Ask Eve Relationship Advice

Welcome to Ask Eve Relationship Advice!

2012-09-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

It is my sincere hope that this blog assists you in creating healthier relationships—with your loved ones, family, friends, coworkers, with Spirit, and with yourself through enhanced self-esteem.
My web site www.EveHogan.com has a lot of additional information and www.SacredGardenStore.com has wonderful products for sale including my books: How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, Way of the Winding Path and Rings of Truth. Enjoy!

With aloha, Eve

What is Under the Mask?

2009-10-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

As Halloween is approaching, people are trying to figure out which costumes to wear and which personalities to adopt in answer to the question, “What are you going to be for Halloween?”

Essentially, we are trying to figure out who we are going to pretend to be. Wouldn’t it be interesting though, to ask ourselves who we are already pretending to be? Are we pretending to be happy when we aren’t really? Are we pretending to be scared, or that we know it all, or that money isn’t an issue, or that it is? Are we pretending to be in love? Are we faking our satisfaction? Are we faking our dissatisfaction for the attention it brings? Maybe a better question than who are you going to pretend to be is ‘who are you when you stop pretending?’

Our authentic soul essence gets so covered up with masks and facades (the ego’s defense mechanisms) that we often totally lose sight of who we really are and what we really want. We adapt to what we think others want, we mold ourselves to try to get love, we play so many manipulative games with people to get our needs met that we completely lose touch with our true divine essence.

When you consider the qualities of someone with high self-esteem, they are very similar to small children: confident, risk-taking, adventurous, authentic, eager to learn, happy, loving, lovable…. Children are closely aligned with their esteemed self because they haven’t yet had life experiences that have separated their egos from their spirits. Small children know their divine essence. All they do is an authentic expression of who they are.

The good news is that these qualities never go away; they just get covered up. Our access to them just gets blocked.

Let me give you a graphic analogy. Imagine that “who you really are” is a glass full of sparkling, clear, pure, bubbly water—refreshing and delightful. Then, your life experiences and the people around you begin pouring dirty, grimy motor oil into your glass. Since oil floats on water, a mucky layer of oil forms on top of your beautiful, pure effervescence. Now when you look at yourself you see the oily muck instead of the clear, refreshing water, and you begin to believe that this mucky layer is who you are. Who you really are is still there, but your access to it is blocked.

Then, because you don’t like the way this oily muck looks or feels, you begin sprinkling glitter on top. You want other people to see the glitter instead of the muck because, hopefully, they won’t hurt you more by pointing out the muck. The glitter is the world of pretention and protection—smiling when you don’t mean it, perfection, superficiality, materialism, faking, anger, control, withdrawal, even substance abuse—there are a myriad masks that we wear.

The pure, bubbly water is covered up by the oil, which is covered up by the glitter. Who you really are (your soul essence) is covered up by who you think you are (your mucky thoughts and thought-generated feelings), which is covered up by who you want everyone else to think you are (the façade you present to the world for self-protection).

The irony here is that we think our glittery ego layer will protect us or make people like us more, and maybe even make us like ourselves more. So we all go around bumping into each other, glitter to glitter or muck to muck (that is, ego to ego). And while the glittery ego layer may sometimes protect us from feeling more pain, it also “protects” us from feeling more love. Our inauthentic connections with others leave us feeling isolated and lonely. In actuality, ego, in both its damaged, mucky form and its bandaged, glittery form, is what blocks our access to self-esteem—to heart, to truth, to connection, to intimacy, to love—every time.

So this Halloween, rather than contemplating new layers that you can add, see if you can peel some layers away. Perhaps you might have a “come as you really are party”…and meet your friends for the first time, as they reveal themselves.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: The question is not, “is the cup half empty or half full” the question is, “Do you know how to fill it back up?”

Love Tip of the Week: The secret to accessing your divine essence is awareness.

Purifying our Actions…

2009-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Our egos have an interesting way of camouflaging our intentions. What may appear on the outside to be a nice gesture may actually be a self-serving ego at work. This concealment of truth not only affects those outside of us, but our ego’s motives are often equally hidden from ourselves. In other words, we often lack the self-awareness to see through our own ego games and don’t even know we are being manipulative. Then, we can’t understand why the world responds to us negatively.

Our spirit essence is all about being loved and being loving. We are here—on a spirit level— to love, learn, laugh, create and serve. Our egos, however, get the concept of being loving and being loved all confused and think that these are something we NEED to do, missing entirely the reality that we don’t “need to get/do” that which we already have and are.

Instead, the ego sets out on a mission to fulfill a perceived need love and be loved. This ego agenda, ironically, completely blocks our ability to do so with purity. Rather than just being loving and loved, we become manipulative in order to give and receive love. Our need to love others becomes a manipulative effort to control them (so that they will become lovable to us). Our need to be loved by others becomes a manipulative effort to gain approval. When we operate instead from a pure place of authenticity, people can’t help but love us and we are filled with love, understanding, empathy and compassion for them, as well.

The difference between operating from the ego or the spirit can be quite subtle and from the outside may look identical, but it doesn’t feel the same. Let’s look at this with what I call the “Tissue Issue.”

When someone is crying and we offer them a tissue, we can do so from our own ego-need for control, in which case the simple act of offering a tissue can actually (energetically) say, "Stop crying...I'm uncomfortable with your tears...." Our ego wants them to stop so that we can more easily love them.

Or, if we offer it from our need for approval, the tissue can really say, "Aren't I wonderful and caring? Notice how loving I am." In this case, we are not really the caretaker, rather we are hoping that the crying person will then acknowledge us (taking care of our need for approval). This will satisfy the ego’s need for love.

Or, we can offer a tissue from a place of authentic purity in which there is no expectation or need for the person to stop, and no need for acknowledgement. This is the purified state of authentic living, doing what needs to be done without an ego agenda of manipulation.

When I walked the labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral, I unexpectedly found myself sobbing overwhelmed with the devotion of 800 years of people walking the labyrinth and the amazing effort of those who built the labyrinth (and the cathedral). As I sat in the center sobbing, I saw an anonymous set of shoes move past me and suddenly there was a much needed tissue on my knee. The tissue said neither "stop crying", nor "look at me." It was simply a pure offering of love and a practical solution to a need with no ego attached.

I share this with an invitation to practice the concept of self-observation and inquiry. Begin to notice what you are doing, saying and thinking and begin the process of awareness as to the motive. Ask yourself, Is this about my need for approval or control? is this pure/authentic? Notice that it may not at all be the action that is the problem, but the source of the action that needs to switch.

Often, the action or words used may end up being exactly the same, but when the energy motive from which they come is different, the action is received very differently, as well.

I invite you to become adept at what I call the Five Essential Life Skills* as a means of getting back to center when they are out of alignment.
The five skills, in a nutshell, are
1) Remember who you really are (spirit/love),
2) Self-Observe (what are you doing, saying, thinking, imagining?),
3) Let go of that which you aren't (The ego needs of approval and control)
4) Realign with your authentic self and
5) Choose actions in alignment (with who you really are and what you are trying to create.)

As you practice this level of self-mastery, you will begin to notice the world responding to you differently. Ironically, the ego camouflages our false motives (control/approval), and underneath those is actually the pure motive of love. It is time to purify our actions.

**I have a longer description of these 5 skills on my blog www.AskEveAdvice.com (look on the right hand side and it will show you where) if you are interested. My books, "Way of the Winding Path," and "How to Love Your Marriage" both speak to these as well.

Why a Mother Shrine?

2009-09-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

When I tell people that I have a Mother Shrine at The Sacred Garden, sometimes they look at me like, “Why? What? A Mother Shrine?” So indoctrinated are we into the Heavenly Father concept that the concept of a Heavenly Mother image seems foreign or pagan or….weird. But let me tell you my why.

In the little picture, on my personal level,
Prior to my mom’s passing, she lost all ability to speak and write. While I cared for her I had to learn to listen to her beyond words. As she was in the process of dying and I was devastated at losing contact with her, I suddenly realized that there would be no difference. The way she and I had had to learn to communicate was the same way God communicates with us—through images, dreams, intuition, ideas, signs… Mom and I spent a full year prior to her death learning to communicate that way. She had been teaching me the language of God.

When my mom died I had a sense of her merging with God. God became very personal rather than bigger than life and I felt heard and loved in a way that I had not experienced before. I had a knowing of my prayers landing on ears that were listening.

On Mother’s Day, I wanted to honor her so I set up a Mother Shrine and pulled out all the images of God as Mother that I had in my home. Much to my surprise, I discovered I had quite a few. When Mother’s Day passed, I just didn’t want to disassemble the shrine, so I gave it a permanent home. Thus, The Mother Shrine at The Sacred Garden was born.

While that is how it started, I have since discovered the big picture level….
Our modern religions have focused on God in the form of the masculine, even to the point of denying any feminine aspect of God. Prayers are masculine both when referring to the Divine and the devotee. Women are denied priesthood in many religions, etc. So, for the female aspirant, this is problematic. If God is a male, and the predominant means of getting to God is delegated to males and all our prayers are in the masculine, it becomes very difficult for the girl/woman to feel like she is a part of this divine plan.

