healed from that experience yet. For you to anticipate that he is going to become ready for a long term relationship soon is probably an unrealistic expectation.
My point here is that he has already told you where he is at emotionally. What I am not sure of is that you have clearly told him where you are. Yes, you said in your profile that you wanted a long-term relationship, but it is not reasonable to assume that he is acceptant of those terms. After all, he clearly told you he wasn't interested in long term and you still went out with him, so he may be thinking that you are accepting of his terms.

What needs to happen is a heart to heart conversation letting him know what you want and seeing what he says. Before you do this, I highly recommend that you get really clear on what you want to do if he reiterates that he is not ready for a committed relationship. Are you still interested in doing things with him? What if he lets you know he is dating other people, will you continue seeing him? Are you going to date other people? What if the next date includes a kiss and the expectation for more physical intimacy starts to be a part of the companionship? Are you interested in being intimate with someone who has clearly told you that this is about “happily-right-now,” not necessarily about “happily-ever-after”? If you are absolutely sure that you are not interested in dating someone who isn't absolutely sure that the intention is a long-term relationship, then you may as well let him know that you really like him and wish that the timing was different, but that since it is not the case, you are not able to continue on the current course. Clearly, if the sequence of events continuously develops, it won't be long before you are in love with this guy and completely baffled when he remains committed to not being committed.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you believe (i.e. respect) what other people tell you about themselves?

Love Tip of the Week: Respect your own boundaries.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2007-09-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I recently broke-up with my girlfriend of three years. The first two years I was the "other guy" until she got divorced. We never had a very open or public relationship due to work. I have had some jealousy issues in the past, but nothing like what has happened recently. About 3 months after my girlfriend's divorce she met a new male friend. She has spent at least a day a week with him for the past few months. She never wanted me to meet him or discussed what they did or talked about. They spent 8 - 10 hours a week alone together, but she claimed it was nothing more than friendship. I could not deal with this relationship. She thinks I was just jealous and I think she was not really committed or respectful of me. Was I wrong to call it off?

Hi,
I'm going to attempt to answer you, but please do keep in mind that I am only responding to what you have told me; I haven't heard her side of the story.

It sounds to me like you were justified to be concerned. I kind of have a personal "rule" that is "If you want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, let's both friends with the other person. " Keeping friendships a secret, or totally separate from your partner is definitely a "little red flag." Even if nothing is going on, it is disrespectful. I would also be concerned about her lack of willingness to talk to you about what the nature of her relationship with this guy is. The reality is that the way your relationship started adds to your lack of trust as you already know that she is capable of "cheating" on a partner. After waiting for her for two years, only to have her hang out with someone else, you certainly have a right to be upset.

The unfortunate reality is that we warn people about hooking up with married people, or recently divorced people, for a very good reason. Often, "the other man” (or woman) serves the role of helping her get out of her marriage, but the reality is that she hasn't taken the time to grieve the loss of her marriage, or learn new relationship skills, or discover who she is or what she wants aside from a partner. Committing fully to another relationship (with you) may not be wise, or even possible for her right now. Consequently, she may be relying on the same technique she used to get out of her marriage to get out of the relationship with you-another man.

Here is the big problem you face: If she did not have the relationship skills she needed to keep her marriage together and she didn't take any steps after her marriage to learn new skills, she is in no better of a position to make the relationship with you work. People often fail to realize that if you want something different, you have to DO something different. Just getting a different guy isn't usually sufficient.

So, were you wrong to call it off? I can't tell you for sure without talking with her, but it seems to me you certainly had valid concerns and good reasons to call it off. Should you get back together? Is she asking you too? Is she willing to do anything different? Is she willing to learn new skills? Are you? Going back will only yield the same results unless you both commit to doing something differently.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What have you learned?

Love Tip fo the Week: Trust your own knowing of what is okay with you and what is not. In your heart, you know whether or not you are doing the right thing.

Running Into Ex-Lovers...Are the Feelings Real?