What I have discovered from praying in a Mother Shrine is a distinct difference that emerges than solely praying in a Father-based shrine and it stems from our cultural gender beliefs. While we think that we were made in the image and likeness of God, I tend to think that we have created our image of God in the likeness of us. In our society, the father is the protector, problem solver, provider and disciplinarian and the mother is the nurturer, caretaker, and healer. When we, as a society pray to a father image we tend to focus our prayers on asking for things (from the provider), asking for God to keep us safe (the protector), get us out of a mess we are in (the problem solver) and believe that God should be feared (the punisher). Somehow when we pray to a Father God, we ask for things to come to us from the outside in, like we might of our actual physical father.

When we pray to the mother image of God, there is a distinct difference, at least for me. I offer my gratitude for the love and nurturing that I am receiving and for the beauty that surrounds me. I do not ask for things, I ask for qualities—compassion, kindness, wisdom, love and strength. I don’t ask for things from the Mother, I ask to be like the Mother. I ask for compassion and gentleness with others and myself. I ask to embody the healing qualities of Tara, the compassion and caring of Quan Yin, the nurturing and amazing perseverance and strength of Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, I ask for the ability to see abundance all around me from Lakshmi, I ask for the discernment, strength and loyalty of Kali and Durga who protect their loved ones with the fierceness of a mother lion. When I pray to a Mother God, I feel love. When I pray to a Mother God, I ask for things from the inside, out. Maybe this is just a “girl thing” but in any case, it is powerfully different for me.

One does not replace the other, nor is one better than the other. I just like being the child of both the masculine and the feminine and being included, as a female child, in the Holy arrangement.

The Deep End of Life

2009-08-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

We placed our kayak into the water and began paddling with all our might to get out past the breakers over the reef. I fought my fear of flipping over at the same time as I fought my desire to look up at the majestic cliffs that towered to our left. Instinctively, I knew that one look up at the wrong moment could cause us to “huli” and tipping our kayak over in the surf, on the reef, just did not sound like a good way to start our trip down the Na Pali coast of Kauai. Especially, because I wasn’t sure how to get back in the kayak once out—a detail in retrospect that might have been wise to practice before leaving.

Just past the first challenge of the reef in deeper and slightly less treacherous waters, I looked ahead at the 16 miles of stunning, rugged, and otherwise inaccessible coastline that stretched before us. It was then that I realized that we had jumped headfirst into the deep end of life.

While it wasn’t exactly like being “up a creek without a paddle”, because well, we had paddles, it meant virtually the same thing. We had about 12 miles to go to reach our first destination, I hadn’t been kayaking in over three years, never in rough seas, and never ever in a place where there was no where to go ashore.

While some might understandably call this stupid, I didn’t realize the stupidity until I was in the midst of 4-6 foot confused seas that came in from the right, bounced off the cliffs and relentlessly rebounded at us from the left with 25 knot winds hitting us from the back. It somehow never occurred to me—until then—that this was dangerous. It never occurred to me that we could be in “over our heads.” It never occurred to me that maybe I should have WORN my life jacket instead of using it as a backrest.

Somehow, growing up going to Disneyland gave me a skewed view of life. One in which I wander though adventures saying, “Wow, this is just like Disneyland,” only to be corrected by my husband who reminds me while in a submarine, or river rafting, or zip-lining, “No, Eve, Disneyland is just like this.” But, hello, here we were and there we no seatbelts and no tracks and this was definitely NOT like Disneyland.

I also hadn’t realized the relationship skills that would be required, since my husband and I were literally “in the same boat.” We had to get in sync and we had to do it fast. We had, oh say, maybe 30 seconds to figure out how to steer together before we reached those first waves, after that, we had to trust each other, communicate, agree on where we would and would not go and paddle in sync for about six hours as we went in and out of sea caves, under a water fall, past giant green sea turtles and spinner dolphins, under soaring white-tailed Tropic birds, down one of the most beautiful coastlines in the entire world.

Had you asked me at the end of that day, after we had worried about friends who had flipped over and struggled with a water-logged boat, after we had overshot our destination and had to turn around with arms and backs already spent and paddle back into the wind and waves for nearly an extra hour to get to shore safely, after we got fried by the intense Hawaiian sun, if I would ever do it again, I would have said no. Had I known, I may not have gone at all. But now, that a few days have passed and one of my long-time dreams has been checked off my “bucket list,” after four days of camping with great friends and seeing few other people, after seeing thousand foot cliffs by moonlight, silhouetted by more stars than I’d ever seen at one time in my whole life, after being revitalized under a pristine waterfall, now that are back in safe harbor, I would have to say yes.

The deep end of life is where the action is. The deep end is where you learn to sink or swim, where you learn to become self-reliant, resilient and relentless. This is where you stretch who you are and become comfortable being uncomfortable. The deep end is where life’s best memories are made and the treasure of great stories are created.

Note: These pics were taken a year prior...in the weather we were EXPECTING....

First Date Fears

2009-08-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve
I think I have a serious problem. I am twenty-four years old and I have never been on a date. I am going on one in a week and do not want to screw up. I have been looking for this woman for a long time. We connect writing to each other and we feel the same way about each other. What can I do that will spark interest but not scare her off?
Can you give me advise on this? Please help me!

Hi....
Congratulations on your upcoming date! It sounds like you have already sparked her interest, now, take a deep breath and relax. The more relaxed you are, the more yourself you are, the easier your date will be. Everyone has to start somewhere—and I’ve gotten this same question from people in their fifties— so instead of thinking that "you have a serious problem" or that something is wrong with you (which is a difficult mindset to feel confident with), reframe your thinking to honor that you waited until you were ready to start dating. Also, while “past baggage from previous relationships” is one of the world’s biggest complaints, you can feel confident that your lack of experience could actually be a welcomed thing.

The biggest challenge I see facing you is not being so anxious for a relationship that you create one where one should not be. Remember—this is a date not the date. Try not to put pressure on yourself for it to be perfect. You will have a lot of dates in your future, so just look at this as a fun opportunity to get together with someone whose company you (hopefully) enjoy and it will be fine. Control your expectation that she is the one that you’ve been searching for, because until you've spent some time together—in person—you won't know that for sure. If you expect to meet a friend and it turns out to be more, you will be pleasantly surprised. If you expect your soul mate and it turns out to be only a friend, you will be disappointed.

The most likely thing to “scare her off” is if you come across as if you are sure she is “the one” and start planning your future together before you could possibly know. She wants to know that it is her you are in love with, not your imagined version of her.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when they meet online is they build the relationship by sharing deeply through communication, discussing their hopes and dreams and then they get face to face and suddenly don't talk anymore. When a relationship is developed through deep communication, it is really important to keep that level of communication going.

Continue to ask and answer questions. Before your date, think of some of topics that you would like to explore based on what is important to you and what you already know about her. It is okay to revisit old conversations that you wrote about now that you are face-to-face. You can even say, "You said in your emails that you like to go sailing. What kind of sailing have you done?" Repeating what you read shows you were "listening" and paying attention, asking questions shows your interest and curiosity. Be prepared to answer your own question. "I've done some sailing, but not a lot. One time I sailed in a race... All you are really doing is transforming the written into the verbal and visual.

Don't be afraid to tell her the truth...."I'm sorry if I seem a little uncomfortable, honestly, I've been so busy with school...(or whatever) that I haven't really dated much....." By letting her know what is truly going on with you, she will likely be more supportive of any discomfort or lulls in conversation. People are quite understanding when what they understand is the truth.
Let me know how it goes!
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How old were you on your first date?

Love Tip of the Week: There is nothing more romantic than someone who sees the real you and loves you—no matter whether you stutter and stumble, or whether you are suave and sophisticated. The key to love like this is showing them the real you. Be authentic. (Here is a hint: You’ll have to let down your ego shield to do it.)

No Baggage...No Woman...What Gives?

2009-08-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I am 37, divorcing in about two weeks, and totally ready to move on along this glorious journey called "life"! I am upbeat, positive, confident, intellectual, forthright, honest, and not addicted to beer, drugs, or sports. I have no kids, and no "baggage." I have a good job and endless possibilities in my future. The problem seems to be that women appreciate that from afar, but will only get but so close—then they run off with some derelict with no job, no mind, and no hope, or accuse me of things I am not doing, just because "all guys are like ‘that.’" Am I just swimming in a "pool of fools", or is there something that I'm doing wrong?
Thanks in advance,
Confused

Aloha Confused,
If you are as wonderful as you say, then I can only assume that one of the biggest challenges you face currently is that you are still married and at minimum, a woman encountering you right now might fear that you are “on the rebound” and not emotionally or physically truly available. She might also fear that you seem to take divorce lightly with your “quick to move on attitude” which translates roughly to “Oh well, no biggie...” (An unfair assessment with so little information, I know.)

One of the ultimate challenges to answering questions like “Am I doing something wrong?” is that it could be something as simple as needing to brush your teeth or as complex as needing to be truly available before anyone you date will be available to you. There is no way I can assess the details without talking with you more.

I suggest you take a careful self-assessment that goes beyond the wonderful qualities that you have listed. Is there anything that you are doing that puts you in a category of “all the other guys”? You might even want to ask a female friend for her honest assessment of what she sees that might be pushing women away. In fact, what is your wife saying? While most of us want to make our spouse wrong as we go through a divorce, it is possible that she has some valid information that could serve you if you are willing to listen and consider it as the truth of someone else’s observation.

To say you have “no baggage” in the same breath as saying you are getting divorced in two weeks makes me want to ask a whole bunch of questions about why you are getting divorced and how you feel about it. I’d also ask, how long you have been assessing women’s interest in you—as a married man?

In the Book of Common Sense (which I just made up!), it would be unwise for a woman to get closer than just “so close” to a guy who is still married. If by saying that they “will only get so close” you really mean that they won’t have sex with you, you need to ask yourself what you are actually offering them. You are a married man and as such you are likely not looking for a long-term committed relationship or offer monogamy. You probably can’t receive phone calls when you are at home, or spend the night after being intimate or go on vacation. You are probably not able to acknowledge a lover’s role in your life nor able to show affection publicly. Let’s be honest here: you are not ready to go beyond just “so close” yourself. From my vantage point it would appear they are trying to avoid being foolish—and fooled.

It could also be the type of woman that you are attracted to or the type of woman who is willing to date you while you are married that poses your problem. So, ask yourself what attracts you to a woman and see if you are unconsciously choosing women who are all of a certain type. It may indeed be that you need to swim in a different pond, but if you don’t honestly assess yourself first, your challenges will surely follow you!
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you being fair in your expectations of others?

Love Tip of the Week: When trying to figure out what is going wrong, always look first to your own choices. New choices will undoubtedly yield different results.

Sex Without Responsibility? Not.....

2009-08-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,

I’ve been married thirty years. My wife has several health ailments, because of which our love style has changed. We are no longer having sex.

I’m in very good health, approaching my sixties and am not ready to stop having romance. I don't want to leave my wife as she needs me and we’re good partners. She has consented to me finding someone to have some intimacy with. I would tell the other person right away to be sure this would work for them. However, if there is someone out there in the same situation, looking for just a romantic friend with no strings attached that would be great.

We both realize this is somewhat of a gamble, but in life you have to take chances and we have thirty years of understanding. Am I looking at a pipe dream or is this possible?

Aloha,
While I am certain that there are other people in similar situations, and that this scenario is physically possible, there are several issues that need to be thought through before you proceed.

Let’s start with semantics. While it is romantic to think this is a “romance” issue, you are talking about sex. Romance is sharing the mysteries and celebrating the beauty of life. Romance feeds love. There is no reason you can’t still be romantic with your wife. Sex is another issue. I am pointing this out about this because, it is important you are really clear about what you are planning on sharing with someone else. Are you looking to start up a romantic relationship—one that includes looking deep into each other’s eyes, holding hands, calling each other all the time, etc. or are you looking for someone to have sex with—or both?

There are a lot of couples (a lot more than most of us think) that are having sexual encounters with people other than their spouses—with their spouse’s knowledge and blessing. So, obviously, it can work. However, it isn’t always as simple as one might hope.

In your case, if you and your wife were monogamous for thirty years, I can guarantee this isn’t likely to be comfortable emotionally—even if logically it makes sense to both of you. After thirty years, I’m guessing you don’t have a clue how to go about having sex without romance, love and commitment (strings). It may not be in your D.N.A.

Here are some scenarios to consider: Your wife says, “go for it,” thinking that it isn’t fair that her physical condition is keeping you from having a satisfying sex life. Then, when you do, she suddenly feels jealous, betrayed, and abandoned. She compares herself to this new woman and starts thinking that for the last thirty years, this type of woman is what you have really wanted and starts questioning everything. She didn’t expect to feel this way, nor did you, but there it is—emotionally deep and murky waters.

Or, you think you can have sex with no strings attached. You start having intimate encounters with someone who has agreed to this scenario, but since sex also tends to “make love,” you suddenly find yourself falling in love with this other woman and wanting to spend more and more time with her.

Or, she starts falling in love with you and wanting more. Suddenly there are strings attached, what do you do?

Or, you are happily having sex with this other woman and going home to your wife. Do you talk about it? Do you do it quietly behind her back? Now that she has given her blessings, is she going to be constantly wondering and suspicious?

There are undoubtedly other people who are in a similar situations. Hey, there may even be a web site for making matches just like these, but before you leap, you and your wife need to really be sure you can navigate the floodwaters that may rise.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Have you considered how you would feel if the tables were turned?

Love Tip of the Week: Strings are attached to everything. They are called “responsibility.”

Trained for Love

2009-06-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

I just got the world’s most adorable puppy and since he is destined to be BIG…(and I mean GIANT big because he is a St. Bernard Rotweiller/ mix with, at 8-weeks old, paws as large as my own hands) I figure I better start training him now. As I read article after article on dog training, the funny part is the realization that I am the one being trained. The dog is just “following my lead.” Literally. As I change my behavior, he changes his.

I can’t help but think that people follow our lead too—for everything from how to treat us to how to live with us to how to love us. Wouldn’t the same dog training logic—changing what we do to illicit a certain response—do wonders when we are raising children or establishing a relationship?

First of all, dogs need to know what is expected of them and we, as “owners,” need to be consistent. Isn’t that true of people, too? This is not as simple as it sounds. in order to let others know what we want, we have to know ourselves.

Last night, I laid down on the floor to play with the puppy and he climbed on top of me—which is exactly what I wanted him to do; it was adorable. That is until I fast-forwarded in my mind to his destined-to-be-150+-pound-body and realized immediately that I had just let him be “top dog.” Someday, that would surely come back to haunt me if I didn’t stop immediately. The dog was not “wrong” for climbing on top of me, I was wrong for letting him. I was, essentially “training” him (poorly) with my behavior.

When we are confused, inconsistent or misguided ourselves, we confuse or misguide others (canine and human) who are looking to us for direction. It was a bit of a rude awakening when I realized that I had “trained” my husband in exactly the same misguided manner. I inadvertently communicated to him that he didn’t have to do dishes by jumping up to get them from him every time he went to take them to the sink. After he heard me say, “Oh let me get those,” 100 times as I took them off his hands, he was officially trained by me that I am the household dishwasher. He probably even thought that I wanted it that way due to my insistence. (This is really “funny” when you hear yourself blame your spouse for something that in reality you were responsible for creating—sigh.)

In my reading I also discovered that dogs feel insecure when they don’t know what is expected of them. They want to know the rules. Apparently, any lack of consistency and guidance from me could cause my adorable little puppy to have anxiety and stress. The same is true with the people in our lives. Our own clarity, consistency and confidence actually relieve stress in those wishing to be in a relationship with us. The clearer we are, the easier it is for them to love us—and be loved by us.

To me, it represented my own growth in asserting how I expected to be treated when I was clear with the pup that biting me was not okay. I know for sure that a couple of years ago I would have just let him bite me to pieces thinking he was just “playing.” I have had to learn to assert the same boundaries in some of my personal relationships with people, too.

The funny thing here is it isn’t so much what I say as what I do that communicates my expectations to the pup. Isn’t it true that we find myriad ways to communicate to people what we will tolerate that speak even louder than our words? People—and dogs—only treat us the way we allow them to. The clearer our boundaries are about what is okay with us, the more respectful and responsive they are.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How are you training the people in your life to treat you?

Love Tip of the Week: How you behave determines how others behave toward you. Big love requires big responsibility—to learn to behave so that others will, too.

A Question of Love

2009-05-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, “Which direction do I go from here?” He responded with another question, “It depends, where do you want to be?” Alice, thinking for a moment said, “I guess it really doesn’t matter.” To which the Cheshire Cat replied with a grin, “Then it doesn’t really matter which way you go.”

Much like trying to “get there” without knowing where it is that we want to go, we spend our entire lives searching for answers, but seldom do we really stop to consider that perhaps we haven’t been asking the right questions.

As the author of Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be, you can imagine that I am an extreme advocate of asking questions of the people you are dating (or considering dating) as a means of determining whether you have anything in common and establishing a firm foundation for a relationship. The unfortunate reality is that many of us tend to ask more questions about a car we are buying or a house than we typically do about a guy or gal we are going to be intimate with—one whom we may become parents with, or vow our entire lives to.

One of the challenges reported to me is the concern that the questions go both ways, “If I ask them questions, they will ask me questions. I don’t know what to say.” Sometimes we don’t want to answer questions or reveal aspects of ourselves due to unresolved shame or embarrassment over things that have happened or choices that we have made, but often it is just a lack of self-awareness that causes us to be unsure of what to say.

Consequently, I am also an extreme advocate of self-inquiry and self-awareness. Asking questions of yourself and seeking the answers through meditation, contemplation, journal work, dream work or conversations will all guide you to a deeper understandng of yourself. Intimacy, in-to-me-see, is enhanced with deeper communication. A deeper look into yourself is required in order to share yourself more deeply with another.

The art of questioning actually seems to be a theme throughout the ages, and throughout the sages. The Benjamin Disraeli, a British Prime Minister said, "The fool wonders, the wise man asks." Businessman Claude Levi-Strauss said, "The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions." Voltaire said, “Judge people not by their answers, but by their questions.” And Decouvertes said, “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” Albert Einstein urged us with his thoughts, “The important thing is to never stop questioning.”