2007-09-13T16:21:00.002-07:00

ear Eve,
I'm going to visit my hometown for the first time in years for a wedding. I am sure that I will run into an old boyfriend from twenty years ago. (Now, we're both thirty-eight and married.) I am not sure whether I will still feel attracted to him, or what. It has been so long. I don't want to make my husband feel uncomfortable, or his wife for that matter, but I am looking forward to seeing him and would like to have the opportunity to catch up. Are there any tips you can give me to help me know how to handle this?

Aloha,
It is important for people to understand that real love does not go away. It may get blocked from flowing due to any number of circumstances, or it may be ignored, but love is always there. If you really once loved this man, there is a huge likelihood that you will feel love and fondness when you see him again. If you have other unfinished feelings from a past relationship, they may also emerge-sadness, grief, anger, or simply a need to understand that period of time in your life. If you don't realize this possibility in advance, it has the potential to take you by surprise and wreck havoc in your life, and his, and your marriages. Note that it isn't the love or the feelings that you experience that will wreck the havoc, it is what you decide to do with those feelings.

So, here are some really practical tips:
1) Honor the feelings without acting on them. Know that the part of you that loved this man is that part of you that still feels fondness for him, (and/or hurt or sadness). In other words, if you loved him as a teenager, your inner teenager will still feel the feelings-perhaps love, perhaps grief-but they are not necessarily the feelings of who you are today. That doesn't make them any less tangible, but it does make a huge difference over what you do with them. The love you may feel when you see him again is for an eighteen-year-old boy, from an eighteen-year-old girl. You are thirty-eight now and the emotions are not current. Knowing this will help you make wiser choices about how to manage the feelings.

I once saw an old boyfriend and expected to have feelings of anger over the way we broke up from fifteen years earlier. Instead when I saw him, I felt love and fondness. Rather than following those old feelings into a renewed relationship, I allowed those feelings to be validation that the relationship had been real, and valuable, even though it had ended in a way that made me question that over the years. Ultimately, the experience was very healing, causing old doubts and upsets to dissipate.

2) Respect the feelings of your spouse and his when you see each other. Include them in the conversation. Remember, that even though you may have been intimately involved with him then, it does not give you permission to touch him, or move close to him when you talk, or whisper to him, now. Just because you were lovers or sweethearts once and thus had permission to enter each other's personal space, that “permission” has been revoked by both time and marriage. It isn't okay to pick up where you left off. It is not respectful of him and his marriage and it isn't respectful of your spouse either.

3) Think before you share your feelings. Sharing your emotions with your ex or sharing your feelings with your spouse, before you take the time to process them and understand them, could be hurtful and confusing. Allow yourself the time to bring your emotions back into the present day and present reality before saying things you may regret.

Remember, when you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it is time to water your lawn.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you expecting?

Love Tip of the Week: Rather than wondering if you will still have feelings for an ex sweetheart, expect to have feelings. Prepare yourself for that likelihood and strategize to make the wisest decisions for all involved.

Should I Date a Single Mom?

2007-09-13T16:21:00.001-07:00

Hi Eve,

I am a single guy that is in college and I recently started online dating. I showed interest in a woman on the site. She showed it back and we started a conversation via email.
I have emailed her every day since and she emails back. She has also initiated emails just asking how my day was and other friendly conversation. I have to admit that I am flattered that she has shown interest in those simple things.

The one draw back that I see is that she is a single mother.
I know that there can be complications because my sister is in the same situation. I'd like to think that the daughter of one that I am interested in is just a "little" version of her and that I should not worry, but I do worry. What if there was a long-term relationship, will her daughter like me or just get accustomed to me being around-or worse? I have read columns online and tell you the truth, I am still a little confused. There are a lot of viewpoints that range from just be patient to run as fast as you can away from this situation.

I guess I am asking for any advice. Any input will be greatly appreciated.

Aloha,
First, some questions for you: How old is the daughter? What is her relationship with her father like? And, how long have they been apart?

The answers to these questions make a big difference in whether she will like you, accept you, rebel against you-whether she will be a joy in your life or a burden.