Some of the sages were kind enough to help us pose the questions, Ramna Maharshi urged society to ask, “Who am I?” James Twyman, author of Troubadour of Peace, suggested, “"How would you act and what would you do if you knew you were the Emissary of love?" and one of my favorites was from Martin Luther King Jr., ““Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” And from yours truly, “The question isn’t whether the glass is half-empty or half-full, rather do you know how to fill it back up?”

I invite you to begin (or continue) a personal practice of self-inquiry. Feel free to start simple rather than tackling the big questions that have haunted humankind since the beginning of time. Just start with tackling the moment and simply noticing, What am I doing, saying and thinking right now? Then, move on to: What do I love? What do I stand for? What are my non-negotiable issues in a relationship—(the things I must have, or must not have)? Do my thoughts serve me or hinder me? Do I know my beliefs are true? The more you know yourself, the more authentic you will be. The more authentic you are, the more loved.
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are the key questions that, if we asked them, would lead us to peace, love, and happiness?

Love Tip of the Week: Ask others questions not to find out if their answers are right or wrong; ask just to find out who they are. Their answers are right for them. Your job is to determine if they are right for you.

What is Your Soul Purpose??

2009-05-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I attended a workshop on Awakening your Soul Purpose. While I was there in part as a facilitator, I was also attending as a participant to get a better understanding of the process. At the end of the workshop the facilitator bounced around the room seeking the answer to the question, Who are you? And the participants eagerly offered up their powerful statements of soul purpose—why they are here and what they are here to do in the world.

One ten year old boy stood up in a room full of adults and shared that his soul purpose, “I am a powerful being of light, here to uplift and inspire others…” He went on to share how at school, if someone teases him, he simply remembers who he really is and thinks, “How can that be true? I am a powerful being of light….”

As I listened, I couldn’t help but wonder how awesome it would be if the whole world were equipped with a deep knowing of who we are, and why we are here. Can you imagine when you were enduring the trials and tribulations of being a teenager, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt who you are? How differently our lives would have been!

It is said that in Africa, in a certain tribe, when a woman is pregnant she and her friends gather to pray and listen for the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration and as they listen, they discover the unborn child’s personal song. As the child grows up, the villagers sing the song to the child to remind him or her of who they really are. When someone does something wrong, the whole village gathers around them and sings them their soul song to get them back on track. They realize that when someone really knows/remembers their soul purpose, they behave very differently than when they forget. Simply punishing them merely reinforces the memory lapse. Instead, they sing the song to fill the person with love and reconnect them with the truth. The village takes responsibility for helping each other remember who they really are.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what your soul purpose is? If not, I encourage you to take a deeper look. What are your passions? What are your roles? What are your gifts and talents? What are your interests? What do you love? As my friend and mentor Joel Roberts says, What has your life been a perfect laboratory for? What themes do you see in the course of your life?

One of our homework assignments was to send an email to 20 people asking them to reflect to us what they saw in us, what they thought our talents and gifts were, what they felt we were here to do. This was a powerful experience as emails came in from long time friends, new friends, family, clients, and associates sharing what they saw. I encourage everyone to do this exercise. If it seems scary to you, it may be a sign that you need to realign with your soul purpose. Perhaps it is time to go into silence and listen for the song of your soul to be revealed—or replayed, so that you know that what others see is exactly what you are authentically sending out to the world. (If you have an interest in a Soul Purpose workshop, let me know!)

By all means, when you figure it out, tell the ones who love you about your soul purpose mission so that if you fall off the path, or your soul goes back to sleep, your “village” can sing to you and wake you back up to your mission.

So…it only seems fitting that I share with you mine, just in case:
“I am a protector of love and an instrument of peace. As I authentically walk my heart path, I guide others to unleash the wisdom of their own spirits. The Divine is the destination, and the journey. Compassion lights the way.”
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Who are you?

Love Tip of the Week: When you think you are a sinner, it is natural to sin. When you know you are divine, sinning is totally unnatural. Align your words, thoughts and actions with the truth of your spirit.

I Surrender

2009-04-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I am so frustrated I feel like giving up. I am struggling in so many areas of my life. My relationship is sort of “so so,” nothing horrible, but nothing to write home about either. I’m barely making it financially cause business has dropped off so much at work. Every time I turn around there is something else that happens, something else that needs my attention, some other problem. I feel like I can never get ahead. It isn’t so much like there is one awful thing happening, just a bunch of little things that are piling up and I’m not so sure I can take it. Really, I surrender. I don’t even have a question for you. I guess I just want you to convince me to hang in there. Thanks.

Aloha,
First of all, take a deep breath and tune into what is actually happening right now. Breathe again. So often when we slip into this level of overwhelm, it is when we look toward the future and try to handle all of time simultaneously—which is impossible. The result is serious overwhelm, frustration and despair. Instead, realize that all you can handle and all you need to handle is what is happening right now.

Most of us think the word “Surrender” means that we have succumbed to defeat, that we have allowed another (or circumstances) to win and thus, ourselves to loose. But surrendering can be a far more empowering act if we switch the way we look at it. Rather than “giving up” we can choose to surrender as an act of “offering up.”

In my experience, when I truly surrender my belief that I know, or I control, or it has to be my way, and offer it up to a higher source of power than my ego mind can manage, I am able to switch into acceptance and allowance, and peace becomes all-pervading instead of struggle. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I encourage you to recognize that there is a higher source of power within you than the ego mind (that is usually in charge of problems). As we align more and more with our authentic selves, we are better able to access our intuition, our wisdom and ability to identify solutions rather than just dwell on the problems.

Now, take another deep breath and let’s get practical. Another thing that makes us go into overwhelm is inaction. We leave things exactly the way they are, complain about them, blame other people for them, and allow the situation to work us into despair when really one action can make a huge difference and help us to get unstuck. It is hard to believe how huge of an impact one small action can make, but let’s take a look.

Let’s start with your relationship. The good news is that according to your own assessment, there is nothing horrible happening. So bumping a so-so relationship up to a good one, and then up to a great one may not take much effort at all. Let me ask you this: If you could do one thing that would spark your relationship up a level, like say 5% more fun, what would it be? What would happen if you made a point of hugging your partner when he/she got home from work? What would happen if you put down whatever else you were doing and showed genuine interest in your partner’s day? What would happen to your relationship if you reached out and initiated intimacy with your partner? What if you called during the day to just say hello? What if you planned and went on a date?

You may find that the same is true in every area of your life. Just start with one action in the direction you want the situation to move.

So often I hear people express their despair and a desire to give up only to discover that “just around the next bend” there is a much happier, healthier scenario. So avoid making permanent decisions for temporary problems and yes, definitely hang in there.
With aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is one thing you can do, in each area of your life, that would make it work better?

Love Tip of the Week: Sometimes the simplest action is choosing gratitude. Being thankful has a funny way of turning things around.

Handling Life’s Twists and Turns

2009-04-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

I find myself again and again feeling called upon to provide guidance in the arena of “self-strengthening.” Whether it is in private coaching or casual conversations, I keep hearing a theme in our society: a lack of belief in our own resilience to survive—the economy, a divorce, illness, death, loss, tragedy, difficulty or even simply change, good or bad.

This simply must change. We must take it upon ourselves to discover whatever it is we need to know, whatever it is we need to do, whoever it is we need to be, to see us through difficult times in a healthy, productive way.

One of the means that I have found for my own self-strengthening practice is walking the labyrinth. As a facilitator I guide people on labyrinth walks as a path of self-discovery. The process is a metaphor for taking a pilgrimage, but rather than journeying outward, the exploration is internal. A labyrinth is not a maze, instead it consists of a single path that leads to the center—the sacred destination. The same path leads you back out.

One of the ways that the labyrinth works for self-discovery is through metaphor. Whatever one experiences while walking the labyrinth is what, metaphorically, one needs to look at in his or her life.

As you walk you will encounter twenty-eight 180-degree turns, both going in and coming out. Paying special attention to how you feel as you encounter the turns can reveal a lot to you about how you deal with change. Often people share that they didn’t like the turns, that the turns emerged just as they were getting their rhythm. Or they share that the turns made them feel “off balance.” Metaphorically, this is usually true-to-life in terms of what they are going through outside of the labyrinth.

I have found that by the time most people get through twenty or thirty turns, they begin to “make friends” with the turns. They start spinning and dancing on the turns and noticing who they come face-to-face with; in other words, they start finding creative ways of managing the turns as they begin to recognize that the turns (changes) are inevitable and that the only way past them is through them. Often they even start looking forward to them. For some, the turns become the “fun part,” breaking up the monotony of walking in a single direction.

There is something to be learned from this process as it relates to our relationships and our lives. Since we know that we will inevitably encounter turns and changes in our relationships, in our spouses, and in ourselves, achieving a sense of acceptance, rather than resistance, about these changes will serve us greatly. And although we can aim to minimize some changes—by staying fit, eating healthfully, communicating honestly and regularly, and maintaining intimacy—many changes are not within our control. Thus, our ability to choose how we respond to the changes becomes imperative.

What usually causes us the most pain when we come to the 180-degree turns in relationships are (1) attachment to expectations or dreams of what we wanted, and (2) fear of the unknown and made-up stories about what is yet to come. In other words, our attachment to the past and our expectations for the future (projections both good and bad), throw us off balance in the present.

Whether you choose to discover more about the ways you encounter and deal with change by walking a labyrinth or simply by paying attention to your current behavior and patterns, I invite you to take the time to notice.

See if you can adopt an attitude of excitement over the new direction. Make it a habit to offer thanks to Spirit for everything and trust that the opportunity (for growth, for love, for strength, for forgiveness, compassion, understanding, etc.) will be revealed to you.

Change and challenge are inevitable. We need to make our trust in our ability to handle those changes and challenges equally, if not moreso, certain.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do you welcome change or resist it?

Love Tip of the Week: The root of Emergency is Emergence. Always look for the emergent blessing in every experience, change and challenge.

Affair or Marriage—Which Way to Go?

2009-04-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hello Eve
I am in a marriage that has been falling apart for some years now. My husband has had many affairs. Two years ago I began having an affair with an old boyfriend who is also married and unhappy. I'm staying in my marriage for financial reasons; he stays with his wife because of his kids. I feel this is no excuse for either of our actions, but he tells me he loves me and I love him, too. I don't know what to do; I'm so confused. I shouldn't be doing this. I’m insecure!!! This the reason why I cling to him— he accepts me in all ways—my weight, everything. I need help!!!

Aloha,
I invite you to consider that it isn't your sweetheart or your husband that needs to "accept you in all ways," it is YOU. As you are happy with and accepting of yourself, the world will treat you differently. You are letting your "happiness/security compass" be an external reference (your husband, your lover) rather than using your inner-self and your connection to Spirit/God as your guide—your internal reference.

One of the biggest things that blocks our self-love is when we are behaving outside of integrity. This causes extreme discomfort and guilt and makes it hard to feel good about ourselves. It becomes a downward cycle. The more insecure we are the more out of integrity we get. The more out of integrity we are, the more insecure we get. It is time to do some self-strengthening and self-loving exercises.

Ask this: Where is this leading? Do you imagine that you will really leave your spouses to be together? Are you happier having the affair or does it create more difficulty for you? How long are you going to continue this way? If you left your husband, and your lover did NOT leave his wife, what would you do? Is there a happy ending ahead or are you both avoiding doing what you need to do to truly be happy (whether that be staying with your spouses or leaving)?

Sometimes we blame things like money for staying, when in actuality, that is just an excuse. I invite you to really ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage. You may find that it really is because of fear or money or embarrassment or you may find that you are unwilling to let go of the possibility that you and your husband can actually love each other in a healthy way.

Do a bit more soul searching. If you had the money, would you leave right now? No? If the kids were on their own, would you move out right now? Start peeling back the layers of your reasons and excuses to see if you can unveil the truth. If indeed, you would leave right now if it weren't for the money... recognize that no one wants to be used for money and no one feels good about letting money rule their decisions. Do everyone a favor and do something different.

Once you decide that you really want to leave, you will see options for solving the money problem. I just don't think you are convinced that you have truly done all you can do to make your marriage work—starting with enhancing your own self-esteem.

I encourage you to read "How to Love Your Marriage." Even if you decide to leave your husband, the book will guide you in loving yourself and prepare you with skills and tools that will assist you in all relationships. If being self-directed through reading is not "your thing," then I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist who can help guide you to make new choices that are in alignment with your integrity and your goals.
I wish you the best...
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay question of the week: Why are you really staying in the situation you are in?

Love Tip of the Week: When the universe can find no other way to help us to forgive or understand the actions of others, we find ourselves in the midst of the same situation or drawn to the same temptation. There is nothing like this experience to lead us to compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Recession Proof Your Love Life

2009-03-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

Nationally we are facing what many are calling the worst recession in the last 100 years. And yet, when you really think about it, most of us have experienced a myriad 'personal recessions" for numerous reasons. Whether it was from personal illness or that of a family member, investing in technology that swiftly became defunct, losing a job, having a marriage fall apart or being caught in a hurricane or other natural disaster.

While this global recession is unique in that so many of us are "in the same boat" so to speak, one thing can be sure: When this challenging time passes, and it will, each of us will have to face more challenges, whether regional, national, global, or personal.

Just like our finances go through challenges and threats, both circumstantial and self-inflicted, so do our relationships.

We can be cruising along, reasonably content with the sweetness of our love lives when something major happens that sends us reeling, everything from illness to infidelity to mood swings to death.

So, since that is a known reality, the question is, what are you doing to self-strengthen? What are you doing to make yourself and your love life "recession proof?" What are you doing to be sure you are able to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move boldly toward whatever is next?

Things will likely always come our way that will knock us off our feet, but the key is to be sure we don't stay down for the count. We need to be able to pick ourselves back up again and get back in the game.

So, how do we self-strengthen?
Start paying attention to your language to see if the things you say to others and things you say to yourself are serving and strengthening you. You may hear yourself saying things like, "I can’t live without…." Or "I need…." Or "This is to die for….." (rather than "This is to live for!")

It is remarkable that even the lyrics to songs that we listen to (over and over) pummel our brains with defeated belief systems. Much of our music features codependent relationships feeding the mentality that, "I have nothing to live for without you in my life." Be sure that the messages you are telling yourself are serving you rather than serving to defeat you. While you are at it, watch out for the use of words like "always," "never," "everyone" and "no one." These generalizations are rarely ever true and usually only serve to feed our fear and sense of defeat.

Identify your values and strengths. Pay attention to what you do right. We tend to spend far more time "beating ourselves up" for our shortcomings and weakening ourselves emotionally than building our strengths. Then, we go out into the world from this weakened state and try to create powerful results. In difficult times it is imperative that we not only know our strengths and talents, but are also able to draw upon them to help us get through.

At the end of each day either make a mental note, or actually make a list of what you did right that day. While you are at it, make a list of what you are thankful for as we also spend a lot of time thinking about what is wrong in our lives, rather than what is right.

Strategize for your success. Many of us just watch what happens in our lives and react or respond accordingly. However, if you listen to the most successful people, most of them actually put systems and strategies in place to achieve their goals. This means making a plan of action. Inactivity in difficult times is what makes us feel stuck.

Breathe. As silly as that sounds, we have a tendency to hold our breath when difficult things happen. Breathing deeply and consciously can help to reduce stress and release it from our bodies.
There are a lot of things we cannot control, but we can take a lot more responsibility both for how we prepare ourselves and how we respond to those things that do happen.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is the first step you can personally take to self-strengthen?

Love Tip of the Week: Knowing your ability to not only survive but also to thrive will help you tremendously as you face challenges.

Too Soon to Know?

2009-03-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Eve,
I’m twenty-three and my (ex) girlfriend is twenty-one. We have been dating for five months. Everything seemed so perfect with us and like—after some bad relationships—we both finally found someone to feel comfortable with. I thought things were going good, but in April she broke up with me. She said that she fell out of love and couldn’t see herself marrying me. She said there were “quirks” about me that bothered her—minor and stupid ones that you learn to accept in a person, just like I accepted her quirks. A few days later, we got back together. She seemed excited and like everything was going to be okay. That was the last day I saw the best of her. She started acting different again a few days later. We talked and she told me again that she couldn't see herself marrying me. How can you define your future on us in just five months of dating? She didn't even give us a chance. She said she was excited about us!

My problem now is that she is emailing me, telling me what she is doing, and telling me to call her. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Why is she telling me her every move? Does she just want attention? I don’t want to call her because she has broken up with me twice. I’m not trying to be stubborn; I’m trying to be rational. I don't want to put myself on the line to get hurt again. Why should I be the one to make the effort to contact her? Should I call her or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own even though she thinks that it’s my turn to talk to her?
Please help. Thanks.

Aloha,
One of the funny things about relationships is that people almost always tell us what isn’t working (or what won’t eventually work) early in the relationship—but we don’t want to hear it so we try to keep the relationship anyhow. Later, it always comes back to haunt us. Your girlfriend is telling you clearly that she can’t imagine marrying you or staying in a long-term relationship with you. Listen carefully!

The mixed messages that you are hearing from her are likely that she cares for you, considers you a friend, misses the closeness, is concerned about you, and wants to be there for you if you need a friend. She wants to be in love with you (which is why she got back together with you), but she isn’t in love with you. She might have been telling you where she was every day, because for the last five months that is what she did. It becomes almost habitual to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend where you are, what you are doing, and check in on them, and when that relationship is over, it is kind of hard to break that habit. I understand wanting to read more into it, but I don’t think there is more to it.

I know that it is very difficult to let go of a relationship, especially when it seemed great. However, count your blessings that she is telling you now. It would be a way bigger bummer if you continued on for a year or two, or got married, only for her to then realize how she was—or wasn’t— feeling.

As for the “we only dated five months…she didn’t give it a chance…” thought, the reality is that a week of dating could have been sufficient to know that you don’t want to marry someone. One night of dating could even be sufficient. It takes way longer to figure out who you do want to marry than it does to figure out who you don’t. Five months is a definite “chance.”

As for calling her, I agree with you, the ball is in her court. Even if she does call, please be careful not to misinterpret her need for attention, for her need for you. Ask her what her intentions are and let her know if her goals and yours are not the same.