Generically speaking, the more recent the break-up, the more challenging accepting someone new will be for the child and the younger the child, the more adaptable. Keep in mind, a child may be the miniature version of the dad rather than the mom, so you might want to know a little more about him, as well. The influence of the biological father can make a big difference. Is he angry, jealous, intruding, or supportive? Are you having to take on the role of father or of step-father (yes, the can be different roles).

Whether you should go forward or not depends on a lot of variable besides whether or not the woman has kids. There are lifestyle issues, discipline issues, financial issues, personality issues-all kinds of things to consider-including your personality, attitude and ability to respond appropriately to the situations that may arise. I know a lot of guys who have great relationships with their step-kids and I know kids who came into my counseling office at school and gave me their detailed (and effective) plan for breaking up their mom and step-dad's relationship, so I don't think you can follow generic advice on this.

I'm sure, especially since your sister is a single mom, that you can relate to how sad it would be if all men ruled all single mothers out of the dating options just because their previous relationship didn't work. No more love and no man in the household for the child because their parents couldn't figure out how to make the relationship work? That would truly be sad- and a problem for millions of people.

With that said, it is wise that you are thinking about what you want and don't want. Consider what kind of lifestyle and flexibility you want to have upon graduating from college. Consider where you are planning to live when your studies are over. Take some time to explore what kind of lifestyle you want and how soon. If you meet a woman you like and she has kids, take your time before getting serious-meet the kids, observe lifestyles, personalities, family dynamics, the influence of the ex, all of the things that will impact the situation and make your decision not on generic advice of the "experts" or other guys who may or may not have had any sense about them, but rather follow your own heart, intuition and wisdom.
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you with kids?

Love Tip of the Week: Always remember that you play an important role in the results that you get.

Tired of Just "Being Friends"

2007-09-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I'm a fifty-year-old widow. I started dating again three years after my husband's passing. I'm dating a man that wants to be just friends-to get to know each other. He's never dated a widow before and says he doesn't want to take advantage of me. He has been married and divorced twice. After seven months, we have kissed only a few times. Even spending the night when I invited him to my bed, I kissed him and he said, “Good-night”.
Do I start to date other men or wait for his walls to drop?
Confused.

Hi,
If his walls didn't drop when you invited him into your bed, you might be waiting a very long time. When he says he doesn't want to “take advantage of you,” my guess is that is just an excuse to maintain a certain distance because, either he isn't attracted to you romantically, he has sexuality issues (whether physical or emotional) or there is some other issue (fear?) keeping him from going forward into a relationship.

The reality is that he has told you he "just wants to be friends" and he actually is only being your friend; he is doing exactly what he said he would do. What you see/hear is what you get.
What is confusing you isn't his behavior; it is your desire to be more than friends with a guy who isn't offering more than that.

What I didn't hear in your letter was how your friendship/relationship was other than in the bedroom. Are you compatible? Do you really enjoy his company? Do you want to be in a more committed relationship with him or were you just hoping for a more intimate relationship with him? Do you want to keep him as a friend in your life if it never goes any further in the bedroom? In other words, is this worth waiting for?

If you really like this guy, rather than just starting to date or waiting for his walls to drop, I'd talk to him about it. Seven months is plenty long enough to “get to know each other” and to have a sense of whether you want to take the relationship to another level. Let him know you appreciate his friendship, but that in addition to friendship, you want a romantic and intimate companion. Ask him if he is interested in that with you and then LISTEN to his answer. If he is still unsure or shares with you again that he just wants to be friends, honor what he is telling you!

One of the biggest mistakes people make is not listening to what people tell us in the beginning of a relationship. If he is saying he just wants to be friends, he is telling you the truth. If you try to make it more than that, he may go ahead move forward only to find himself dealing with the same issues he was dealing with before getting intimate. If he decides then that he was correct in the first place by just being friends, it will be much more difficult and painful to deal with.
I wish you the best.
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How long does it take to know whether you want to have an intimate relationship with someone? How long does it take to know that you want to have a committed, long-lasting relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Some things in life are worth waiting for, others are just a use of precious time. There are two ways to determine the difference. One is to have a conversation about it, and the second is to self-inquire. Ask yourself what is right for you. In both cases you need to listen, and honor what you hear.