I wish you the best,
With Aloha,
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you hear yourself saying about your ability to love?

Love Tip of the Week: Listen to—and believe—what people tell you about their ability to love. They almost always tell us, or show us signs that in hindsight are obvious.

Are You a Good Choice as a Partner?

2009-03-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

My husband and I met while I was on Maui on vacation and spent the next five months on the phone, back in the pre-Internet days. While “dating” long distance between Maui and California, we decided to ask a lot of questions to see if we were really compatible. (This is how the book, Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be was conceived.) Initially, I was focused on asking the right questions, paying close attention to his answers, trying to determine if he was the right partner for me. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized that how I answered the questions was helping him determine if I was also the right partner for him.

In relationships, especially when we are seeking one, it is common for us to look for the right partner, seek someone who is our “soul mate” and ultimately hope for someone to come along who is the answer to our prayers. Even when we are already in a relationship, we tend to look to the other person to be what and who we want. The kicker is, though, that we must pay equal attention to whether we are the answer to someone else’s prayer, as well. We seek the “right partner” for us, but are we, also, the right partner for them?

While it is very valuable to make a list of and to have clarity about what you want in a partner or relationship, it is also very important to know what you have to offer. This is true not only of your personal qualities and characteristics, but also of your time. Consider, what is in it for them?

When I do self-development workshops, I see people squirm uncomfortably when I ask the question, what do you like, love, admire or appreciate about yourself? Imagine you were at a job interview and the would-be employer asked you what your strengths were, only to observe you squirming uncomfortably while you searched for an answer. Or,they offer you the job, but you are thinking, I can’t believe it! I wonder why they chose me! I don’t deserve this! This lack of confidence is clearly not a strong foundation for gaining employment, yet it is often the platform from which we seek (or attempt to build) relationships.

Another challenge we face is simply how we define that which we seek. Consider two people seeking a relationship in the hopes of starting a family, but the definition each of them has of “marriage” and “family” is totally different. One thinks it means that they will be constant companions, inseparable at all times, while the other thinks it means that they will divide and conquer getting twice as much accomplished. While this may seem extreme, we often have completely different definitions of what it means to date, to have sex, to be in love, and to be faithful. Most of us don’t bother to ask the other person what their definitions are or how they feel—and worse yet, many of us haven’t even asked ourselves what we think these things mean.

So, let’s start with some self-inquiry and relationship readiness questions:

Take a careful honest look at yourself. What are your best qualities? What is the evidence that your self-assessment is accurate?

Are there aspects of yourself that you are uncomfortable telling the truth about? Are you willing to work on either changing your self-perception or changing your reality to better align the two?

Is the timing right in your life for you to be dating or in a relationship now? Are you available—physically and emotionally?

What do you have to offer in a relationship—in terms of personality, life style, quantity and quality of time?

What does being in a relationship, marriage or family mean to you?

While self-reflection and inquiry are not always comfortable, they are always valuable. Start with being the right choice as a partner—healthy and complete. You will then become a better magnet for attracting the right partner, and a healthier ingredient in your relationships.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What steps can you make to be a healthier choice as a partner?

Love Tip of the Week: In order to connect with others, we first must be able to connect with ourselves. In order to find our soul mates, we must first find our own souls!

How Much Space Is Too Much Space?

2009-02-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I'm 24 and I just started to see this girl about a month ago. We see each other A LOT and talk on the phone a lot. I’m just afraid things are moving a little too fast, but I really want to see her.

Last night, we talked for two hours about everything and it turns out she feels the same way. She said that it is too early on to be seeing each other every day, and that calling before work, after work, on break, etc is something that shouldn't be done. She expressed to me that her mind is telling her to not see each other every day but her heart is saying she wants to. She said that too much attention turns her off, but too little makes her want it even more. No offense but women are confusing!

Since she said she doesn't want to see each other everyday, I'm going to be walking on eggshells when I ask her to hang out. I don't want to say, "Hey let’s go to dinner and a movie" and have her say "didn't we just talk about this??" So my question to you is how much is too much and how little is too little? Do I sit back and let her call me? Do I wait for her to say “let’s see each other”? What do I do?
Thank you so much,
Sincerely Confused

Aloha,
It is great that you can talk about it with each other. I would be more concerned if she were the only one saying "this is going too fast," but it sounds like both of you came to the same conclusion. You are right about wanting to avoid walking on eggshells. A lack of confidence is not a good position for dating. You want to keep this light and natural not a guessing game.

Since you and she talked about this, discuss how much you both feel is too much or too little and come to an agreement.

If you just sit back and let her call you, she may feel like you aren't interested.
Here are a couple things that you might try:

Invite her out ahead of time, like on Monday for Friday night, so you both know when you are getting together. Knowing there is an upcoming date planned may make the time in between more comfortable. Then, when you are together, if it feels right, you can spend more time together over the weekend. Or, make plans for another date later in the week. Initially, make plans for specific dates rather than just “hanging out.“ Having a defined plan will take some of the confusion out.

Avoid the twenty calls a day thing, but a call every day or every other day between dates to see how she is doing is a nice thing to do. If you want to distance it a little more than a phone call, you can text her ONCE a day to say, “Hi, just checking to see how your day is going,” or email her. That way you are staying in touch but it isn't a big deal.

It is pretty normal to be excited and want to spend a lot of time with someone, but be sure to spend some of that time determining whether the two of you have more in common than attraction. Do you know her values? Her religious beliefs? Her goals? Do you know what she wants in a relationship? Do you know what you want? Are you both dating other people? Being sexually involved also complicates the matter. If you are sleeping with each other, did you discuss or agree to exclusivity? Did you discuss birth control? If you don't know some of these things, it would be wise to step back and consciously get to know each other, rather than just hanging out. Identify some of your own personal non-negotiables and explore them with her. This will help you determine not just how much time to spend, but whether she is the person to spend the time with.
I wish you the best,
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How much time is healthy at the beginning of a relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: When in doubt, ask, or even better yet, listen to your own inner voice of wisdom.

Don’t Seek Love, Be Love

2009-02-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

So often when Valentine’s Day is approaching, we all start looking for signs of love outside of ourselves—chocolate, cards, phone calls, flowers, gifts or other sweet sentiments. The sad truth about that is even if there is love all around us, if we don’t love ourselves, we may not notice nor believe or trust what we see.

When we feel empty, we tend to suck the energy from others in a desperate attempt to be filled. The problem is that love from someone else cannot fill a void created by our own sense of lack. Love is an inside job and the cosmic irony is, in order to receive it, we have to already have it. So as Valentine’s week is upon us, I invite you to look at your relationship with yourself.

When I went to my very first personal growth workshop, taught by Jack Canfield over 20 years ago, he had us do an exercise that I will now pass on to you:

Close your eyes and imagine that you are looking into your own, mirrored image. Look deeply into your own eyes and say to yourself, “I love you and accept you just the way you are.” Watch for the reaction in your mirrored image. Pay attention to how you feel saying and receiving this message of self-love.

What was your reaction to this exercise? Did it feel good? Did it feel uncomfortable? Were you willing to try it?

When I did as Jack instructed, I was greatly surprised. My mirrored image rolled her eyes at me and said, “Yeah, sure you do,” very sarcastically. Until that moment, I was unaware that I had a self-esteem issue. For some of you, doing this exercise felt good. For others it was undoubtedly painful, as it was for me the first time. In either case, your feelings are a blessing. If this was painful, your gift is the knowledge that your self-esteem needs tending to, and you can now take great steps toward doing this.

Once I was given this gift of self-discovery, I embraced the opportunity to do everything in my power to turn that reality around. I began studying, practicing, and applying self-esteem-enhancing techniques and philosophies, and eventually began teaching them so that I could help others, as well. The gift of that uncomfortable and painful moment set me firmly on the path of my life’s purpose.

This Valentine’s Day, start doing the mirror exercise in a real mirror every morning and evening. Look into your own eyes, tell yourself what you like, love, admire, and appreciate about yourself and end with telling yourself that you love yourself. While this may sound really stupid to some of you, it is an amazingly powerful, yet simple thing to do. We are so accustomed to looking in mirrors at everything superficial—our clothes, hair, complexion, or weight—usually critical of what we see. But few of us ever look into our own eyes with love. Continue this every day until the criticism gets replaced, and kindness becomes habitual.

Low self-esteem is not an attractive trait. When you venture out to meet new people or create stronger relationships with those you already know, feeling good about your strengths always puts you in a more powerful position. If you don’t like yourself, your words and energy will leak this truth to the people you are trying to attract, and can actually push them away or will attract those who want to control and manipulate you. As you practice acknowledging your strengths in the mirror you will present yourself more positively to others, as well, and attract a healthier match.

Also, as you look into your own eyes, you will come to know another aspect of yourself, beyond the physical being you normally view in the mirror. As the saying goes, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” When we talk to other people, if they do not establish eye contact, we often think that something is wrong or that they are lying to us. We don’t feel connected. However, seldom do we ever establish this kind of soul connection with ourselves. This is where healthier relationships begin.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
With Aloha, Eve

Intellectual Foreplay of the Week: What do you feel when you look into your own eyes?

Love Tip of the Week: This Valentine’s Day, give yourself the gift of self-love

Embracing Change

2009-02-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

Hi Eve,
I have been married for a few years and I am started to get a little concerned. For the most part, everything is going okay, but I am starting to see him change his interests and the way he spends his time. What if he keeps changing til I don’t recognize him any more?

Aloha,
I’ve come to the conclusion that we have (at least) three types of love—past love, present love and future love. Past love is when we are attached to and in love with what was. The problem with past love is that it is all based in memory and not in current realtiy. Future love is based on our hopes and dreams of what may be and again, not necessarily reality at all. Present love is the real deal and the only one that can actually bring you satisfaction, so I invite you to see if you can pay attention to who your partner is on a daily basis and allow yourself to continuously fall in love anew.

Ironically, while we can’t go into a relationship expecting to change the other person, we should go into a relationship expecting that he or she will change. The difference is the emphasis on who is implementing the change. We cannot make our partner change, but the forces of nature, as well as their own impetus, will cause them to change.

Their bodies will change. Their hormones will change. Their libido will change. Their weight may change. Their health may change. Their physical appearance may change. Their friendships may change. Their careers may change. Their hobbies may change. Their athletic activities may change. Their alcohol consumption may change. Their levels of confidence and self-esteem may change. Their minds may even change. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

Then there is the marriage or relationship itself, which will change as a separate entity from either partner. Frequency of “date nights” may change. Level of financial comfort may change. Houses and communities may change. Time available for recreation may change. Family support may change. Number of family members will change. Children (who are always changing) will change the marriage. More children will change it more. Children growing up and moving out of the home will change the marriage again. The loss of family members will change the dynamics. Sexual frequency and ability may change. Skills for problem solving and communication may change. The way you spend your time together—and how much time you spend together—may change. Retirement will change the marriage again. So what is it exactly that we expect to stay the same?

The love is probably what we want to stay the same, but even the expression and experience of love changes. While the core essence of true love is unchanging, as it filters through our egos it appears to change over time. In my experience, love doesn’t go away, but it does get blocked with ego; so our experience of it ebbs and flows. Love can deepen over time, moving from infatuation and becoming more secure. Love can be more passionate or less passionate. Love can be conditional or unconditional. Love can be expressed or withheld. Love can be given and not received. The intensity of the love in a relationship can wax and wane, as can the level of intimacy.

If we want to be successful in our relationships (and in our lives), we have to become comfortable with change—both managing it when it happens and creating it when it is needed.

Ultimately, you will probably find yourself more at peace in the relationship if you expect change, and just as you learn more and more about yourself over time, enjoy the process of discovering more about your husband each day. Rather than trying to recognize some semblance of who he used to be, see if you can fine-tune your ability to see—and love—who he is now.

Otherwise, it is a bit akin to trying to see the handsome young man every time you see Robert Redford, rather than seeing and appreciating the talented, handsome older man he currently is.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What do you imagine will stay the same?

Love Tip of the Week: Growth is not possible without change. Nor is true love possible without the acceptance of change. Otherwise, your love is like a snapshot—only captured for that moment.

Can I fix it? Is it a mistake?

2009-01-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I’m trying to get a guy back. This is our "short" history. My mistakes are numbered 1-6: I ended a two-year depressing, boring relationship, and I was on the rebound, not ready for anything serious. A week later, I went out with a hot guy I met. [1] We had sex on the second date [it was a great date]. [2] I hung around his place for 3 days. Then he left for three weeks, and asked me not to sleep with anybody else, [3] I agreed. I freaked out a little because he wanted commitment. And, [4] although I agreed not to, [5] I slept with someone else [not normal behavior on my part]. Then I almost did it again! [6] I told him. And he cried but "forgave" me, and acted like it wasn't a big deal, and said he "had to take it slower" with me.
At this point I realized that I had strong feelings for him, too. I told him that I loved him and he stopped telling me that he loved me. We were probably screwed at this point.

Now he doesn’t think I’m relationship material, but the irony is that I am "relationship material." I am very loyal, reliable and loving in a relationship. I was just on the rebound and not ready, but after realizing my feelings, I kept dating other people until I was sure about him, [even though I really wanted him].
I think I have another chance cause he has been calling me again, but we should continue to date other people as we get to know one another better. I love him. I'm going to be friendly and seduce him [but not sleep with him until he's mine].
Is this a huge mistake?

Aloha,
What I love about your letter is that you are very clear about what your mistakes were. This level of self-awareness is very important if you want the situation to improve.

From what you have told me, it doesn’t sound like a huge mistake to pursue the relationship with him cause as far as I can tell, he sounds like a good guy. However, there is another potential “mistake” that you didn’t point out that you may want to consider.

I suggest you stop dating other people while you are pursuing this relationship. He already has valid trust issues with you and if you go to him and say, “I love you and I really want to be with you, but until that happens I am still going to date X, Y, and Z…” you are neither going to appear trustworthy nor serious. On the flip side, if you go to him and say, “I realized how deeply I have feelings for you and would like another chance. I’ve stopped dating all other people to show you that I’m serious….”, the message will come across very differently.

One of the challenges of having sex early in the relationship is that it is hard to take a step backwards and start dating without sleeping together. Your plan of not having sex with him, after you already have, is probably not going to go so well. The problem with having sex while you are still getting to know each other is that it confuses the matter. Sex “ups the ante” in the gamble by increasing the emotional attachment significantly. Sexual involvement also makes it harder to think straight.

When we are having sex before knowing someone well, we are far more sensitive to what we think everything means, and far less sensitive to what some things should mean. By that I mean that we are more sensitive about what a look or a comment might mean when we don’t know the person well enough to interpret or ask. And we are simultaneously less perceptive of or attentive to the little red flags that are flapping to warn us about impending problems. So go ahead and give it a shot, just do your best to use your head in the domain of the heart.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Do your actions align, delivering the same message as your words?

Love Tip of the Week: Love may be blind, but lust makes us not pay attention to what we see…

ReCreate your Marriage

2009-01-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
I love my husband so much; we have been together for a long time, but I feel like we are in a rut where we are just going through the motions. We do all the things that we have to do to keep our lives going, but it is starting to feel like partnership, not a romantic connection. We have a strong foundation, and a deep respect, but honestly, I think we have both gotten a little boring. Do you have any suggestions for what I can do to revitalize our marriage and romance?

Aloha!

I think you share a dynamic that is extremely common to couples to have been together a long time. In my experience, relationships can have a cyclical nature…alternating between being really close and connected and then not so much so...and then, hopefully back again. Rather than giving up in the lulls or resigning to them, there are definitely things that we can do to turn the cycle toward closeness. I have found that usually more talking, more touching, playing more and/or introducing a creative project can make a huge difference.

When I say “talking” I don’t mean talking at, I mean talking with—which means asking questions, sharing thoughts, ideas, goals, visions, dreams, values, and listening without judgment to the other person. It is enticing to have someone want to know more about you and share deep conversations, but when we have been with someone who already knows us so well, and us them, the curiosity and conversation may be jeopardized. Often in a daily relationship our conversations drastically reduce to “did you take the trash out?” and “what’s for dinner?” But when we first meet, the conversations are full of curiosity and interest in each other.

There was actually a study done on how much time families spend in dialogue. They found that parents only spent between eight and twelve minutes a day talking with their kids and out of that eight to ten minutes are spent directing tasks. That only leaves between two and four minutes a day for talking about what really matters, what you love, spirituality, creativity and fun. I suspect many spouses talk even less than that and those that talk more are also talking about what needs to be done. Bringing a higher level of conversation into the house can help. Also, the more you keep learning and growing the more new there is to discuss, so reading books, taking classes, trying new things can add to the intrigue of a long time relationship.

Touching is also critical to an adult romantic relationship and ultimately is the element that separates a romantic relationship from every other kind. Without intimate touch, your relationship can transition quickly into a business relationship or more like siblings or friends. While these are still worthy relationships, they are not usually what most of us signed up for when we got married or involved in a romantic relationship. Consequently, a little more (or a lot more) attention to physically expressing your appreciation of each other can go along way in rekindling the connection.

Creativity is also a very stimulating process and co-creating something of beauty or functionality or service can be a very bonding experience. This is true not only of spouses or sweethearts, but also with your children or other family members.

Recreation, re-creation, is something we are usually much better at in the beginning of a relationship than after years and years. See if you and your husband can reintroduce fun and activity into your lives as a means of re-creating your relationship (and not being quite so boring). Go for hikes, go snorkeling or diving, try the ziplines (they are a BLAST). Do what the tourists do.

What is most important is that you recognize the deep respect you and your partner have and can even simply relax into the sweetness of sharing a silent moment together.
With Aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What can you do today to raise the bar in your relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: Bring some “Intellectual foreplay” back into the relationship. Ask deeper questions. Talk about things that really matter. Listen and pay attention. Make your love overt.

Returning the Love

2009-01-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

I was petting one of my cats the other day and enjoying how much he was appreciating the attention. He was purring loudly, rubbing up against me and making it very clear that he loved the love. I was equally happy sharing the moment with him.

The thought then occurred to me how different it would be, how less pleasurable it would be, to pet him and love him if he didn’t respond so appreciatively. If I petted my cats and they were indifferent, if they didn’t purr, I would get far less pleasure out of loving them.

Of course this is true of my human friends too and caused me to wonder, if it is “in giving that we receive,” perhaps what we receive is that satisfaction of helping another to feel loved.

This thought leads to what it is like to love when the object of the love shows no appreciation or satisfaction or pleasure or response. We can probably all relate this to someone we have showered affection on only to be met with a lack of enthusiasm. On the flips side, one of my cats was so needy of my attention that I nicknamed her “the appendage” as she wouldn’t leave me alone. This is equally unappealing and we’ve all known people like that as well. For some, it seems no matter how much time, love and attention we give, it is simply not enough. In my experience, the hole that is trying to be filled with the attention of another is a hole that can only be filled with self-love and god-love.

Of course, we can see these behaviors in others—the lack of appreciation and the over zealous neediness—but have we stopped to consider when we are the ones who are not responding? Have we pondered if we are trying to get someone else to fill a need only we can satisfy ourselves? Have we stopped to wonder what it is like for others to love us?

As you ponder your New Year’s goals and resolutions, I invite you to ponder what it is like to be loved by you and what it is like to love you.

Imagine what it is like for someone to ask you out. Imagine what it is like to share a meal with you. Imagine what it is like to wake up with you. What is it like to make love with you…or want to? What is it like to give you a gift? What is it like to be sick around you? What is it like to drive in a car with you? To share a home? What is it like to co-parent with you? What is it like to be your child? Your teenager? Your parents? Your siblings? Your neighbor? Your spouse? Extend that awareness to beyond your close loved ones—what it is like to serve you in a restaurant? What is it like to live on the streets you drive down? (Do you pass peacefully or are you disrespectful or completely oblivious to your impact?) See if you can spend just one day in awareness of your impact and your response to those around you.

This is an excellent meditation for the New Year. This level of self-observation will bring about some self-awareness. Self-awareness affords you the opportunity to determine whether the way you are showing up in your relationships is serving you (and them), or not. You then have the opportunity to make new choices (if you so desire) and this makes you powerful.

As we saw when 9-11 happened, all the things that we thought were so important prior suddenly lost importance when our world was threatened. As you make your list of resolutions and goals, it is easy to remember to list the health of our bodies and fitness, the health of our finances and careers, perhaps even the cleanliness and organization of our home….But this year, remember to make the health of your relationships a high priority. (If you need help, I’m offering a Creating Powerful Relationships workshop on Jan. 18, 10am-4pm at The Sacred Garden on Maui!)
May you have a Happy New Year and gloriously powerful relationships.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What is it like to love you?

Love Tip of the Week: In this time of economic uncertainty, our relationships will become ever more important. However, our level of skill and awareness must also increase in order meet the demand.

Arguing About Money?

2008-12-29T07:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,
My husband and I have been together for over twenty years, get along in almost every way, but we constantly struggle with money issues. This has been an on and off issue over the years but with the current economics, it is only getting worse. We both get really sensitive when the topic comes up..
Do you have any suggestions on how we can better deal with this and handle the stress? Should we get counseling?
Thanks

Aloha,
As you clearly have discovered, money issues are heavily laden with other issues—like hurt, fear, blame, trust, anger, guilt and of course, stress. These ego-based emotions make it very difficult to have clean communication and a clear, problem-solving attitude. Dr. Phyllis Robinson and Melanie Stephens, MS. (www.CreativeConflictSolutions.com) are offering a free workshop in Kihei, January 7th, 7-9pm, called “Arguing About Money?” I highly recommend you attend—with or without your husband—as they will help you handle this problem more proactively. I collaborated with them about your question and here are the steps we suggest to make your money conversations pay off:

1. Plan ahead when scheduling tough money conversations. Create some time when you are well rested, fed, and have privacy.

2. Beware of defensiveness and stay away from right/wrong, good/bad positions and ultimatums. Make it your mission to keep blame, accusations, guilt, and attacks out of your conversations. I’ve found that using “We” statements instead of “You” or “I” statements really help in tough conversations. “We need to watch our money” is way more easily digested than “You need to watch our money.” “We language” takes control and blame out of the conversation and makes it clear that both partners are on the same team, sharing responsibility. Hold the attitude of “What will work for both of us?” and you will be more motivated to resolve the issues together.

3. Practice listening. Get curious about what is going on for your partner. What is he feeling? What’s important to him? Does he know you understand? Ask questions. Often we get so caught up in the ego-stance of defense that we don’t really even hear the other person or acknowledge the seriousness of the issue to them. When your partner knows that they are heard and understood, agreements can more easily be found. When people don’t feel understood, even if an agreement has been reached, they will continue to argue their point.

4. Listen also for the issue underneath the issue being said. Underneath almost every conversation is the desire to love and be loved, and the desire for safety—both physical and emotional. When we listen with our hearts, not just our ears, we can hear these bigger issues. Be sure to address and reassure about these, often unstated, issues.

5. See if you can identify the ‘interests’ you both bring to this subject: the things that really matter to each of you before you make decisions. For instance, his might be “reliable transportation,” yours might be “healthy food,” and you might both share ”the children’s education’, and “time together”. If you stop to see what truly matters to you both—and what doesn’t, you will be better equipped to meet those needs.

6. Assess whether you need outside help. This doesn’t necessarily mean counseling; it may mean financial consulting or an accountant. Often our “issues” are simply due to a lack of knowledge on the topic we are attempting to resolve.

7. Keep your mind on the goal of resolving the issues AND having a loving, harmonious relationship. Here is the deal, you can have money problems and a troubled relationship, or you can simply have money problems. In these economic times, the money challenges just may be a part of reality, out of your control. However, the health of your relationship is in your control. Remember that maintaining the love and respect you have for each other is the utmost goal as you work to resolve other issues.

While counseling can certainly be beneficial in helping you communicate more clearly and resolve the issues between you and your husband, start with these steps and taking the free workshop.
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: Are you and your partner on the same team?

Love Tip of the Week: In order to solve old problems, we need new skills.

Giving the Present

2008-12-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

If the Grinch (or our government) were to come take away our finances, our security, and our businesses, which took away our ribbons, boxes, cards, boxes and tags, would it also take our enthusiasm and joy away? Or would we be like all the Whos down in Whoville recognizing that the spirit of the Holy-day season is bigger than all of that?

We have a huge choice right now. We get to choose whether we want to honor fear or faith. Fear stands for “fantasized experiences appearing real.” What you fear isn’t happening to you now. (If it were, you wouldn’t be afraid anymore, you would be angry or sad or accepting…fear only exists when we contemplate the future.) So if fear is stopping you, realize that you are imagining the worst and are allowing your imagination to trip you up. If fear is stopping you from doing what it takes to love, you have some choices to make:

Are you going to honor fear or love?
Are you going to honor despair or hope?
Are you going to honor doubt or faith?
Are you going to honor stagnancy or growth?
Are you going to honor unhappiness or joy?
Are you going to honor deception or honesty?
Are you going to honor anger or compassion?
Are you going to honor resistance or acceptance?
Are you going to honor ego or spirit?
Are you going to honor complacency or commitment?
Are you going to honor resentment or forgiveness?
Are you going to honor your relationships as a spiritual journey?
Are you going to honor your authentic self?
The choice is yours.

Ego in the form of fear is the number-one thing that stops us from opening our hearts fully to another human being. Fear is what makes us afraid of change instead of excited about it. If you choose to honor fear, remember that fear will stay with you. It will stay in your life whether your partner does or not. It will stay in your life whether money does or not. If you want success, if you want to shake the fear loose, you are going to have to take some risks: the risk to love completely, the risk to forgive and to ask for forgiveness, the risk to accept your partner as he or she is, the risk to tell the truth, the risk to do the work. Make a conscious choice to honor that which is hiding behind your fear: love, faith, calm, peace!

Once you make the choice, you will benefit from some skills. Generally, we are extremely unpracticed and unskilled at bringing our attention back to the present moment. I invite you to utilize the Five Essential Life Skills: 1) Remember who your really are, 2) Self-Observe, 3) Let Go of that which you aren’t, 4) Realign with your authentic self and, 5) Choose your words, thoughts and actions in alignment with your goals. In this case, be self observant and notice when you are thinking about the past or the future and take a deep breath and bring your attention to the present moment. This is where peace exists. The present is where calm exists. The present is where acceptance exists. The present is where creativity and intuition exist. Compassion and forgiveness live in the present moment.

This holy-day season, offer your family or loved ones your undivided attention. Be present. Stress, fear, hurt, anger, and their related emotions are all forms of the ego and they not only block our ability to love and be loved, but also our ability to resolve problems and think/feel clearly. When we are truly able to be present the world of possibility opens to us. We are able to stay calm in the face of challenges. We become more creative problem solvers. Our loved ones feel our love more fully.
Don’t just believe me, try it. Even if just for one moment. You can always have fear and stress back if you decide you prefer it. But if for just one moment you can be present, you may choose the same for another moment. Then you will be well on your way to internal and eternal peace.
Happy Holy-Days!
With aloha
Eve

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What are you choosing to honor?

Love Tip: The most valuable gift you can give your loved ones—and yourself—is the present